After I’d told Wonwoo I would talk to Joshua about everything that had happened at the recording studio I didn’t get the chance to talk to him in private since we were so busy preparing for the music festival.

            But finally we got a night to rest since tomorrow was the day of the music festival and my official debut to the public with Seventeen. Our manager had driven us home earlier that evening saying we were ready for the performance and gave us the rest of the night off.

            I was glad for the early night off since we’d been constantly practicing, singing, dancing, for so long without much breaks. I was exhausted from all the hard work. How did these people practice for so long without getting completely wiped out? I had a lot of stamina to build if I was going to adjust to this crazy wild idol life.

            “Joshua I need to talk to you,” I said approaching him on his bunk bed that was above Jeonghan’s. “Can we speak in private please?” Joshua bit his lip becoming a little tense. He probably knew what I wanted to talk to him about.

            “Sure,” Joshua answered finally. He climbed down the ladder from his bed as we left the bedroom, walking into the living room before heading out into the hallway. No doubt we attracted a lot of stares when we past the majority of the members who were hanging out in the living room.

            We took the elevator at the end of the hallway heading straight up to the rooftop where we were sure no one would be. I wanted complete privacy from any prying ears since this was such a sensitive topic and if word got it, we’d be in serious trouble. Once we got the rooftop we sat down on the ground leaning our backs against the wall balcony. It was a pretty clear night with lots of stars shining above our heads. The sounds from the city were as loud as ever even if it was night.

            “I think you know what I want to talk to you about,” I said quietly breaking the silence. I was afraid to talk first and Joshua was too. It was evident from how far he was sitting away from me. There was no bumping of arms or legs. There was a firm distance between the two of us. You could cut the awkwardness with a knife if you wanted.

            “I think I have a clue,” Joshua replied back to me. He stared at the ground in front of us refusing to make eye contact with me. I was fine with that because I was too nervous to look him in the eye at the moment. There were too many confusing feelings passing between the two of us at the moment. “The kiss right?”

            “Yeah,” I said letting out a deep breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding inside of me. I felt all the air deflate from my chest, playing with my hands in my lap. “Why did you kiss me?”

            I looked up finally laying my eyes on him as he continued to stare at the ground. I waited for his answer feeling all my patience burning up inside of me. Was is possible he harbored feelings for me? Did I want the kiss to mean something when there was nothing?

            “Why did I kiss you,” Joshua repeated. “I don’t know to tell you the truth.” He raised his head looking right at me with a face of many emotions. “In the moment I felt like I wanted to so I took a chance and did it. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done it. I’d take it back if I could.”

            Hearing the last line made my heart clench tightly in a strange way. He’d take back the kiss if he could? That hurt me more than I thought it would. Even if we weren’t supposed to kiss I wouldn’t take it back for anything.

            “You would?” I asked trying not to sound completely hurt from what he had just said. “You know I’m gay and you’re not. At least to my knowledge you’re not gay.”

            “I’m not,” Joshua said quietly. “Its just a little part of me inside has been curious about some things every now and than. And I thought hey since it’s you and I feel comfortable around you, and you’re into guys why not do it with you?” I bit my tongue feeling more hurt welling inside of me. He was partially using me to get his curiosities out of him?

            “Really?” I asked letting all the hurt lace my words. “Just because I like boys you thought it would be safer to kiss me than someone else?” I looked down breaking eye contact with him. I fell silent not saying anything else. I heard Joshua scooting closer to me until I felt his arm lightly bumping against mine.

            “Skyler I didn’t mean it like that,” Joshua said. “I just meant like if I kissed you and someone else that was a guy you wouldn’t hate me after the fact. At least I hope you don’t hate me for what I did.” He went quiet for a minute as the two of us dwelled in silence. “It was a good kiss though.”

            “But you still wish you could take it back,” I said bitterly. Joshua sighed looking at me, lightly gripping my chin to make me face him. “If you’re confused don’t use me to figure it out. I don’t want to be a tool for you to use.”

            “I’m sorry,” Joshua said after a while. “I wouldn’t want to hurt you. And I feel bad for taking everything out on you. I’m just not sure what I’m doing at the moment. I have questions that I can’t seem to find the answers to. Not to mention a part of me is cursing me for doing and thinking these thoughts. I shouldn’t be but I can’t help it.”

            I nodded my head understanding him. He was after all a pretty religious person. If his cross earring didn’t give it away I didn’t know what else would. This was probably all so wrong from what he had been raised growing up with. I’d felt this way too at one point in my life too.

            “Let me tell you a story,” I said. “It’s about me and how I came to be who I am. I haven’t told many people but you deserve to know. Just keep it to yourself please.” Joshua nodded waiting for my to continue.

********

            I’d been about fourteen years old when I finally kissed a boy for the first time. Over the past year I had began to feel a little different from the other boys around me at school. They were looking at girls and I found my attention focused solely on one boy in the grade below mine, Moon Bin (Astro).

            There was just something about Moon Bin that made me look at him. He’d smile so brightly at people around him. His smile always made everyone around him smile. He never seemed to raise his voice and always had a happy disposition about him.

            We didn’t see each other much since we were in different grades, which meant we were in different classes pretty much the entire day. I only caught glimpses of him since we had the same P.E. period even if we were in different classes. All the classes met in the gym so I always saw him conversing with his friends in his class. I always wanted to know what they talked about. What they said to make Moon Bin smile the way he did.

            I was over the moon ecstatic that he transferred into the band class I was in during the middle of the semester. He was apparently really good at the flute, as was I. The teacher made him sit right next to me. I was nervous since I was sure I would mess up with my crush sitting next to me. I wanted to impress him and let him hear how confident I was in my flute playing.

            We didn’t speak much but we shared the same music stand as read the same music. The times we did speak it was usually if one of us had a question about the music we were playing. I told all my friends at lunch about Moon Bin and how he was sitting next to me in band. They all had found out eventually that I liked him.

            At that time I didn’t openly say I was gay, I just said I had an unusually strong attraction to Moon Bin who just happened to be a guy. I was dead set on saying I was still straight because I was stuck in denial.

            “Face it Skyler,” my best friend Lucian had said to me. We were walking home from school like we always did. “You like this Moon Bin guy that’s in our band class. I mean it doesn’t matter to me if you like guys. So are you, you know?”

            “I don’t know,” I answered. “I’ve never liked anyone else before like this. Moon Bin is the first one to make me feel this way. I don’t know if this means I’m into boys only or not.”

            “You might be,” Lucian said as we continued to walk. “And if you are it doesn’t matter, you’re still my best friend. That won’t ever change. Don’t forget that Skyler.” I liked that about Lucian that we had no harsh judgments on each other. We supported each other no matter what.

            Nothing really hit the fan until I got into a fight with one of my other friends Mark. It was a stupid fight but we both got pretty angry at each other during lunch. I don’t even remember what started the fight. I mostly remember how the fight ended in shock, and regret. Somewhere in the midst of the argument he blurted out to everyone in the lunchroom that I liked Moon Bin and everyone heard.

            “Skyler you’re pissing me off right now!” Mark yelled standing up from the table we were sitting at. Lucian and I looked up at him along with our other band friends.

            “Shut up Mark!” I yelled back at him. I didn’t notice the people in the lunchroom beginning to look over at our table wondering what we were yelling about. “Just be quiet! You’re being so stupid right now! Go away!”

            “I will!” Mark screamed. He grabbed his lunch beginning to walk away. He walked right past Moon Bin’s table before turning to look at him. “Moon Bin, Skyler has a crush on you! He’s gay.” He left the lunchroom after he outed me to everyone.

            Moon Bin widened his eyes shooting me a glance from the table I was at. I heard people beginning to whisper things looking over at me. I blinked furiously as tears began forming in my eyes. Lucian put a hand on my shoulder to comfort me but too many eyes were on me and I had to escape. I ran out of the lunchroom hiding myself in the band room to get away from everyone. Moon Bin was never supposed to find out that I had feelings for him. No one was supposed to know except my little group of friends.

            After Mark had told everyone my secret people looked at me funny. People began to talk about me behind my back. A lot of people made fun of me and called me some pretty bad names. Middle schoolers had a real talent for making people feel like crap. Eventually Lucian told my parents because I was too afraid to tell them myself.

            “Son,” dad said. My parents had sat me down in the living room of our house a few days after Lucian had told them. I hadn’t known he told them but eventually I found out. “Lucian told us something, do you want to tell us something as well?” I took a shaky breath already knowing what Lucian had told my parents.

            “Mom, dad,” I said after a while of gaining a little bit of confidence. “People at school are picking on me because I like someone. Someone I’m not supposed to like. I like a boy in the grade below mine.” I closed my eyes feeling tears falling down my face as my parents heard everything I had to say. I had no idea what they would say or how they’d react to me telling them this.

            “I don’t know why I like a boy,” I continued as more tears fell. “I just do and I know I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to like girls and stuff but I can’t help it. I like this guy and I’m afraid that this might mean I like guys only. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m broken.”

            “Honey,” mom said in a choked up voice. I looked up to see she had tears in her eyes as well. “You’re not broken. Not at all.” Dad nodded his head in agreement. “I think it’s wonderful you’re experiencing things that everyone goes through. Even if it is towards someone you might not have expected you to go to.”

            “We love you regardless,” dad said picking up where my mom left off. “If you like this boy than you like this boy. If he makes you happy than that makes us happy. You’re our son and we love you with all our hearts. If you’re gay or straight it doesn’t matter to us not at all.”

            I looked at both of my parents feeling so much respect for them. My parents didn’t care if I liked boys or girls. They loved me for who I was, gay or straight. At the moment I knew that no matter what they would always support me. I was lucky in that sense that they were so open minded about it. I ran over to them hugging them as they embraced me.

            After our talk that day I had decided that I would deal with bullies at my school myself. Every time one of them said something to me I just told them simply that it was okay to like whoever you liked. Love saw no gender and kept on my way.

            Eventually people stopped picking on me and just came to a silent agreement that I might be a little different than them but it didn’t matter. Mark eventually came around apologizing to me for everything he’d said. He felt really bad that he had caused everyone to look at me differently. We eventually made up and went back to being friends. Somewhere along the way I grew to thank him for outing me in front of people. It made me confront what was deep down inside of me. It made me realize it was okay for me to feel things for guys. It didn’t matter.

            Moon Bin eventually decided to talk to me one day after band class was over and school had ended. This whole time he hadn’t said anything about the whole situation. I didn’t know what was going on his head after he knew that I liked him.

            “Skyler,” Moon Bin said after we both put away our flutes. “Can I talk to you?” I nodded my head as I followed him into one of the practice rooms for the two of us to talk by ourselves. Moon Bin ignored the looks people gave us as we closed ourselves in the tiny practice room sitting down on the floor. “So is it true?”

            “Is what true?” I asked looking at him. I’d never had a real conversation with him aside from our little words we exchanged during band. This was different and was making my heart race.

            “That you like me?” Moon Bin asked. All the confidence that came off of him was gone. He looked genuinely concerned. This wasn’t the same Moon Bin I saw that gave everyone warm smiles.

            “Yes,” I answered after a while. “Moon Bin I really like you. I don’t know why I just do.” He looked over at me with unreadable eyes. “You just always appear so friendly to everyone around you. You smile making the room brighter even if it isn’t possible. Everyone around you always seems to smile when you talk. You’re a gentle person that I wish I could be. You’re super good at the flute, I feel nervous that I’m a chair above you when you could pass me easily. Yet you never do and let me keep second chair, like you’re okay with third.

            “I don’t understand why but I just like you. I can’t really put all the reasons into words to make sense. You’re cute, but at the same time handsome. I know we don’t know each other well but I still like you from all the things I’ve noticed about you.”

            I was caught off guard when I felt a pair of arms around me. I widened my eyes realizing Moon Bin had his arms around me. A different smile was plastered to his face, a smile that wasn’t had wide as the one he wore around everyone else. This was a little more reserved; this was like his real smile that he probably didn’t show many people.

            “You’re cute Skyler,” Moon Bin said quietly to me. “You just are.” He closed the distance between us pressing his lips lightly against mine. He pushed me against the wall of the room pressing his lips against mine with more pressure. I blinked taking in the closeness of our two faces. His eyes were closed his lips not moving. I wrapped my arms slowly around him pressing my lips lightly back against his.

            Moon Bin upon feeling me kissing him back eventually began moving his lips against mine. He tilted his head to the side as I closed my eyes continuing to kiss him. It was a purely innocent type of kiss but it was beginning to get more heated. I didn’t care though I was in pure bliss and wanted the kiss to go as far as it would. I felt the slip of his tongue enter my mouth, which I quickly accepted as we continued to kiss each other.

            After that day Moon Bin and I begun hanging out more. People thought we were dating but we weren’t; at least not yet. We were just friends but eventually when I left for high school and he was in eighth grade, over the summer we began to go out. We continued to go out until I graduated high school. We were happy, I was happy. He was my first love, and for that I’ll always have a special place in my heart for him.

********

            After telling my story to Joshua he looked at me with a sweet smile on his lips. I looked back at him smiling back at him. I hadn’t told many people my coming out story, my parents knew, Jeonghan, Lucian, my friends from middle school but that was about it. Other than that no one else knew about my uality well except Wonwoo, Mingyu, and Joshua.

            “Wow Skyler,” Joshua said. “You’re really lucky to have found a love like that. You’re first crush was your first boyfriend. That’s really special. I’ve not had the chance to date anyone I am envious of you for that.”

            “You will eventually,” I responded. “And when you do I’m sure you will be the most happiest man in the world.” Joshua nodded his head grabbing my hands out of habit as he looked into my eyes.

            “Skyler?” Joshua asked with a hint of caution in his voice. I looked back at him nodding my head for him to continue. Joshua took a deep breath before opening his mouth to continue talking. “Is it weird if I want to kiss you again?”

            I blinked continuing to look across at Joshua registering what he had said to me. He wanted to kiss me again? He wanted to kiss me again, this couldn’t be true. I closed my eyes slowly shaking my head keeping my eyes closed.

            I felt my breath hitching as his breath ghosted against my lips signaling that his lips were close to mine. I felt my heart beating faster and faster before his soft lips were on top of mind slowing kissing me. I smiled as I began to kiss Joshua back as he closed all the distance between the two of us.

            This was way better than the first kiss we had in the recording studio. This one was so much better, more filled with emotion because we both wanted it. Before I hadn’t expected anything to happen but this was what I wanted as well.

            I wrapped my arms around him as we continued to kiss each other, neither of us wanting to break the kiss. Joshua cupped my cheeks as he continued to kiss me tilting his head to the side deepening the kiss.

            “You guys,” a voice blurted out as I heard the door to the rooftop open with a loud thud. “Oh my god. What?!” I opened my eyes pushing Joshua off of me as we turned to see the person that had walked up onto the rooftop with us.

            “Jeonghan!” I exclaimed my voice cracking. He stood with his back on the door looking at us with wide eyes as Joshua and I scrambled up onto our feet. “W-what?”

            “I think I should be asking the questions here,” Jeonghan said crossing his arms. “What the hell is going on here? Skyler?” He looked at me before turning to Joshua. “Joshua? Someone want to explain this to me?”

OMG Jeonghan caught Joshua and Skyler kissing!!! Anyways I hoped you liked the chapter even though the majority of it was a flashback. Yes I included Moon Bin into the story because as of lately Astro has been such a good group to me. Moon Bin is one of my biases so I had to show him some love. Thanks~