FLASHBACK: HIM

After the radio incident, I was preparing myself to personally call her. Of course, I had to borrow manager hyung’s phone because that time we weren’t allowed to use mobile phones. I was really tensed that I kept on fiddling his phone.

Would I really talk to her? Of course! Are you dumb?! You said there’s no turning back? Why would you keep her hanging! You’ve done it! Take the consequences.

There was literally a war in my mind.

‘What are you doing there?’ I heard Jr.’s voice from behind. I instantly kept the phone in one of the pockets of my hoodie.

‘Yeah, is there any problem? Your face looks troubled.’ And Mark was there too!

Oh Lord, please help me. I am still not ready to tell them. I was literally panicking that time.

‘Nothing!’ I said and plaster the smile I usually do.

‘Hyung, Your smile seems like it’s not genuine.’  Bambam tagged along.

Any minute I knew I’ll get busted. I was squeezing my brain for an alibi.

‘Yah, you guys should fix yourselves! We’re leaving in 15 minutes.’ Manager scolded us. We were preparing to exit the scene when he said, ‘Jackson, can I talk to you for a second?’

Thank you hyung! You saved me! You’re the best!

When everybody was gone, hyung said, ‘Why keep hesitating? You’ve done it. Your members almost caught you. Tsk. Do the phone call and better hurry before they start suspecting.’

                ‘Thanks hyung! I’m just not ready to tell them yet.’

I dialed Youngji’s number, though I had no phone back then I memorized her number by heart. It was ringing and my heart beat like it was mimicking the ringing intervals. I was waiting anxiously and patiently. My hands were getting all sweaty. In the end I was just answered by an operator. I was already biting my lips.

‘Doesn’t she like me back?’ That question circulated in my brain. I was losing my hopes.

                I called her again. I was holding on whatever hopes remained in me after that first call. It came ringing again. But after about just 3 rings, it was cut off and an operator came answering again. It was driving me crazy.

Maybe she doesn’t feel the same way as me. I was heart-broken and was really really down at that time. I was just forcing myself to be okay, to smile and be professional but inside I just wanted a day off. Idols are human too.

How should I face her after this? I was the most unpredictable rookie idol at that time. I do crazy stuffs that most people won’t imagine I would do.

FLASHBACK: HER

                After that radio incident, I was in the car traveling for my schedule. I was with Manager unnie and I told her everything. She was shocked the first time she heard it. She was telling me to let it pass and focus on my career. I was nodd