Nineteen
Shin Hye

I normally can't even remember there's a world around when Yong Hwa is on stage as he is all I can see and hear, but somehow someone manages to get my attention and remind me I work here, I don't just come to drool over my boyfriend. 

Boyfriend!

It still seems surreal we are in that kind of relationship and how things seem to go so great. A part of me is still scared but I'm so happy that this little voice gets drowned in the back of my mind. It feels almost natural to be with him, effortlessly once I leave all my reservations behind and just enjoy what is happening.

The person that called me insistently makes me come back to the present and order more beers so I get working, which pains me because it means I can't fully pay attention to CNBLUE shining on stage. I don't talk or anything, I just serve them trying to still listen to the performance, but then something this group of girls say gets my attention. 

"Oh, Jung Yong Hwa, still manages to take my breath away when he holds the guitar," one swoons and I freeze on my spot, hand midair holding the pin of beer. "Should I go to him after the performance? I really don't mind reliving old memories. Not if it’s with him," she continues and I think my heart stopped beating. 

I can't control myself, I speak before I realise what I'm doing. "You know Jung Yong Hwa?" I ask, loud enough for them to hear me above the music. 

The girl who was talking, a beautiful one with long wavy brown hair and cat-like eyes looks at me from head-to-toe in a way that makes me feel insignificant. 

"Intimately," she replies with a smirk and that gives me chills. "But so do many others," she laughs next, confusing me. "Are you another of his many conquests? I've always said we should start a club," she laughs out loud, making her friends join her but I don't see the humour in her comment. 

"So you're an ex-girlfriend…" I muse and she stops laughing. 

"Oh, such a cliche term. I was just a lover. Yong Hwa-yah doesn't date, he just has fun with whomever asks him out," she explains but it is hard for me to conceive the mental picture she's describing. The guy I met just pushed me away, he wouldn't even allow me to befriend him even if he felt attracted. He made things so difficult at first and this girl is telling me he just went out with whomever asked him. That doesn't make sense to me. 

"Are there… many?" I ask next, trying to hide the fact my hands are trembling so I put the glass down. 

"Countless!" She laughs as if it were the funniest thing ever when in fact it only breaks my heart.

I bow my head and leave because my it feels buzzy and I need air. I leave the bar, barely explaining to Min Ha that I feel sick so I need to get out for a moment. I can't hear what he says, I leave before he can even finish a sentence. I practically run outsides and only when I'm there I take deep breaths and crouch down, trying to calm down.

It doesn't bother me that Yong Hwa is a player. Okay, it bothers me and it makes my heart ache, but it's not like I can do something about it and it is not that terrible. I can see that difference even if it bugs me. But what hurts me is not knowing why he treated me like that. I'm not saying he should've asked me out the first day or just do whatever he does with anyone else, but he pushed me away, he confused me, he ignored me and treated me almost as if I carried the plague just to confuse me later by acting differently. 

Was he playing with me? Trying something new? If he never resisted or make things complicated with anyone else, why did he do that with me? For so long he confused me and toyed with me emotions and now I learn that I am the only one he's treated like that. He never once put resistance with someone, but he did with me when I didn't even tell him a thing. From the first word he treated me like a disease. 

Why?

And why hasn't he ever explained things properly? Am I not worth his time or words? And why did he give in later on? It's not like I pursued him or anything, I gave him space and what he wanted. 

My head hurts so bad already and it's all because of him. Because he hasn't been clear since the beginning, because he's played with me in ways not even a player does. Seriously, what is he doing with me?

"Aish! Why do you enjoy confusing me so much, Jung Yong Hwa?" I ask to no one, looking up the night sky as if I could find the explanation there that he hasn't given me. But the stars can't give me answers no matter how many times I ask. 

The worst thing is that I don't even know how to approach Yong Hwa and ask him about this without making me sound like I'm jealous—which I am but that's not really the problem. It's more complicated than that, it's about my pride and understanding why. Why he treated me that way, why he acted that way when it's not in him to be like that. Was I that unappealing to him? Is there something else as to why he then kissed me? Could it be… a bet? Is he having fun at my expense? But with whom? I can't believe any of his band mates would join such a horrid thing.

Then what?

"Shin-ah!" I hear and turn to look at the doors just to see the cause of my headache standing there. "I finally found you. Why weren't you inside?" He asks, a smile on his lips but a different look in his eyes. His brows are slightly furrowed and I'm sure it's not because he couldn't find me but because something else. 

He is worried. 

"I needed some air," I reply but I can't meet his eyes.

"Is anything wrong?" He asks and I can feel the worry in his voice, his nervousness. 

"I met… I met someone you know well," I mutter next and Yong Hwa doesn't reply. 

I turn to look at him just to see his wide eyes and the way his body tenses. His reaction makes me more suspicious, more scared. Is he afraid I know something now? Something I shouldn't know?

"Shin Hye-yah," he mutters but I shake my head as I stand up.

"You know what? I feel sick to the stomach now. I think I'll leave for home early. I'll go talk to Appa," I say and his eyes widen even more. 

"Wait, let's talk first," he insists, reached out for me but I avoid him. I try to walk past him but he grabs my wrist tightly. "Let me walk you home at least."

"No," I reply, trying to get him off me. "I don't want to talk to you now. I need space to think."

I finally manage to set free from his grip and walk away from him, back inside the bar and directly to Appa's office. I can't stay here anymore for tonight.

I have been so busy and I am so very sorry! I hope you can be patient. I have other three projects, one with DramaFever! A fan fiction of Orange Marmalade. You should totally check it out, it's from Shin Hoo's POV (Lee Jung Hyun's wonderful character!) It's on DramaFever news! look for it (I'm also Bel Watson and it is called Orange Marmalade: Look At Me

Fighting!
Bel, xx