Fourteen 
Yong Hwa 

I can’t keep listening to her so instead I pull her and do what I’ve been dying to do for so long: I kiss her. I know I should end up listening to her but I know she doesn’t want to give me another chance, she doesn’t believe what I’m trying to say and he doesn’t understand my stand now so instead of letting her carry on, I stop her in the best and most convenient way I find.

She freezes when our lips meet, her whole body tensing and her eyes widening in shock, but I don’t desist. I keep the hold of her neck but the hand I was using to grab her wrist goes to the small of her back and pulls her closer to me. I tilt my head slightly to the right and deepen the kiss, coaxing her to relax and give in.

I sigh in the kiss when she finally relaxes, melting against my body and kissing me back, even closing her eyes so I do the same and kiss her comfortably now. I hug her tighter and delight myself in the feeling of finally kissing her. Her lips so soft, warm and sweet and it’s better than I dreamt, better than whatever my imagination made me believe. Kissing Park Shin Hye surpasses any fantasy.

Hesitantly, her hands sneak up my chest until her arms wrap around my neck and I think I lose my mind. The kiss grows frantic and my heart is going crazy, but not even if I wanted—which I don’t—I could pull away.

It’s true I can’t pull away from her because I want her too much and Appa’s words keep echoing in my head. I have to try and if I try, I have to do my best to keep her with me. If I want her by my side I can’t give her room to doubt my feelings and right now that’s all she’s doing. Doubting my words and walking away because I’ve pushed her too many times. She has every right to doubt me, but I have to show her that this time things are different. I’m not fighting against her anymore, I also got tired of that. I plan to fight for her now.

She’s the first to regain her mind and retracts, but I’m not ready to let her go and lean for her lips again, trying to keep this kiss going on for I haven’t had nearly enough of her. But she stops me, her hands on my chest keeping distance.

I open my eyes and look at her, trying to catch her breath, looking down as if she didn’t dare to look me in the eyes. I can see the effects of our kiss in her flushed cheeks, her swollen and red lips that I just tasted. I can still feel them and I want them again.

“Why… why did you… did you do that?” she asks without meeting my eyes. My hands that I’ve kept on her waist start moving horizontally, trying to make her relax.

“I told you, I can’t push you away anymore. I don’t want to keep fighting you, Park Shin Hye. I won’t fight what’s between us,” I explain with a lazy smile on my lips as I keep looking at hers, drying to kiss them again.

“Who told you that you could do this, uh?” she then says and now I freeze. “Who told you that you could just kiss me?!” her voice raises and now her eyes are on me, sharp and furious and I start to consider I might have done something wrong. “You think you can just kiss me and then what, uh? You keep thinking this is a game, don’t you?”

“No, it’s not that. Shin Hye-yah, I swear it’s not—”

“Stop playing with me!” she cries out, pushing me with all her strength, her fists colliding with my chest repeatedly. “I’m not your toy. Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

I have to grab her wrists so she’ll stop hitting me but I don’t know what to say. I never imagined she would react like this.

“I told Min Ha-yah you weren’t a bad guy but I was wrong. You are one, you’re a terribly person because you keep playing with me. You treat me as if I didn’t have feelings, as if I should just follow your every whim but guess what? I don’t have to and I won’t. Leave me alone!”

Shin Hye pushes me one more time with all she has and I stumble backwards, enough to give her space so she can turn on her heels and just run away from me and what just happened. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I thought I was being clear and that now we could give this a chance. I know she has feelings for me, she wouldn’t react like this if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have kissed me back if she didn’t feel something for me. But she doesn’t trust me. She can’t believe the words I say and she just thinks I’ll do the same I’ve done already: I’ll push her away and confuse her further.

I guess it’s all my fault after all.

I bend down, my heels touching my bum and my hands fly to my hair, ruffling it as I seek for an answer to what to do now. If I had been clever from the beginning instead of foolishly fight my own feelings and desires, this wouldn’t have happened.  If I had just acted according to what my heart desired, this wouldn’t have never ended like this. She would believe me, we would be fine and we would just enjoy being together because yes, we would be together. I’m sure of it.

And now what am I supposed to do? Should I leave her alone as she asked me for and just accept the consequences of my mistakes or should I keep fighting for her? Should I try to convince her that now I won’t push her away, that now I want to explore what’s between us and I want to be with her? But how do I even do that if she doesn’t believe a single thing of what I just said? How do I make her believe me if by approaching her I’m hurting her?

I groan in defeat because I’m lost now and not in the way I was before. Ugh, why do I have to be so stubborn and prideful? Couldn’t I just go to her and ask her on a date when I saw her if that’s what I wanted to do? Why do I have to be such an idiot and coward? I really deserve what I get.

But how on Earth do I step back? I kissed her. I accepted I want her. I gave in to what I  feel for her. I don’t think there’s going back after this. How can I go on without kissing her again? Without holding her in my arms? And I want more. Goddammit, I want to kiss that mole on her eyes. I want more of her.

“Jung Yong Hwa, you’re in big trouble,” I tell myself. “And you better be careful if you don’t want to keep hurting her.”

I have to find a way to make her believe me that this time is for real, that I mean what I say and that I’ve made my mind. I need her to trust my words and actions and I don’t think begging will be enough. I’ll have to be consistent but first I need to apologise. I don’t regret kissing her because I really, really wanted to do that and I don’t think she hated it, but I do regret startling her and confusing her. I regret hurting her with my actions and for that I need to apologise.

I’ll start with that for now. One step at the time.

Hello! It's still 2014 here in Chile but Happy New Year! I hope everyone will have an amazing 2015. Thank you for making my 2014 very special.

Bel, xx