Lesson 12

Jessica

When the afternoon came, I met up with Kris at the lobby. He had one a black t-shirt and jeans, and he sat on the white sofa that made him look out of place. Both of his hands were covering his face. With in second, he peek out of between his fingers as if he had been checking for my arrival.

He stood up immediately after seeing my face. I must have look tired. After meeting with Luhan’s father, not a single atom in my body feels right. It’s like I have been missing something really important.

“Are you feeling ok?” He asked with concerns. I looked right at him and remembered the old times. I thought he was my past.

“I will call my driver.” I said with a contain face.

“I bought bus tickets.” He quickly pulled out the wrinkle tickets in his back pocket. “If you want...” He added softly. His eyes told me a strange desire.

We jumped on the express bus back to my hometown. I didn’t tell Luhan about this, because I want to find out my past on my own. If I even forget that I had lost memories that means someone is hiding them from me as well.

We took our seats and let the noise from the  rest of the crowd to take over the silence between us. A few minutes after the bus departed, he started the conversation.

“How have you been?” He questioned with a calm voice.

“I have been ok. I restarted my life.” I replied, but this time i am being truthful. I no longer hold hate or love towards him. I had completely let go.

“That’s good.” He said nodded his head.

“Kris.” I called. He turned to me with a surprised look. “I had let go the relationship between you and me. I hope you understand that.”

He kept quiet, but his expression didn’t.

“The love I had for you was dead long time ago. I changed and you changed. We are both different person now. For me, I don’t want to get back together.”

“I can’t let go. “ He turned back to face the front. Maybe my emotionless face had brought pain to his heart. “Three days after our fight, I went back to find you, but you disappeared. I waited in that house for a year thinking that you will come back. I spent all my time to find you, but in the end I was left with disappointment. So I started to drink, to date different girls and even started self- abuse. I tried so hard to forget you.”

He traced the scar on his wrist. “I can’t get over the guilt. After another year of struggle, I decided to wait for you to come back. Because...” He started to sniff his nose and cover his eyes. “Because I thought our child was alive.”

I feel the tears run down my cheeks like hot burning water. They feel like medicine. The medicine that only you can pour for yourself. I had never apologize to Kris for my childish behaviors. It was even selfish of me to put all the guilt on him.

“I am sorry, Kris.” I petted his hair.

As soon as we arrive at the old town, we walked towards the bridge. I remembered the little spot I have created my child. He broke down in front the small little stone. I didn’t fight back my tears. Kris paid his respect and asked me to hold hand with him for the last time. I dropped the rock on my shoulder.

I agreed as we sat at the end of the bridge. We told each other stories from the past. When the sun reached the end of the sky, we decided to say a proper goodbye with each other.

He kissed me on the cheek without my permission, but I understood it was meant for the old me. It was meant for the longing of his past lover.

I let go of his hand and walked towards the other way of the bridge. He waved his hand at me and I waved mines.

“The next time we see each other. We will look towards the future.” I said to myself, but I am sure he was thinking the same time.

We both departed to our own journey. He will start his new road.

I will continue to untie the knot from the past.

“Jessica.” My mother lifted her head and smiled at me as I reach the door step. As if she had been waiting for me, she brought out hot tea and snacks for me.

“You have to come back often. After your father left, I am just a lonely old lady.” She smoothed my hand. Her eyes no longer had that rebellious energy. She told me that she stop gambling after Youngji, my brother, passed away. After that she continue to repeat her pain on losing us.

She had been talking non stop until I asked her an unrelated question.

“Did you know about my lost memories?”

She took an very long pause. As if she hadn't heard my question, she offered to bring me some more snack. “Mom!” I stop her before she can stood up.

“Please don’t hide it anymore.” I pleaded.

“You will hate me.” She replied with a solemn look that almost broke me.

“I won’t.”

She stood up and brought out a necklace from one of her old metal boxes. The silver necklace shine in mid-air. “This is yours.” She handed the necklace to me.

“What is this?” I question.

“Youngji’s death is my fauth.” She sighed. “It was not an accident.”

“What do you mean? I thought you...”

“No. My baby’s death is not an accident. In fact, you were there. You saw everything.” She wipe the tears that had betrayed her.

I only remembered my brother’s painful cries and the fading image of another boy.

“Luhan.” She said. “The boy that came with you last time.”

I stood up from the chair in shock. My heart pleading for her to stop saying the angel’s name.

“He was my best friend’s child and he was your best friend. I got his mother into grambling.” She looked down and sighed. I saw her hand shaking violently. I held her hand and sat back down.

“Mom tell me. I can handle it.”

“His mother broughted money from the sharks. Soon, they were all looking for us. After we lost, we ran away. “ She covered her eyes and words continues. “They wanted to kidnap Luhan, but Youngji end up getting killed as well.”

“What happen that day?”

“That’s all I know, baby.” She replied.

I decided not to force her into guilt, so I let go of her. After a few minutes of silence, I asked for direction to the old tree.

The sun is reaching the end of the shine for today. The sky is dye in the color orange. I walked into the big empty and reaching towards the huge tree ahead.

I remember now.

The smile that I had on my face and the joy in my heart flooded back to me. I started running. I heard the laughter against my ear. The breeze lifting me as I spreaded my arm out to form a plane. I was back to where I was. Luhan holding my hand pointing towards the tree in front of us.

With a big wide smile on his face, the little boy said, “We will live here forever. I can be your husband. You can be my wife. Youngji will be our child.” The sound of sweet innocence echoed in my heart. It must had been nice before darkness stained our past with non washable pain.

I stopped under the tree and looked up to the spot where I use to sit.

“Jessica.” His voice sounded so surreal. Slowly, I turned around recognizing the owner of this voice.

The depress look on his face told me everything. “You remembered. Didn’t you?”

The grass behind him slowly started to flash with little lights. The fireflies started their daily activities. The sun lost its flame. The star and moon lighted themselves in the dark sky. The cicada started their synchronize chorus.  He walked closer to me and eventually touched me with his gentle hand.

“Yes. I did Luhan.”