"What do you call this feeling of being there and not there? " she let out a groan and flopped onto the table like puppet on strings being set down.

"What? " he turned around, giving her a quizzical look.

"You know.. " she started to explain with one side of her face pressed against the wooden table, "Like you feel like a girl, yet you don’t. You feel happy, and yet at the same time not happy. You feel loved, yet unloved in some ways. You feel brave, and yet scared. You feel … " she left it hanging, staring at that peeling walls ahead of her.

He gave a worried glance. Sure, she often make weird remarks, or asked strange questions, but she would usually be firm, and often dominating her own conversations. Never once leaving it hanging. She could jolly well finish a debate by herself. Yes, a debate, two opinions, two arguments, and two conclusions.

Yet, what she’s proposing is like throwing herself into a pool of confusions, no opinions, no arguments, no conclusions.

"You okay? " he asked gently.

She rolled her eyes at him. “Yes. Yes. I’m not depressed, anorexic, schezophrenic, or whatever you’re thinking about … ” she lazily spat those words out.

Now he’s truly concerned, he set his pens down on the paper, and rolled his chair to her. “Why? What happen? ” he asked with genuine concern.

She gave him a long look. She looked into his eyes for a very long time. And he knows, she was thinking. It wasn’t that she doesn’t trust him. It was… well, he never understood girls well. But she was, well, used to be easy to understand. She wasn’t trying to hide herself. Yet recently, she’s dwelling in such thinkings that makes him foggy in knowing and understanding her.

"It’s just… " she trailed off again. A sign that she wasn’t confident in sharing.

"Dude… " she always calls him that. "What do you like about me?" her face was still pressed against the tables.

"Hmmm, " he pondered, giving genuine thoughts. He knows for sure, he can’t lie, and he can’t criticise. He may not understand women, but he knows this at least.

"You’re honest, " he started cautiously, eyes fixed on hers. "You’re good at verbalising your thoughts, making everyone confident in your proposed ideas… "

"I mean, why would you be my friend? " she detached herself from the table and got up.

He knit his brows, and stared at her.

"Because, you’re a good friend? "

She frowned.

"If I was a bad friend, would you leave me? " he could see that glint of insecureness in her.

"No.. " he said less confident than he felt.

She sighed. “Why am I creating images of myself to make people befriend me? ”

"Because I have to survive in this world. " she answered her own question.

"But, this makes me so fake. " she proposed another opinion to her own question.

"So, at the end of the day, one still creates image for themselves, and yet struggles to stay true to themselves. " she continued.

"Because the society cannot accept someone who wears pajamas to a formal meeting. Someone who batter off the wooden spoon. Someone who naturally yawns. Someone who response to natural fatigue and sleep when he wants. Someone who sees value in more than wealth and fame. "

She sighed, and he smiled. That’s her, able to make her own debates and end her own debate.

"It’s him, right? " he teased.

She glared at him. “Yeah, him and his stupid bunch of stuck ups.. ” she groaned ..
“I just don’t understand. ” she frowned, “Must I be those cutesy girl, dressed in skirts and thick makeup for a guy to fall in love with me? ”

He laughed, “No.. ”

"But I really love him.. " she whispered sadly.

"And he doesn’t loves me, " she concluded quietly.

"Maybe he’s not the one. "

She glanced at him, “And we’re working on the probablility, that indefinite answer. ”

He gave a nonchalant smile as he nod his head. “Love is never a sure thing. ”

“How about society? ”

"You, are part of the society. You listen to the society, you can listen to yourself."

She chewed her lips, deep in thoughts.

"And to reply your first question, I call it insecure. And the only way to resolve it, is to believe in yourself. "

He ended with a beaming face.

"Believe in myself. " she repeated.

“Easier said than done.. “she mumbled.