Jongin is sound asleep beside him, snoring lightly – something he has picked up since he reached five months pregnant – Chanyeol is positive nothing will wake him up at this point and he’s a bit glad that his boyfriend is a heavy sleeper because if they are both awake – they’ll have to talk.
He is often finding himself awake – even on days when he’s exhausted beyond his wildest imagination – not because of Jongin’s ridiculous visits to the bathroom or his constant tossing and turning. He’s more awake these past few weeks because of the fear he thinks he buried and locked away forces itself to the surface and it comes stronger.
He thinks he needs help – they both do – because of the anxiety his feeling and the fact that he’s taking it out on Jongin who is unfortunate enough to be around him whenever his emotions get the best of him.
, he wonders how long it’ll be when Jongin finally has enough and walks away. It has sunk in – the fact that he’s going to be a father in less than two months. He doesn’t know what to do anymore or how to act.
The thought of the baby being born when he has all these mixed feelings – feelings of if he even wants to raise a child now – it’s a bit nerve-wracking and gut twisting because Jesus – he wants to change, to be a better person.
He is trying – not hard enough, he knows – he needs to try harder because it’ll be different with the baby around. Seeing the baby or hearing it cry will be a remainder of just how much he ed up – it’ll not be the same with the baby around.
He feels trapped, he doesn’t know how they will be able to start over with the baby – their relationship will be different – , it’s been different since he found out and that was a good seven months ago.
He knows Jongin needs him – to be there and be sensitive but his sensitivity is covered by him being scared and he chooses to be angry instead. His thoughts are wrapped up in making enough money so they all can have a ing roof over their heads, food and all expenses that come with babies.
He’s going through his on crisis – he knows it’s selfish of him to compare his fear to
Jongin because they may be in the same situation but thoughts and things changing around them are different. He knows he can talk to Jongin about his fears – his boyfriend isn’t one to judge and Jongin has always been a good listener – Chanyeol finds it hard to show how horrible he feels because it’ll only make Jongin feel like .
It’s difficult sometimes – Jongin has his share of emotional mood swings and they are hard to deal with because his boyfriend usually isn’t too expressive. Jongin was different before, he was calmer and didn’t cry much and never got upset of the smallest things.
Chanyeol feels as though he doesn’t have support – his parents are god knows where – he doesn’t want them around, he tries reminding himself but it might be nice to have them around – and Jongdae is nothing but a co-worker these days.
He tries to give Jongin the support but it all fails when he tries to give Jongin more emotional support because his own emotions are hanging on a thin thread and whenever he stretches, it leaves him nothing but overwhelming desolation.
He goes to work afraid because he knows his enthusiasm is lacking – it used to be his getaway from the pregnancy – his performance isn’t the best. Work is a reminder of why he’s even bothering with it – the extra weight they will have in less than two months – the more he’s worries about losing his job the more he feels like a ing mess.
He needs to sink into his perceived role as a father but ; he will admit he barely understands what he feels anymore.
He is well aware of how much talking helps – talking about his fears, getting them out in the open helps – last time was a disaster and he doesn’t wish for a repeat because he’s tired of everything getting out of hand.
He thinks of sometimes – too often and pays a lot of visits to the bathroom to get himself off. – But Jongin has lost his drive from the pregnancy and stressing about the baby. Chanyeol knows he’s feeling uncomfortable with himself and the situation they’re both in.
He gets frustrated, he feels like he’s failing at everything because even when he knows Jongin’s – his boyfriend will swat or shrug him away when he attempts for anything ual.
He tries to let it not get to him – because , it’s not as though they are married.
He has the guilty pleasure of fantasizing that he’s single and responsible to no one but himself. On some days he wonders just what he’s done – he thinks the only thing that keeps him sane is watching Jongin.
Jongin keeps him on track – even when they’re against each other or not talking at all – Jongin is patient with him – despite some of his off and on mood swings.
Sometimes Chanyeol thinks it’s the guilt that makes him act the way he does because Jongin is so young and this is his fault.
He turns on the lamp on their nightstand, e rolls onto his side – head resting comfortably on his arm – and stares intently at Jongin’s sleeping face.
Doing this – analyzing every feature on his boyfriend’s face when he’s asleep is much easier because he’s oblivious and he isn’t going to be forced to make any sort of eye contact – Jongin’s eyes are often sad these days and his eyes are painful to look at because he knows he’s the reason.
His eyes trail from his face – parted plump rosy lips – down to his neck, collarbone and finally to his chest before the stop on the swell of his belly.
The hard bump is sticking out of Jongin’s nightshirt – thanks to the tossing and turning before he finally found sleep – and Chanyeol doesn’t think he’s ever stared hard at something before.
He gets this urge to feel it and the curiosity to know what it feels like to run his hands over it. He swallows thickly, raising his hand and pulls Jongin’s nightshirt upwards to show more of the bump.
He rests his large hand on it, spreads his fingers on the bump – right on the spot Jongin often rubs – Chanyeol pauses, it feels hard, he didn’t expect it to feel this hard at all. He has had the belly rubbing against him every now and then but never has he had the time to think of what it feels like.
His hand stays there for a few minutes; the flutters that come have him jerking his hand back as if burnt. He looks back at his hand – obviously nothing’s on it, you idiot, he thinks – and looks back at the bump.
It felt weird, something – the baby – just moved inside his boyfriend.
He doesn’t know how long he lays there staring at the bump with nothing running through his head but the wish to feel the flutter again. He snaps out of his stupor when he hears Jongin stirring and whining something intelligible, he watches how the younger turns over with his back to him and his hand rests on his belly.
“Go to sleep,” Jongin’s voice is groggy and low – for a second Chanyeol thinks it’s directed to him but Jongin doesn’t know he’s awake. “Calm down, baby, you interrupted my sleep,” The laugh that escapes the younger’s mouth is throaty, “And I was having a nice dream, too – rude little boy,”
This isn’t the first time he’s heard Jongin talking to the baby – he does it a lot and mostly during nights when they both can’t sleep. Jongin says their baby kicks an awful lot and sometimes it hurts – whenever his face twists unexpectedly, Chanyeol knows it’s because the baby has landed a kick on his boyfriend’s ribs.
Jongin says nothing more and Chanyeol knows he’s sleeping again – he pulls the duvet over them and up to his boyfriend’s neck before he tries to get some sleep.
He has the day off – it feels great because he gets the chance to sleep in without having to worry about being late. Jongin gets out of bed before he does – something about craving some carrots that Chanyeol helps they have because he isn’t up for leaving the apartment to get some.
Jongin doesn’t come back in the bedroom – he hears the television turn on and he buries his head deeper into his pillow before drifting off to sleep.
Chanyeol is up a good three hours later after much needed sleep at the sound of two people talking – last time he checked, he and Jongin were the only ones living in the apartment. He’s a little disorientated and takes a moment to gather his thoughts.
He sits up in bed, running his hands through his tousled hair and yawning shamelessly loud before he’s on his feet and heading for the bedroom door. He unlocks the door, pokes his head out and wishes he didn’t when he sees Sehun sitting on his sofa with Jongin.
He should be used to this by now but he’s not. Sehun has been showing up at their apartment – at all ing hours – just after Jongin passed his 29th week.
Chanyeol hates having him around – his blood is always boiling when he sees Sehun beside Jongin and touching him, being in his personal space as though he’s the one who’s the boyfriend – .
Sehun touches Jongin without permission and Chanyeol glares at lot more at Jongin because his boyfriend lets it happen like it’s nothing.
He thinks he’ll snap one day and punch Sehun in the face just to satisfy the green eyed monster growing whenever he’s around. He wants to punch the out of him because Sehun is just what Jongin needs – he’s ing perfect.
Chanyeol slams the bedroom door – as childish as that is, he doesn’t are – and heads for the bathroom to freshen up with plans to stay in the bedroom until Sehun leaves.
It’s stupid, silly and irrational – this hatred he has for someone he has barely has had a normal conversation with but there’s nothing he can do about it because Sehun has been Jongin’s friend long before he came around.
He remembers how hard it was dating Jongin the first time around – Sehun acted like Chanyeol never existed on some days and on other days; he behaved as though Chanyeol was stepping in his territory whenever he tried to strike up a conversation with Jongin.
When Chanyeol is done showering, he leaves the bathroom after drying himself up and dresses in lazy sweatpants and a shirt. He debates on leaving the apartment or stay in the bedroom until Sehun leaves.
He stays in the bedroom – with his jealously only causing him to feel angrier.
He sleeps everything off – tight lipped with a sour expression – and when he wakes, its quiet save for the sound of the television. He stands from their bed, walks over to the door and steps out when he spots Jongin on the sofa alone.
Jongin looks up at him, says nothing and turns his attention to the TV program. He has a bowl of grapes resting on his belly with his hand holding it steady – Chanyeol has noticed he sets bowls on top of his belly whenever he’s watching TV.
He’s obviously pissed – the lack of a smile from him tells him that much and Chanyeol keeps quiet as he slides on the sofa and tensely stares at the screen – waiting for Jongin to say something.
“That was rude, you know,” Jongin starts flatly, but the obvious irritation is barely hidden.
“I don’t want him around.” He answers after a moment of silence; never does he turn to look over at Jongin even though he can feel the younger’s stare boring holes into his head.
“That’s not for you to decide – stop.” Jongin says with a bite – he gets defensive when it comes to anything negative said to or about Sehun and Chanyeol knows that’s a line he will not cross.
He turns his gaze from the screen to Jongin and finds the younger glaring at him, he scoffs, “You do know that he’s in love with you,” He mumbles, eyeing how Jongin’s face goes from annoyed to expressionless – his jaw clenched and lips pressed into a thin line.
Jongin sits up, he sets the bowl on the tiny coffee table in front of them before he lets out a long sigh – like he’s sick of him or something and it has his guts twisting because even though he knows what he’s saying about Sehun isn’t true – the thought still scares him.
“Every time I think you’re improving – you do or say something to mess up,” Jongin hisses and the words slam into him unexpectedly, “Sehun has nothing to do with our disagreements. I do,” His glare is sharper and he looks pissed, “And so does our baby,” Exhales.
Chanyeol immediately looks away from him, he doesn’t even know what he was trying to gain from saying that – maybe he does wish for Jongin to tell him he’s right. , he wishes for them to fight because it seems to be the only way they talk and he gets to vent without being called out of his silliness.
“,” Chanyeol breathes.
“I love you, Chanyeol,” Jongin’s voice is brittle; “But I can’t stay here. Not with you ac –” Chanyeol fails to hear what comes after that because he can feel his heart in his throat at the first words and can hear his own heartbeat pounding loudly in his ears.
His throat feels dry and tight – a terrible pain in his throat and when he opens his mouth; he struggles to stifle the sob in his throat.
omg i wrote this today and like i hope this is worth the wait D; been ridiculously lazy and busy
jfc this the first time i love you has been said in dialogue here and its not for making up wtf srsly why do i do this
wrote this half asleep /floats