Chanyeol decides to come clean; he figures now that honesty is the best approach and with Jongin’s hopeful eyes staring into his own tell him he can say anything he wants to – nothing to drastic or harsh enough to make his boyfriend cry, though.
“I feel like it’s my fault,” The words come out controlled – like his tone now – and he holds Jongin’s gaze as he says it. His heart is hammering lightly and his palms are a little sweaty – He sees how quick the sadness flashes in Jongin’s eyes and he starts to hate himself even more. “Because I feel like I took advantage of you when I refused to put on a –”
“Condoms make you uncomfortable,” Jongin reasons with him and Chanyeol thinks his boyfriend is too nice – and naïve.
“They do,” Which isn’t at all a lie, “But that isn’t an excuse – look where that got me – us?”
“It’s both our faults, Chanyeol,” Jongin tells him, “We can’t change that now.”
“Aren’t you angry?” He presses – man, he wants Jongin to yell at him and not burst into tears – that might have been possible before Jongin got pregnant though because yelling equals to Jongin being a sobbing mess these days.
“How will that help?” The younger looks away from him, stares down at the mug in his hands and shudders slightly, as if he’s cold. “I try to avoid fights with you and Wufan as best as I can.” He informs.
“Fights with Wufan?” He’s never heard of this before – Jongin pretty much has Wufan wrapped around his finger and he’s never really seen Wufan yell at Jongin – scold him, yes, but never yell or raising his voice at him; it’s usually the other way around or Luhan lecturing them both.
He will not even touch on how often he and Jongin argue – they argue on daily basis and it’s become like a stupid routine that’s unavoidable.
Jongin nods, “He wants me to move out,” He looks up at him and the conflict Chanyeol sees makes his stomach turn. He tries to tell himself that Jongin hasn’t thought of leaving him – to comfort himself that he’ll always wake up next to Jongin. “I can’t. I won’t leave you,” He stares down his mug again and visibly tenses.
“Why won’t you?” He wishes he can shut his mouth and not speak, “Don’t you think it’s for the best?” Regardless if Jongin leaves him – he’ll still be stuck paying an amount of child support each passing month and who’s to say if he’s ever going to come back to him once he leaves? “The baby will have support from them and you won’t have to worry about diapers or clothes –”
“You’re so stupid,” Jongin mumbles under his breath – an expression of complete disbelief on his features and Chanyeol almost feels stupid, “It’s not only about money. I need you to be involved –“
“I’m not ready to be a father, Jongin.” He blurts out and glances at the motionless younger male.
“I’m the one who’s feeling the body changes and hating myself every single day for not being careful – if you aren’t ready – do you think I am? I’m twenty years old and I have no choice but to adjust to this because my body isn’t going to pause and wait for me to make up my mind.” He pauses, looking from his mug and stares sadly at him – he chews on his lower lip and he’s trying not to show how upset he is but Chanyeol has been with him long enough to know the little signs, “I put dancing side; you know how much that meant to me and yet you still think I have it easy – like I’m alright with this whole thing.”
He runs his fingers through his hair and grips tightly – the conversation is getting out of hand and he needs to calm himself down before he starts shouting back. “I–”
“This isn’t only about you! This isn’t about us alone anymore; why can’t you just s–see that? There’s a baby on the way, Chanyeol!” The more Jongin keeps screaming at him, the angrier he gets and he clenches his fists – mentally counts from one to ten and shut his eyes. He buries his face in his hands and lets out a shaky sigh.
“What if – what if I don’t want to do this?” He doesn’t look up or take his hands away from his face.
Jongin doesn’t respond for a while and Chanyeol’s scared for what he’s respond will be – he curses himself for saying something this stupid. This whole conversation is a dirty mess and he wants to leave the house for some ing fresh air.
“Walk away.” He hears Jongin stand from the spot beside him, “And make sure I’m not awake or around to see you do it. I won’t force you to stay with me anymore,” And then he’s gone – Chanyeol hears the silent click of the front door and he’s left with the bitterness of processing Jongin’s cold words.
He reminds there on the sofa, staring at his feet and heart aching worse than it has in months. He figures he can’t keep sitting there – not with Jongin outside heading to who knows where.
He gets up after ignoring the sudden urge to knock over the coffee table and heads for the front door; he slips his feet into his shoes and wears his coat before opening the door and stepping out. He doesn’t have to go too far to find Jongin – his boyfriend is standing outside the apartment entrance fiddling with his phone and wiping at his face.
Familiar faces who know his relationship with Jongin stare at him like he’s so kind of monster – of course he is; you can’t expect to make a pregnant person cry and wait for people to smile at you for it. When a pregnant being is hurt – everyone runs to their defense and space ing stops until they’re happy – what’s going on with the other person.
“Come on, Jongin, people are staring,” He mumbles when he’s next to him, “Let’s go back inside,” He places his hand on his shoulder and gets shrugged off, he raises his eyebrow at that and frowns.
“Sehun is coming over in fifteen minutes to pick me up – I think I’ll wait out here,” He announces – voice firm and holding no room for arguments – like it’s something normal for Sehun to be knowing of everything that goes on with them and it is but it never fails to make Chanyeol’s blood boil and his skin crawl in disgust.
That er, Chanyeol thinks and stands beside Jongin – waiting for Sehun even though he knows he doesn’t have to. This isn’t the first time Jongin’s knight in shining armor has come to take Jongin away from him.
He had to cut his shift at the gas station short, Jongdae waved him after with a I hope it's a bratty little girl! – They get to find out the of the baby, hear its heartbeat and see it's movements on a screen – he isn't sure how this whole thing works and he isn’t eager to learn.
It’s his first time seeing Jongin’s doctor when they find the baby is a boy – he’s going to be a tiny one, the doctor says as she looks worriedly at Jongin. He watches her talk to Jongin, she's calm and gentle with him; she coaxes him to tell her how he’s psychically feeling. He answers her and Chanyeol is somewhat amazed by the body changes Jongin talks about.
The doctor’s small hands move across the swell of his bump as she feels around it – pokes and prods at his lower abdomen– he doesn't know what she looking for; she must have already said why she's doing that but he's already spacing out.
He’s 20 weeks pregnant and according to the doctor – after he’s weighed, his bump is poked at some more– he apparently needs to eat a little more because he’s underweight and it’s not good for the baby.
She preaches to Chanyeol and he’s close to telling her to back off but he shuts his mouth and says nothing more for the rest of the visit at the hospital.
As they leave the hospital – Chanyeol loses count of how many times people stop them and ask how many months? boy or girl? or ask Jongin to touch his bump and Jongin is polite about it, he lets them and answers some of their curious questions.
They take the bus back home in silence – strangers smile warmly at them and little children point – Chanyeol feels weird but he guesses it’s because this has to be the first time he has been out with Jongin with a round belly.
He wonders how Jongin manages – the attention and affection from random people must be exhausting, if not annoying.
They enter their apartment – his boyfriend goes straight for a nap in bed and Chanyeol gets ready for job hunting.
He settles for less – he sends fourteen applications to different places he comes across and receives a response from two days later; lawn mowing every weekend and dog walking every Wednesday evenings.
He takes them with a heavy heart – he knows he can find something descent but his will to do anything worth it isn’t with him.
He wonders what his professors who weren't his biggest fans would think if they saw how he’s struggling now because he apparently had it so easy – his parents basically dealt with all his expenses back then.
He wonders what they’re say if they find out they’re going to be grandparents – he’s already disappointed them too many times in the past for this to even be a shock.
He can proudly say he's grown to be his own person; he has his own small ty apartment and gets his salary every month – he was pretty content with his life until the baby.
Handling three useless jobs takes a lot of his time and his energy levels get lower each day – his tolerance level goes to zero and he feels like a dirty dog but he doesn't about it – what right does he have to even complain about anything anyway?
Jongin always has this concerned look on his face when he looks at him and Chanyeol avoids talking when he's asked are you okay? It’s a meaningless question because no, he ing isn't okay and he isn’t happy – he’s miserable and he regrets not covering his junk when he needed to – he tries to deal with everything without trying to look for an easy way out.
The feeling of wishing to walk out on Jongin and his unborn child– and saying it to this whole situation is tempting.
The Wus buy them a crib as congratulations a few weeks later and it’s set into their bedroom, a few things are moved around and out of their bedroom in order to rearrange everything and Chanyeol unfortunately had no say – he plans to talk to Jongin about it later, right now he’ll do as Wufan orders him to do.
“You should think of getting a bigger place,” Wufan says, he’s holding a hammer and Chanyeol eyes it suspiciously. He knows Wufan won’t hit him because Jongin, Luhan and their little girl are in the living room – but he can’t be sure so he’s on his guard.
“I’m not a walking bank of money.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes and turns to the instruction book in his hands – he’s not sure what page he should be reading but anything to keep him from staring at Wufan.
“Well,” Wufan grunts – he looks over to him coldly and Chanyeol is quick to look away, “You have a few months to think of something.” The returns to the crib that’s almost finished and adjusts the last piece of wood he has to nail firmly on. “I don’t know what you’ve been doing– are you an idiot?”
“You’re in my home!” He snaps angrily, “Don’t talk to me like that.” He adds on bitterly and glares at the instruction’s book.
“What does he see in you?” The older man shakes his head and continues nailing the wood on the crib.
Chanyeol wants to strangle him now that his attention is on perfecting the crib but he stops himself – the last thing he needs is getting another beating because this time he’s sure he’s going to fight back.
He drops the instruction’s book on their messy bed with new baby clothes the Wus, Jongdae and ing Sehun have brought for the baby – Chanyeol feels humiliated and ashamed because he hasn’t bothered to buy baby clothes or anything baby related.
He will never admit to going window shopping, though.
He keeps is monthly salaries in his bank account – helps pay for Jongin’s seemingly endless hospital bills – he hasn’t figured out what to do with the money yet – it’s still not enough to get them a bigger house or rent some place bigger.
He stops outside his bedroom door and looks over to the living room – Jongin is lying on his side on the couch watching something program on T.V and Luhan is sitting on the armchair with the little girl snoring away in his arms.
Luhan spots him first and offers him a smile – he doesn't return it because what the – the older man turns to Jongin and nods encouragingly before carrying the young girl carefully in his arms and walking to their bedroom.
Chanyeol watches Jongin struggle to sit up and look sleepily over at him, the younger smiles at him sheepishly.
“Hey,” Jongin starts softly; Chanyeol watches how his hands are rubbing the round bump in careful circular motions – his bellybutton is looking like it’s about to pop; he is 26 weeks pregnant and his stomach isn’t getting any smaller.
It’s a habit he has noticed Jongin has picked up the last few months, he rubs his back often and is almost always out of breath after short distances – getting out of bed is a struggle and his fist are swollen sometimes.
“Hey,” He replies back. They are still awkward with each other, their conversations don’t go on for a long time and Chanyeol stopped bothering to lengthen them.
He sometimes wonders when Jongin will get up and walk away.
“The crib is lovely,” Chanyeol finds himself saying, his words are bitter and he hopes Jongin doesn’t hear the irritation.
“Wufan isn’t doing this to make you feel bad– you know that.” Obviously Jongin still knows what his thinking without him having to say it, “And yes, it’s lovely.” Jongin lets out a small laugh and Chanyeol’s heart flutters because it has been ages since he has heard his boyfriend’s laugh.
The silence that follows isn’t uncomfortable but it’s heavy – every once in a while, a giggle and squeal comes from their bedroom or Luhan’s stern voice scolding both Wufan and the little girl.
“Ah,” Jongin breaths looking startled and his hand goes back to rubbing his bump – Chanyeol feels his heart pounding in his ears and he almost starts panicking, “It’s n –nothing,” His cracking voice isn’t at all convincing. “He startled me, is all.” The tired smile on his lips and the far away in Jongin’s eyes worry him a little.
“He's moving?” He questions bewilderedly and wants to slap himself because Jongin is clearly talking about their baby’s fluttering movements.
“Yes,” Jongin nods eagerly, “He has been for a while now; you know that,” He whispers but Chanyeol hears him.
“Do you want to feel him?” Jongin hesitantly asks and releases a nervous laugh that almost sounds like a hoarse cry when Chanyeol turns to him sharply, “Just a few seconds–“
“No.” Chanyeol murmurs as gently as he can and he watches how Jongin’s face falls, the fake smile on his face fails to mask the hurt in his eyes.
“A–alright,” He trails off, the word slurring slightly.
ignore errors pls
next update should be up sometime next week /vanishes