“You look like ,” Jongdae tells him after a few minutes of silence in the break room – they both worked in silence and only spoke to the customers that entered the gas station for some fast food, pay for gas or to use the rest room.
“ you.” There is no heat behind his words; he runs a shaky hand over his hair before rubbing the back of his neck. He picks up the unattractively huge mug and takes a sip of his bitter coffee – it’s already gone cold because his mind isn’t really with him.
He left their apartment like a ing coward and has no intention of going back anytime soon – he’s still shaken up. He knows he’s being immature – he just walked out on his boyfriend after finding out; Jongin is probably scared and feeling abandoned, but Chanyeol doesn’t think he’s ready to face him yet.
The fear from this morning hasn’t evaporated like he’d like it to.
His throat tightens when he thinks about how frightened Jongin sounded. Jesus, how long has Jongin known?
“What happened?” Jongdae sighs, he sounds concerned and Chanyeol wants to brush him off because his friend doesn’t need to know about his personal life– “Jongin?” Jongdae’s guess cuts off his train of thought and he looks over at the older man through the corner of his eye.
He trusts Jongdae, he knows the guy will have his back; they have been friends since senior year of high school but Jongdae is also fond of Jongin – he treats him like he’s little brother. Chanyeol knows Jongdae will lecture him if he finds out he stormed out without even so much as soothing his scared boyfriend.
“He’s pregnant.” The words come out before he can stop them, he grimaces and hides behind his mug staring into the coffee and wishing to dissolve in it. Saying it aloud makes it sound more real – his heart skips a beat and he swallows thickly.
He feels stupid – there were so many telltale signs, but pregnancy was the last thing on his mind. Jongin has been queasy, tired and senselessly irritable especially during the mornings. In Chanyeol’s defense, he’s not a morning person and half of what he sees or hears – he never commits to memory or questions it.
“Condoms aren’t expensive, Yeol.” Jongdae says and Chanyeol rolls his eyes – it’s already too late to be thinking about condoms. They have a packet of them somewhere in their drawers, but Chanyeol hates how suffocating they ing feel on him. “How far along is he?” The older man questions gently.
Chanyeol shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
He doesn’t know – he didn’t ask – and he just doesn’t want to know. “I don’t know,” He shrugs and stands up before Jongdae can say or ask him anything else, he walks out to get some fresh air out through the back door before he can go back to continuing his ty job and avoiding Jongdae’s questioning eyes.
Chanyeol drops the coins needed in the slot and slides onto the first seat on the third roll. He managed to escape Jongdae before he could corner him and ask him more noisy questions about Jongin.
He begins to twiddle with his cellphone, a few messages from some friends and his jaw clenches at the sight of Jongin’s name.
Sunday, 16th april 2014
I was going to tell you – 09:45am
Sunday, 16th april 2014
Chanyeol-ah, I’m sorry – 09:46am
Sunday, 16th april 2014
Don’t be mad – 1:19pm
Sunday, 16th april 2014
Please come home soon – 4:03pm
He’s not planning to – he’s not sure he’ll be able to face Jongin without exploding in his face or letting his fear known; his pride will not allow him to voice out his fear. He closes the message app with no intention of replying and leans back into his seat after adjusting his snapback on his head. He hopes to catch a few minutes of sleep before he can decide what to do and where to go before he reaches his destination.
Chanyeol knows he’s being a jackass and it’s all unfair to Jongin.
“Do you want me to get rid of our – it?” Jongin’s voice is low, he sounds like he has been holding his breath for a while.
Chanyeol stiffens in bed; he eyes the ceiling into the darkness and swallows the lump in his throat. He hoped Jongin was asleep when he crawled in bed– he arrived home 15 minutes ago; it’s now 5 minutes over 11pm.
He had crashed over at the library until closing hours and grabbed dinner on his way back home – he ignored Jongin’s calls and worried messages.
He considers it; pressuring Jongin to get an abortion – it makes him seem like a horrible piece of , but he has never been the nicest person. He knows he can give Jongin the green light and the younger will do as he wishes.
He still isn’t sure if he’s planning to marry Jongin. He thought about it back when he was naïve and still going to law school – swayed by the glamorous lifestyle that lawyers supposedly live, hoping to become someone big in the future – he dropped out because being a lawyer was something his larger-than-life parents always wanted, not him.
He dropped out of law school, his parents dropped him – that was the punishment and he thought they were bluffing – it’s been two years since he has had any contact with them.
He quit law school with no Plan B – live in the moment was a foolish motto to live by; he realized that after he was stranded with nowhere to go.
He loves an easy going kind of life – not something he’s living now, though – law school always made him feel dull; it wasn’t a picnic and he didn’t have the drive or the passion for it. He aced all the exams he had, but he never sent in his assignments on time and was preoccupied with enjoying life and Jongin who was only a high school student at the time.
Chanyeol loves Jongin; his heart aches where he’s lying because he’s stopping himself from holding the boy to him, stopping himself from apologizing for being an . His brain can’t seem to get past Jongin and pregnant – he never thought he’d be saying those two things in the sentence, at least not for another few years.
Abortion is risky and even riskier when it comes to men. Too many complications, appointments and medical expenses he knows will do nothing but leave them broke before it’s all over. And the hospitals are filled with doctors who still don’t know what the hell they are supposed to do – he watches the local news with Jongdae during lazy work hours and listening to a lot of people complain about getting poor treatment.
His older sister had an abortion a few years ago – he never did ask why she did it, he guesses it had something to do with her career and their parents – but he look in her eyes told Chanyeol that she wasn’t over the trauma; she is unable to have children now.
His sister is struggling with adoption centers and papers– something about her and her husband trying to adopt a child from Thailand, they have been struggling for years to get this one child they have their minds set on.
Chanyeol wonders if they have succeeded – he deliberately lost her number but he knows where she works; she never stood up for him and sided with their parents so he likes to pretend they all don't exist.
Abortion? Chanyeol scoffs. Jongin doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.
He doesn’t verbally respond, though. He isn’t ready to discuss the baby let along start talking about abortion – no.
They aren’t ready to be parents – they haven’t even had a discussion about children these past 4 years they have been together. Jongin is just a freshman in college now, in his second semester; majoring in dance and is only at the ripe age of twenty.
He’s still a child even though Chanyeol is only three years older – there’s a difference between someone in college and someone out working, though his job is nothing to be ing proud of.
You made a mistake and now as an adult, you need to own up to it and take responsibility for your actions – it’s easier said than done. “Dammit,” He swears hoarsely.
“Chanyeol-ah –” Jongin stammers.
turn a blind-eye to the errors you see lol next update should be up on Monday ( x ﹏ x )