For two days he stays home – drowning in despondency, doing nothing and ignoring calls from Jongdae and his bosses’ – not having it in him to let anyone see him in the mood he’s currently in. He knows he’ll be grumpier and snappish. He feels the energy drain out of him when he thinks of what excuse to give his bosses’ when he goes to his jobs.
He spends a ridiculous amount of time staring into space or at his phone – which he surprisingly has with him at all times since Jongin left. His boyfriend hasn’t contact him – no call, not a message to say he’s reached safely.
Chanyeol wants to scream. He has been having plenty of ridiculous emotions, but his anger doesn’t shadow over the self-pity he feels – the shame over what’s happened and Jongin being gone has him feeling a sense of loss – it’s overwhelming and he feels like the world has been dropped on his shoulders.
He never thought of himself as one to be so broken up over the loss of someone else – he loves Jongin more than he’s willing to admit to himself or anyone else. That fact that he’s spent two days in bed – being overall pathetic and skipping work should be stronger than any words, he figures.
He’s in bed with his face planted in Jongin’s pillow, inhaling his boyfriend’s scent gives him a sense of relief and he finds himself feeling a tad bit better. His mind is blank and he’s lacking motivation to do anything at this point – he knows he should stand up and go out – do something, anything – he hasn’t eaten for two days and he’s surprised he even has the energy to take a shower or visit the bathroom.
He blindly reaches out for the pillow on the side of his bed, he clenches his grip around it before tossing it behind him – it knocks the lamp to the floor and the sickening shatter of the bulb breaking slightly calms him down.
He rolls over onto his back and stares through the white curtains’ thin gulp – the weather is dull and looks chilly. He lets his eyes wander from their white curtains, the plain walls around the room before his eyes rest on the crib – it’s packed messily with baby clothes and some stuffed toys.
He sits up on the bed, never taking his eyes of the crib as he thinks of what it’ll be like – to wake up and see a tiny human being sleeping soundly – probably crying or being impossible to deal with. He tries to picture the image – tries to burn it in his mind because maybe, just maybe he’ll be able to deal with this a little bit better.
He has never thought of himself as a family man– with marriage comes baby or whatever people seem to say these days, it looks like he and Jongin just skipped the whole marriage thing and will have a child in two months – he doesn’t even know where they will go after that.
He’s not sure what his relationship status is – it’s complicated seems to sum up the few months nicely. His problems go past financial responsibilities and more of what’s going on in his head – and he’s failing to grasp why he’s feeling a certain emotion and who it’s directed too – but he has never questioned his love for Jongin.
He thinks about when he last told Jongin he loves him – he can’t remember and the thought worsens his mood.
He rubs his eyes, pinches his nose bridge and sighs softly – this is the longest he has been apart from Jongin – it used to be common back when he was attending university and Jongin was in high school.
Chanyeol is embarrassed to say he made more of an effort in the past – it was all about time managing – juggling between his parents demands about law school and Jongin, Jongin, Jongin. And trying to avoid Wufan because Jongin still lived with him and Luhan – Wufan was an even bigger arsehole.
He sometimes thinks of going back to law school – the thoughts get pushed back as quickly as they come because that will mean leaving Jongin for three years if he plans to attend university full time and a good four years if he does part time – and plus the fact that he dislikes the thought of sitting behind a desk with assignments to be complete waiting for him doesn’t help.
Studying and getting his bachelor’s degree was a pain in the arse enough and so were the first few months in law school – Jesus, there’s only so much his brain can tolerate.
Applying for law school again and being accepted shouldn’t be too difficult – he’s scores are high; he sometimes doesn’t know how he did it because he barely had time to focus on one thing.
There’s enough money in his bank account to pay for his first semester if he’s accepted and he can always look for a place in a law firm as part-time – and have someone write him a recommendation if they think he’s good enough later on.
He shakes his head – how ing ridiculous, the money in his account isn’t for him, he won’t use it on himself.
The money is for Jongin and the baby.
And he hates school – he’s always been the kind of person that what he doesn’t want to do – he doesn’t do.
Chanyeol stands from the bed, his head swims as he heads for the bedroom’s exit – he leaves the room and stands by the doorway. He hears the faint sound of his neighbors yelling at each other and he groans because they have been doing this since the night before.
He knows that’s how he and Jongin probably sound when they fight to others within earshot – he tries not to think about that too much and he makes his way over to the kitchen, his stomach growling.
The fridge has most of Jongin’s weird mixed cravings still; Chanyeol makes a face before grabbing a bottle of milk and the remaining liquid before tossing it in the sink with no thought of picking it up later.
He attempts to see Jongin after a week passes – “Don’t come back.” Wufan tells him before kicking him out; he only gets a glimpse of Jongin’s back before the door is slammed in his face.
Saturday, 4th October 2014
I keep waiting for you to call or text me – 14:26PM
I’m 34 weeks today – 14:33PM
He rests his head against the bus window, the streets zooming in the background as he stares at his phone. Jongin’s message comes unexpected, he almost drops his phone and his heart pounds when he reads the two short sentences – he doesn’t say how he is and Chanyeol swallows because he wants to know – he doesn’t know how to ask, it’s fairly easy but he just doesn’t.
Jongin has been gone for a week and a half and he’s been doing nothing but messing up royally at work – he gets yelled at by his boss at the gas station who seems to be around more than usual – almost as though he has him under a microscope.
And he skipped mowing the lawn today – he made sure to call and make up an excuse this time. He’s supposed to be on the bus back home but changed his mind last minute.
He replies to Jongin with shaky fingers, hands trembling – it almost feels like the first time Jongin gave him his number years ago. He remembers being so nervous that he misspelt words and obviously Jongin thought him an idiot.
Saturday, 4th October 2014
I miss you. – 14:40PM
He presses send and stares – the reply is instant.
Saturday, 4th October 2014
Really? I miss you too – 14:41PM
He wrecks his brain of what to reply – this should be easy but his fingers fail to type a simple yes. He closes his phone and tucks it into jacket’s pocket, he sits up and prepares to get off the bus – his stop is minutes away.
The bus stops a few minutes later, he’s up on his feet, swiftly leaves his seat and steps out of the bus. Chanyeol tucks his hands into his pocket as he begins to walk down the busy streets of Seoul – it’s been a while since he’s been here and the amount of people around is almost overwhelming, staying coped up in his apartment for weeks is clearly a bad idea.
He loses count of the number of kids’ stores he walks by – don’t all babies need strollers? he catches himself wondering – back before Jongin was pregnant, he’d walk past kids’ stores without giving a damn and now, he can’t help but look.
The streets get less crumpled and buildings get higher – wider – he sees a number of people dressed up neatly now, most of them staring at their wristwatches instead of paying attention to what direction their walking in. A few bump into him and he’s too exhausted to shove them backwards.
He stops in front of his destination – stares at his reflection in the glass windows and sighs; he thinks he’s neatly dressed– a pair of clean jeans, his nicest shoes – which really isn’t saying all that much because he’s had them for about a year – a dress shirt and his beat-up jacket over it.
He heads for the doors – they automatically part and he steps into the building – a art gallery. He can’t remember the last time he’s been inside it – the place inside is wider and brighter than it was a little over two years ago.
He sees the receptionist, she’s staring at him with squinted eyes as though she’s trying to size him up – he walks over to her and stares down at her, “Hi,” His voice is rougher than he intends for it to be – the woman squeaks.
“Uh,” She starts before clearing , “Can I help you, sir?”
“Park Yura,” He says just as roughly – almost wants to turn around and walk out because he honestly doesn’t know what he’s doing here.
“Do you have an appointment? Would you like to take a look around the gallery –”
“No,” He scoffs because why would he even make an appointment to talk to his own ing sister. “It’s urgent,” Not really. “Call her for me –”
“Who are –”
“Park Chanyeol – her brother,” He’s even forgotten he’s someone’s younger brother – it’s funny how the mind works. He hasn’t said that in over two years – ignoring he has family proved easier than anything. He guesses it’s how much his pride was wounded when his parents let him go – all because he didn’t want to do what they wanted.
He doesn’t think they’ll want to see him – his older sister, Yura, is the only one he thinks he can turn to now.
He snaps out of his thought when the receptionist slams the landline down, he stares down at her and she smiles faintly at him, “She’s on her way down,” She informs, they share an awkward staring contest before she looks away – he doesn’t miss the blush creeping on her cheeks – and how nervously she starts shuffling with the papers on her desk.
Chanyeol ignores her and steps away from her desk – not a lot of people are in the gallery, just a few sophisticated adults staring at the paintings on the walls.
As the seconds tick by, his stomach churns irritably and he wants to heave – he wants to turn around and walk out because he doesn’t know what he’s even doing anymore. He stays where he’s standing because this is the only chance he’s got.
He looks up at the sound of heels hitting the floor’s tiles in a quick pace – Yura’s walking towards him in rapid and graceless footsteps. She’s looking around frantically before she spots him, her pace quickens and in now time, she’s standing before him – eyes narrowed and , she looks pissed.
He gets a hard smack across the face before he can even breathe a word.
i apologize for any errors OTL
next update should be up between the 20th and 30th June so until then (>‿◠)✌