Chanyeol’s throat feels dry and tight – a terrible pain in his chest and when he opens his mouth to protest– he struggles to keep himself from bawling.

To stifle the sob threatening to rip itself out of his throat, he abruptly whips his head around – he catches Jongin off guard by crashing his lips against his young boyfriend and holding him painfully tight. He feels Jongin’s hands the front of his shirt and the confused sound that comes from his mouth.

When he pulls away from the kiss, he breathes in deeply – his shoulders slump and he keeps his eyes fixed on the coffee table, hoping to catch his breath and hoping for the pain in his chest to just stop – Chanyeol looks down at his hands, the sight of them quivering as though he’s cold make him want to laugh at how pathetic he’s acting.

He intertwines his fingers together and places them on his lap hoping to hide the continuous trembling from Jongin.

Jongin seems to be in shock over the sudden kiss because he’s quiet and Chanyeol can hear his struggled breathing – as though he just ran ten laps down the block continuously.

His own mouth is slightly parted and eyes are impossibly wide – his rapid blinking wipes the suppressed tears and he swallows the uncomfortable lump in his throat. He isn’t going to cry – no matter how much his heart is tightening as each second passes.

He knows what Jongin is trying to tell him – he doesn’t want to accept it. He can practically feel himself breaking and it’s so surreal that he fails to grasp the situation like he should.

“Chanyeol, talk to me,” Jongin whispers beside him, so softly and understanding and Chanyeol feels so tired of everything. He doesn’t budge though – he curses himself for being stubborn, for being too proud to show his weak side or tell his own boyfriend his fears.

The chaos wrecking through his brain is driving him mad. All thoughts are a sloppy mess and he doesn’t even know what to think. People make talking so easy – they make opening up and spilling your insecurities feel like a short walk in the park on a sunny day.

It’s not for him – just the thought of letting his insecurities known almost feels as bad as getting his teeth pulled out forcefully.

He swallows bitterly; he wonders how long he can keep hiding behind his insecurities.

He keeps his gaze locked on the coffee table, they move to analyze the two empty mugs beside an old magazine and the apartment keys – ignoring Jongin’s dejected eyes and hoping the younger will drop it and say I’m just trying to scare you. The comfort the thought gives him dies when he feels Jongin’s finger trace his forearm like he’s going to break before they trail to his hands that he’s clenching tightly to stop them from shaking too hard.

Jongin is gentle with his movements, the younger rest his head on his shoulder and covers his two hands over his own – Chanyeol stares because it never ceases to amaze him how slender Jongin’s hands are compared to his own rough veiny ones.

“Tell me what’s wrong – what’s going through your mind right now,” Jongin mutters ever so softly and Chanyeol wonders if someone like him is even allowed to be real. He’s an angel – to be handling this as though he himself isn’t hurting. His boyfriend’s gentleness – high tolerance for his stupidity and pigheadedness– Jongin’s calmness reminds Chanyeol of just why he does what he does even though he’s against everything happening in his life at this point.

Jongin is the only right puzzle in his life – everything else keeps falling on all the wrong places and sticks. Jongin is the only thing that’s right.

“You can’t leave me,” He finds himself saying and he sounds pathetic – what a fool. He’ll sound like an arse to strangers, if they ever have the unfortunateness of hearing the way he sometimes talks to Jongin. He realizes that he’s demanding – comes across as an arsehole more often than he can keep count.

He wonders how he’s managed to keep his jobs for this long – why none of the customers at the gas station haven’t ed about him being rude because he realizes that he tends to be snappy at on ty days –  he is good at keeping his façade around anyone who isn’t Jongin.

All because they don’t know him like Jongin does. Jongin stays because he understands him; he’s the only one who has ever taken the time to get past all the pointless anger and childish ways – Chanyeol doesn’t know how he’ll cope without him around, he doesn’t want to even think about it.

Jongin sighs and he sounds tired, “You know why I have to,” Chanyeol does but that doesn’t mean he has to accept it. “It’s the best thing for both of us right now,” His boyfriend is running his fingers over his knuckles and Chanyeol knows he can feel and see how shaken up he is but says nothing about it.

“Not for me,” He responds and he feels like an open wound, he’s never felt this vulnerable in a long time and the feeling is strange. The feeling of being vulnerable almost makes him feel as though he has no backbone to hold him standing. He wants to stand up and leave the apartment – for some air and when he comes back, he wishes for this to be a horrible prank.

“I can’t be stressing every single day. It’s not healthy for our baby,” Jongin pauses, “I’m just so tired, Chanyeol.” He states, it’s stern and Chanyeol knows he has his mind made up.

“When will you –uh – come back?” It takes a lot of willpower for him to ask, his throat feels clogged as he waits for Jongin’s answer him – the latter falls quiet next to him and Chanyeol can feel his’ heart rhythm drumming at a pace he knows will pick up.

“I don’t know,” The answer is soft and unsure and Chanyeol feels all kinds of uncomfortable where he sits because that’s not an answer he wishes to hear.

“I’m trying,” He says so quietly he can barely hear his own voice – he shifts his attention to Jongin and finds himself staring into a mess of blonde locks – Jongin’s head is still resting on his shoulder and Chanyeol wonders if he’s even sitting comfortably.

Jongin sighs and raising his head from his shoulder, he pulls his hands away from Chanyeol’s and lets out a quivering sigh, “You are trying – but I’m at my wits end with you avoiding me like a plague and picking dumb fights whenever you can –”

“I’ve already told you I’m not ready!” He sees Jongin flinch in surprise at his loud pissed off shout and wants to punch himself in the mouth for talking without thinking first. He reaches out to touch him and Jongin moves out of his reach – he tries again and this time he holds Jongin’s upper arm as gently has he can.

He cups the younger’s face in his hands and turns his head to him, “I’m scared, Jongin,” He whispers hoarsely, “I’m so ing scared because I’m a up – can’t seem to do anything right and I’ve pushed too many people away already,” He shakes his head when Jongin opens his mouth, “No one understands me like you do, alright? Everything was going well before the – ” , he still can’t say it now without the feeling of instant frustration and the need to just sit on the floor with his head in his hands and just ing cry his eyes out until he feels better.

“Before the pregnancy,” Jongin finishes for him and he nods stupidly.

“And you aren’t dancing because of me –”

“I’ll dance again – you’re acting like I’m disabled –”

“You’ll be cut open to get him out – don’t you understand?”

The thought of Jongin being cut open doesn’t sit well with him – he doesn’t like to think about it, it makes his skin feel tight and uncomfortable – so many things can go wrong and he keeps thinking the worst without meaning to and , it’s too frightening to deal with.

“I’ll need to time to heal and I’ll be back on my feet in no time.” Chanyeol searches his eyes and watches how the smile Jongin puts on his face falls as quickly as it was forced to appear. “I miss it.” Jongin’s bottom lip quivers and Chanyeol sees how quickly the tears in his eyes well up, he knows Jongin is just a second from crying but trying to keep his tears in check.

“It’s okay,” He whispers, rubbing Jongin’s cheek with his thumb and watches how the first tear falls – inviting the others – he doesn’t wipe the tears away and presses his forehead against Jongin’s before kissing the tip of his nose and wrapping his arms around his shaking frame.

“It’s not,” Jongin says into his shoulder and Chanyeol says nothing, he runs fingers through Jongin’s hair before he starts rubbing the small of his back – he feels his own tears gather up and Jesus, trying not to cry takes a lot of self-control. “Things haven’t been okay for a long time.”

)(

Wufan comes over to pick Jongin up the next afternoon when Chanyeol returns from his painfully slow day at the gas station – the older man doesn’t at him like Chanyeol expects him to.

Jongin gives him a kiss, its short and hurried because Wufan looks impatient but Chanyeol ignores his presence and clings to Jongin even when he tries to pull away. He wraps his arms tightly around him – wishing for him to not go through with leaving him alone even though he knows that once Jongin has his mind made up about something, it’s almost impossible to change it.

He finally lets Jongin pull away and looks at him, he can feel his hands trembling as he brushes Jongin’s bangs away from his face. He presses another kiss on his boyfriend’s lips before stepping away hesitantly.

He watches Jongin enter the car and sit on the passenger seat, Jongin waves to him sadly before turning to look behind his seat – Chanyeol sees Jiali in her car seat, he can tells she’s excited from how she’s bouncing in her seat and making grabby hands at Jongin.

The further the car drives away from him, the deadness he feels inside gets unbearable. He stands there even after the car is out of sight. His fists are clenched to his sides and he waits to scream because he knows he’s ed up with Jongin, he has been ing up for months now.

Chanyeol rubs a hand over his face and turns around; he stalks back into their apartment complex before forcefully opening their door and slamming it unnecessarily hard. He leans against the door and let’s himself slid down to the floor like he has no bones in his body.

The apartment is quiet, it’s suffocating.

He stares at the ceiling for a few moments before he puts his face in his hands and allows himself to cry.

)(

ignore errors

This was supposed to be posted last night but like I went out to watch X-Men: Days of Future Past and was too wowed because I’m a huge er for it and it was too amazing so I forgot and went to sleep I slept for 12 hours straight sooo yeah