Not edited orz

Chanyeol can’t find it in himself to put the infant down. Seungsu gives him a sense of comfort he can’t explain and he doesn’t ponder on why he feels that way when a small noise escapes his son’s parted mouth. He’s fallen asleep but the distress is obvious on his tiny body – Chanyeol thinks it’s got something to do with being parted from Jongin.

This is the longest Jongin has been parted from their son since leaving the hospital and something tells Chanyeol Seungsu somehow senses his absence. He swallows thickly and tries his hardest to stay rooted where he sits on the edge of the bed.

The longer he sits there doing nothing, the heavier his heart gets and the deep fear runs through him. He feels powerless – he doesn’t know where Jongin is or how to get a hold of him.

He hasn’t tried to call the Wus and asked – he thought about it, but he’s too prideful to start explaining himself and he’s not ready to face more blame. He can’t call Sehun because he doesn’t know the brat’s number.

He glances at his phone lying across from him on the nightstand– he sees no notification alert coming from it, but he stupidly wishes for his screen to come to life to indicate Jongin’s call or a message of some sort.

He hasn’t tried calling again – he’s already called and sent an embarrassing amount of desperate messages and , he feels crappy and at loss of what to do next. He’s still dressed in his suit – though it looks short of a mess because of the unclipped buttons and untucked shirt.

He tries his damn hardest not to think about Jongin bailing out of him because Jongin isn’t like that.

He knows Jongin.

Jongin isn’t him.

Jongin isn’t like him.

Nothing helps calm the heavy sense of dread he’s feeling – he looks down at Seungsu and figures he’ll never get used to how small Seungsu is. How tiny his little body rests comfortably into his arms as though he’s on some kind of magical mattress: his heart beating quickly even as he sleeps and stirring every once in a while.

The pure innocence on his face is something Chanyeol wishes he still had and envies when he looks at his son but he’s already tainted. “You won’t have worry about anything for a long time, huh?” He whispers quietly, not in the least wanting to wake the infant because it was a nightmare to get him to be quiet.  

)(
 

He jolts awake at the sound of heavy footsteps from the neighbors above them moving about– he stares at the ceiling for a while before rubbing his hand over his face and groaning quietly as he sits up on the bed.

He peeks through the crib’s bars, Seungsu’s still sound asleep – he’ll have to wake him in an hour for his bottle.

Chanyeol swings his feet off the bed, runs his fingers through his unruly locks and stands up. He grabs his phone – no response from Jongin, a missed call from his sister and a message from Jongdae asking when he’s free from work and daddy duties.

He sends I’ll let you know to Jongdae and I’m busy, I’ll call you tomorrow to Yura. He dumps his phone back on the messy bed, spares Seungsu a quick glance before he steps out of the bedroom to look for something to eat.

He stops short in the doorway –his mouth goes tightlipped and brows furrow deeply as he stares at Jongin sitting on the sofa with his legs to his chest. He opens his mouth to get his attention but quickly closes it and stomps over the kitchen.

He doesn’t pause when Jongin straightens on the sofa and enters the kitchen.

He yanks the cardboard’s door open and grabs a glass, stepping over to the sink and opening the tap – he lets the water run as he tries to rid himself of the overwhelming anger rolling in his gut.

He feels Jongin’s presence by the door, he refuses to turn around and look at him. Too upset – too baffled to have anything nice to say.

He stares at the water flowing before slamming the top of the tap to stop it from running – so much for trying to stay calm– and takes in a deep breathe. He sets the glass beside the sink and slowly turns around.

“You’re mad at me,” It’s a statement, not a question, but the way Jongin says it – like he doesn’t understand why he’d be pissed.

“I’m ing furious, Jongin.” He grunts, “What the was that all about, huh?” He keeps his voice to a minimal level, not in the mood to yell because he can already feel the headache approaching.

 “Is Seungsu alright?” Jongin brushes his question off like it’s nothing.

“What the – are you kidding me?” He asks in disbelief and searches Jongin’s eyes from where he’s standing. He pushes himself from where he’s leaning against and stalks over to him, “Are you doing this on purpose to see how long it’ll take before I ing burst?” He stops within arms’ length and cross his hands over his chest.

“No.” He shakes his head rapidly, “I wanted to be alone and–”

“Is this you trying to get back at me?” He snaps and continues before Jongin can protest, “We both need to get our together here, Jongin,” He scowls, “If this – whatever the this is– is going to work then we need to grow up and start talking about what comes next.”

“If I would I could,” He mumbles and closes his eyes for a brief second, “My emotions are messed up, Chanyeol, and I had my doctor tell me I’m depressed today when I told him about the thought’s I’ve been having, you know,” He continues, “Postpartum Depression– something I didn’t think was possible because it hasn’t even been long since Seungsu.”

And this is the part where he feels dumb, “What?”

“He has put me on an antidepressant so no; I can’t get my together yet.”

They stand in silence – Chanyeol wrecking his brain of what to respond to that, but wisely shuts up because there’s nothing he can say. He’s no professional and doesn’t know the first thing about Postpartum or whatever the Jongin just blurt out.

Jongin shrugs, leaning against the wall and looking so ing defeated – Chanyeol almost feels bad for getting mad. Almost. “I had to stay out for a while. Sorry for any worry–”

“I thought you ing left me – us,” He lets out a bitter laugh, “For a moment there I thought you weren’t going to come back.” He runs a hand over his face and looks into Jongin’s eyes, “I’m sorry.”

The younger blinks at him and gives him a strange look. “What if I did?”

Chanyeol stares hard at him – I’d give up. Stop trying so hard – but instead he replies, “I’d find you and drag back here,” He pauses, “Leaving without letting me know beforehand isn’t an option.”

The silence drops around them – he wonders for a moment if Jongin can hear how loud his heart is beating in anxiety. He can’t tell what Jongin is thinking, not with how the younger is staring at him with guarded eyes. He easily reads the guilt when the guard wavers for a second.

Chanyeol wants to suffocate when Jongin holds his silence. “What do you want to do – about that,” He corrects himself almost immediately, “About your postpartum? About Seungsu? Me? About us?”

)(

“Need help?” Chanyeol asks as he grabs the diaper bag packed with all Seungsu’s necessities for a day. He slams the door and rounds the car to wait for Jongin to get Seungsu out of his car seat.

Jongin moves from the car with a frustrated scowl. “Can’t get the seatbelts to budge,” He grumbles and Chanyeol nods before poking his head in the backseat of his Taxi and stares down at Seungsu’s sleeping face. He probably fell asleep because there’s nothing fancy to stare at when his seat is facing towards the rear window.

He releases the car seat in seconds – all thanks to the experience, some clients have toddlers and he’s always the one to attach the car seat and remove it after. He pulls out the car seat with Seungsu still in it and supports it with his arm; he shuts the door with his foot before handing Seungsu over to Jongin.

He lets Jongin led him to the main door, ring the doorbell and they both wait in silence – he hasn’t been at the Wus in what seems like a eternity – and would’ve liked to keep it that way, if he’s honest with himself.

“Hey, Luhan,” He finds himself saying when the older man opens the door, Jongin’s niece is glued to the man and Chanyeol spots Wufan hovering in the background.

“Hi,” Luhan smiles easily and Jiali squeaks out a hello before turning around and running off – Wufan gently tells her not to run around in the background. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay for a few minutes?”

“No,” Jongin says, “It’ll only be harder to leave him even we’ve been doing this for a month,” He says and thank  because sticking around isn’t something Chanyeol wants to do. Jongin holds the car seat out to Luhan who eagerly take a firm hold on it and accepts the diaper bag from Chanyeol.

“Call me when you’re ready to pick him up, alright?” Luhan says and passes over the bag to Wufan who takes it – nods to Chanyeol and Jongin before walking further into their house.

“We will,”

The first few times being alone without Seungsu had been awkward – strange even. The place was quieter, but everything was deafening.

They made some sort of agreement to have a day each week to themselves, to stay home and be around each other.

Chanyeol once suggested therapy and Jongin declined – tell me if it gets worse and I’ll go. – Chanyeol was quick to drop his suggestion, not up for another childish quarrel.

He mostly stayed out of Jongin’s way when they were alone – Jongin’s hormones were ing everywhere on some days. When it was hard to deal with, he’d leave the room and find something to distract himself for a few hours.

He’d get an apology before they left to pick up Seungsu from the Wus and on rare occasions from Yura’s.

They stand there staring at the shut door even after Luhan walks. Chanyeol breaks out of his stupor, places his arm around Jongin’s waist and leads him back to the car. “He’ll be fine,” He says with a sigh.

)(

“I’m being serious,” Jongin starts softly, “I don’t remember how we did it – how we worked before Seungsu,” He in a deep breath and shudders at the cold because of the open window.

“Seriously,” Chanyeol groans as he turns under the sheets, “Can that conversation and the mention of our son wait until we’re both decent?” He doesn’t attempt to sit up though because the bathroom feels so far away and he’s comfortable where he rests.

“Don’t be dumb. We’re not decent people, Chanyeol,” Jongin rolls his eyes and Chanyeol thinks he looks beautiful with the rosy flush tainted on his cheeks. Random laughter burbles from his guts and he’s laughing – he doesn’t know why or what’s so funny, but it feels good because Jongin’s laughter joins his.

“Stop,” Jongin shoves him a little and his face flushes in embarrassment, but lets his hand rest over where his heart is. And then there’s silence surrounding them, it’s heavy but not unwelcome.

“Is this working?” Chanyeol finally asks with a bit of hesitancy in his voice that he fails to mask.

Jongin nods his head, moves his hand lower and slides his arm over his waist, “Hm,” He hums and pushes himself closer to him, Chanyeol shivers at his warm breathe on his shoulder, “This and the quietness once every week is relaxing–”

“Good,” He chuckles, “I’m done having blue balls because of you,”

“All you had to do was ask–”

He interrupts him with a peck to his lips, “Had to give you time,” He lets his hand wonder about and rests it over Jongin’s hand over his waist. “Had to be extra patient with you,”

“Patience has never been your strongest point, you know,” Jongin mumbles and Chanyeol ignores him with a grin. He pulls Jongin’s hand out from under the sheets, he raises it to his lips and breathes on it before kissing his open palm – Jongin snickers and the dumb smile he has on his face makes Chanyeol’s day. “You’re doing great,” Jongin whispers.

“You’re gorgeous,” He breathes out in response and looks up into the dark brown eyes, the look Jongin is showering him with is one he can describe as yearning. His grip on Jongin’s hand tightens a little and they watch each other intently for a while. “What’s wrong?” He whispers quietly before immediately wrapping his arms around him and pulls him closer until their skins are rubbing against each other.

It’s nothing ual at this point – that was fifteen minutes and he still needs to catch his breath because that’s how behind he is in the game. He's embarrassed to admit he finished too quickly. - Chanyeol holds Jongin closer to him and lets out a content sigh because it feels amazing to have Jongin this close to him.

“No,” Jongin shakes his head and smiles fondly. “It’s nothing.”

)(

not edited so shaddup hopefully i don't have too many cringeworthy mistakes it’s 5am I can’t start editing wow uhh i was gonna explain why i took a month to update but it i'm going to bed