Chapter 14: On Probation

 

I couldn't speak when Lu Han said “It's Kai”, I didn't know what to expect. What happened? The whole ride to their dorm I was silent, I didn't want to speak because my fear is eating me up.

 

When we arrived I just followed Lu Han and I heard him before I saw him. The moment I heard his voice, I ran and my heart stopped when I saw him- thrashing on the bed, completely drunk and screaming my name.

 

"Ren! I won't stop until you bring Ren here!" he yells, fighting the other members who were pinning him down to the bed.

 

"Jongin..." was all he needed to hear. He whips his head to my direction, smiles, stands up then hugs me tight.

 

"You're here." he whispers, burying his face in my hair.

 

"I'm here and you're safe. What happened huh?" I ask, pulling back to see his face.

 

"Nothing, nothing happened. I just wanted to make sure that I haven't lost you." he says, staring questioningly into my eyes.

 

"You're never going to lose me. Do you hear me?" I tell him, touching our foreheads together. "Now, you need to sleep. Okay? We still have to check my views, remember?" I say, guiding him back to the room.

 

He doesn't let go of my hand even as he fell asleep and neither do I. He might find it a mistake -showing his vulnerable side- when he wakes up but I'm glad I got to see him at least I'm not blind to what's happening to him

I just watched over him while he slept, examined his features; he had a slightly crooked nose, eyes that resembled a child's, lips that looked so plump and gentle one could only imagine touching it with their own, then I think of the last two months.

 

Those two months determined our relationship. In those two months I've showed him almost everything there is to know about me, I didn't spell it out -unlike what I did with Lu Han- but I showed him. I know that he knows parts of me that Lu Han doesn't, I just wish he knows that. On the other hand, he showed me who he is; his habits, how he thinks and he had successfully changed my view of the world. He turned the world into something beautiful. He sometimes even made it look ethereal.

 

My wandering mind goes back to the present, when I hear the door crack and I see Lu Han. He comes in and just stares.

 

"Why?" I whisper, making sure that Kai won't wake up.

 

"Is what you said true?" he asks, eyes not meeting mine.

 

"What did I say?" I ask him, but I already knew what he's talking about.

 

"The part where you said Kai would never lose you." he said, finally lifting his eyes to meet mine.

 

"Every word I said was true." I answer, giving him a sad smile.

 

"What about me? Will I ever lose you?" he asks.

 

"That depends. " was all I managed to say.  Minutes later he grabs my other hand.

 

"What if I told you I want us to be more than friends?" I whip my head up to see him smiling gently. I didn't want to but my heart beats faster and I feel my cheeks warm.

"Lu Han, don't do this." I say and he just nods.

 

"I won't give up though. I want to let you know that this time, I'm not letting you go." then he walks out as if he didn't just confess his feelings.

 

I bury my face in my hands. What have I gotten myself into? I look at Jongin, who was still asleep. Dara is right, I should know my own feelings. I can't just like both of them, can I? There must be just one who I actually like. I'm putting my indecisive heart on probation.

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xoxoxo Kyon Seul