Chapter 12: Losing

*Kai's POV

Lu Han Hyung's childhood friend and Liu Ren is the same person, which is supposed to make everything easier... But it doesn't. I told myself that I'd do everything to stop my feelings into developing into something I can't control and I really did -do- try my best even if it means giving her up, in all the sense of the word.

She's Lu Han Hyung's, he's been talking about her since day one of our training days. Telling us that he'd one day introduce her to us in the condition that no one would fall for her. That time we all promised, now I'm not so sure. He'd done everything to contact her again; letters, emails, gifts, messages on weibo and Skype but she never replied, not even once.

I always thought that whoever that girl is she must have a heart as hard as diamond and as cold as the depths of the Antarctic because she never replied but now that I know who it is... I can't say that.

She's the most open, kind and lovable girl I've met. I now know why Lu Han Hyung told us to promise and I now understand why he never stopped reaching out to her. She's not perfect -she's far from it- but she's so pure to the point where everyone would want to protect her from the horrors of the world.

I sigh, I just came from her 'party' now I'm sitting in a bar stool, drowning my thoughts in alcohol and the sun hasn't even set yet.

Life just slapped me with the fact that I don't know her well-enough (again). I understand why Hyung got mad, he's right I could've killed her just because I didn't ask her enough questions. Life once again reminded me that Hyung knows almost everything about her while I know nothing.

She's not good for me, and it seems like I will never be good -enough- for her. I should just forget about trying and just give her up to Lu Han Hyung. They're perfect for each other; same mother tongue, same likes and dislikes, same culture but even as I say this, a little voice inside my head tells me otherwise.

'Who ever said that two people need to be perfect for each other in such a way that they have the same likes or dislikes? It's not about those petty things, it's about love. It's always been about love.'

I don't listen though. I just continue to imagine them together; having a life of their own, having little Chinese kids, happy. Just when I thought I was ready to give her up; her face lit up with a smile flashes in my mind, her small jolly voice whisper in my ear and her soft gentle hands hold mine.

I know I'm drunk and this is just my imagination but when I see her smile, hear her voice or feel her touch I feel my resolve of giving her up waver. How can I lose someone I haven't even tried catching yet?

She's Lu Han Hyung's and that should be enough reason for me to stay away. I should be happy for Hyung, as far as I know he's done his best for Ren even if she wasn't here and he deserves her yet I can't find myself sincerely wishing for their happiness because every time I see them together my heart drops, it knots itself until I can't take the pain anymore and I feel like I've been stabbed millions of times.

I'm lost. I'm losing. I'm losing her and I'm losing myself.

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I know, I know. I've been gone for far tooooooo long. I'm so so so so sorry, so many things caught up with me :(( >______< I hope you guys will like this chapter and I'm currently working on the remaining chapters. Please do subscribe and add me!!

xoxoxo Kyon Seul