Chapter 6-

 

Sun Hi’s POV-

 

    Friday morning I sat at the table in Seunghyun's kitchen as he rushed around to get ready for some interview he and Jiyong-oppa were doing. I glanced at the clock. 8:53 CL-unnie should be here soon. Today was my abortion appointment. Even though I should have been happy at the prospect of putting this whole thing behind me I couldn’t help but feel shameful and scared. This was probably the only huge thing I had ever kept from my older brother.

 

‘But you can’t tell him. Just hold on for a couple more hours and then you can pretend this never happened.’ I told myself.  ‘I don’t want to do this,’ I fought with myself mentally. ‘Shut up! You have to do it. Think of your future, think of Seungri and Big Bangs future, think of what everyone would think, Including your family. You have to do it! My head screamed.’

 

“Sun Hi,” TOP’s voice brought me out of my train of thoughts.

 

“Neh, oppa?” I answered smiling brightly as I tried to act like everything was normal.

 

“I wont be home until 8ish so you might want to eat out or order in.” He replied. He glanced quickly up to make sure I was listening before focusing on getting out the door. “What are you doing with CL again?”

 

“Shopping!” I sang out with a fake smile. Guilt began to pool in my stomach but I forced myself to ignore it.

 

He nodded. “Ok bye.” He opened the door to reveal outside CL raising her hand to knock. He shot her a smile and left.

 

“Hi TOP, bye TOP,” She called to him as he walked away. He waved and disappeared behind the elevators door.

 

As soon as he was gone she turned to me. “Ready to go?” I nodded slowly and grabbed my jacket.

 

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Later In The Hospital’s Parking Lot: Still Sun Hi’s POV-

 

“You know you don’t have to go through with it,” Cl said suddenly as she parked the car.

 

“I know.”

 

“There is always adoption.”

 

“Unnie, I know that. But I can’t be pregnant. I can’t do this. If I don’t go through with this I’ll regret it.” I mumbled trying to stop the tears that were slowly forming in my eyes.

 

She smiled sympathetically. “I know. I just wanted to make sure you were sure.” She gave me a quick one armed hug. “You better get going or you’ll be late.” I nodded and wiped my eyes. “It’s supposed to rain today so be sure wait inside for me to pick you up. Ok.”

 

I nodded as I stepped out of the car. “Bye.”

 

“Bye.” Cl smiled. “Sun Hi Fighting!” She exclaimed before driving away. I chuckled and walked to the entrance of the hospital. I pushed through the doors and walked to the reception. “I have an appointment.”

 

“Name?” The pleasantly plump lady behind the desk asked.

 

“Choi Sun Hi,” I replied quietly. I heard some click from her keyboard before she glanced up at me again.

 

“The doctor will see you in a couple minutes please take a seat.” She replied.

 

I nodded and silently walked over to an empty seat. I sat down and glanced at the magazines on the table in front of me. They were covered in pictures of smiling pregnant women, smiling women holding babies, and smiling women playing with children. I felt my breath catch in my throat. The baby and I would never get to do any of the things those women and children were doing. I’d never feel it kick. I’d never hold it. It would never have a name it would just be called “it”. The baby would never have a chance to experience anything. No first step. No first word. No fir-

 

“Choi Sun Hi,” A voice called breaking my train of thought. I glanced over to the nurse holding a clipboard and stood up. “The Doctor will see you now.”

 

I nodded and followed her to a large room filled with various equipment. She turned to me. “Please get changed into the robe provided and sit in the examining chair.” She handed me a blue-grey hospital gown and left closing the door behind her. I nodded and walked over to the changing area behind a curtain.

 

I quickly pulled off my shirt stuffing it into my purse before looking down to deal with the zipper and button on my jeans. My gaze froze when they reached my stomach. My mind drifted back the the ultrasound photo I had lost. Tears started to form in my eyes again. I didn’t know why I felt so upset that I was not going to have anything to remember the baby by. ‘That the point of this. To get rid of it and forget about it.’ I wiped my eyes. ‘Then why doesn’t this feel right?’

“Excuse me miss, are you almost done?” I heard the nurse call.

 

“N-neh,” I answered as I hurriedly pulled off my pants and pulled on the hospital gown. I shoved my pants into my bag and opened the curtain.

 

“Please take a seat in the examination chair.” The nurse said coldly. I nodded and sat back into the chair. I turned to the sound of a door opening.

 

“Hello Miss Choi. How are you today?” The Doctor asked.

 

“Fine,” I replied softly.

 

“Well that’s good. I’m going to give you some pain medication. It will make you drowsy.” He stated.

 

I nodded. ‘You don’t have to go through with it,’ Cl’s voice echoed in my head. I felt my throat clench and tears started to form. ‘You don’t have to go through with it.’

 

‘I don’t want to do this.’ I screamed in my head. The Doctor returned to my side with a needle.

 

“This is going to go into your shoulder,” He told me. I nodded weakly. He noticed my teary eyes. “I assure you Miss it’s safe and quick. It’ll be done before you know it and then you can return to life as you know it.”

 

I nodded again. ‘You don’t have to go through with it.’ I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. ‘I don’t want to do this.’ The ultrasound picture flashed through my mind. ‘I can’t do this. I don’t have to do this. STOP.’ I screamed inside my head. “I can’t do this!” I exclaimed standing up on the side of the chair opposite the Doctor.

 

His expression tensed. “Miss Choi please calm down. All this is is jitters. Don’t make a rash decision you’ll regret.”

 

“I’m sorry. I just.. I can’t. I’ve going to go.” I mumbled.

 

He frowned angrily. “Fine. Please get dressed and leave this hospital. We have no further business.” With that he and the nurse left shutting the door behind them.

 

I ripped off the hospital gown and pulled on my pants. I decided not to bother with my shirt and just pulled my large hoodie on. I quickly opened the door and walked out of the room quickly. I hurried down the hall and past the reception desk. I shoved open the door and burst into a run.  CL had been right it was pouring rain.  I had no clue where I was going but I ran as fast as I could.

I ran down the street dodging people and ignoring their annoyed shouts. The tears I had been trying to fight off finally began to run down my face mixing with the rain on my cheeks.

 

    ‘What will Seunghyun say? What about my parents? What about Seungri, what about Big Bang?’ I remembered that Seungri thought I was getting the abortion today. I finally released where I was going. I tried to ignore the voices in my head and calm down but i couldn’t. My tears ran thicker and my breaths got gaspy and short.

 

I turned the corner and ran to the entrance of the apartment building. I hurried into the elevator and pressed the button for Seungri’s floor. Once the doors closed I collapsed against the wall of the elevator. My silent sobs filling the elevator. ‘I’m so sorry Seungri, but I couldn’t kill my baby.’

 

With a ‘ding’ the elevator doors opened. I hurried down the hall to Big Bang’s door. My tears had slowed to a trickle. I took a deep breath and knocked slowly. I stared at the door waiting for someone to answer it.

 

The door opened to reveal Daesung’s smiling face. “Oh hey Sun Hi, how- Hey what’s the matter?” He asked with a concerned frown.

 

“I need Seungri. Where’s Seungri?” I mumbled.

 

“He’s in the livingroom. But what’s wrong? What happened?” He asked. I pushed past him and silently walked to the living room. Seungri and Taeyang were playing a car racing video game.

 

“Seungri,” I mumbled my voice cracking with the threat of new tears coming on.

 

He glanced up his eyes widened. He dropped the controller and ran over to me. Taeyang paused the game and glanced up noticing me.

 

“Sun Hi, what happened?” Taeyang asked.

 

I didn’t answer I just wrapped my arms around Seungri’s torso and buried my head in his chest to hide my fresh tears. “I need to talk to you.” I mumbled.

 

Seungri nodded rubbing my back. “Come on. Let’s go to my room.” I nodded. He lead me to his room and shut the door behind him.