“Hyung.”.

“Seunghyun hyung!”.

Seunghyun looked up to find Youngbae's worried eyes.

“You've got to eat something.” he said softly, pushing a bowl of rice towards him.

“I'm not hungry.” he shook his head, pushing the bowl back listlessly.

“What's up with you lately?” Youngbae asked concerned, scanning him with concerned eyes.

Seunghyun shrugged. It was not like he could tell him that he was experiencing the darkest 2 weeks of his life. It was the longest he had ever gone without speaking to Daesung. He had tried calling him but he didn't answer. It had surprised him how heartless Daesung was acting. He hadn't thought he had it in him. The least he could do was answer the phone and put him out of his misery. He almost managed to get angry at him, he wanted the anger to replace the aching pain that had taken up permanent residence in his chest, but then he remembered his sweet face, those bright eyes that meant no one harm and guessed that he was having just as hard a time as he himself. Not for the same reasons though, unfortunately. If that were the case, neither of them would have to go through this agony. Daesung was probably trying to figure out the least painful way of dumping him. He was probably just as afraid as he was of the possibility of losing his best friend.

He couldn't be angry at him. He could only miss him, like his lungs missed oxygen when deprived of it. The painful longing was consuming him whole and he was slowly losing his will to live. He had no energy lately, it was as if his body was shutting down. Maybe it was solar-powered and therefore couldn't function in a sunshineless world. If it was anyone else, he would have already confided in Daesung and he would have found the bright side to all of this, making him feel better after two seconds by his side. He had tried talking to imaginary Daesung, but his mind wasn't creative enough to see the positive side of losing your best friend. It only made him more depressed.

“Maybe you're coming down with the same thing Daesung has...” Youngbae wondered out loud.

“What? Daesung is sick?” Seunghyun's already twisted insides churned.

“Yeah, he's been really under the weather lately, I've never seen him like this. He's been showing up for work at the studio, but like... looking like a total zombie. Not even a smile. And I mean, it's Daesung! If he's not smiling, you know something serious is going on. The last two days Jiyong just sent him right back home, but he stubbornly shows up, every day. We've tried dragging him to the hospital, but he won't go.” Youngbae confessed, the worry in his eyes sticking needles through Seunghyun's heart. He wanted to jump up and run over to wherever Daesung was, to make it all better, but he held back. If he was having this hard a time, him showing up was not going to help. His heart slowly gave up, turning blue and sinking to be bottom of his gut. If only it would give up on beating too. It was all over.

The next two days, Seunghyun didn't even bother to get out of bed. What was the point? He was having a really hard time seeing how he was going to continue his life without Daesung. Everything reminded him of Daesung, and if it didn't remind him of him, then it was something he wanted to share with him. Daesung was an integral part of his life, the roots to his tree of happiness, and without him it was starting to wither and die. There was only darkness without light.

Seunghyun had a headache, it was pounding. Thump, thump, thump. Wait, had his brain started adding sound effects to his headaches, or... He pried his eyes open with force. It had been a long time since he had bothered opening them, his vision fuzzy. There was someone trying to knock the door down. He almost didn't care. There was only that one percent of him that was curious, but that was enough. He pulled himself up and out of bed. He was weak, barely able to walk. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember when he had last eaten.

He yanked the doorknob so the door opened, but didn't bother welcoming whomever it was. It was probably Youngbae, there to nag him again to get his life together. There was no life to piece together anymore. The continuous stream of solemn thoughts and self pity halted abruptly as his brain processed what he had just glimpsed out the corner of his eye. He stiffened, feeling his whole body come to life, his starved cells screaming for fuel as they went from zero to sixty, his nerves tingling ominously. Daesung. He would recognize that awkward silhouette anywhere. Daesung was standing outside his door.

Trying to convince his heart not to have a heart attack, he opened the door properly and sure enough, there stood Daesung. With sunken eyes and a defeated posture, he looked like the shadow of himself. He did everything to avoid meeting his eyes, which Seunghyun took as a bad omen. He gestured him to come inside, which he reluctantly did, as if there were 100 kg weights stuck to each of his feet. With every step, the knot in Seunghyun's stomach grew.

Daesung headed straight for the sofa in the living room and sat down, staring at the floor so intensely that it was as if he was trying to start a fire with his eyes alone. And he did, just not on the floor, but in Seunghyun's gut, burning the little shred of hope he had left. He had never seen him like this.

The minutes passed like hours, and they just sat there without a word. The silence in the air threatened to suffocate Seunghyun, but still he just endured it. No matter what, it was not going to be him who started the conversation that would end their life as they knew it.

“Never mind.” Daesung suddenly mumbled, jumped up and was out the door before Seunghyun could blink. Poor thing. He had come here all determined to break it off with him, and then chickened out, with that soft heart of his. Seunghyun almost chuckled. Even at his worst, he was so cute and considerate. It hurt. It hurt something awful.

With a heavy heart, so heavy that it was hard to move, he stood up. He was going to go disappear under the covers of his bed. If he stayed there long enough, maybe he would disappear for real.

“Okay, here's the deal!” Daesung came storming back in without warning, so determined that it was scary.

“I've been thinking about this over and over again, and... I just don't see how we can ignore everything that happened and just go back to being friends as if nothing has changed.” he shook his head, pacing back and forth over the living room floor. It was as Seunghyun thought. He had gone too far last time. Still, if he hadn't tried, he would have regretted it forever. But maybe regret wasn't as bad as everyone made it out to be. One could live with regret. It was much easier than living with loss. He would rather live with millions of regrets than lose a part of himself. He had been an idiot.

“I just... “ Daesung was struggling to get the words out. Seunghyun wanted to help him out, to tell him he didn't have to say it, that he knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn't. Not this time. If he wanted to end their friendship, he was going to have to do it all on his own, Seunghyun wanted no part of it.

“I'm being so unfair.” Daesung sighed and collapsed onto the sofa. “I don't want to do this to you, I really don't. I just... I can't stop thinking about it. That night.”. He fell silent.

“I've ... I've been through this a thousand times over, and I just don't think I can date you. Not like that. When I think about... you know... doing... 'stuff'... with you, to you...” Daesung shuddered with a frown on his face. Seunghyun knew all this already, but that didn't prevent it from cutting his heart into a million pieces.

“But... I can't stop thinking about it. That night in the car. How did you do that? I've never felt... you're pretty good... at ...that.” Daesung turned into a tomato. Seunghyun welcomed the but-part, and it was no lie that he was gifted in the bedroom department, but he was so confused he couldn't think straight. He couldn't make heads or tails out of what he was saying. Did he want him or not? His heart waited impatiently in his throat, beating fervently.

“So... ehm... I'd like to repeat that sometime, but that's as far as it can go... I'm prepared to make you a deal... I'm willing to let you play with me from time to time, as long as I don't have to do anything to you... no kissing, no.. you know, more advanced stuff... It's a crappy deal, I know, but it's the best I can offer.” Daesung bit his lip nervously. “All I can offer in return is that I promise not to date anyone else in the meantime, that's the best I can do. I know... you.. it's not exactly what you had in mind... so please think it over carefully before you answer, don't get yourself into something you can't handle, okay?” he added earnestly.

“Please... I don't want to hurt you...” he pouted with sad eyes, torment written all over his face.

Seunghyun was beside himself. So he hadn't been so torn up because he hadn't liked what he did to him that night, but because he had liked it. That changed everything. If there existed some form of ual attraction between them, even though he was resisting it, there was hope. This was his window in. They could just take it slow, do only what he was comfortable with, and with time he would come around. He was probably just afraid to come out of the closet, weirded out by this strange new world he was entering.

Seunghyun put his hand softly on Daesung's knee. He could feel him flinch, so he just kept it still until he relaxed a bit. Slowly, he traced the outline of his thigh with his fingers until he found the zipper of his jeans.

“Aigoo, what are you doing.” Daesung giggled nervously and closed his eyes, surrendering himself to Seunghyun.