It’s my fault. I’m not good enough… I should have seen this coming….

It’s both of our faults….

With a jolt, Ravi was shaken awake. His heart pounding in his ears, it took a long moment before he could finally take in the messy surroundings that was his room. Sitting up on the make-shift palette that lay on the floor, he waited another minute before his heart rate finally went back to normal. Afterwards, he proceeded to place his throbbing head in his hands.

I’ve been been dreaming a lot more now that the laundry machine isn’t running in my ears every hour of the night…. He looked up, gazing around the small room that had once been used as nursery space. The grim white walls were contorted with old nails and wires, and around the scattered possessions that belonged to Ravi, there were a few toys still remaining. Over in the corner sat a small bed in the shape of a race car, and suddenly the throbbing in Ravi’s chest came back.

“I need to stop drinking so much kimchi sauce during the day.” He groaned as he stood up and stretched to pop his back, quickly discarding his thoughts, just as he did after every nap. Moving over to the dusty mirror that sat on his wall, he quickly took notice of his messy bed head and groaned. He snatched the red snapback up from the dresser that sat before him, his eyes catching the stack of envelopes that had been lying beneath it. On the corner of the one lying on top was blue seal that read “Westar Energy”.

Ravi let out a groan, quickly snatching up the letters and shoving them into the back of his waistband as he slapped the cap onto his head and slipped out of his bedroom door.

The house was silent - it had been since HongBin had stormed out three days earlier. Emerging from the hallway, the barely-awake man found that the spot on the couch where JaeHwan usually inhabited was once again empty, just as it had been for the past three days. The light on the ceiling that usually lit up both the living room and dining room was now dark, just as it had been for the past three days.

Ravi’s feet hit the wooden floor, and then pulled off of it with a shlurp before hitting down again and repeating the process. He was aware of this completely, doing his best to be as quiet as possible as he moved toward the front door where his Adidas were laying out.

HakYeon would kill me if he knew that my shoes were left out. He shook his head with a small smile as he slipped his feet into his sneakers..

Just as he was about to leave through the front door, a bedroom door opened and closed, causing more noise in the house than there had been. Ravi looked back to see HakYeon coming out of Hyuk and HongBin’s room, his head turned down towards the things in his hands. HakYeon’s bright red hair was a mess, showing he hadn’t taken much care of himself that day.

As the eldest made his way into the living room, Ravi could hear the soft sounds that were escaping him. HakYeon in a breath as he went towards the couch, not even looking up or noticing that Ravi was there. Ravi noticed that HakYeon was holding a picture frame, his fingers tracing the picture slowly.

A soft sob escaped Hakyeon as he sat down. He was trying not to disrupt the quiet of the house, but he couldn’t stop himself as he stared at the picture he was holding. Pulling his feet onto the couch, HakYeon wrapped his arms around his legs, leaning his head forward to bury his eyes into his knees, more sobs escaping him.

Ravi stared and watched as the eldest wept. Half of him was plotting on how to run out of the house without causing a distraction, while the other was telling every muscle in his body to walk over and grasp the smaller man within his two arms.

His hand instinctively grabbed his hoodie, pulling it down over the letters that sat in his waistband. However, despite what he knew would be the logical decision, he gave away to what his heart wanted.

The eldest man sat on the couch, his body shaking with the sobs that he found he could not, nor wanted to stop. Out of nowhere, he felt a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders.

Looking up, he was met with a face full of the large grey sweater Ravi had worn to bed. Without thinking, he jerked away.

“Ravi?” He stared at him for a moment, but then jumped and began wiping his eyes. “I-I’m sorry for waking you up… I can go back into my room.”

As the elder began getting up, Ravi grabbed his wrist.

“Hyung, don’t.”

HakYeon continued wiping at his eyes with his free hand, then looked at the picture in his hand. “I’ll just…. I didn’t mean to wake you up…”

“Hyung, sit down, please.” Ravi sighed, letting go of HakYeon’s wrist. “Why are you crying?”

Knowing he couldn’t get away when Ravi asked this, HakYeon let out a small sigh, sitting back on the couch. He sat away from Ravi, but glanced at him for a moment. After a few moments of silence, he finally held out the picture frame he had been clutching onto.

It was simple picture, it was just of Hyuk and HongBin, both of them in their school uniforms, laughing and grinning as they looked at the camera, their arms looped around each other. HakYeon looked away before he started crying again, looking towards the ground again.

Ravi looked at the picture, knowing it only because he had seen it in the youngest boys’ room. They always had it on the desk, almost as a reminder of their friendship. He looked at HakYeon, a small sigh escaping. “HongBin?” He guessed, holding up the picture again.

HakYeon nodded, his eyes not lifting to look at Ravi or the picture.

Ravi stared at him before letting out a sigh. Carefully, he wrapped his arms around the older’s frail body and pulled him close.

“You shouldn’t worry yourself so much, Hyung.” He said. “I’m sure HongBin is safe. He’s probably just staying with a friend. He’ll cool down and he’ll be back, you’ll see.”

HakYeon only sat there, Ravi’s words neither cooling nor calming his rapidly beating heart. He knew that Ravi was doing his best to help comfort him,  but despite his efforts to try and melt into the embrace of the younger, HakYeon’s nerves were pulling him away.

He sat up and freed himself from Ravi’s arms.

“Hyung?” He questioned.

HakYeon stared back at Ravi, his emotions reeling. He opened his mouth to say something, but he found that the words he wants to say refused to come out. Instead, he just muttered an “I’m sorry” and fled the room.

Ravi stared off down the hallway, hurt but not a bit surprised at the older’s actions. After a moment he picked up the photo from the couch, kicked off his Adidas, placed them in the shoe cabinet, and then made his way down the hallway toward his room