If This is Love

I'm so done with Chanyeol.
Whoever told you that I have fallen for him is probably, no definitely, nuts! And I think I'm nearing to be one.
That dimwit said falling for me is troublesome right after he has taken a kiss from me!
The worst of all, I hate how much I love him and I just can't stand him.
How he can't stick to his words often confuse me. How he would still act so obvious about his feelings for me always shakes me. And my resolve on erasing my feelings for him gets weaker everytime I see him.

That's why I do all the things he hates the most.
That according to him, the clothes don't look good on me, I started wearing them again.
I eat his least favorite food. Normally, Chanyeol volunteers to cook for us because I once said that I like his cooking next to my mom's so he promised he'll cook often. But now, I would purposely eat another dish. I know I'm being childish. But the very least, not as childish as him. He is probably the only one among the members. Yes, Tao may seem like one, but it's because he's naive, innocent, and yeah, he's just a baby panda. But I tell you, Chanyeol is the most childish among us! That's why I'm also back to doing my habits that he finds annoying.. I even stopped using the same brand of his shampoo just to veer his scent on mine.

But all of those just keep on bouncing back to him. The sole reason of all this change in me is him. And it's never late for me to find out that my everyday is circling around Chanyeol.
Care to tell me what's the best way to move on?

Since that night in China, we haven't spoken at all. It's probably because the moon was full back then that we got a little allured to be more emotional than the usual. I can't believe I made him see me cry... or not? Cuz we're dripping due to the water fountain that time so this psychopath roommate of mine probably didn't realize it again. Yes, I did cry at that time when he thoughtlessly tried to reach me out once more. Just after a minute when I forgot to take myself away from him. I was holding his arms, I was whispering to his ears, I was looking at him straight in the eyes. I was smiling and laughing with him. Until I felt his gaze on mine, it was lonely and longing. Suddenly, he stopped smiling. It made my heart beat jump through my shirt, then I knew that I really love him. That I wish he would just pursue his feelings for me... I long for him too much that no matter how lame or coward he is for not standing up for his love for me, still, I loved it when he touched my cheek. I even made Kris hyung worry when I excused myself all of a sudden. And of course I didn't have any idea about the way back, since I just walked away without even thinking first, so I bothered Tao to fetch me that night.

Chanyeol would find excuses to talk to me but I would always find a way to avoid him. Yes, the best way is to shun him off. He looks like a wronged man wooing his lover back. Why is he acting like that now? Isn't this what he requested me to do? We were so obvious that other members also worry about us. Argh dammit, I don't want to drag them about this. He would wake up late and prepare very slowly for the day to match my daily routine so if he might probably get a chance to speak to me but I would always call Suho hyung around me to cut it right off.

Another hour.
We had extended our practice session for an hour. Two days more and we will perform live in an arts university. We lost count how many times we practiced the same dance steps over and over again, I'd be lying if I said I'm not sick of it, but we still dance like it's the first time. Our sunbaenims thought us about discipline. Suho hyung wanted us to learn alot from them and to follow their steps not because we wanted to become successful like them but because we aim to surpass them. Yes, we want to surpass them because we look up to them and respect them a lot. Aren't hoobaes like us the sweetest?

"Hyung, I think your grove has a slight mistake..." With his palm lightly rubbing the side of his neck, Kai confronted  to me hesitatingly with the lowest tone of voice he has.

This guy is still shy talking to his hyungs. I asked him before to be comfortable with me. Especially at times like this, I told him not to go easy on me just because I'm a hyung. In terms of training period, he's way my sunbae so I asked a favor from him to help me know my misses. And I'm glad he does though I know it's burdensome for his part.

"Ah, I thought so too. How should I do it? Like this?" I moved with my hips while chanting the lyrics of that part.

Kai just scratched his head. Oh, wrong again.

"Tak tak taktaktak" Kai uttered with every step he made to show me the proper way of dancing it

"Pfft. I think I know what's the problem already. It's my hips! hahaha how can I compare mine with yours?! You're way too flexible" I laughingly answered back as I jokingly spank his , have I mentioned before that spanking Jongin's feels good? Oops, just keep this secret from KaiDo shippers cuz they'll definitely butcher me! Teehee~

Kai let out a small chuckle too. To my surprise, he placed his hands on my waist to guide me. I jumped a little. I noticed Chanyeol's brows knit. I realized he's been checking on us for a while now. Perhaps he's jealous? Ooh~ so I can make him jealous without purposely doing it. Yes. I purposely did things to make him jealous at times too. Like that with Kris hyung. But it's not like I'm enjoying this... What's with the jealousy anyway? When it's him who wanted some space.

"Do you get it now hyung?" Kai asked as he lets go of me

"Yep! I'd rather bend than break." I sheepishly said his favorite motto to but he got shy instead.

"hyung..." he answered back placing his palm to cover his eyes with his cheeks having a tint of red.
Be it Sehun, Tao, or Kai, our maknae line never fails to be cute at all times.
 

Rock. Paper. Scissors.
Argh. This is why I in this game. I don't have any freakin' idea what the opponents would pick; for I, myself, can't decide on my own. Rock is the trend among us but since it's popular, others tend to hesitate picking it already. Paper is has the least impression among us too so it's also risky going for that one. Let alone choosing scissors; we tend to choose that only when we're in our menboong-state. But I can't really tell if majority of us are in that state right now. After three rounds of dance practice for our song 'MAMA'; our members decided to settle with rock-paper-scissors to determine who's going to buy drinks. Of course no one would want to be a hero and volunteer for the group. Kai already lies rested on the floor. Our maknae Sehun... let's say, you really can't expect him to do that for us. It also feels bad to let Junmyun hyung do that for us because he's already tired guarding and looking for us like we're his own children. Kyungsoo... he looks so frail... and he's already been doing a lot for us being the umma of the group. Chanyeol? I don't know about that guy... ok fine, though I don't turn to look at him anymore, I can still see him in the corner of my eyes. Right now, I think his feet feels numb from practicing our dance steps. Dancing is never easy for him.

And so going back, I picked scissors on the last second. I don't know... maybe I'm in the verge of mental breakdown... I'm not just aware.

Kai, Sehun and Chanyeol easily got on the safe side.
Uh-oh, it made me go through another round. Whatever. I went for scissors again this time... and as expected, I'm the lucky one who will be buying drinks. It's not really a hard work to buy drinks for the vending machine is just around the corner of the hallway. We're just really too lazy err, tired to get there.

On my way back, I was surprised when someone grabbed my arms and pulled me in the exit staircase. He made me had my back leaned on the wall. He rested his empty hand on the wall suggesting that I'm not allowed to run away. And I don't know what exactly is making my heart nervous... was because I was dragged all of a sudden? This must be the feeling of having nowhere to escape. Or must be because he's too close to me; I think I can felt his own (heart) beating. The touch of his hand feels very familiar... so as his lips that I'm staring at right now. How it once touched my own, I can never erase it from my thoughts. And though I'm not looking at him straight in the eyes, his gaze, it's piercing me inside. Chanyeol's.

"Please..." he finally spoke.

I faced away further from him and I think that made him frown.

"Baekhyun-ah, neun... uri... let's not be like this... it's very hard for me..."

Hard? Excuse me, am I the one making it hard for you?

"Nappeun gaeshil... you seriously get on my nerves... Are you the only one having a hard time?! Have you asked me even once about what I'm feeling? It's tiring to be with you, you know that?! To tell you the truth, I can't imagine how much I wanted to flee away from you! So can't you just coordinate with me too?! Don't go touching me when you don't have the nerve to be responsible!"

Always, in front of Chanyeol, I'm shamefully acting like how a girl would...
It's lame... immature... really out of the line to ask him to be held responsible for me. Being a damsel in distress is not really my style. You know it too, right? That I may not be the coolest but I'm the cool type. But just to him, I can't manage to keep my cool. It's frustrating.

"I... sorry... right... it's hard for you too..." Chanyeol stammers; can't manage to answer me back. He slowly slides down his hand from my arm to my hand. He sits down in front me, his head bowed down. I wanted to pat him but I reluctantly pulled back my hand.

I never lied saying how you get on my nerves for I'm having a hard time loving you. If you just asked me once, I would definitely confess that I love you. Being with you drains my resolve. I wanted to flee myself from loving you... if you go touching me again, I won't let you off, might never let you go... 

This is something ironic. I feel wrong for doing something right. The words I gave Chanyeol back then, think it actually nailed deep into him. He never went to my side since then. As if I was never part of his field of vision. He stopped giving a damn on me. What am I doing really now?
It's not like I'm regretting. For words when said, you can never take them back. I can't help myself but think about it. 

We resumed practicing. The members knew something happened again between us... the atmosphere got gloomier. But none of us spoke.

That night later. I need to borrow Kai's headphone. Or was it his sweat pants? Right, 'doesn't really make sense. Okay, then I'll just borrow D.O.'s dvds... Jeongmal,  Don't fret too much about the details. I just need to go to their room. I knocked once and I hear from the other side, Kyungsoo said I may enter. Soon as I did, my eyes sneakily scanned the place... argh, forget about Kai's headphone or Kyungsoo's dvds, for the only reason I'm here is that I wanted to check if Chanyeol is staying in this room.

"is not here." Kyungsoo casually said after he gave me a quick glimpse and re reading his comics.

"What (is not here) ?" I asked.

"...him."

"Y-yah! I'm not particularly looking for Chanyeol!" I retorted with all my might.

But Kyungsoo giggled in response. I was held back and I gulped. Crap. Kyungsoo then answers, "But I didn't say it's Chanyeol... I was pointing at Kai... Or was it really Chanyeol?" he cunningly teased which leaves me utterly speechless.

He then continued with, "Chanyeol can't sleep here for a while. Kai is finally through with Chan's noise. You also knew right? How that guy loves strumming his guitar while singing folk songs loudly and out of tune. Kai can't take it anymore and so he kicks him out."

The door behind me opened and Kai entered the room. "Ah, hyung, what's wrong?"

"Ani... I'm about to go back." I answered as I turned towards the door

"Kiss me~ out of the bearded barley~" that 4D Do Kyungsoo-ssi started singing with perfect lyrics and diction well enough for me to hear. I don't know if he's actually doing it on purpose-- since he probably knew about Chanyeol and I; or he just feels like it; but lately whenever we're together, his songs just falls into the very right timing and not to mention his choice of lyrics hits me bull's eye. I was already holding the door knob but I turned to see him for a while as I finally look at Jongin.

"Blackie.." as how I would call Jongin sometimes, and he hates it but to make up for it I immediately say, "Kyungsoo asks you to kiss him." I pointed at Kyungsoo who suddenly stopped singing and all the while, eyy~ the two of them blush in unison.

"Gwiyomi~" I jived more. And that's when Kyungsoo threw his comics at me to which I safely caught.

Next I badger Suho hyung and Sehun's room. Argh, I know I'm the one who shunned Chanyeol away but... but can you blame me for being so stubborn and inconsistent? It's complicated-- is our status anyway so what will I expect? I just want to know if he's doing fine. Afterall, he had his heart broken... by me.

Suho hyung is already asleep as he lays peacefully on his bed.
Sehun, on the other hand, turned his head up from his phone to look at me while sweetly smiling. And I think my heart goes kyuuuuuuu~ oh! I don't mean anything by that. Just that, when he smiles, he's ten times, no, thousand times cooler. And why is he like that now you ask? It's obviously because he's currently in sns with Luhan hyung-- what else what else could it be~

"What?" Our maknae asked with a poker face

"What?" I repeated with a little drama just in case he didn't hear himself talk so casually with his hyung

He didn't answer back, he just looked back at his phone and say, "Hyung, you look ugly right now."

"Neun--!"



 

I realized Chanyeol is indeed sleeping in the coach. I turned towards him for a while. And because our status is 'it's complicated', I put it as an excuse to sit on the floor next to his side. I miss watching him sleep. I picked the removed eyelash on his cheek. I started tracing his nose-bridge with my fingers. Our breathes cross... I hope we can be this close once more. Good thing, he's asleep. It's a relief he's a sleep but deep inside me, I was hoping he's faking it... so he would know I'm doing this to him. I'm really bad.

"I told you I hate sleeping alone..." I softly uttered while lightly fixing his fringe away from his face.

Sigh. This is getting depressing. Better put these thoughts to sleep. I'm about to stand up and walk away when suddenly, he grabbed caught my wrist; and with a clear full voice that doesn't sound like he just came from sleeping, he asks while his eyes remained close,

"What are you doing?"

The beat of my heart, I felt it jumped through my shirt. Then I knew I love him.

Critically a lot.

Painfully too much.

I shouldn't be startled by it anymore.

--O.0--
managed to update this teehee
i hope u had a nice day!
oh, still can't contain myself with the exo's first box...
especially the funny box...
when kai almost--nah, actually, pushed luhan down the floor and pinned him... how come it's really funny and supposed to be funny but my heart goes squealing kyaaa~ 
not really a lukai/kaihan shipper but they were pretty hot back there ^^