Chapter nineteen: Intoxicated

Why? Why it felt so right yet so difficult? Why waking up in Lu Han’s arms felt so good and pleasurable yet so crazy and inappropriate? Was it correct to depend on him this much? Was it ok to let him care of her this much? Was it ok to appreciate his morning looks shining at this time? To notice his long eye-lashes, soft cheeks and messy hair was something Hana couldn’t divert her gaze from.

She had never been this close (physical) with a boy like this before.

Hana didn’t notice it yesterday because Lu Han was the one who woke up first, but this time she was the one who woke up earlier. And both of them were hugging each other as they slept peacefully. Was it like this yesterday too? Hana was sure it was like this too.

Was it ok to be this close? Was it ok to feel like this? Feeling like crazy, happy and anxious. Hana couldn’t comprehend what her heart was telling at the moment. Or maybe she didn’t want to acknowledge it.

Hana smiled at the sight of him, peacefully sleep. She didn’t want to wake him up, but she had to. Lu Han had duties to do and she couldn’t keep him from doing them.

“Lu Han,” Hana whispered softly. “You should wake up”

He didn’t respond.

She sighed and tried once again, this time shaking his arm carefully. “Lu Han, wake up”

Hana noticed him hugged her tighter, which made her shiver and nervous. She crushed with his chest and felt him breathing against her hair.

“Shut up,” he mumbled.

Hana pouted slightly and frowned her eyebrows. She got a bit angry. How was she supposed to wake him up if he was rude with her? But soon enough she got an idea. Hana realized they were close to Lu Han’s side of the bed, which meant if she pushes him a bit, he’ll fall. But there’s a problem: she’s aware Lu Han’s firm hold is stronger than hers even if he’s still asleep. So there’s two solutions Hana thought: tickled him or hit him, hard. She preferred the first one, so she ought for it. She started tickled him on the side of his waist and it was easier because the fabric of the shirt he was using was really thin.

Lu Han let go of her and when he rolled a bit, he felt.

Hana smiled. She got closer to get a look and laughed softly with the sight. Lu Han had his eyes closed and his eyebrows were frowned. He was sitting up as he rubbed one of his eyes.

“Are you hurt?” Lu Han shook his head. He still looked half-sleep. And somehow, in Hana’s eyes, he looked completely adorable.

“I’m sorry it was the only way I thought I could wake you up”

“It’s ok,” he whispered.

“I’ll go change and make breakfast,” Hana stood and walked towards the door, “Hurry and change”

The moment Hana step outside Lu Han’s room, she rested her back against his door and laughed softly with one hand touching her chest. She bite her lower lip to stop her giggles. She felt sorry for the way she ought to wake Lu Han up, yet it was worth of it. She got able to presence his morning self and cute but lost reactions.

A week passed just like in a blink of an eye and during those seven days Hana stayed with Lu Han. Out of those days just the first three she had nightmares, small ones, but Lu Han was there, to comfort her. And to prevent the events of her forcing him to wake up they used an alarm clock, even on weekends. And that solution worked.

Without realizing Hana was growing attached to him, growing attached to sleep next to him, which calmed her way better than sleeping with her younger brother. It might be because Lu Han is older and it gave her the feeling of protection and safeness. And, as Hana’s case, Lu Han was also getting used to sleep next to her every night. Every day he arrived late, he saw Hana trying to maintain herself awake just for him, which cause his heart go nuts. He tried to arrive earlier for her. Just for her.

But sometimes he wondered if it was ok. Was it ok to let her in so easily? Was it ok to let her be so close to him with his hidden feelings for her? Was it ok to get used to see her sleeping face every morning? He didn’t know if it was ok, but it was worth of it. It was definitely worth of it.

There might come the day when he can’t handle his emotions for her anymore, but he’ll try to remain them hidden. Even if he’s that he’ll explode someday, he’ll continue what he’s doing.

-

“Lu Han,” the mentioned boy turned towards the owner’s voice who was calling him and saw Yixing coming his way with Baekhyun. “Don’t you dare to forget today’s duty, ok?”

Lu Han seemed confused at first, but then he remembered. Tonight’s “party” came upon his mind. The twelve of them were supposed to stay and host a party in the bar. It was a special one. It will gather important people, at least influential people for them, for their job and their future or current targets.

“Remember last year?” Baekhyun reminisced. And indeed, they hold this event at least once a year. “Lu Han ended so intoxicated that he started to hallucinate he was a k-pop idol!”

Lu Han threw a death glare towards Baekhyun and smirked as he remembered some of last year’s events. Or at least, what happened before he lost himself in the cups of wine. “Should I remind you what happened between Chanyeol and you?”

Baekhyun’s eyes grew wider and he started to shiver. The only one who remembered perfectly that Chanyeol and he kissed was Lu Han. He was the only witness. Not even the two of them remembered exactly how and why that happened, but they remembered it.

“What happened?” Yixing asked a bit lost in the conversation. Lu Han raised his eyebrows towards the youngest of the three and Baekhyun answered. “N-Nothing h-happened,” the latter started dragging Yixing away.

Lu Han saw the silhouettes of his friends disappeared in the hallways of the second floor of the bar. He changed his gaze towards his pocket and took his phone. And with a sigh, he started texting her.

I don’t think I’ll be able to make it early today – Lu Han

It’s ok. I’ll wait – Hana

I don’t think I’ll be even able to make it home, Hana – Lu Han

You always make it home, silly – Hana

Lu Han smiled. It was true, actually. And the reason why he always made it home was because she was there, waiting for him. Even if he came in the middle of the night or early in the morning, he always made it.

Don’t worry. Just be safe and don’t drink too much! –Hana

After the small conversation, Lu Han started helping with the preparations. But his thoughts were divided, one part was at the bar helping his friends and answering half-awake and the other was immersed on his own mind, specifically on her.

When he accepted taking care of the siblings, Lu Han wasn’t aware of how long they’ll stay with him. He simply agreed not noticing the consequences of his acts. He’ll have to see her every day for God’s know how long and repress his feelings. His feelings that he was about to let out when he felt her so near him.

It took him a lot of self-control to avoid doing something he’ll regret doing later. He had to restrain himself. He had her so close to him, yet too far. Why? Because she wasn’t his.

Lu Han knew Hana loved him, but as a friend.

And it drove him crazy because he, deep inside in his inner heart, wanted to change that fact. Lu Han wanted to try to be something else than friends with Hana. Somehow, he wanted to do it. Even if he’ll get rejected, he wanted to try.

It was just an easy question. Why wasn’t he able to do it?!

“Have you already told her?”

Lu Han lifted his gaze and took he glass in front of him. “I did”

“I bet she told you to not drink too much,” Xiumin joked. “And I bet you won’t listen to her. Who knows? Maybe you’ll end up just like last year”

Lu Han laughed, “Idiot”

“I’m willing to see this year performance. What are you planning? Sistar’s Touch My Body, 2ne1’s Come Back Home or Girl’s Day’s Darling?”

“I bet I won’t be the only one dancing or singing a girl group song,” Lu Han drank from his glass and asked for more. Xiumin took his glass and pour in it more of the beverage.

“And I’ll be there on ringside to watch it”

“Are you gonna record it?”

“Of course! It’s great material for posterity. And maybe I’ll show it to Hana if it’s suitable for her age”

Lu Han shook his head with a smirk on his lips.

“Are you ok? You are drinking too much”

“I’m definitely not fine,” Lu Han answered with a bitter smile.

Xiumin knew what he meant by his sentence and only sighed. He couldn’t advise him, but not because he wasn’t experimented in love it was because Lu Han’s situation was different. Hana was a different case. And he knew his friend was afraid. Lu Han was afraid of his own feelings. He hasn’t enjoy someone else’s company as he enjoyed being with Hana. He hasn’t feel himself except when they were together; even if it was only for a few minutes, a few minutes in which they shared a small conversation, a few minutes in where they looked at each other’s eyes and smiled.

Hana is the first girl Lu Han liked truly, even loved. Hana is the first girl who showed her true nature to him. Even if he had dated others girls before, Xiumin knew the situation with Hana was more complicated yet more pure from both sides.

Sometimes the older wondered if Hana’s innocence is an advantage, because so far it wasn’t. It had drove Lu Han crazy and it lead her to be oblivious about the latter feelings towards her. Xiumin hoped Hana realized it: Lu Han’s feelings. Because he had seen it in her eyes: the way Hana looked at Lu Han that first time they met wasn’t only gratitute and respect, but maybe also love, not a brotherly love but a small crush which can develop into something more intimate and bigger.

Xiumin hoped Hana was confused about her feelings and disguised them as admiration.

“I haven’t told you, have I?”

Xiumin lifted his gaze towards and noticed the place already crowed. People dancing and drinking, even the other ten were enjoying themselves.

“What haven’t you told me?”

“We slept together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase if you wondered”

“You two shared a bed?!” Xiumin’s eyes were widen as saucers. “You are really stupid, Lu Han”

“I know,” Lu Han sighed. “But I couldn’t help it. I wanted to be near her for once. And in that moment, she needed me”

“You need her too”

“I guess I do,” Lu Han drank from his glass once again. “I need to forget about her. At least, for tonight”

“You think you’ll be able to?” Xiumin filled his cup and noticed the lost look in his friend’s eyes.

“I need to try”

Lu Han stood up and disappeared in the crowd. Xiumin sighed as his gaze felt on the people. He wondered if it was ok to leave him at times like this. He knew he’ll end up either with a random girl or drunken, even maybe both.

Hours later the place was still crowded and the music blasting in the background. People seemed to enjoy it. Most of the people in the dance floor were already drunk, some were flirting, some were dancing and some were nowhere to be found.

“Let me help you with that”

Xiumin turned and saw Sehun cleaning some of the cups.

“What a surprise. Why aren’t you with the others having fun?”

“I already did,” Sehun answered not looking at Xiumin. “The girl already left”

The older noticed the sober look in his eyes and nodded. He knew Sehun wasn’t the type of guy who enjoy drinking like the others. Somehow they, the oldest and the youngest, were similar. Both preferred not to drink with the only difference that the older knew how to prepare those drinks and what those contain. Xiumin didn’t like to consume them often, but prefer preparing them. Weird isn’t it?

“What about the others?”

“Most are still alive,” Sehun answered with a smirk. “Kris and Kai disappeared as soon as the party began. I bet they are with some random girl. Lay, Kyungsoo and Tao left about two hours ago. Chen and Suho are checking no one dies in the process, so they are still sober. Baekhyun and Chanyeol are avoiding each other and I don’t know why, but I bet they are enjoying it as much as Kris and Kai.”

“What about Lu Han?”

“Last time I saw him he was with a girl, but if you ask me he looked pretty bad”

“What do you mean?”

“He looked already drunk and seemed to not paying attention to the girl, who was obviously throwing herself to him”

“That idiot,” Xiumin sighed. “We better look for him”

Sehun didn’t complain and followed his friend.

-

Hana flipped the page of the current book she was reading. She felt something, or rather someone, moving next to her. She turned towards her right and smiled at the sight of her sleeping brother. In her dark brown eyes, when sleeping, he looked pure.

Just by looking at Junwoo, she reminisce the last years. It scared her. She wasn’t going to deny it: she was scared of the days when her father took “care” of them.

But she wondered many things.

Hana barely saw him, most of the time they encounter each other he was drunk. But the times they spoke when he was sober, he wasn’t abusive. He was just distant, cold and strict. She remembered that not even once her father had hugged Junwoo, neither congratulated him. All the male interactions he had were from neighbors, friends or teachers.

It wasn’t like her father was ashamed of them. It wasn’t like her father didn’t like them or address them as his children. He was their father, by blood. But at the same time, he wasn’t. Because he didn’t raise them in the way he was supposed to do. He didn’t create that bond: trust. They didn’t trust each other. And Hana tried to maintain the distance between them. She remembered some of the words they shared when he was sober: “Good morning”, “I’ll leave to school now”, “Have a nice day”. This latter sentence was never respond by him and he didn’t even looked at her when she said them, which it hurt her, but latter got used to it. At least, she tried to be respectful.

What it surprised her all this years was the fact her father never run away. He never abandon them. They had food, they had clean clothes, they had a place to sleep and they had the possibilities to study and make friends. Why didn’t he leave them if he had so many resentments towards people? He had the possibilities to scape and leave them, Junwoo and Hana, behind. He could have left them vulnerable. He could have scape earlier and left them with his money debts. But he didn’t run away. Why?

Because he still cared for us. Even a little.

Hana couldn’t hate him. She couldn’t build any resentment against him. She didn’t know why, but she simply couldn’t. He was the man her mother chose. He was the person she chose to build a future. He was the person her mother loved. But his behavior changed, radically.

She recall the times her mother told her how caring his father was. She still recall the times when she saw him smile, even if those were minimal and blurry in her memories, she thought of them.

Hana knew exactly why his father changed so much. The things he did, the things he said, and all had a reason. And it was because of her decease mother. Because she did, her father transformed himself into a completely different person.

The day she realized it one of those days, when he was drunk. He shouted at her, her younger thirteen self. She felt the anger and sadness in his voice. Hana wanted to comfort him, but she didn’t had the guts to do so. She just heard all his shouts and tantrums. That day she realized his father had a resentment against Junwoo. But he didn’t hate him. He just tried to maintain his distance with him. Hana knew her father couldn’t hate Junwoo, because her mother would have been disappointed with him if so. She noticed the times when Junwoo saluted him and her father looked at him, flat with no smile, and nodded at him. At least, he acknowledged his presence.

But drunk, was another story.

Hana also told Junwoo to not hate their father. She told him he had reasons for doing what he did. That latter he’ll be able to understand.

Hana knew she couldn’t grow up with rancor in her heart. It would just made her feel heavier and guiltier. So she forgave him, long ago. But it was different. She forgave him so she could be in peace, but all his actions will remain in her memories, in her body, in her scars.

He never abused Hana ually. Never once he tried to touch her improperly. He just abused physically, leaving bloddy scars in her arms, her back and legs. It took them long to heal. Not only her bruises but her feelings too.

Hana touched her shoulder carefully. Her back was the part of her body that was most damaged. It worked as a shield for Junwoo and her. She feels ashamed of using swimwear too reveling due to her dry scars. So she always tried to use a shirt, even a tank top, to cover them up. The scars in her arms and legs, this one’s barely visible by now, she was used to them already, but the ones in her back, she wasn’t. Hana tried her beast to hide those from the world.

In that moment, Hana’s phone vibrated. It was an unknown number.

“Hello?” she answered softly.

“Hana?” It was a male voice.

“Yes. Who is it?”

“Hana, it’s me Xiumin”

In that moment, she wondered why he had call her this late.

author's note: 

I'm sorry by my long absence from updating this fic I was really busy with college :( I'll try to update more frequently because I had already planned some of the next chapters! I have something big coming up really really sooooooon! :D I love you! See you soon :)

By the way, Bangtan So Nyeon Dan (BTS or Bangtan Boys) are really life ruiners.... I've been really into them this last month and I regret nothing XD

-credit to real owners of the gif I'm using-