PART TWO OF GOING BACK TO THE MESS

“Here I am now, about to die and all I could think of is that one girl.”

“Everyone is staring.” Jiwon nudged Luhan and tilted her heads toward the small crowd of teenage girls sitting beside their table with cameras in hand.  

“It’s Luhan. Why wouldn’t they be staring?”

Jiwon roll her eyes, not so much at the comment, but the serious tone that carried out the comment. But it’s not like it wasn’t true. “It’s uncomfortable.”

“The people?”

“No. You.” 

“Why?” Luhan stopped his tracked and looked at Jiwon. He wasn’t happy to hear such a thing. Luhan was translating that comment, as I don’t want to be next to you.

“I don’t know how to response to your confidence.”

“You could tell me how good looking I am.” Luhan gave Jiwon a smile that caused the group of girls to squeal from afar.

“Why don’t you ask those girls?” Jiwon laughed when she also heard the squeals.

“I want you to tell me how handsome I am.”

“And let your ego suffocation any further? No thanks.”

“Then just one complement. What do you think is the best trait about me?”  

Jiwon gave the guy a glare but thought to answer him anyways. What wrong could it do? “Even though I say your confidence is uncomfortable. I admire it. That and your honestly. You are quite… genuine.”

Luhan was confused at the word. He has never been described as such. Sure, attractive, cute, charming, and mostly perfect. What does genuine mean? “Genuine?”

“You are just the kind of person who doesn’t seem to have second motives. Of course, the first being yourself. But you don’t pretend as though that isn’t the case. I want to be honest to myself and others like that.”

Luhan nodded and smiled brightly to himself. He’ll take that over attractive, cute charming and perfect any day.

The waiter finally came with their food and Jiwon’s mouth watered at the steak. 

Jiwon sighed out loud when the food was finally placed in front of her. “Why is it so easy to get fat?”

Luhan frowned at the comment. “I didn’t take you for the girl who cared for that sort of stuff.”

“Any girl cares. Even if it’s just a mili-fraction bit.”

“You shouldn’t.”

Jiwon rolled her eyes. “Don’t give me that drama moment and tell me you like a girl who can eat whatever because not all of us are blessed with metabolism where the steak doesn’t go right to my thighs.”

“What if I like that?”

“Well I don’t and I’m not here to please you. I like my size how and I would like to stay that way even when my metabolism catch up with me.”

Luhan laughed at the unexpected replies Jiwon had for…well, everything. 
 

“Don’t look at me like that. I feel like I’m dying.”

“Aren’t you? A week was it?”

The man chuckled in his hospital bed. Even if Kai tried so hard to deny, this man was still his father and no matter how hard he tries to act otherwise, he still cares. 

“Let’s talk.” The man said and moved his fingers weakly to the chairs next to him. “I’ll start to say I apologize.”

“For?”

“For pushing you. For when you were a kid and all you wanted to do was to sing and dance.  For the company I know you don’t want anything to do with. For everything and especially for the girl. I said a lot of things I can’t take back but I can see now that she is good for you. You didn’t bring her because you thought I would do something. I see you now without her and I see how bothered you are not having her next to you. You fidgeting and all.”

“What are you talking about?” Kai tried to act clueless. His father saw right through him, at least he saw himself. They were both the kind of people who never liked to admit to their emotions. Love has proved to be such dangerous things in their world.

“I haven’t been the best father. And at the end of the day, I don’t think me leaving you would be the end of the world. Not as much as when your grandfather passed away. But then, you had the girl with you. You were more calm to say the least.” 

“So now she’s not the worst thing I could ever do for myself?” Kai quoted bitterly at the remembrance of the horrid memory of ‘meet the parent’.

The older man sighed and sat up a bit, knowing it’s now or never to let out everything. “All that status and family bull crap I said is not true. I couldn’t care less if you picked up a homeless person and decided to wedlock. But seeing you with that girl, I saw so much of myself when I was your age and someone else I knew. I thought I know what’s best for you, that I knew what was best for me, that I did what was best for me. And approving of the girl would mean I admit to my mistakes, that I let go of a person who truly did love me when I tried so hard half my life to convince myself that love was not something I need or want.”

“We know how the Kim family hates to admit they’re wrong.” Kai tried to chuckle.

“And that’s why I’m such a terrible father. I would rather you to make the same mistake instead of admitting that I was wrong. And here I am now, about to die and all I could think of is that one girl. I don’t want that to happen to you, to look so much forward to dying because the endless scenarios of ‘what ifs’ are killing me too. What if I held on. What if I didn’t let her go? What if she was by my side right now? What if she’s been by my side all along? What if love wasn’t such a bad thing?”

“I think that too.” Kai sighed. He’s never been so far away from Jiwon before and Jiwon was all he could think of.

“And I also know what other things you may be thinking… that maybe you’re not the right man for her. That maybe she’s better off with another guy. That maybe it won’t work out in the end or maybe I’ll get hurt in the end.”

Kai shook his head and looked down. “I don’t think that. I’m numb to pain by now. All I think is what would happen if I hurt her in the end. I don’t think I have it in me to not hurt her. I’ve done so many things wrong-“

“No. You’ve made mistakes but surely for good reasons. You learn from it.”

“And I’m trying so hard to figure that out. Am I supposed to learn that I am for her or not for her? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to continue hurting her than I already have.”

“Then don’t. Don’t give me that love is letting go crap. I let mine go and I can tell you that the only reason why I did was because I was scared. That love thing it’s just an excuse. I should have been courageous enough to be selfish-“

Their conversation was interrupted with a knock and Kai stopped breathing a bit seeing who came in. 
    
“Let your brother talk with your dad for a while and you come with me to sign some paper work for the inheritance stuff. We have a lot to take care of during this time.” Lawyer Jung put his hand on Kai’s shoulder and waited for him to get up.

“Suho.” Kai didn’t know what he should do seeing his brother. Shake his hand? They haven’t’ talked for god knows how long. 

Suho reached for Kai’s hands but instead of a shake, he pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m sorry.” 

Luhan was sipping his drink with another one in hand when he finally spotted Jiwon standing in the crowd of couples. 

“You want a lock too?”

Luhan wasn’t joking. But Jiwon thought otherwise and rolled her eyes. “That’s my lock. Kai wrote it. I’ve never really seen it until now. I didn’t know he wrote something on it.”

Luhan looked to where she was pointing and frowned seeing a lock with the name Kang Jiwon and Kim Jongin written on it. The writing also said, “I know well that I’m so much like a fool. The me that became to know only you is so unfamiliar…promise me you will only see me.”

“He just quoted from some song.” Luhan knew it was weird that the words rolled with such familiarity. Luhan started singing to show her.

“He wrote that.”

“Oh.” Luhan frowned. How was he supposed to beat that? The guy literally got made famous his confession to a girl. 
 
Jiwon was upset too. She didn’t want to be reminded of all the sweet times she shared being with Kai. It would just make letting go that much harder. It hurts to even think Kai might be doing something like this with someone else right now.

When Jiwon left, Luhan frowned at the lock and continued to stare at it. If the lock was supposed symbolize an unbreakable love, Luhan had the biggest urge to break it. Sure, it would never work, but that didn’t keep Luhan from putting his hand all over trying to pull it to unlock. 

Luhan gave up when Jiwon called for him. Luhan sighed and thought to just let it go. Luhan was upset with the thought though that he’s forced to let it go, just because it wasn’t him who met Jiwon first and him who had a lock with her. To think that it would stay just because it was there first… or that maybe, it was just meant to be there.

But of course, that doesn’t prevent Luhan from giving the thing an angry kick.  

With the while baekhyun thing...whatever since I was never really baekhyun biased. But this remind me a lot of when jonghyun started dating shin se kyung (also his ideal type) and people were saying it was fake for sm to distract from the jyj scandal. And with the whole kris thing....I was thinking how bad of a time it is...unless it is actually the perfect time. Fans will be busy with the couple. I mean, I was forgetting a second of all the kris drama. people said dispatch had permission from sm to release pictures. not to mention, why open the top of the car down unless they were asking to be find out?