“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end life is stronger than death.”

– Uknown.

Not everyone gets their happy ending.

People leave.

People die.

Death is evitable. It happens to everyone, at one point or another. There is no fighting, no changing or getting past it. When, however, you are on the other side of death. When you are the one dealing with it, trying to get over it. This is a fate worse than death itself. This was the place that Lee Gikwang was currently stuck at. A place that made him felt as if he too wanted to die.

“I’m sorry, we did everything we could. I’m really sorry, Kikwang-shi ...”

It took a while for the words to really sink in. The idea was so incomprehensible that he couldn’t register them; they didn’t make any sense, it didn’t add up. His mind just couldn’t crunch up the words and gathered their true meaning. Even after Dr. Ga-Eul tried to make him understand, he was still dazed, confused and pondering the meaning behind the words.

She was gone.

Forever.

He should’ve cried. He should’ve fallen apart. He should’ve been cursing at the universe and scream his heart out. But instead he fell into a lull, an eerie silence, his mind becoming a battle zone. His friends appeared at his side when they saw Dr. Ga-Eul approached him, and they heard the news. Everyone stood still in disbelief before sobs were heard and panic broke out when both her sisters fainted on the spot, the news too much to bear for their already fragile hearts.

But Kikwang heard nothing; he remained void of any emotion as he walked away from the crowd. Away from truth that was still too hard to swallow. He kept on walking aimlessly despite Doojoon calling out to him desperately, and ended up in the toilet, in front of the mirror. He stared at his reflection and down to his hands tainted with Hyosung’s blood that was already dried up, and scrubbed it under the running tap water, and watched the blood flowed into the sink.

His lips began to tremble as the water turned crimson and he could felt his anger rose, and before he knew it, the mirror shattered together with a loud crack. He fell to the floor, stricken by a sudden onslaught of grief and just raw, unbearable pain and he knew it wasn’t from the cuts on his hands.

And there on his knees, he felt everything shift. His walls came up, defending him against the reality that just happened. Yet the wall was thinning down now; he was chipping away at it. Slowly.

Hyosung.

He could recall the horrible image of her lying on the floor, blood trickled down to her white wedding gown. There was so much blood. That was all he remembered, everything else was a blur. The next thing he remembered was the hospital. Standing outside the operation theatre, still in his wedding tux that was stained with Hyosung’s blood, he prayed desperately. Please dear God, don’t take her away from me. Not now. Please.

He called everyone but he could barely remember what he said. Didn’t even remember when they arrived, surrounding him with grim, shell-shocked expression. Hyo Ri was at his side, consoling both him and Hyo Rin, holding their hands. They were all thinking the same thing. Please let her be okay.

Kikwang was whirled back to the presence, and he grimaced at the memory. Like recoiling from something hot to the touch, he withdrew himself from the fresh memory almost as soon as he recalled it. Because everything was falling into place now, the reality was slowly sinking in, and the thought of it caused he him to shake terribly. The reality of not having Hyosung by his side anymore, forever.

He’d never truly know a world without her. He’d never existed without her. Even when they weren’t together, he knew where she was and how she was. She was the air that he breathed, the light to his darkness. But she died. She was gone, and he was stuck on the planet and in the life that he didn’t know how to live without her. He thought he was prepared for this, but it was still too surreal to be accepting the fact.

“Hyosung-ah ...” His anguish voice came out barely a whisper, and he broke down. He could feel the wall inside him broke and crumbled and the tears rushed up, and his scream came out in a surprisingly high-pitched sound he barely recognized. He curled up on the floor, sobbing violently before he felt a pair of arms wrapping around him, giving comfort. He couldn’t see who it was nor did he bother; the reality tore at him from the inside out, he could feel his sanity leaving him bit by bit.

It was snowing when they buried Hyosung two days later, and Kikwang was stoic, but everyone can see he was breaking. He stood emotionless as he bent over himself to see her one last time before they close the casket, and he ran his fingers softly on her now cold skin, looking so serene and beautiful with her eyes closed as if she was peacefully sleeping instead of ... not being with the living soul. Not breathing.

“You will always be in my heart, forever. I love you, remember that.” He whispered softly before kissing her cold lips for the longest time. He could feel his throat tightening and tears almost rushed but he it up, not wanting to show the world that he was fragile. Not today. “Sleep well, kittee.” He whispered again and with a heavy heart, he closed the lid.

He spread pink rose petals as they lowered her casket to the ground, snowflakes piled up slowly on it, and it took every being of him to not stop them from burying her. Next to him were her crying sisters, and among their crying circle of friends together with fellow celebrities giving their last respect, but he stared straight ahead and he couldn’t breakdown. He couldn’t. He just wouldn’t let himself.

His parents were on the other side of him, his mother holding his hands, rubbing her thumb over his freezing palm every now and then, comforting him when she herself was in tears. Zinger, Jieun, and Sunhwa were on the other side, clutching on the each other as their tears fall in waves, and it just kept hitting him more and more how devastated they all were.

Not a single evident of sadness displayed on Kikwang’s face when he attended the gathering later, shaking hand, accepting condolences and thanking them for coming. When everything ended, he went home to his room, and lay on his bed, and broke down, like he’d done since she left. He clutched on to the empty space next to him, where she should’ve been, and cried his heart out.

He was like a living dead for the following whole week, he didn’t change his clothes or showered or leave his bed for anything other than to use the bathroom. He barely ate nor slept. He would always dream of her when he did. The first night he woke up and reached for her, only to be cruelly hit by the realization of her not being there, and he curled back up when his already fragile heart broke a little more and cried.

His door was locked from the inside; even those who had the key to his room couldn’t get in. Dojoon, Yoseob, and practically everyone frantically knocked, speaking through the door and tried to console him saying they knew what he was going through. He knew in his heart, they do, but it still didn’t ease the raw pain one bit. They didn’t understand that he was afraid of going out into the world without her; scared that everything would look different and worse and just less, and he couldn’t face it.

And so he ignored all the pleas and shut his every senses to the outside world – he was just so broken, and there was nothing they could do to fix it for now. He couldn’t even watch the television without coming across the news about her death, and how fans and those who knew her mourn over her departure to the afterlife. The boys didn’t give up though; they would come every day despite the heavy snow storm outside and kept on coaxing him to come out of his hiding. Every BEAST activities were halted temporarily due to what happened, and he was a little thankful for that.

He surprised them when he actually opened his door, when Doojoon did his usual small talks outside his bedroom. Kikwang didn’t say a word. He just unlocked the door and let them in, and then he went back to his bed and curled up. They all gathered on every side of his bed, G.Na who tagged along, sat next to him.

“Kikwang-ah, come. Let’s fill you up with something.” She said softly, patting his hair softly. Their eyes didn’t meet. She didn’t apologize for his loss. She didn’t tell him everything would be okay. She didn’t do any of the things people had been doing for her in the days prior. He was thankful.

“I just want her back ...” He croaked, his throats dry from the lack of water intake. He looked up to her and their eyes locked, and it was the first time in days that he felt like anyone was on his side. He could feel his tears rushing up and ready to fall when she took his hand in hers, and they all sat like that for at least an hour, crying over the girl they all loved in different ways.

Another three weeks, and they were starting to get worried. Kikwang had turned to drinking soju in the evenings (thankfully only in the evenings) and they barely see him leaving his house unless he had to – visiting Hyosung’s grave. He would spend endless hours just sitting there as he held on to her gravestone, and cried, grieving over the loss of his beloved wife. Joon sympathized him, but he had enough. Someone needed to get through him, and being gentle wasn’t working.

He stepped into the house after greeting Mrs. Lee, who looked like she hadn’t been sleeping for days, and was surprised to see Kikwang sitting outside in the yard, nursing a football in his hand. It would seem normal on any other day, but this time, everything seemed eerily different. He could see how distraught his friend was; unshaved, dark circles under the sagging eyes, and he could see how much weight loss he had.

“I am sorry for what happened to Hyosung.” Joon said before either had said a word.

Kikwang’s heart tightened in his chest at the mention of Hyosung’s name. Kikwang just looked elsewhere, and Joon let out a tired sigh.

“She wouldn’t want this,” he insisted, running a hand through his messy hair. “She wouldn’t want you like this, Kikwang.”

“You don’t get to say what she would or wouldn’t want!” Kikwang shouted suddenly, locking eyes with him.

“Come on, Kikwang,” Joon pleaded, shaking his head. “I loved her too.”

“I should’ve protected her! I shouldn’t let her die! She shouldn’t have died! She should be here, with me!” Kikwang spat, tears started to brim on his eyes as his voice quivered. Breathing heavily, Kikwang covered his face as tears sprung and he fell to the floor. “I failed her ...” he gritted the words through his teeth.

Joon watched as his friend crumbled to the floor, sobbing violently, Hyosung’s name on his lips over and over again. His own tears rushed up and fell as he witnessed a heart-breaking sight of Kikwang being tranquilized by their private nurse, after he went into a state of uncontrollable delirium. He laid his friend on the bed and put a blanket over him after he helped to carry him inside, and sat on the chair watching him for a moment.

She left them way too soon; one second they were dancing joyfully celebrating their marriage, and the next thing he knew she was coughing up blood and hospitalized. And died. Everyone was in an emotional wreck after her death, he was too. Why wouldn’t he? She was once the love of his life, the one that got away ... and further away now that she was gone.

We need you, Hyosung-ah. I need you. He thought sadly when he looked her picture on the wall for the longest time, tears gathered in his throat.

He needs you.

Sitting under the big oak tree where her grave was, snow was starting to melt all around him, he rubbed his tired eyes and sniffed. Kikwang moved closer to her headstone and traced the engraved words on it.

In Loving Memory of Lee Hyosung

Here lays a beautiful and loving friend, sister, daughter and wife.

She filled every second of our life with laughter, happiness and love.

You will forever be in our heart and memory, and will always be missed.

We love you always.

The words stood out in his mind, running through his thoughts over and over as he looked at the dates, memories flashing through, blurring into one flashback after another until it hurt too much and he squeezed his eyes tight shut.

It had been two months since her departure to somewhere he couldn’t follow even if he wanted to, and he had yet to be able to cope with the loss; the empty void inside was too huge. It was still so hard to embrace the fact that she was gone forever.Slowly, he opened his eyes; as soon as his lids rose several tears escaped and slid down his cheeks, and his lips parted, releasing a strangled sob. 

“Kikwang.”

He froze. He thought he heard a voice calling out to him. Her voice. No, he must be hallucinating. Yes, he must had. But then she called his name again, and this time, he turned around and a whirlwind of emotions overtook him: joy, confusion, hope, fear.

No, it can’t be.

There she was, her white sundress billowing in the wind, a flower tucked behind her ear and she waved to him, smiling happily.

“I am going insane.” He whispered, his eyes never leaving her and he could hear her laughter as if she heard him. It sounded so real. He roughly blinked his eyes open and shut several times, hoping the visage would disappear. She was still standing there, smiling at him.

“You’re not going insane, silly. I really am here.” She giggled and walked towards him.

“N-No. No. You ... died,” he choked out, more tears washed upon his cheeks.

“Do I look that pale?” she asked as she covered her face, pretended to be horrified. Kikwang only managed to shook his head as he stayed frozen to the spot, when all he wanted was to run to her and hug her tight.

“I’m right here, with you. I’ve always been, and I never left.” She smiled again, now standing in front of him. Kikwang cried harder, and he could see tears started to brim around her beautiful eyes too. “I’m in here,” she flattened her palm above his heart softly.

“Come here, you cry baby,” she said softly, extending her arms to him and Kikwang instantly hugged her hard and he felt like he was in heaven. Her body was warm; her arms were soft as she whispered words of reassurance to him, telling him everything would be okay. The tears came uncontrollably now, causing Kikwang to shake with the force of them.

And then he did what he had always wanted to for months; he kissed her hair and breathed in her scent, imprinting it in his memory as much as he could. He kissed her forehead, eyes, nose, cheeks and finally her lips. They kissed for the longest time, and he could feel her warm tears trickled down from her eyes to his cheeks. She was crying.

He stopped crying suddenly and listened to her heartbeat – there was none. He pulled away from Hyosung and looked at her, square in the eyes. She looked back and sighed.

“I am sorry but I am ... dead.” She said as she placed her palms on his cheeks after seeing his reaction to her words and continued. “But I didn’t lie when I said I would be with you forever. I will always be with you, in your heart and memory. Always. But you have to continue living, my dear Kikwang, because there are a lot of people out there who needs you.”

“But what about me? I need you ...” he whispered sadly as he leaned into her warm palm, more fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. "I can't live a life without you, I don't know how to ..."

“Yes, Kikwang, yes you can. You're stronger than you think, I've seen your strength. It was your strength that carried me through the last of my life, and it was your love that truly made me live like I'd never done before. I believed in you, so I hope you do too.And they need you more here; they already lost me, they can’t lose you too. I know you’re hurt, but you have to live because the world has so much more to offer to you. I need you to live too, and I want you to. I want you to be the dorky and lovable Kikwang back, the one that makes everybody laugh at you silly jokes. You know that too, don’t you?” She peeked down when he bowed his head.

Kikwang nodded, more tears spilling out of his eyes. Hyosung smiled sadly. “Promise me you’ll be okay? How am I supposed to brag to those people above on how truly amazing my husband is if you don’t?” Hyosung whispered, and he nodded, smiling at her joke. Trust her to make jokes in times like this.

Hyosung smiled up at him and pulled his face closer to her, and their lips met, and Kikwang never felt more alive. They kissed passionately for the longest time because he knew she’ll disappear soon, before he pulled away and embraced her to him one last time. How he missed having her in his arms like this.

He could feel the wind started to pick up around him and Hyosung began backing away slowly, disentangling herself from him reluctantly, more tears spilling out of her eyes despite the beautiful smile on her face. “Remember, I’m always with you and I’ll be watching over you and everyone. Goodbye, my dear cry baby. I love you.” she said, and before his eyes, she slowly disappeared into thin air, and the wind calmed down again.

Kikwang smiled as he placed his hand above his beating heart, which clenched unbearably to watch her go, letting a few more tears spill and finally said, “Goodbye, kittee. I love you too.”

He didn’t know whether he had been hallucinating or not, but he didn’t care. It felt real and he finally was able to see her after months of missing her dearly. And strangely, a sense of peace engulfed him slowly, a feeling he hadn’t feel for a long time. And with that, an instance realization hit him. Other people had felt lost and gotten past it, why not him?

He breathed in deeply and let the wind blew around him softly, and for an instance, it felt like Hyosung was embracing him so he smiled again. This time it was genuine. He really felt at ease now.

Thank you, Hyosung.

I will always love you.

“Kikwang-ah, hurry up! We’ll be late!”

Doojoon’s impatient voice boomed throughout the hallway and up to his room so Kikwang quickened his pace, fumbling with the cuffs. He just couldn’t find a matching suit, and so he did what he always did. He took two different coloured tuxedos, one white and the other midnight blue, and walked up to the mirror.

“So what do you think? This smashing white one, or this mysteriously ‘you-will-fall-for-me’ blue one?”

He closed his eyes and his lips curled up after a few seconds, and he knew the decision was made. He opened up his eyes and smiled even more before putting on the white tuxedo, posing himself in front of the huge wall mirror. Not bad, Kikwang.

He placed his hand on fairly medium sized picture frame hung on the wall next to the mirror, a deep longing and affection portrayed through his eyes as he stared at the woman in the picture; Hyosung smiling radiantly with both her eyes and gums to the camera.

“Thank you for helping me! I love you.” He whispered, and placed a soft lingering kiss on the picture before plugging off the camcorder from the charger and headed down to a grumpy looking Doojoon. He looked at his watch and sure enough, they were late so they rushed off to their destination – Joon and HyunA’s wedding. Who would’ve thought, right? He smiled when he pictured his two friends, happily married to each other, just like he used to five years ago.

They stopped by Hyosung’s grave, just like every other day, saying a simple hello to her before starting their daily activities. It’s one of their ways of remembering her, to make her presence there in their life despite her no longer being there with them. The boys left first after putting flowers on her grave and said goodbyes, leaving Kikwang behind; knowing that he’d always spent more time there.

He sat cross-legged on the grass and placed his palm flat on the stone and closed his eyes for a moment, like he’d always do.

“Hello, beautiful. Joon and HyunA’s wedding is today, but I think you already knew that right? Wish you’re here to join us on this beautiful day, babe. Anyway, I better get going or Doojoonie will blow his head off. I’ll see you again tomorrow and tell you everything about the wedding, okay? I love you.” He ended the conversation with a kiss on her stone and placed a bunch of pink roses neatly next to the boys’.

He smiled when the wind started to pick up, and he closed his eyes when he felt as if someone was embracing him softly from behind, whispering “I love you more” and giggled quietly, and he knew it was Hyosung.

Just like she promised, she was always with him. Wherever he would be, she’d be there. Forever.

His lips curled up before heading off to the car and then he whispered, “And I love you most.”

Eternally.

- THE END -

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Firstly, Merry Belated Christmas to my lovely adorable friend, Misssecretlover and all also to all of you! As I promised, this is your Christmas present, so here goes! Hope you like it, since it's the only thing that I can give you. I'm sorry, but my Santa Claus won't fly to your house and drop a truck loads of awesome Christmas present for you. And I'm sorry too, since I've already booked Kikwang as my present so yeah. LOL. Merry Christmas!

I am seriously tearing up right now. This marks the end of my final chapter to A Love That Never Alter, my very first story I've ever written for the public. The emotion is just so over-whelming, I can't define how it truly means. *grabs a tissue.

Firstly, I want to thank you all of my lovely and loyal readers (yes, you silent readers too) for making this happen. I wouldn't have the courage to continue writing and be where am I today without the help of you guys for continuously giving moral supports. You have no idea how grateful I am for that! I truly am! I would like to personally thank misssecretlover, iitadakimassu, and LeeKikwang for the tremendous amount of support you guys have given me. For believing in me to be able to write this story despite all my weakness in so many different fields in writing. I thank you, and I love you all!

Okay, I felt like I'm giving an Oscar speech award. LOL. So anyway, I'll be posting the happy ending next week as I can't continue on writing today. Yes, I'm sick again and I wasn't able to squeeze out any ideas for it. I'm sorry!

And again, I hope this satisfy each and everyone of you!

I'm sorry if it isn't.

*bows.