Myungsoo’s

You call me when you’re hurting
You only disclose it to me, who you want
Should I turn back time, should I give you his heart
If you can’t have it, I’ll just live for you
No matter how much, if it’s you I’m ready to get hurt
 

I thought that woman will never break my heart like what people always said. Man always been the one that cause woman’s crying every night, and every day. I’ve seen my mom cried because of my father, I’ve seen Naeun’s mom cried because of her father. But I was wrong. I’ve thought that Naeun won’t leave me no matter what happen between us, she will always love me, but I was wrong again. I thought that I will be okay, and for the many times, I’ve always been wrong again.

“Brain cancer?”

I seen the doctor is leaving out a heavy sighed before he nods his head lightly. He’s showing me the result after the test that I did before. I didn’t know what is wrong with me, I thought I was fine and it’s just a simple headache and I will be fine the next day, but I’m wrong. I’m not okay, and this is the one that I really wish that I was correct for the first time.

“I’m sorry, Mr.Kim…but yes, brain cancer.”

“I thought it was just a simple headache? How can?”

“Mr.Kim, there’s so many symptoms that will happen to the patient with the brain cancer before. And one of them is having a headache and it’s not just a simple headache. It can’t be cured with just using the regular medicine. The pain will be come and always come to your head.” The doctor is trying to explain me everything, but I can’t think. How can I think when I’m in a deep right now? “And what I fear is true, you got a brain cancer.”

“But…I’ll be healing right?” I’m staring at him and I wish that I can be heal, I know what cancer is, it’s a deadly and can kill the person, but I’ve read that some people survived from the cancer. “It won’t kill me…right?”

The doctor is only staring with me before he’s rubbing his hands nervously. I know it can’t be good. I’ve met so many people and when they tried to lie to me, they will do something with their body. It can be rubbing their hands, staring on the floor or looking around, just to distract me to ask them any further question. But I hate it when people lying, I prefer the truth rather than white lies.

“There’s something that you know Mr.Kim, the cancer that spreads in your head is apparently already in a stadium which is danger. You’re already in stadium three, and I don’t think I can say your cancer is not dangerous. Your cancer can spreads all over your body. And I really hope that the cancer won’t get any dangerous than this.”

“So…I can’t be healed?”

“I’m not saying that it can’t be healed. But…Mr.Kim, this cancer is already spreading through your brain, and that’s why it makes your head hurts all the time, the cancer will trying to kill the good cells that’s still inside your body. I need you to get chemotherapy and hopefully it can kill the cancer.”

 Chemotherapy. Brain cancer. I’m not used with those words. I’m sick and I can die in anytime soon. I shook my head lightly. I can’t be dead. Who will look after Naeun when I’m gone? She needs me. I need her. No, I need to get heal. I really am.

“If…if I get chemotherapy…are you sure that I will be healed?”

“Mr.Kim…in many cases; chemotherapy can heal the patient and kill the cancer. There’s something that you need to know as well…” He looks at me, “Chemotherapy is not something that you should get your hope high. It can make your life longer, and kill the cancer that’s on your brain. But chemotherapy can develop another cancer inside your body since it’s using something that kills your good cells and make it broken. I know it’s really hard to believe, but chemotherapy is only your solution. Or it can kill you.”

“What is the side effect from it?” I replied him, “I’ve read that chemotherapy can make you lose your hair, but what else?”

“Losing your hair is the example that chemotherapy can kill the good cells inside your body. For your cases, it can make you lose your memory since your cancer is located on your brain. You can lose your coordinate with your own body. But it’s the worst thing that will be happening if you did chemotherapy and its 1:100.000 cases.”

Losing my memory? I don’t want to lose my memory. It’s the last thing that I can make me remember that Naeun has been mine for once in my lifetime. I don’t want to lose it. Even if I die I will keep those memories with me. I don’t want to do that.

“How long I can live?” I need to know how long I can survive this cancer without getting any treatment. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t want to get cured even if I will die tomorrow or the next day.

“3 months…but if you get chemotherapy it will make your life longer, Mr.Kim, that’s why—“

“So, if I don’t get any therapy I will be dead in three months?”

“But I’m not suggesting you to not taking any therapy—“

“I will be dead in three months, right doc?” I shouted back, “Just answer me.”

“I’m not God or someone that can take your life away like that….but the cancer can get worse if you didn’t get any treatment and three months is the shortest time, you can live longer or faster than that.”

“Can I get any medicine first?”

“But Mr.Kim, I’m not recommend you to use the medicine, the cancer needs to be treated now.”

I’m leaving out a heavy sighed. What should I do now? I’m just in the middle of the shock that my brain can’t function well. I will die if I didn’t get a therapy or I will lose my memory if I get a therapy. But I will die anyway in the end right?

“I will think about it again, and I will let you know doc.”

“But, Mr.Kim, you have to get a therapy. It can’t be postponed.”

“I know, but I will tell my family first. I need the medicine for me to reduce the pain for now.” I replied him and he can nod his head lightly. He knew that he can’t push me further than this. It’s my privilege anyway if I want to get a treatment or not.

“Alright, but you need to come here again next week; and we will get a control of your cancer.”

The doctor is writing some medicines that I need to get for myself to get the pain subsided for the time being. I nod my head lightly and walking outside the room before I’m going to the drug store and get myself the medicine. I don’t want to get into hospital and thinking that I will be dead in just three months from now. If God wants me to die tomorrow then I’ll die. I don’t have to worry about that.

I reached my apartment and getting inside when I notice that Naeun’s shoes is in there which means she’s i