Naeun’s

The reason I live is you

I don't think I can see you anymore

I think I'm really dying

The person to love me is you

Shine on me in the darkness

That long sound is keep coming as I’m staring blankly at the bed in front of me. He’s not moving, he’s not breathing, his heart stops. Is it real? He’s not even saying anything towards me, and the last thing he said he just loves me. How can he leave me like this? How?

I’m kneeling down in front of the bed, while the doctor is keep saying that he can make it, he’s still pushing Myungsoo’s chest but nothing comes out, that long sound keeps coming. Woohyun is kneeling beside me, while his hand is holding my shoulder without saying anything. I know he’s as shock as I am, in fact if he’s keep saying anything it won’t change anything.

Myungsoo’s not going to wake up from his long sleep.

“Naeun….”

I heard the doctor is saying my name. I look up and he looks….sad? I don’t know. I can even figure out anything as my heart is as broken as the glass the moment I heard that long sounds. “He’s going to be fine…right?”

“I’m sorry, I really am…I already tried my best—but the cancer is already taking his life, I really am sorry….”

The tears are keep rolling from my eyes the moment I know Myungsoo’s dead. HE CAN’T DIE!!!I’m struggling to getting up from the floor and walking through the nurse that’s already taking the entire machine that’s being attached into Myungsoo’s body. He looks pale…and he’s not breathing.

“No, no, no, no, Myungsoo!!!!!”

I’m shaking his shoulder; I’m punching his chest hard as I’m trying to waking him. HE CAN’T LEAVE ME!!! Who will take care of me without him? Who is going to be there to me whenever I need him? “Myungsoo….” I’m crying hard before I’m cupping his head in my hand, “Myungsoo….please….don’t leave me alone….please….wake up….please—“

“Naeun, please….”

I feel Woohyun is taking my hand away from Myungsoo’s body but I’m struggling hard, he can’t take me away from Myungsoo, and Myungsoo can’t leave me! He said that he will be there whenever I need him, but where is he now?? He’s leaving me without me saying anything…without me saying how much I love him back.

“NO!!” I shouted back, “Myungsoo….no, no, no, it can’t be real—He can’t dead, alright? He can’t—“

I can’t even hear anything after that beside Woohyun is screaming my name and everything around me is turning into white, and my body feels numb before I’m falling into the floor.

I’m waking up quickly as the dream is keep coming into me every night after Myungsoo’s dead. It stills lingering into my head how miserable my life is right now. I thought that he’s going to be waking up after I woke up as well, but it turns out to be I’m not dreaming. He really is leaving me.

There are too many stages that I have to be facing out right now. First stage is denial, I’m already doing that stage since yesterday, and I keep saying that Myungsoo is going to be back, but he’s not. He really is gone. Second stage is angry. I’m angry towards Myungsoo for leaving me, for not even let me saying back to him and all I can feel is just his cold hand holding my hand and saying how sorry he is.

Third stage is sadness. I’m still in this kind of stage since the moment I knew Myungsoo is sick. I’m already feeling this stage like forever, and it’s not going to be changed. And last but not least, acceptance. And for this stage, I’m not going to accept it. I’m not going to be accepted it that Myungsoo is leaving me forever. Never.

“Naeun? Honey?”

I heard a knock from the door, before I see Myungsoo’s mom is coming inside the room. Her eyes still looks puffy, and she looks tired. She’s already changed her clothes into black dress, before I see her is coming towards me. “Sweetheart, you should go down and get some breakfast first.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I know, but please, honey….eat something.” She’s caressing my hair lightly, “I know that you can’t face it…but today is Myungsoo’s funeral. He’s watching from up, and he must be want you to come as well.”

“I hate funeral.”

I really do hate funeral. Especially when it comes to someone that’s really close to me, like Myungsoo. I can’t face it. I can’t see how his body is being buried down deep inside. That means, he really is gone, and I can’t see it.

“Just change your clothes, and trying to get some breakfast, alright? Your friends are already downstairs.”

She kisses my forehead lightly before she’s leaving me alone in my bedroom. Actually, it’s Myungsoo’s bedroom. I’m coming back into my hometown as Myungsoo’s parents want him to be buried near their house so they can visit him every day. And I can’t say no. My old house is already being sold, so I slept inside his bedroom.

I look around and his bedroom still looks the same since ten years ago, the moment when both of us are going into college, and we both leaving to Seoul. It still smells like him. Tears are rolling down from my eyes again before I wipe it lightly. How can I live without him when all of my life has been around him?

I swift lightly and going into his bathroom and take a shower, before I change my attire into a black dress that Myungsoo’s mom has been prepared. I comb my hair and tied it into a bun before I place a hair pin under it. My eyes are still looks puffy as ever, I look like a walking zombie with an eye bag underneath my eyes.

“Naeun!”

I heard my name is being called when I walk downstairs, and it’s none other than Eunji. She’s keep insisting that she should come today even though she barely knew Myungsoo. She said that I need someone to accompany me. She hugs me lightly before she asks me, “How do you feel?”

“I’m fine.”

I lied. I will never be fine. She’s hugging me once more, before I’m walking to the kitchen bar, and grab myself an orange juic