Myungsoo’s

I was born and i met you

and i have loved you to death

my cold heart that has been dyed blue

even with my eyes closed, i can't feel you

“As I’m exprecting back then…it’s getting worse.”

Doctor Ahn is looking at me before he’s rubbing his head lightly. It’s been more than a month since I’ve been diagnosed with brain cancer, and I don’t want to get any treatment. Today I’m coming to the hospital once again and I’m already know without the doctor saying it that I’m getting worse. I felt really sick until I can’t get up from my bed sometimes. It’s really hard to drive my car from my office towards the apartment, that’s why I always get home late.

The pain killer that the doctor gave me only affect me a little since after a couple of hours the pain will come and I end up sleep for a long time inside my office. I know I’m getting worse than before, I know that very well.

“Mr.Kim, I know that you didn’t want to get any treatment for your cancer…but don’t you think you need at least try the treatment once and you can find the aftermath of this treatment. It can at least help you subside the pain and make your life longer.” He said, “Some patients can be cured from cancer and maybe the miracle still happen and you can healthy again.”

“It’s alright.” I replied him, I’m not the one that is trying to put my hope high, if God said that I should die this way, why should I against it? “If I’m going to die, then I’ll die.”

“Can you tell me the reason why you didn’t want to get any treatment?”

I look at him before I’m smiling lightly and shake my head. It’s not just because of Naeun but it’s just that I’m scared. I’m scared that when I put my hopes to high on something then it will turn out to the way that I didn’t want to. “Nothing. I just didn’t want to get any treatment.”

“Is it because of your girlfriend?”

“I don’t have any girlfriend.”

“Well…” He replied, “If that’s the case I won’t ask you any further. I’m just saying that the treatment can help your cancer. And I can’t give you much dose for your painkiller. I’ve already gave you too much and I don’t want you to drink it too much.”

I nod my head lightly before Doctor Ahn is writing something and give it to me. I take it and I’m about to leave the room before I turn my body again and see him, “I’ll die in two months right, doc?”

“Mr.Kim, I’m already told you that I’m not God and I can’t judge someone’s life.”

“But from your opinion as a doctor, I’ll be dying in two months right?”

He’s looking at me for a while and his face is changing. I know that I’ll be dying in two months or maybe faster than that. I just need to make sure that. I don’t want to have any burden, and maybe I can try to live my life to the fullest even if I die tomorrow.

“Yes…but it can be faster than that.”

I nod my head lightly and getting outside from his room. I go to the pharmacy and get my medicine before I put it inside my bag. The clock is already past ten because I’m going here first before I’m going towards my office. I’m already told Woohyun that I’ll come to the office late; saying that I have somewhere to go first and he said that I just should take my time. The office didn’t have any big cases anyway.

I arrived at the office and going straight to my office when I see Woohyun is already sitting on his desk with some paper on his hand. Woohyun is moving his work place to the same room as I am since he said that he will work with me from now on. Maybe he’s just scared that I’ll put him with Chorong again if he’s still in a different room from me.

“Myungsoo, finally you came.”

I smile lightly before I taking off my coat and put it on my chair. I put my bag on the top of the table as well before he’s coming towards me. He’s giving me some paper that he’s been working on, and it’s none other than the other cases that we both taking control of. “Is it Kim Junmyeon’s case?”

“Yeah, I went to his house yesterday with Chanyeol, and I found some kind of evidence that’s saying that this man didn’t do a suicide. He’s being killed by someone.”

“But, Chief said that Kim Junmyeon did a suicide since we didn’t found anything that’s leading us to murderer.”

“That’s the tricky one.” He replied me, “I found some kind of knife inside his oven. Maybe the murderer put it inside the oven and makes it look like he’s doing a suicide while he’s not. And I found some evidence as well…”

Woohyun is giving me more papers and I’m gladly taking it. I know something is already odd when Chief said that Kim Junmyeon is doing a suicide. It’s just different than it, and Woohyun is finally found it. I read what he gave me before I nod my head, “Alright. Let’s discuss it with the others.”

“Sure.”

I’m opening up my bag and taking the documents that I’m always bringing to the office. I put all of the files from the cases that I’ve been working on. Sometimes there will be a case that is similar with other case that’s making us do the investigation much faster. I’m walking towards the door first before I turn my body to call Woohyun, “Woohyun-ah, come on.”

I turn my body and see that Woohyun is holding up some papers that I don’t know what it is. He’s reading it for a while and his face is changing. He’s looking at me for a while before he’s giving me the paper, “You’re saying that you only have a headache? Then what is it?”

I take a look and I know that it’s the papers that I get from the hospital that’s saying that I had a brain cancer. I’m leaving out a heavy sighed before I put the paper back into my bag and put the documents on the top of my table. Woohyun is watching me closely before I look at him once again. I don’t want him to know what is wrong with me; I don’t want anybody to know how sick I am. I don’t need anybody’s pity.

“Brain cancer? You have a brain cancer?”

“Yes.”

“GOD DAMMIT KIM MYUNGSOO!!” Woohyun is ruffling his hair hard as he’s staring at me. This is why I don’t want people to know how sick I am. They will start with denial, angry with me because I didn’t tell them anything. I don’t want some people to look at me differently. I’m still the same, nothing changed.

“Why are you lying?” He hissed, “I thought that we are buddies and we tell each other. Even a single thing!! FCUK MYUNGSOO!!”

“I know, I’m sorry. But I just didn’t want people freaked out because I’m having a brain cancer. It’s just a brain cancer.”

“It’s just a brain cancer??!!” Woohyun is looking at me before he’s laughing, “Yeah, it’s just a damn cancer.”

Woohyun is going back to his table while I can only look at him. I don’t know what else I should do? Comfort him? I’m the one that’s sick, and I’m totally fine with it. Even if the doctor said that I’ll be dying in two months.

“Since when?”

“A month ago.” I replied him, “I just knew it when you told me to go to the hospital, it turned out that I have a brain cancer.”

“And you’re doing the treatment?” He’s looking at me while I’m not giving him the answer. He knew that I don’t do any treatment since nothing changed inside my body. I’m just getting skinnier than before. “Right?”

I shake my head before he’s laughing again. He’s laughing hard before he’s walking towards me. “Now tell me the damn reason why you didn’t get any treatment?”

“Because I will die later on Woohyun!! I’ll die anyway!! Why people keep telling me that I should get any treatment? I will die in two months, and I’m not getting any damn treatment!! Got it?”

“Two months?” He hissed once more, “God you’re something. You’re sick like this