Touchingtheskies

Story link

Review by Milo

Title [10/10]

A little bit vague, but I think that works with your entire story (for reasons I discuss under Plot).

Appearance [10/10]

I love the poster! The tag-line is incredible (gave me chills, actually, because I’m a er for words).

Description and foreword [10/10]

Everything is in order!

Characters [8/10]

You showed character through little things and even when you explicitly stated their characters (such as describing Kibum as a dweller; the contrast between Jonghyun’s “everything is clear as day” and how Kibum “doesn’t get what’s going on”) it was subtle enough to give the reader a good feel of both characters without spoon-feeding us information!

The interaction between Kibum and Jonghyun, both direct and indirect, was done so well. Your entire story revolves around this and you pulled it off nicely!

Plot [35/40]

Interesting plot that could use a bit more explanation but is perfectly suited to being a one-shot! There are things I was left wondering, details I wanted- what changed? How did they go downhill so fast? But, at the same time, I think the overall vagueness of your plot gave a very realistic feel. Sometimes, in love, things just stop going right so slowly that you don’t notice it’s breaking until it’s broken.

Grammar and spelling [6/10]

No spelling errors! Now, as for grammar, you’re missing a period after the second sentence and I have a few suggestions in way of word choice, order, and tense:

“With just a single glance at Kibum, who has his eyeliner running down his face and his dishevel and tousle hair poking out in all directions” it should be disheveled and tousled hair. Tense trips up a lot of people, don’t sweat it (but be careful in the future)! Furthermore, saying his disheveled and tousled hair is “poking out in all directions” is kind of redundant and you could rework this sentence if you so choose. It’s not that bad, so it’s all up to you.

“and other bits and pieces of trash- some from days, even weeks before- is scattered along” change is to are.
“his mood not seeming to be affected by Jonghyun’s belated arrival” seemingly unaffected would be a smoother choice (you could even cut out “his mood” and have the sentence read “Kibum states dully, seemingly unaffected by Jonghyun’s belated arrival”)!

“And none of them” instead of none you should use neither because there’s only two people in the scene!
Overall, I think you just need to Never stop working at it! Take a while to identify your strengths and weaknesses and reread your work as critically as possible; reading out loud really helps you get a sense of the flow and pacing of your story! Some people find it easier to edit their own stuff if they print it out and mark up the physical copy, so try that out, too!

Basically, you have a very strong footing on writing and you’re developing your own style, voice, so now all you have to do is polish! If this means you have to read a book on grammar or send the same story to a hundred review shops, do it! Whatever works for you will work for you.

Write, write, and re-write!