I sat in the dark on the little balcony staring out into the dark silent night. My mind was devoid of all thought. A cool refreshing breeze was blowing and I looked up into the sky. It was as dark as my world had suddenly become. The moon had hidden its face behind the thick dark clouds in the sky. It was going to rain soon. Somewhere off in the distance lightning flashed and I stared transfixed. I always loved to watch lightning ever since I was a little girl. Sometimes I would sit here and watch the odd flashes with Jonghyun oppa. Tonight, I was alone in all sense of that word. I sighed again tucking my feet into my chest. What should I do? What did I want? What was the right thing to do?

I glanced behind me and through the glass door into the bedroom I had shared with Jonghyun ever since he had asked me to move in. Tonight it just didn’t feel like it was somewhere for me to be. It was stupid to feel that way considering the fact that he had pretty asked me to never leave him. Still the feeling was there that I had no place in his life. He was sleeping silently there on the bed where we had made love so many times before. Tonight he was sleeping there without me. He had gone to bed after we had eaten a silent dinner. I didn’t know if I should sleep there anymore. I sighed again and wrapped my arms around my knees. What is the right thing to do?

Now that I had started thinking again, the thoughts began crashing down on me. I felt a stinging sensation in my eyes as my throat clogged up. My heart began aching anew in pain. Pain for Jonghyun’s grief that he had kept bottled up inside of him all these years. I blinked my eyes rapidly willing myself not to cry. I had to be strong. I had to be strong for myself and I had to be strong for Jonghyun. Still the tears spilled over and I decided to be honest with myself. I was hurting even more from his outburst that he couldn’t live without Kibum oppa. I had known it when I had first started dating it. I had known that for Jonghyun oppa, Kibum oppa would always come first. Kibum oppa was the one who held his heart. Still I had foolishly hoped that with time Jonghyun would open up to me and give me his whole heart or at least three quarters of it. I could live with the fact that a part of his heart would always belong to Kibum-sshi. But that was not the case because I wasn’t blind. All those nights he had those nightmares, he woke up calling for Kibum oppa. He shed those tears for Kibum oppa. Even though he said he loved me and didn’t want me to leave him, his whole heart belonged to Kibum oppa. If anything happens to Kibum oppa, Jonghyun would not survive that. I knew that very clear.

I thought back to the horrid story he had revealed to me. I felt a stir of anger at those sasaeng fans that had caused not just Jonghyun but SHINee and shawols so much heart aches. Their inconsiderate actions had made Kibum oppa go into a coma; a coma from which he had not awaken; a coma from which he probably would never awaken. No it had become a coma from which he would never awaken. I bowed my head and I felt my throat constrict with the sob I was trying to keep in. The one man that held the string of Jonghyun’s life and his heart would be dead soon. Some other girl would’ve probably been delighted by such a news but not me. I knew Kibum oppa’s death would shatter Jonghyun oppa. I, myself, had been a strong shawol. I’m still one of those many fans that had hoped to see SHINee back on stage performing together once again. That would never happen now that Kibum oppa’s parents were going to take him off of life support. I hugged myself tightly as the sob escaped my throat. I didn’t want any of this to happen. I would gladly exchange my life for Kibum oppa’s at the snap of a finger if it were possible. Jonghyun didn’t need me as much as he needed Kibum oppa.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands and got up from the chair. I turned to look at Jonghyun’s sleeping form barely visible in the dark. I was happy he’d managed to fall asleep. God knows he needed the rest after the day he’d had. He would be leaving tomorrow for America to say his last words to his one true love. I felt the tears running down my cheek and I turned away to stare out into the night. He’d requested that I come with him but he had also said it was my choice. I had a packed schedule tomorrow. I couldn’t just up and leave, even if I wanted to. I clutched my chest wondering if it was possible to just rip my heart out at the moment. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so much pain. What should I do? It came back to that question again. The rain had started drizzling now and I stretched my hands out to capture the drops just as I had always done ever since I was a child. It seemed as if even the heavens were weeping with me tonight. I closed my eyes as the drops hit my face due to the change in direction and the force of the wind. I shuddered slightly and I felt something warm wrap around me. I spun around in surprise. Jonghyun stood behind me with his arms around my waist. I had thought he was asleep. He was staring at me unhappily. I felt something break in my heart. God how I loved this guy. Could there not be a way where he could have Kibum oppa and me as well at the same time?

“Come to bed please.” He said his voice hoarse.

“I thought you were asleep.” I said not quite looking at him.

I felt his hand beneath his chin as he turned my face towards him. I stared into those sad eyes of his and tried to swallow the knot that had formed in my throat.

“I love you a lot you know.” He said caressing my cheeks as I felt the tears building up and then spilling over. His entire soul was bared in his eyes and his voice was as expressive as it had never been before. “I can’t live without him and I can’t be without you either. I want you both in my life. God I must be the most selfish person out there.”

He dropped his arms from around me and went to stand by the rail of the balcony. The rain was pouring down now. I was sure the heavens were crying with us. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, was what I had always been told. But hey, had I not just wish for the same thing he did? Had I not just wished he could have us both as well? He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. I shuddered as the cold wind lashed at me.

“You should go rest. You have to travel to America tomorrow.” I said hugging myself.

He turned towards and just stared at me for a long time without saying a word. I looked away first and when I looked up back he was standing in front of me. I knew what he wanted to ask. The unasked question just hung there between us.

Are you not coming with me?

He didn’t ask and I didn’t say anything else either. I looked down at my feet as the silence grew between us. How did we become like this? He lifted my face up towards his. I tried not to stare into his beautiful soulful eyes and failed. He was a good eight inches taller than me.

“Won’t...Won’t you come to bed too?” He asked in a sad voice and I bit my lips.

Despite everything I noticed his gaze dropping to lips and his thumb the corner of my lips lightly and I released my lip from my teeth. His eyes moved up back to mine and I knew he was waiting for my answer. What was the right thing to do? He would need me; of that much I was certain. I didn’t have the desire to leave him either. So where did that leave me? I stared into those sad puppy eyes and came to my answer. I needed him even more than he needed me. I could never leave him unless he flat out put me out. Since he had asked me to never leave and was standing her asking me to go to bed with him, the answer turned out to be really simple. I would stand by him no matter what, until he had no more need for me. I love him for as long as I lived even if he was to one day stop loving me. For now he loved me and wanted me to stay. He loved Kibum oppa more but I could deal with that.

He dropped his hand and turned away no doubt thinking that my silence had been a negative response. I grabbed his hand and he turned around with a hopeful look on his face. How could I have ever thought for a second that I should throw away what we had? What a fool I was. This fine kind hearted man wanted me in his life and I was gonna stay in it for as long as he would have me.

“Yes,” I said smiling slightly and he returned it. “I think I’m feeling a bit sleepy now.”

He took my hand into his and we stepped into the bedroom, closing the glass door and drawing the curtains all the while holding each other’s hand. Our hands separated only when we reached the bed and went around getting in on our own sides. When we had settled in and pulled the cover over us, Jonghyun reached out and pulled me into his arms.

“I love you.” He said staring into my eyes.

I smiled and replied, “I love you too.”

He leaned down and kissed me softly and gently but with a strong passion. We kissed like that for a while before snuggling closer as sleep claimed us. My last thought before my eyes closed was a simple wish to the heavens.

Please grant Jonghyun oppa a miracle. Give him back his Kibum. Please.

*************************************************************************************

The dark sky above was suddenly lit slightly by a single shooting star.

*************************************************************************************

That morning I helped Jonghyun oppa pack his bags and drove him to Icheon Airport, from where he would depart to New York, USA. The drive to the airport had been a quiet one. I had caught him glancing at me every now and then but he said nothing. Most of the time he just stared out the window looking so lost and sad. I'd reached over and taken his hand in mine, squeezing it to let him know that I had his back. He'd looked surprise but then a small smile had bloomed before he'd returned to staring out of the window. I couldn't go with him to see Kibum oppa for two reasons. First, I had a packed schedule that I couldn't just leave as my manager would throw a fit. Second, this was a trip he needed to make on his own. I told him as much that morning whilst helping him pack his bag. He'd looked at me for a while and then sighed heavily as he'd went back to packing his stuff. It was nice to know he wanted me to go with him.

Before his check in process at the airport he'd gathered me into a tight hug in front of all those people and kissed me gently. When the kiss had ended I'd been so red in the face at the fact that he'd just kissed me in the middle of a busy airport.

"You'll be there when I get back right?" He'd asked his voice half-afraid and half-uncertain of my answer. "You'll be there in our apartment still right?"

I'd stared into his eyes and then it'd been me who was kissing him in the middle of a busy airport and none too gently either.

"I love you Kim Jonghyun oppa." I said firmly and his eyes and face cleared a little. "And yes I'll be here when you get back."

He touched my face gently and then I sent him off with another kiss. He looked a little less sad. I didn't know what state he would be in when I saw him again. I was scared to think of that. I'd drove off to my first schedule and after being reprimanded for having dark circles I bustled from one schedule after another. The day flew by quickly and so when my phone rang I grabbed it and collapsed into a nearby chair. I still had two more schedules to go. I looked at the screen. It was Kimmy.

"Yeoboseyo." I said tiredly.

"Omo you sound so dead." She replied over the phone.

"Well it's nice to hear from you too." I said as sarcastically as I could muster.

"Rolling my eyes here." She said and I laughed a little at that.

"What's up?" I asked stretching my feet out in front of me. I had a five minutes break.

"So did you find out why Jonghyun oppa got called yesterday?" She asked and I heard some noise in the background so I assumed she was working as well.

"Yeoboseyo? You still there?" She asked and I realised that I hadn't spoken a word since her question. I sighed. "What's wrong?" She asked after she heard my sigh.

"Everything." I said quietly. All the emotions that had been kept at bay for the entire day were threatening to crash down on me. "Well, almost everything."

"You sound like you're about to cry!" She exclaimed worried. "Tell me what happened!"

"I...It's not something we can talk about over the phone." I replied and looked up just in time to see that I was being called back to work. Break was over.

"Wha-"

"Listen I have to go." I said quickly getting up from the chair. "I've got two more schedules after this soo...idk when we can meet up to talk."

"Okay fine. I have to go too." She said with a sigh and then. "WAIT! The last shoot I have is with you."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, the model you were supposed to shoot with got pulled out because of the flu and they asked me to do it." She said excitedly. Huh? My manager didn't tell me anything about that.

"I didn't know about that." I told her as the stylists unnies fixed my hair and makeup.

"Yeah so I'll see you then. Gotta run love. Bye." She said as I heard someone call her name.

"Yeah alright. See ya." I hung up the phone and signalled for my manager to come over. He did. "My last shoot is with Kimmy?"

"Oh yes I forgot to tell you. The model you were supposed to shoot with got sick or something so since Kimmy was free they booked her." He said clarifying Kimmy's earlier statement. I nodded and went off to do my thing in front of the camera.

_____________

It was now 22:00hrs and my schedule was finally over. I collapsed into a nearby chair.

"Good job everyone!" I heard someone say and I smiled slightly.

Vvvvvvvv~!

My phone was vibrating with a call and so I grabbed it quickly hoping it was Jonghyun oppa. It was.

"Yeoboseyo," I said trying to sound alive.

"Yeoboseyo love." He said. He sounded no less alive than I did. "I've reached and booked into a hotel. I feel so tired."

"Hmm..me too." I said yawning. I heard him chuckle.

"Still working?" He asked.

"Just finished. Last shoot turned out to be with Kimmy." I said and he chuckled again.

"Careful. She might drag you off to some bar or something to ease her tiredness." He teased and I laughed. Then there was only silence between us. The unspoken subject hanging there between us. Jonghyun finally spoke. "They said I could see him tomorrow."

A knot formed in my throat at the sound of his forlorn voice. I swallowed and tried to speak. "Be strong okay." I said quietly.

There was a silence again and I heard him sigh. "Yeah, I'll try." He said even more quietly.

"Get some rest." I said not knowing what else to say to him. He was silent for a while again.

"I miss you." He said so softly I felt a flutter in my tummy. "Drive safely. I'll hang up now."

"Yeah. Sleep well." I said as I saw Kimmy coming towards me. "Kimmy's coming. Bye."

"Love you."

"I love you too." I said and I saw her roll her eyes at me as she figured out that I was on the phone with Jonghyun. Before she could say anything I said quickly into the phone. "And Jonghyun..I miss you too. Bye."

I hung up and turned to her.

"Gosh you two!" She said throwing her hands up into the air.

"Ready?" I asked as I grabbed my bag. She nodded and we left for her place.

A/N - This chapter was born in the middle of the night while I struggled with my insomnia!!

So I just my lappy and began typing in word~!

After being satisfied with what I typed I knocked out~~kekek

Anyways hope you like it~! Do comment your views~!

Until next time~! Annyeong~! xoxo~!