JONGHYUN POV

I lay on my bed at the hotel with my mind swimming with all the memories I had recounted to Key today before the nurse had come to inform me that visiting time was over. Somehow I had left that hospital feeling lighter as if part of my burden had been lifted and in some ways that was true. Talking to Key about her had eased the weight I had been holding on my shoulder and the guilt in my heart ever since she and I had gotten together. She had given me so much to be thankful for. She had taken me as I was and had asked no question as she loved me unconditionally. What would have happened to me had I not met her that faithful day? I rub my hand over my chest as my heart ached at that thought and in my head I heard Key’s question to me before I had left.

You say that you love me but are you sure it’s really love and not guilt?

KIBUM POV

I turned over in my bed, my eyes dry from the hours of crying I had done after Jonghyun had left. I was stupid. I shouldn’t have asked him about her. I should have just let him hesitate and decide against telling me anything. But no...I just had to be too curious for my own good. I just had to know whether he really loved me or if his love for her was more. How stupid of me to think that maybe he really did love me more that her. How stupid of me for wanting to believe those words he had uttered. How stupid of me it was for breaking down as I did after listening to him talk about her and smile so happily like he had done. I had never seen him smile so happily as when he had been talking about her. And I knew then. The truth was as plain as day for me to see. Even if Jonghyun hyung says that he loves me and that he can’t live without me, it was all only so much true. Because anyone with eyes and ears could see that his girlfriend was really the whole world him, even if he claimed otherwise. I remembered the question I had asked Jonghyun hyung just before he left.

You say that you love me but are you sure it’s really love and not guilt?

I wonder if Jonghyun hyung has figured out what I was trying to tell him? Did he understand where I was trying to direct him? Does he get it now? The reason he claimed he had these feeling for me? Because I did. I understood it crystal clear when the deadly anger had changed to that stupid smile when he began talking about her. I understood everything. The reason he claimed he loved me was because of his own guilt. His guilt for never noticing my feelings. His guilt for having strung me along with kind words and action. His guilt for not being able to return those feelings. His guilt for not being able to protect me as he had promised. His guilt for falling in love with a girl. His guilt for wanting a life with her. His guilt for knowing that I was still in hospital. It was all just a big pile of guilt that he convinced himself, overtime, was his love for me.

I bit my lip as another tear ran out of my eyes, over my nose bridge and down my cheek. My heart lay in pieces on the ground, fluttering in the wind and unable to be pieced back together. I made my decision as the last tear fell from my eyes. It was time for me to let him go from my heart. He didn’t belong to me. His place was not with me. His heart was not with me and it was time for him to wake up and see that. I wiped at my tear and sat up to grab my ringing phone. It was Minho calling.

“Yeoboseyo.” I said into the phone in a hoarse voice.

“Did you think about what I told you?” Minho asked in a quiet voice and I looked down at my feet.

“Yes...” I answered after a while.

“And?” Minho asked and I heaved a sign as I continued to stare at my feet.

YOUR POV

The sound of my phone ringing jolted me out of my reverie that I had dropped into during a break in my photoshoot. I grabbed it instinctively and looked at the screen. It was Jonghyun. My heart leapt to my throat as my finger hovered over the screen, not touching the accept button nor the decline button. What if he was calling to tell me he was breaking up with me? What if he was calling to tell me he was choosing me? The questions threatened to drive me insane as I looked up to see I had only a few seconds more in my break. I didn’t need this right now. I was not in a situation to handle anything emotional right now but then again I really wanted to hear his voice. With a deep breath, I pressed the accept button.

“Jonghyun...” I said quietly into the phone.

“Hey babe...” His voice came over like a soothing melody. “Sorry I haven’t called...I was just trying to sort some stuff out...”

“Mmm...” I bit out because if I said more or tried to say more I would break and I couldn’t afford that right now. “I...I’m at work right now...I have to go back in a few seconds...”

“Ohh...Okay...I just wanted to hear your voice...” Jonghyun said softly and I heard the sound of something rustling. “I’m turning in for the night here. I might be back by the end of the week.”

“Okay. Sleep well.” I said trying to keep my emotions in check as the photographer beckoned for me. My break was over. “I gotta go. Bye.”

“I missed you.” Jonghyun said and I closed my eyes tightly praying that the tears don’t come.

“I missed you too.” I whispered as I fought the tears back.

“I’m coming home to you soon babe...” Jonghyun said in a hoarse voice. “So wait for me.”

“Mmmm...” was all I could manage before I hung up and put on the façade of a model for the photographer. Inside it was a whole different story. My thoughts were in turmoil. What did he mean? Had he made his decision? Had he chosen me? I wanted to grab my hair and pull on them but instead I posed and looked expertly into the camera as the photographer took the pictures.

JONGHYUN POV

I sighed as I put my phone aside and pulled the duvet over my body. I felt so much better after hearing her voice, even if it had been for a few minutes and she sounded like it pained her to talk to me.  It hurt a bit to think that I had become something that caused her pain.

“I’m coming home to you soon babe...”

I said that but would she be willing to accept me after all of this? After all the pain I’ve put her through?

“So wait for me.”

“Mmmm...”

What did that mean? Was that a ‘yes’ she was going to wait for me? Or was it a ‘No’ that she was tired of my indecisiveness? Or was it ‘we’ll see’?

“Aisshhh!!!” I rolled over in bed, pulling the pillow over my face. Why did things have to be this complicated? “Right. Cause I made them that way!”

“Jonghyun?” A voice called knocking softly on my door.

I frowned wondering who in the world was knocking on my door at this hour of the night. I got up and went to open the door to reveal Onew hyung, Minho and Taemin standing there looking solemn. What the hell was going on now?

“Uhh...” I said looking at their faces.

“Can we come in? We have something to say.” Onew hyung said looking as serious as he had ever looked.

“Uhhh..okay...” I said stepping aside and letting them enter. I wondered what it was that they needed to say that couldn’t wait. Closing the door behind Taemin, I went to take a seat on the bed where Taemin and Onew hyung sat while Minho had taken the only chair in the room. “Sooooo....”

“There’s something we need to say....” Onew hyung began and I looked at him expectantly but his gaze shifted to Minho who was looking at Taemin who was looking at his hands.

“Okay...” I said waiting for whatever bomb I knew they were no doubt about to drop on.

KIBUM POV

I turned over in bed trying to sleep after Minho had informed me that they were going to meet with Jonghyun hyung and have a long talk about deciding where things were going to head. I heaved a huge sigh as I turned over onto my back and looked up at the ceiling in the dark room. Had he made his decision yet? Minho had said Jonghyun hyung had spoken with Onew hyung about the way things were and had been trying to sort things out. Had he finally figured out what I asked him? Did Onew hyung help him understand? I picked up my phone and opened a new message to type a text to Minho only to hesitate and change my mind. He had said he would let me know how it goes after their meeting was over.

I turned over onto my side and sighed as I waited for sleep to come and claim me. The doctor had said that if I continued to recover at the current rate I go leave the hospital by the end of the week. That was something I was looking forward to. I really wanted to go back to South Korea and eat Korean food and be around my own family and friends for a while. I had missed them so much. I wondered if my friends knew that I had woken up? I doubt it because none of them called or messaged. Lee Soo-Man seongsaeng-nim had said that he wanted to keep my recovery a secret after all. Well I didn’t really care about all of that. All I wanted to be able to go and do things that will keep my mind occupied while I try to let Jonghyun hyung go from my heart because I couldn’t continue like this. I couldn’t continue loving him and hurting myself when it was clear he loved his girlfriend more than anything else in the world. It was time for him to wake and it was time for me to face the truth. The hardest thing in life to do is to face the truth but I wasn’t some wimp who shies away from reality. I was a strong independent individual and so it was time for me to stop crying over someone who was never mine to begin with and put my life back on its right path. Still even as I said that to myself, I feel asleep hoping that maybe Jonghyun hyung would pick me over her and that he really did love me.

YOUR POV

“Jonghyun called...” I said in a listless voice as Kimmy drove us home to my apartment.

“He did?” She asked turning her head around sharply to look at me. “Shouldn’t you be happy then??”

“I don’t know...” I replied just as listlessly as I turned to look out the window.

“Judging by the way you’re behaving....” Kimmy said cautiously as she stopped at the red light. “Did he.....?”

“No...” I said shaking my head. “He said he’ll be back by weekend...”

“Oh well then...” Kimmy said as the light turned green. “Why are you not happy? He’s coming back to you.”

“Is he really?” I asked unsure as I contemplated what he had said.

“What exactly did he say?” She asked as she turned the corner of the street.

“He said that he was coming home to me soon...” I recounted chewing on my lips. “And that I should wait for him.”

“So why are you not excited or something?” Kimmy asked staring at me incredulously as she drove into the underground garage. “It’s not like he broke up with you or anything.”

“No but...what if he wants to and the only reason he hasn’t is because he probably feels guilty or something?” I asked as she parked the car and turned to smack my head with her hand. “Ow! What the hell is that for?”

“How are you so smart and yet so dumb when it comes to Jonghyun oppa?” Kimmy asked glaring at me.

“Uhmm...” I said blinking at her as I rubbed the back of my head.

“Aishh how exactly are you my best friend?” Kimmy muttered glaring at me as I returned the glare. “Your man is coming home to you and tells you to wait for him and you doubt his feelings? Even a blind man could see that Jonghyun oppa is in love with you.”

“I...” I said looking down at my hands.

She just didn’t understand. Even though I had told her, she still didn’t understand the complications. Or she just simply chose to ignore it. She hadn’t been there all those nights when Jonghyun would have those nightmares calling out for ‘Key’. She didn’t know or understand how much it pained me to see Jonghyun so torn up over Key. She didn’t know how much it pained me to see him indecisive over who he loved more. She didn’t understand how much it killed me to accept that he loved someone else more than me. That I was not the only one for him like he was the only one for me. She didn’t know what it was like to love someone who loved someone else.

“What are you going to do?” Kimmy asked after a while and I turned to stare at her questioningly. “Are you gonna take him? Wait for him like he asked you to?”

“I....” I said looking out in front of me. “I love him. I love him more than anything else in this whole world...”

“Well then I guess you have your decision.” She said opening her door and getting out. I looked at her before getting out of the car as well.

“I...guess...” was all I replied. What else was there to say?

A/N: OMG I'M SO SORRY IT TAKE FOREVER FOR ME TO UPDATE THIS FIC!!

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