I watched the red soil turn brown as it started pouring. My Dad came to me and held an umbrella over my head to cover me from the rain. I just shook my head; I didn't want it. My Dad sighed and nodded.

"We'll wait for you in the car. Take as much time as you need."

I nodded and continued to stare at the ground.

I wiped the raindrops off my cheek.

It was cold.

My shuddered as I remembered that day, how your blood splattered on my face.

How I lost you.

How you been taken away from me, from all who love you.

I couldn't go to the funeral because I was lying in coma as they buried you. I wasn't able to say goodbye for the last time as I was unconscious, barely hanging on my life because of a bullet that Eunyhuk Oppa shot me with before he shot himself.

The moment I lost consciousness, I thought I was going to be seeing you again. I thought both of us were going to leave this world and be together again. But when I woke up after several operations (the bullet had punctured my lungs and broke my sternum), it was in a bright white room and I was in a nice, soft bed. I had survived.

I was mad at everything. I was mad at the doctors who saved me, at the nurses who gave me pain medication...and at you. I have to continue to live without you. I thought about of giving up and ending it, but I saw how my mom and dad cried and I remembered what you asked me before you left me.

That I would live for us.

I fall to my knees in front of your grave.

Too short.

It was all too short, stoopid.

Didn't you say, you were going to ask me to marry you?

Didn't you say, you were going to be with me forever?

My tears mixed with the rain.

“Soojung...” I heard a voice behind me.

I turned around I choked as I called her name.

“Good to see that you are okay,” She hugged and kissed me on the forehead. I started to cry on her arms.

“I'm sorry, Auntie Liu, it was my fault. It was because of me. She's gone because of me.”

“Silly child, don't blame yourself. Amber is going to be sad if she hears you talking like this. She loved you, she loved you more than her own life. She would never forgive herself if anything happened to you.”

She pushed me back gently, breaking the hug and wiped my tears.

“Live for her, Soojung. Have her in your heart while you seek for your happiness. That's what Amber would want.”

“I can't be happy without her, Auntie Liu. I just can't.”

“Give yourself time,” she kissed my forehead. She turned around to Amber's grave, it and weakly said, “Years ago, I made a decision. Amber was my decision. I tried to give her a normal life. In the end, we couldn't escape from destiny and reality. She had a short life, but she was loving, she was a happy person, she was loved and she was able to love. She loved you.”

“What 'decision', Auntie Liu?”

She just smiled to me.

“It's a long story, but it doesn't matter anymore. Amber was the one that I could save; at least, I thought I could.”

I didn't really understand what she was talking about, but I knew it had something to do with Amber's father.

“Just forget about what I said,” she opened her bag and took out a small brown book. “I think Amber would like you to have this. If you ever lose your faith, if you ever think about giving up, look inside it.”

She smiled and gave me another kiss on my forehead before she left.

I lay on my bed that night, staring at the ceiling. It always hurt when it got dark, because the loneliness crept inside my heart and I knew she wouldn't be there to hold my hand or to tell her awkward jokes anymore.

I got up and took out the brown book Auntie Liu gave me.

I smiled and cried at the same time when I saw Amber's scribbles.

“March 1999 – Mom scolded me because I shaved my eyebrows. I dunno why, I look pretty cool. I taped my clothes to the wall. Mom was speechless.”

I turned the pages, it was her diary. She hardly wrote anything, it skipped weeks, even months.

“June 2002 – I broke my leg from learning how to skateboard”

“September 2009 – Another birthday, 2 cakes as always. Mom still won't tell me about my father.

The first few pages were all writen like this until, suddenly, the pages became covered with writing.

“I saw a girl today. I could see her in spite of hundreds of people at the auditorium. Her black hair, I was even able to see her eyes. It was like she was glowing. I think I found my lighthouse”

I turned the page and there was only two words on it.

“Krystal Jung”

My tears kept flowing as I read Amber's view of the months we spent together.

On the day we first spent the night together Amber wrote, “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” – Pablo Neruda

My hand trembled as I reached the last note, it said, “I know I promised her not to rush things, but why wait if you know she's the one you want to wake up with every day for the rest of your life? I want to be a better person because of her, I want to be the one who takes after her for the rest of our lives. I'll wait a while, I'll wait until her graduation day before I ask for her hand. I'm going to ask her to marry me”

PS: I want to have two children. First a boy, so he can protect his baby sister. But if she wants more, I don't mind teehee

She draw a smiley face with a peace sign.

And that was it.

There are still so many empty pages. Pages where she should've written how she proposed to me, what our wedding was like, our children....

My tears dropped to her diary.

I took a pen and started writing on the last empty page.

“You’ll get over it….” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because "it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?” - Jeannete Winterson

I closed the book and held it in my arms.

I love you stoopid.

I love you so much and I won't stop loving you.

Never.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fin

This was so painful to read, not to mention edit. I had to watch a lot of f(x) videos to cheer me up. So sad....

Let's all congratulate ahjumma on finishing an angst story. Yea!

Thank you to the readers for waiting patiently for the update and for your support. Thank you ahjumma for letting me work with you! It was fun (your english is fine) ^o^ Bye~

If any of you are writers and are in need of an editor, let me know! Shameless advertising

I'm sorry that it took this long to finish this story. I just couldn't end it, because I just couldn't bring myself to write that Amber is dead. But I finally did it and it and I know now I'm just not meant to write angst. 

Thank you all for subcribing, for reading this story, now I'm gonna sulk at the corner because I hate sad endings  I'm such a weird author

It worth a try though, now I never going to write angst ever again because it A LOT! *brick self*

Thank you for my sidekick @Fxluvforever for putting up with my crazy english, I hope I didn't make you take bottles for aspirin XD

79alexandreia roll in slow motion out of Aff---

Bye guys