The mood is beginning to feel a little awkward. The boys are starting to talk to each other again Taeyang, Seungri and Dae, Taeyang still laughing showing a beautiful smile...TOP looks like he is about to kill someone from the annoyance.. I don’t think he likes us and the idea of Chris having a crush on him!

Ji is still talking to that shrimp… that’s what I named her since I don’t know her name and I could careless…looking at her she is beautiful! Dressed very impressively she is like more of GD’s style very designer oriented! Great! Just great! She is holding his hand again and he does not seem to mind... She looks like she can be an extension to him...if he moves so does she... like a limb! I was so jealous who is this shrimp! Finally I cleared my throat! “uhummph”

Geez!  They all turned and the room went quiet again…what was I expecting! they are getting ready for their show  we are just annoying little girls in their eyes who wondered in their domain and disrupted and on top of that got a picture and now what… we need to disappear.

The thought of that made me feel so empty inside...I don’t want to disappear just like this... I want... I want… what do I want? What was I expecting? Maybe I hyped my hopes to high! Falling now feels horrible I don’t think I’ll be able to handle the pain from the fall…I don’t want to fall from my high!

“Well, thank you so much”, said Honey she bows in front of the boys they are impressed! We follow suit and bow as well! I start feeling teary! OH! No! Not right now! I can’t cry this will show my weak side I can’t do it! I’ve been holding it in this whole time I can hold it a little more! I feel more anxious then the first time we came in, right now I don’t want to go and the thought is making me hurt so bad!

All the girls start wiping their tears! The boys came over at that moment and gave us pats on the back for support... I did not budge, I will not cry...I will not cry! I feel my self getting lost I looked at Ji ..he was looking at me but this time his gaze seemed a little different then the first time I saw him… no longer he had conviction in his eyes more like resignation! What is that...? I looked over at the shrimp still hanging of his arm she gave me the most wicked grin I have ever seen...My heart dropped! I have lost... She has won!

Was this ever even a contest? She has always been with him and will always be!  We had this mini conversation just by looking at each other no words need to be spoken…how crazy! I looked back at Ji this time I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes and I felt the warmness dripping down my cheek. I wish this moment lasted forever. I love you! But you will never know…

“I want to thank you”, I croaked... Sounding like a frog got stuck in my throat... I cleared it... I still sound horrible “Thank you Mr. Kwon Ji-Yong! For letting us take the picture with you guys! I appreciate it and I’m very happy we were able to meet you!” and that was that... that’s it... That’s the best I can do... tears now started to flow...Geez I swore I would not cry. I’m such a cry baby! Now he knows this but then again my letter should have explained to him how I feel right now! He read it! He told me himself and that’s all that matter right now, god has given me more then I expected! All I wanted was for him to get my letter and read it! I never expected I would actually meet him. This is enough Mika...Now I’m trying to convince myself great! I think my shrink said talking to my self like a third person is normal? Isn’t it normal?

He was looking at me but I cannot tell what’s in his gaze, I bow... This image will permanently be engraved in my memory all these feeling and emotions, thank you for making them come alive in me again... Thank you for giving me this chance…I convey all that through my eyes, if like speaking to him. He cocked his head to the side once again like trying to understand what I was feeling. The shrimp tugged his hand and he turned around... and gave me his back… I whimpered... this is my beautiful nightmare I always see his back, I never reach him…

 This is makes it painfully clear that I never will… he did not approach me not even once...I wished he would come near and encourage me as the other boys did but he did not move and inch he stayed his distance back turned ..He ran his hand through his beautiful hair and slammed the makeup counter! This startled me and snapped me back to reality! We have to go! I grabbed honeys hand she was crying and so where the other girls the boys were so sweet they hugged us.

I know I should be happy but I feel as though something is missing Ji did not approach …Honey knew I didn’t want to say good bye. We were now holding hands tighter! We knew it was over our dreams came true for a couple minutes the dream is over... We said our final goodbyes and walked out of the room!

 As we were walking out I allowed my self one last look at him! I got one last glimpse at my Adonis, he still had his back towards the door... he sat down on his chair folded his hands in front of him and laid his beautiful head to rest… what is wrong with him?  What did the shrimp say to him? She pat his back and as a sign of victory she stuck he tongue at me as the door closed... that little witch! I would never see her again; we didn’t even talk but if we ever do...…well that will never happen it’s now water under the bridge…

We were walking down the hall... “Yo, back up dancers to my backup dancers! Did you guys get what you needed?”, “excuse me”, wiping the tears of my face I turned to see Lori Ann standing in front of us again… “Did you get what you needed!” enunciating every word..geez!! we’re  not dumb! You just caught me off guard… “Yes, mam! Some what, thank you for not dropping us earlier”!  “No problem ladies I saw your performance you guys were awesome! are you professional dancers? If not you should consider it!”...Wow! She actually said that?... “No ma’am we are not  ...we just love BIGBANG and do it for them  ...this is just an activity for us”, “well to bad, I would love to have you on my crew... take care ladies glad I was able to help”! With that she gave us a bow and walked away…wow! So amazing! first BIGBANG and then Lori Ann I really doubt my day can get  any better…and then I realized actually it can.. Because, now we can go and enjoy the concert. It will be bitter sweet after what happened I will never look at the boys the same... and I will never look at my Ji the same…..