a/n: because it's KYUHYUN's birthday... i'm being not my usual self today...

so here's the first part of this chapter...

the second part will be posted later (or maybe next time) because i just love being a prick and keeping you guys on wondering what will happen next...

I sneaked inside Lia’s door quietly, careful not to make the slightest sound. I had talked to auntie, and I believe auntie had mentioned it to uncle too (I sure hope she did or I am facing a major pain), about what I was planning for the day but Kris-hyung had visited late last night and now I have to be careful not to wake him (he’s on the next room) or I would be facing the dragon (two dragons, father and son, oh joy!). I know hyung loves me and all, but if I was him and I caught someone creeping into my sister’s room at six in the morning, I would raise hell too.

Everything was going to plan, if Lia’s even and undisturbed breathing was to be  judged. She was still sleeping peacefully.

I look at her and for a moment it’s like she had never meet the accident at all. She’s wearing her favorite pajama, the cloud-printed one I gave her almost three years ago. She told me it’s her favorite but I never expected for her to still fit into it, much less to still have it in her closet and wear it. I feel guilty. She gives importance to these small things but I ignore her most of the times.

She shifted and mumbles a bit in her sleep. Even if I froze for a moment, scared to wake her, I couldn’t help but to marvel at how innocent-looking she was while asleep, far from the hard-headed kid I grew up with. From the stubborn and enduring kid who put up with me all these years.

I can’t believe I ignored her for all this time. How can someone miss that pointy little nose, that quirky eyebrows that easily matches up with Kris-hyung when she’s angry, the pair of beautiful eyes that stays attractive even when they are closed, the small pair of lips with the upper part slightly fuller? The face that gives off innocence even though the wisdom behind those brown eyes were palpable?

Had I really been so foolish to miss all those things? Or had I been fooling myself and pretended that I was not seeing it in the first place?

Her furrowed brows startled me out of my reverie and I shook my head. If I’m right with what I still remember, she would be waking up in about half an hour. She’s always been an early bird, which annoy me to hell because she would throw rocks or whatnot on my bedroom window to wake me up.

Our bedrooms were facing each other, separated by the fence and bushes below, and there’s a tree between our houses that never seemed to have reached its full height since it stopped growing at the height of our roofs. It used to be my way to go her room without telling anyone. It shocked her the first time I did it, it annoyed her the rest of the time I did, much to my enjoyment.

I gathered the things I went to collect from her room in the first place, a part of my plan. I brought them to her workroom on the first floor, greeting uncle who had was nursing a steaming cup of coffee on the dining table as he read the morning paper.

“You’re here rather early, Kai.” uncle said, glancing at me from his reading. “What are you doing with Lia’s guitar?”

“I’m taking it to her workroom. I’m going to have her hostage there for the rest of the day, okay?” I answered as I fumbled with the door of Lia’s workroom, the thick book of music sheets getting on my way.

I heard uncle reply with a reluctant ‘okay’ and auntie’s laugh as I went into the room. I hurriedly prepared it and opened the windows, taking in the familiar sight. It’s clean, if you ignored the scattered sheets on the table and drawers, and even the stuffed-up cabinets.

“Okay, time to take you back on time, Lia. It’s time to remember me.” I said.

“You…” Lia said as she stared at me.

There’s something in her eyes that I don’t quite get and for some crazy second I thought she remembers everything. That was before she let out a familiar giggle and pointed at a certain picture on the album she was browsing through.

“You look hideous in this picture!” she laughed.

I went over to look and snatched the album from her. “Yah! How did you even get this picture taken?! What the heck!” I haven’t even known she had that picture! I look like I had been electrocuted or something, my hair was standing in every direction and my face was contorted to a look I only have one word to describe: AWFUL.

“How would I know! I didn’t even know who I was after waking up in the hospital!” she defended with a laugh.

I cringed somehow at how casually she talks about the accident and her current condition. I sighed and gave her the album. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I just want to help you.”

“I know.” she smiled at me. “Thank you, Kai. You and Sehun are helping me a lot! I hope you don’t get tired.” there was something in her eyes that I know I have seen before. A kind of hope for something nearly impossible to happen.

Wait… I think it’s the same look she gave me all these years…

“You have been waiting for me for so long… I think it’s time I do the favor.” I answered.

She frowned. “What? What do you mean I have been waiting? Had you gone somewhere? Sehun never mentioned that.” she wondered.

“Does Sehun even mentioned me at all when you two are out?” I couldn’t help but ask bitterly. I know what Sehun wanted. But it’s so unfair. I am her best friend! Even if she had an unrequited love towards me and I kept hurting her for not noticing, it’s still not fair that she’s allowed to not remember me at all!

“Yah, Sehun does tell me things about you. Well, sometimes. He said you’re not really around since we were in high school.” she shrugged and went to thumb the stack of music sheets and scrap papers on one end of her working table. “Sehunnie said that you were busy being a playboy that you forget to hang out with us.”

Her voice was light and teasing but it still managed to hit me where it hurts. Have I really been a jerk that bad?

There was a few minutes of silence between us, she continues to read the things she wrote before the accident, and I looked at the albums of pictures I didn’t even know she had. Most of them were pictures of the times we were together back in high school. God, just how much did I miss while I was being a lovesick puppy?

“Hey, Kai-ssi…” she said softly, turning pages and slightly frowning…

“What?” for the second time in hours, my heart race at the thought that she remembers.

She turned and looked down at me since I was seated on the floor. There was something in her eyes, as if she was confused. “Sehunnie never mentioned anyone who…”

“Who what?” I prodded, letting the familiar wincey feeling inside me at how familiar she was to Sehun and not me pass.

“Did I… before the accident… was I with… someone?” she asked, her cheeks turning a little pink. “I mean… was I…. with… well, do… or did I have a boyfriend?” she stuttered and blushed a little harder.

I couldn’t help but to gush at her cuteness, just inside my head of course! “Well, not that I know of. As far as I know, you didn’t have a boyfriend.” I answered. I glared at her teasingly, “Unless you were having relationships behind my back!”

Of course I know it’s silly since she was supposed to be in love with me all these years. But I can’t help but to ask. What if she had tried to forget me and looked at somebody else?

I know I can’t blame her but somehow, now that I am aware of her feelings, I don’t want her to look at anyone else. Is it selfishness? Pride? I don’t really know. It’s just that even thinking of her liking someone else somehow… makes me… angry.

“How would I know!?” she pouted. “Amnesia, remember?”

I grinned after a few seconds and pinched her cheeks, making her slap my hand away and pout even harder. “You always have that excuse! I will use that sometime when I get in trouble!” I laughed.

“Yah! Stop fooling around, Kai! I thought you were going to help me remember my life! I think I should call Sehun! He might answer my question and not make fun of me!” she whined.

“I was joking! Sorry.” I smiled and ruffled her hair a bit. I couldn’t help but be happy when she didn’t push me away. “Why do you want to know anyway?”

She looked back at the music sheets she was reading earlier. “Well… you said that I wrote all these lyrics and things, right?” she asked and I hummed my agreement. “Well, you see, even if I don’t really remember everything, somehow to an extent, I know that for someone to be able to write something, it is necessary to feel the things. Words are the expression of our feelings after all…” she trailed.

“Amnesia or not, when you are talking about music, you’re still weird.” I chuckled and she threw an eraser at me. I held my hand up in surrender and motioned for her to continue.

“These music… it makes me feel like… I’ve been waiting… for something…” she wondered, reading the words silently.

My heart gives a somersault. I don’t really understand why.

She writes music for me. About me.

“Or I’ve been waiting for someone.” she continued, looking at me in the eyes. “Do you have any idea who it was?”

 
The following weeks after my first attempt of making Lia remember went by in a blur. She was either with me or Sehun, mostly with Sehun. I hate this feeling in my gut, this feeling that Sehun was taking her away from me. I know I shouldn’t but it feels like Sehun is purposely letting Lia remember everything but me.

After that time in her workroom, I never went back there again with her. A part of me, no matter how much I want her to remember me, doesn’t want for her to remember how I had hurt her. Because of this, I let Sehun take her to our hang out places without me.

But I could only endure so much. I am still her best friend.

“Hey! Where have you been hiding yourself for the past couple of weeks, Kai?” a gentle voice called.
I thought I was dreaming but when I turned it was really her. Lia had come to my house, to my dance room, the one Sehun had given a ridiculous name that she always finds funny even after the years she’d been hanging out here.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, berating myself inside when it came out a little bit accusatory. “I mean, didn’t you have a plan with Sehun?”

She smiled sheepishly, keeping her hand on the doorknob, “He’s got some family affairs to attend to so we didn’t have any plans. I know it sounds kind of mean, but I decided to hang out with you…” the look on her face fell as she stared at the floor, “Well, I guess you are busy too. How silly of me to think I could just march here and disturb you!” she gave me am apologetic smile. “I’m going!”

“No!” I blurted out rather loudly, making her turn back, surprised. “I…well, I was just going over some old routines. We cold hang out if you want to.” this is my chance to spend time with her again. I should grab it!

The smile that lighted up her face melted the tiredness out of my aching muscles. “I’ll go get us some drinks and snacks.” I said and left her wandering around the dance room.

When I came back, she was watching some old videos of our outings when we were younger. I used to keep videos of dance routines and practices when we were younger, some practice materials. And because I wasn’t the neatest boy on earth, the practice videos and family videos, and just some stupid videos we took goofing around, were mixed and stacked together.

“You and Sehun look like walking sticks! You are all so skinny!” she laughed. “And you were really dark even back then!” she added.

“Well, what can I say? I was, is, and always will be, tall, dark, and handsome.” I replied cheekily.

“Not to mention, full of yourself.” she smirked playfully before watching the video again. “I hope I can remember things faster. I hate this feeling. It’s like I’m watching someone else’s life instead of mine.” she muttered.

I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt the urge to ask her a certain question that kept bugging me since after the accident.

“If I tell you that you were lonely most of he time back then, would you still want to remember?” I asked.

She turned to me with a confused expression on her pretty face (did I just think she was pretty? Honestly?).

“What do you mean? Why was I lonely?” she asked. “Sehun haven’t mentioned something about that.”

“I was just saying…” I tried to shrugged it off so she won’t ask further, but the typical quizzical Lia cannot be subdued even by amnesia.

“The songs I’ve written…somehow they were sad.” she mused as she turned completely towards me. “What happened before the accident? Why was I sad?”

Because of me.

Should I tell her the truth? But we’re okay now. She had open her heart to me again. If I tell her what happened back then, even if I was unaware of it too, it would change everything.

Am I ready to lose her?

“Yah, Kai! Earth to Kai!” she waved a hand in front of my face.

I grinned at her sheepishly, hoping that it would cover the anxiety I was feeling. “It’s not about you per se, but I just want to ask you.” I started. “What if you were so lonely and wanting to forget in the first place? And then you have amnesia. Would you still try to remember why you were feeling lonely? It would just result to you being more hurt, right? So why bother? I just want to ask you that.” I hope she won’t see through the white lie.

She thought about it for a minute. “Well, if you are in my shoes right now, knowing nothing about your own life, even the slightest of memory can make change. Even if it is the worst memory and you would have wanted to forget, right now it’s like a piece of yourself you are getting back. Bad memory or not, it’s still a part of you.” she nodded thoughtfully, “It may sound weird but even if I remember the worst thing that had happened to me before, I will actually be happy.”

I just looked at her face, the sadness in her eyes even behind the thoughtful façade. “If I tell you that I have been bad to you for a very long time before the accident… would you be mad at me?” I asked. There’s an anxious feeling inside my gut that make me want to run out of the room and hide myself in the nearest rock.
She smiled at me. “Well, if you put it that way, I guess… I won’t.” she replied honestly.

How can she be so naïve and kind like this?

“Why?” I asked.

“Because… the way you are treating me now, it doesn’t look like you are someone I would actually be mad at. You are a good person, Kai. I can see it in your eyes.”

“What if I am just acting like this because I feel guilty? For hurting you?” I can’t believe these words are getting out of my mouth right now. Do I really just feel guilty?

She thought about it, her brows wiggling weirdly, just like always when she’s thinking hard about something.
“Well?” I prodded, actually dying to hear the answer but dreading it as well.

She finally look backed at me. “Even if you just feel guilty, I think I can’t keep being mad at you. Feeling guilty, it only means that you care. I am grateful for that. Thankful that you didn’t leave me hanging without my memories.” she smiled sincerely, “Thank you, Kai. For being always beside me.”

No. She shouldn’t be thankful. She shouldn’t because when she remember, the heartache I caused would come back with the memories. If I continue to help her remember, it would end up hurting her. At least because of me.
I don’t want to hurt her again. I think I understand Sehun now.

But still, even if I want to be selfish and keep this Lia by my side, like starting over again with her, I know that she has the right to remember her life. For once, I would try my hardest to not be a selfish jerk for a best friend.

Even if by the end of it, I would lose her.

“So… we still have the rest of day… with nothing to do…” she drawled as she pushed a button to stop the video.

“I’m bored…” she looked at me expectantly. “Do you know something to help me remember and get me out of boredom at the same time?”

I grinned, a thought coming into my head. “Yeah. I think I got something.”
 

a/n: i was posting it earlier but the connection was being a y little prick nad i couldn't post the thing...

but anyways, as i've siad, this is the first part...

is it so bad of me for guilt tripping Kai?

...the second part is essentially Lia and Kai's little date fun somewhere and Sehun's revelation

please anticipate...