Present…
“Everything’s packed? You have your coats when it’s cold? Your medicine? You know you’re allergic to some medicines, don’t forget that. And did you pack your toiletries? God knows how you always forget to pack those! Jiatian, check your things again!”
“Mom…” I groaned, not really annoyed but her constant nagging about me packing is making my heart heavy. My flight is leaving in a couple of hours and mom is being the mother hen she always was, checking up on me before I leave my apartment.
“Don’t ‘mom’ me, Li Jiatian!” mom scolded over the phone, I can practically hear the tears in her voice. “Now do as you’re told.”
I sighed. “Mom, everything’s been triple-checked. It’s fine.”
“Okay, if you say so.” Mom said. There was a shuffling on her side of the line, “What time is your flight leaving? You better start making your way to the airport before you get caught on traffic. The ice is really bad today so the cabs are slower than usual.”
“Alright, mom. See you there. Is dad coming?”
“Yes. He’s preparing the car. Have you contacted your brother?”
“Yeah. He wanted to give me a lift but he had to attend a meeting early this morning. But he’d see me off. Well, I’ll see you at the airport.”  I said before hanging up.
Soon I was loading my luggage into the taxi to take me to the airport. It’s a good 30 minutes ride on a normal day, and seeing that the streets were frozen with ice today, I guess mom was right about the cars taking extra slow and careful.
As the taxi driver made our way to the airport, I busied myself with texting my friends and making my goodbyes. Of course the ones closest to me already knew, and Sehun even decided to skip a few hours of school to see me off. Luhan knew and even bought me a scarf to use when I’m in California, I laughed at him and told him it’s warmer there than most of America. Even so, I accepted the gift wholeheartedly. Yixing also gave me a parting gift, an mp3 player with our favorite songs. Yixing used to teach me how to dance when he’s free, and since he’s one of Kris’ closest friends, I kind of view him as another older brother.
Thinking about it, I guess I’ve already said good bye to everyone except… Jongin.
Jongin, no matter how much heartache he gave me, is still my best friend, nothing will ever change that.
But I don’t think I can talk to him, not in the meantime anyways. Maybe we an sit and talk about things eventually, but I think we still both need time. And when the time comes, we’ll just laugh it off and call it as one of our crazier phases in life.
So I’ll settle with a text message. At least I didn’t cut him for good by not saying goodbye when I leave.

Hey, Kim Jongin! I know we haven’t been in good terms lately and I’m sorry I’m just telling you this now… but I’m leaving. I got accepted to Berkeley! I finally get to have one of my dreams come true… I guess God makes up for things he doesn’t give you…
So, see you when I see you, Jonginnie… I’ll miss you.

Before I can chicken out, I sent the message, half hoping that he won’t be able to read it until my flight has already lifted. Half of me hopes he’d come running to catch my flight before it leaves and ask me to stay… or even if he does not, at least he’d say goodbye. That would be enough. Seeing him before I leave is enough.
“How long before we reach the airport, ahujssi?” I asked the driver who answered that we’ll be there in a few minutes. I thanked him and felt my phone vibrate.
I knew it’s silly but I kind of hoped it was Jongin calling me. But it wasn’t. It’s Sehun.
“Hello, Thehun!” I greeted, hoping the disappointment in my voice would be mistaken as just sadness for leaving home behind.
“Lia! I think I’ll be late for few minutes! The roads are so slick I think it’ll take me twice the time it usually take me the to get there. Where are you?” Sehun asked, there was some shuffling on the his side of the line and Sehun had to yell ‘Hyung! Put on your seatbelts!’
“I’m on my way there. Be careful on driving, Sehun.” I said, “Who’s with you?”
“Luhan-hyung is with me. And so is Lay-hyung. Their car froze over night.” he explained.
“And why aren’t they driving? Sehun, you’ve only gotten your license a few weeks ago! Why didn’t you let the older ones drive?!” I reprimanded.
“I got my license three and a half months ago, Lia.” I could hear the deadpan expression on Sehun’s face over the phone. “Besides, no one gets to drive this baby but me, the great Oh Sehun!” Sehun replied smugly. “Hyung! I said settle down before you break a window or something!” he yelled and I could hear Luhan’s laughter on the other side of the line.
I’ll miss this, everything. Sehun’s warm personality beneath deadpan and snarky sarcasm; he’d always be my baby brother no matter what he says, Luhan’s evilness beneath the angelic face, Yixing the troublemaker behind the gentle exterior, Minseok-oppa’s cuteness even though he’s older than Kris… and practically everything and everyone whom I’ve got call as part of my family ever since we moved here, even that squishy alpaca, Ace.
I can’t believe I’m really leaving. In the years that I’ve lived here, moving again never passed my mind.
“Have you… have you called Jongin?” Sehun asked, I can hear the hesitance in his voice.
“I haven’t… I don’t think I can.” I replied honestly. Sehun always knew me very well that even if I say a few words, he can understand immediately.
“Should I call him?” he asked.
“It’s fine… I sent him a message. If he’s going to see me off, then he’ll be there. If he doesn’t then…” I shrugged, feeling silly because Sehun won’t see the gesture.
“Oh… alright. It’s your decision.”
I was about to ask Seuhn if I could talk to Luhan and Yixing but then I saw this truck coming our way.
It’s not like how you see it on movies. When I saw the truck coming our way, I thought at first, ‘What the heck is that driver doing; driving so fast on this ice?’, but when it suddenly dawned on me that the truck driver wasn’t in control and he was going to crash unto us, I suddenly felt numb. Everything’s out of control and there’s nothing I could do. That scared me, freezing me in place faster than any ice could. I couldn’t move my body and just kept staring at the oncoming truck.
They say that if you’re about to die, your life passes before your eyes. They lie. The only thing that would occupy your mind is how you still want to live and spend the rest of your life with the ones you love… or even just spend another second to tell them you love them. In those few seconds as your death approaches, you wish that time would stop so you can spend another second alive to tell the people you love how much you care, how much you want to live for them.
The truck smashed unto the taxi I was in and everything went black. The last thing I heard after the deafening sound of crash coupled with a scream, was the frantic yelling coming from my phone.
I feel warm and cold at the same time. Everything hurts and I don’t know how I even got conscious again. I just want the pain to end and it seems like that every time I close my eyes, the pain goes away. Maybe… if I sleep… then it won’t hurt anymore.
So I did.
And everything is black.

A few weeks ago…
“Lia, you’ve got mail.” Amber nudged me with a socked foot.
“Five more minutes, Ambs.” I murmured, trying to get back to my dreams of sweet melon cakes and iced tea, and sandy white beaches and hot summer sun.
It’s in the middle of January and everything was practically freezing outside my blanket.
Amber pushed me again and slipped inside my blanket. “You’ve got mail and I think you should open it immediately.” she whispered, tickling my ear.
“You open my letters anyways…” I mumbled, still trying to  go back to sleep. It’s Sunday, dang it! And Yixing said he’s shopping for supplies the whole day so we can’t go practicing again…, well him trying to correct my hopeless dancing. “Just open it for me, Amber.”
“I don’t want to. It’s way too personal!” Amber insisted, this time tickling my ear with my own hair. I know I shouldn’t have told her that my most ticklish spot is my ears.
“You once opened my journal, Amber. How much personal could this letter get?” I groaned. Forget about my dream, I just want my sleep.
“It’s the letter from Berkeley.” Amber whispered again.
Forget about sleep. “Really?” I bolted into a sitting position. I probably have eye boogers but I don’t care. I have been waiting for the letter for ages… alright, for a few weeks, really. It’ll probably just a rejection letter but I still can’t help but to be hopeful. “Gimme, gimme gimme!!!”
Amber laughed at me and reached for the letter. My hands were trembling but I managed to open it after a few minutes, I’m actually quite surprised that I didn’t rip it in two.
“What does it say? What does it say?” Amber asked eagerly. She chose to sit in front of me so I can read the letter on my own giving me my ‘personal’ space (trust me, most of the time Amber doesn’t know what those words mean). “So? Are you going to just stare at the letter or what?” she asked impatiently.
“I… I got in.” I said. I probably said it so quietly because Amber kept asking me ‘what?’. Well, I just feel like… I don’t know! How do you feel when you get to be accepted on one of the most prestigious music schools on Earth? I mean, I’m in a good university right now, I’m with the best friends anyone could ask for, my family supports the career path I’ve taken… but knowing that I get to be accepted on the school that I was dreaming of attending since I was in middle school is just… wow!
“Hey, Earth to Lia! What did it say? Did they reject you? It’s okay! You an always apply again next year after you improve! And you improve a lot! Maybe they just can’t see it now!” Amber babbled on before I  hugged her, tackling her into the bed.
“I got in! I got in! Oh, Amber! They accepted me! I’ll get to attend Berkeley this coming semester!” I yelled as I squished amber into my sheets.
“They did?” Amber was just as ecstatic as me.
We messed up my usually pristine bed as we danced around in happiness.
“Should we tell the others? Your parents? Oh! Kris-hyung lives near, right? We can go visit him or something! Come on, come on! This means we get to celebrate!” Amber pulled me from the bed.
“Let me get to shower first!” I grinned. “And don’t tell anyone yet! I didn’t even tell my parents that I applied! Kris would probably kill me for not telling him about it, you know how hostile he can be! Even Jongin and Sehun are clueless!”
“Am I  the only one who knows you applied?” Amber asked. I nodded. “Tell me that you were not planning on leaving everyone behind without telling them anything.”
“I wasn’t!” I laughed. “It was just because I am not sure I’d get accepted that I chose not to tell anyone. Why bother keeping people’s hopes up, right?”
“So does that mean that if I hadn’t accidentally read the application letter, you wouldn’t have told me too?” Amber asked.
“Technically, yeah. So I guess you should thank your absence of ‘keeping off other’s personal things‘ virtue!” I teased and made a mad dash for the bathroom, Amber trailing behind with a fist.
Amber would have gone with me to go tell Kris about the news but her sister called so she couldn’t make it. No big deal. Kris’ apartment is just a bus ride away and since it’s Sunday, he’s probably sleeping half of the day off. I went to buy some lunch since he’s probably starving when he wakes up.
Sure enough, when I get to Kris’ apartment, he was still dead to the world. I guess I’m lucky that I’m one of the only few people in the world who knows Kris’ door code, the others being my parents, so I slipped in with no problem.
I fixed the food before waking him up, a feat in itself seeing that Kris likes to hibernate during Sundays. A good quarter an hour later, I managed to get him to eat lunch.
“So, why are you here?” Kris asked as he wolf down his food. “And you couldn’t even cook me something while you were at it. Why bother coming over when you wont even cook for your own brother?”
“Go get yourself a wife so someone will cook for you!” I retorted. “But seeing that you can’t even get yourself a girlfriend, I guess a wife will have to wait. Just like home cooked meals.” I teased.
“Shut up, Li Jiatian.” Kris snarled at me, I just laugh it off as usual. It’s his way of affection. “Why are you here, really? It’s Sunday. Weren’t you supposed to be with Lay? Or Sehun? Or Jongin?”
“If you don’t want me coming over, just say so!” I pouted. “Here I am actually thinking you’d be excited for me since I got accepted to Berkeley. I guess you’re not, so I’ll just leave.” I said nonchalantly and left for the door.
Three…
Two…
One.
“You get accepted where!?” Kris had his back on the door before I could even reached it, damn those long legs.
I grinned. “You heard me.” I waved the acceptance letter on his face. He took and read it. “It arrived this morning. If all goes well, I can go there this spring. They said that if I needed time to fix my papers then they can hold the spot for me until the summer semester starts.”
Kris silently read the letter, face serious as always. I’m kind of afraid he wouldn’t let me go since he gets overprotective sometimes. He even wanted me to live with him, which I outrightly refused. No sane girl would want to live with her model-faced brother with a dragon's attitude.
“You didn’t even tell me you applied.” he finally said.
“I didn’t even tell mom and dad.” I said. “Well, I told no one, really. I don’t want to get that much pity when I don’t make it.” I shrugged.
“But you did!” Kris smiled. He went to hug me. “You did great, mei mei. Congratulations.”
I hugged him back. He never calls me mei mei anymore.
“Come home with me next weekend? We’ll tell mom and dad. It’s been long since we visited anyways.” I said.
“Sure.” he agreed. “Ah… mom would be heartbroken to let her baby go. She’d probably freak out. I mean, sending you to your apartment was a pain. Talk about sending you abroad!”
“Should I stay then? I mean, I’m in a good university already. If mom tells me to stay, then I would. Music is still music no matter where you are.”
“Mom is clingy, but she can never bear to stop you from attending the school of your dreams.”
“But she gets lonely easily too.”
“She’ll get over it. It’s not as if you’re going to stay there and not come back!”
I agreed with Kris. I will eventually come back, so it’s just ‘see you later’ and not ‘goodbye’.
I left Kris’ apartment after that, thinking of visiting Sehun first and then Jongin since Sehun’s apartment was on the way to Jongin’s. Sehun, the hyperactive kid, was not in his apartment. I have no idea where he was since he won’t answer his phone too. So I decided to go hang out with Jongin instead.
Jongin, even though he’s as skinny as a pole in my opinion, is a really heavy eater. And just like Kris, if I wake him up and don’t bring him food, he’s going to have my head. So I decided to order some lunch for him from one of his favorite places. I feel like being generous today since my day actually started good.
When I entered the restaurant, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It’s Jongin! Well, I guess I‘m being lucky!
I made my way towards him, he was sitting on one of the tables for too, talking to a girl. Yet another date. Through the past couple of years, I learned to ignore the dates he’s always having. I know that not one means anything, they’re just flings. Though it hurt to see him go out with other girls, the thought of knowing that he’ll never get serious with them keeps my heart from breaking each time.
“Hey, Jonginnie!” I waved as I made my way towards him. I stopped on my track when I saw who he was with. “Cha Eunhee-unnie…” I hope the horror I felt is not evident through the megawatt smile I plastered on my face. I think the times I’ve spent observing Jonmyeon’s through-the-fire smile pays off.
“Hi, Lia! It’s been a long time!” Eunhee greeted me.
Suddenly, I felt my world crumbled down on me. She’s back. And everything tells me that Kai wants her back. Jongin wants her back.
I wanted to cry, really. But I can’t. Not in front of her. Not in front of him. So I left.
I kept myself cooped up in my room for days after that. School seemed like a chore, and I always long for my bed. Even if I was at school, I can’t help but just want to bury myself in a cave or something. I just want to be alone.
Eventually I stopped talking even to Amber who lives with me. I didn’t go to school, I don’t feel like it. I guess Amber told someone since Sehun came knocking on my door a few days later. Kris called multiple times; he wanted to visit but I threatened not to answer his call from then on if he skip work to bother me. Kai…  I don’t really think he cares.
Half of me wants him to be there for comfort, but the other half of me doesn’t want to be hurt anymore. He might be there but I know his heart doesn’t belong to me so why bother? I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I can only have so much.
But eventually, Kai came knocking on my door. And even though I promised myself not to let him in a again, I still can’t stop the wild and hopeful beating inside my heart.
“Why? Why did you suddenly disappear?” he asks. Demanded. There’s worry in his eyes, mixed with confusion and hurt, he‘s not a bit angry at all. I always did know how to tell his feelings through his eyes. “You weren’t replying my messages! You were not even attending your classes! Why‘d you seem to leave Earth all of the sudden? Just when everything is getting better, I feel like I’m losing you!”
I smiled bitterly and looked at him straight in the eyes. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks and I probably look worse than how I feel. I would have been embarrassed… but my heart is breaking and the only thing I could feel is how it’s being torn apart piece by piece.
“Why should have I stayed?” I asked, letting my voice sound numb. I just feel so tired that even if I want to hurt him, physically and emotionally and in all ways I could possibly do, I can’t. Raising my voice, even trying for my true emotions color my words, is so hard. I am tired… and he doesn’t hear what I really want to say anyway… so why bother?
“I need you.” he answered after a moment of staring back at me. I could see that he really does need me.
“You have her.” I replied. He doesn’t need me like how I want him to need me.
“You’re not her. You’re different.”
“I know.”
“Then what is this all about?” he asked exasperatedly, arms flailing in frustration. He’s cute like that when he can’t understand something. I would have about it. But not this time.
“Because…” I sighed, bowing my head. Should I tell him? I got nothing to lose now, right? He has her? He’ll never need me now. It took him a couple of weeks to realize I was gone from his life. If it was him, I would have been looking for him after the first couple of hours.
“Because?” he prodded. I could easily picture his searching gaze, the one when his brows would be almost connected in the middle of his pretty forehead.
I took another deep breath, and then I finally found the courage… no, I think it’s when I finally accepted that since there’s really nowhere for us to go anyways, I better get this out of my system once and for all…, I look at him in the eyes, letting my feelings pour out with every word I say, every breath I take… “Because… no matter how long I have been staying here and waiting for you, you’ll never see past me as ‘the friend’. And I’m kind of tired. Waiting for you is tiring.” I said.
It took him a few more seconds to comprehend the meaning of my words.
Those same seconds, I let myself to finally start moving on. It’s going to be a long way, and I don’t even know how to start… but I have to. I can’t keep on making him the center of the universe. My universe.
He started with a step towards me, clearly trying to say something.
Before he could say anything though, I close the door with a gentle, “Bye.”
I thought it would be easy, and frankly, even if I had closed the door on him, a huge part in my heart that is still waiting for him, wanted to hear bangs on the door. I wanted to hear him say my name and ask for me to please open the door because you’re my best friend and I need you. If he had said that, I know I’d open up for him again. Open my heart again even if I know he’d break it again… just like how he’d always been unconsciously doing. I’m a masochist like that. Just because I love him. Because this love runs deeper than I thought.
But he didn’t.
I heard his footsteps fade away as he walked towards the staircase and left.
Tears fell down from my eyes again, just like how they were doing for the past couple of weeks since he… since he told me that she had said yes to him.
“This…” I said to myself, “This is the last time…” I promised. “Never again…”
I lied. Just like always.
 

a/n: so... this is a late update for Kai's birthday!!!

...what do you think will happen next???? (what do you WANT to happen next??)