a/n: as much as i want you guys to anticipate, i can't keep myself from updating... midterms for today had been moved so i'm being happy!!!!

and...  i think it's time for a switch...

This is in KAI's POV

enjoy!! >,<

Present…
My phone rang and I tried hard to ignore it. It’s just a text. Must be Sehun bugging me about going out with Lia again. He called me a couple of days ago but I was on a date, if you call going to the dentist a date, with Eunhee.
We weren’t dating again, as much as I wish we were. She said she can’t probably start a relationship again with me when she’s comfortable with us being friends. I accepted her decision for the meantime, but that doesn’t mean that I am going to give up that easily. She’s back and I’ll do everything to get her back.
A few more minutes and I was asleep again. But my phone (did I tell you that I hate it?) rang again. This time, it’s my alarm. Oh, I forgot! Eunhee asked me if I could help her do some shopping for the kids she was helping at the orphanage. I readily agreed of course. Spending time with her means I get to charm her even more. It’s only a matter of time before she accepts me again.
I pushed myself off my bed and went straight to the bathroom, holding my phone on one hand.  I started with my morning routine and read my messages at the same time, starting from the earliest, which were actually last nights‘. I guess Sehun was really adamant in meeting with me.
As I get down to the latest messages, I nearly choked on my own spit when I read that it was from Lia.
I can still remember the last time we talked. About a couple of weeks ago. She had been moping really bad about something and I would have been with her if not for Eunhee. I was so focused on having Eunhee back that it took me a couple of weeks to realize that Lia barely (or had stopped more likely), sends me messages anymore. She send me messages everyday, without fail, whether it’s just to remind me to eat lunch, or not to forget about our homework, or just greeting me a good morning. It never fails to brighten up my day.
No wonder I was feeling like something was missing. She hadn’t been in contact for two weeks and I only realized that when Eunhee had to ditch me for her parents. I was disappointed of course. But that’s when I realize that Lia hadn’t been anywhere as usual. I called her but she never answered, and not even a single reply to my messages.
I called Sehun, and when I met up with him, I was met with an angry Sehun who would have punched me on the face for the reason I don’t know if not for Tao, who managed to hold him back down.
Sehun told me that it was my fault. I couldn’t understand why, and Sehun fuming was not helping. Tao told me about how Lia practically cut everybody out, even her own brother. I got worried of course. She’s my best friend! Something must have happened.
When I visited her, I couldn’t believe my eyes. She had grown paler and thinner and she was practically a wreck. I asked her what was wrong. At first her answers were vague, I couldn’t understand them.
But when she said those words and... my heart, my world, seemed to stop.

“Because… no matter how long I have been staying here and waiting for you, you’ll never see past me as ‘the friend’. And I’m kind of tired. Waiting for you is tiring.”

And now, as I read the message she sent me, my heart is beating so fast I think it’s going to rip itself off my chest.
 

Hey, Kim Jongin! I know we haven’t been in good terms lately and I’m sorry I’m just telling you this now… but I’m leaving. I got accepted to Berkeley! I finally get to have one of my dreams come true… I guess God makes up for things he doesn’t give you…
So, see you when I see you, Jonginnie… I’ll miss you.
 

I can’t believe this! She’s leaving! And nobody even told me anything!
“I guess that’s what you get when you cut everybody else off because of a girl who won‘t take you back, you moron!” I told myself as I run around my apartment to gather clothes. The message was sent just about 30 minutes ago, I can still catch her on the airport, send her off, make her stay (what?), or anything! I just need to see her! Her words haunted me for the past couple of weeks, and even though I still don’t know how to make of it, I just can’t let her leave like that!
I run down the hallway, halfway putting my shoes on. I should tell Eunhee I couldn’t make it, but that’ll have to wait. Right now I’m probably losing my best friend and I’m not ready for that, I’ll never be ready for that.
I got in to my car and called Sehun at the same time. The line was busy so I concentrated first on driving, pushing past cars who were taking it slow today because of the ice. I dialed Sehun’s number again as I reached the airport. Still busy.
There were too many people in the airport and I doubt that I can locate Lia in this crowd. I dialed her number but it was unreachable. “Darn it! Lia, where are you?” I asked no one on particular and decided that the best thing I can do at the moment was to check if her flight already left.
I looked up for the board showing the arrival and departure of flights. As my eyes caught sight of the several flights to L.A., my heart clenches tightly in pain. Every flight to L.A. had already gone just five minutes earlier.
I don’t know why but there’s a heart-wrenching feeling inside me. I guess it’s similar to what I felt when Eunhee broke up with me and left. But somehow it’s different. Because Eunhee had only been there for some part of my life, Lia… she’s always been there! How can I not see it? She had always been with me, through thick and thin.
And I can’t believe, after all of what she had done, what she had been, for me,  I still left her on that day she confessed her feelings for me. How can I be so cruel? How can I be so stupid?
My phone rang and I halfheartedly accepted the call.
“Kai! Where  the hell are you?!”
“Sehun?” I frowned. Why does he sound so angry? And panicked? And is that… it sounds like he’s in an ambulance or something.
“No, idiot! It’s God!” Sehun managed to shot at me angrily. “Where in the name of all good things are you?”
“I’m at the airport. I’m sorry I couldn’t accept your calls earlier. I’ve just read Lia’s message and I drove here as fast as I could, really! But her flights already gone!”
“Idiot! Why couldn’t you read messages as soon as they arrive?" Sehun scolded.
Alright, he’s angry, so I’m going to keep my head cool about him calling me an idiot repeatedly. He must be so upset about Lia leaving.
“I’m sorry. I was too busy lately so I overslept. Did you see Lia off? Did you get her number? Give it to me and I’ll give her a call.” I said.
Sehun started sniffing on his side of the line. I managed to ask him what was happening. The sound of siren on the other side of the line is not helping. What if he'd gone into an accident! Lia had just left! Sehun cannot be hurt! That’s just too much of a karma for me!
“Jongin…” Sehun said between sniffs. He must be crying. “Lia… she didn’t catch her flight.”
“Really?” somehow, my heart leaps with that. She didn’t leave! It means I can… I don’t really know what to do, but I’m just happy that she’s still here.
My happiness couldn’t be more short-lived.
“She’s got into an accident. A bad one. Jongin… she might not make it.”
Sehun’s words doesn’t make sense. He’s joking.
There’s no way…
Lia …
Tears started falling down my cheeks but I ignored them as I ran towards my car. I just need to see her. I’d rather have her leave me for another country, I’d rather that she hate me forever for hurting her all these years. But I can’t live without her. Never.

A few weeks back…

“Noona, you want to take a break? Aren’t you hungry? It’s already past lunchtime.” I told Eunhee. We’ve spent the whole morning taking care of the orphans, playing with them, teaching them how to read and write. It’s fun, but my stomach isn’t up for fun anymore. It wants food. As much as I am enjoying my time with Eunhee and the kids, my stomach is rebelling already.
“Oh! Now that you mention it, I’m kind of hungry too.” Eunhee smiled at me.
I can’t believe her smile can still make me melt inside.
We end up ordering at one of my favorite restaurants, well, not really a restaurant since it’s just a small place (with really big servings of fried chicken in an affordable price) that Sehun, me and Lia likes to hang out at.
The waiter gets our order so we waited for a bit.
“Are you sure it’s okay for you to go with me to the orphanage? I mean I’m taking too much of your time. You have dancing practices, right? And school?” she asked as we waited.
“No, it’s fine, really. My schedule this semester is pretty light. I’m a performing arts major so you don’t really expect too much study time. And the new kids in the crew are learning a new choreography so we oldies are not really needed until they’re done.” I explained.
She just nodded and fiddled with the hem of the tablecloth. “So… you still hang out on this place, I see.”
I can’t help but smile. “Yeah. Well, old habits die hard. We’ve been hanging out in this place for… years… so I guess it’s kind of hard to let go.”
“I remember. You always get takeouts from here. The ahjumma at out old high school’s cafeteria hates it when she sees the trash you leave behind. You guys have no loyalty, she always say.”
Her dimpled smile still doesn’t fail to mesmerize me, and that laugh that always make me feel light and giddy. “Well, to my defense, it’s Sehun who always wants takeouts. I don’t give in so easily, but Lia does. She’s always a er for Sehun’s aegyo. But she never gives in to whatever I suggest.” I can’t help but to think about all the petty quarrels Sehun and I would have, only to have Lia side with Sehun.
“Lia… she’s still friends with you.”
“Uh, of course. Why wouldn’t she? I mean, we’re like cats and dogs, but there’s no reason for us to not be friends.” I answered. Just what does she mean? I mean, back then when she broke up with me she mentioned about me not really spending time with her because of my friends. I still don’t understand. We spend lots of time together, and she had always got along with my friends.
She flashed a peculiar smile my way, as if she knows something I don’t know. “So… you still don’t realize. You’re such a funny guy, Kim Jongin.”
I would have asked what she meant but someone approached us with an enthusiastic ‘Hey, Jonginnie!’. At first I couldn’t recognize her and I nearly kicked myself for not recognizing my own best friend.

Well, how can I when she’s wearing an unusual outfit today? Lia never wear skinny jeans. She has nothing against them but she can’t help but to feel kind of (her words) with such tight-fitting outfit. And Lia never wear the color yellow (makes her feel like she absorbs too much sunlight or something, she’s weird like that), yet she was wearing a yellow tee with a rabbit design… I guess it’s the one I gave her on one of those White’s Days as a prank (me and Sehun do this a lot). I knew she’ll never wear it so it’s kind of overwhelming to see her in them.
And not to mention that I haven’t seen her in the past… week. Oops.
“Hey, Lia!” I greeted. I think I remember that we agreed to visit Yixing’s place earlier this week but… Eunhee happened to visit the orphanage and I couldn’t help but to volunteer on going with her.
Lia just give that soft smile she always wear whenever others are around (she always snarls at me! I swear she got it from Joommyeon-hyung! She spends too much time with that monk!)
“I see Eunhee-unnie had came back!” Lia beamed at Eunhee.
“Uh, yeah. I came back more than a week ago.” Eunhee replied. She gave me another look, which I know has a meaning behind it but I just can’t understand what it was!, before asking Lia to have a seat.
“Uh, no. It’s fine. I was just passing by to buy some food.” Lia smiled. “Well, I think I should go. I have lots of errands today so I’ll leave you to your… uh… date.” she grinned before leaving.
I watched her leave the restaurant. She didn’t buy anything, contrary to what she said earlier. “She said she came to buy some food…” I wondered.
I felt someone staring at me and when I turned, it was Eunhee. With that same knowing look in her eyes. “You never realized what I meant back then, didn’t you?”
“Huh? What do you mean?” I frowned.
She laughed softly. “I can’t believe that you’re still oblivious. You still keep on ignoring what your heart tells you.” she smiled gently at me then, “Jongin… if you keep this up, you’re going to lose the person you really want to be with.”
What? What does she mean? Does she mean that I am going to lose her again? That she’ll never return my feelings like before?
“Jongin-ah…” ah, my name coming form her lips still make my heart skip a beat, “If you keep on holding onto me, then you’re not going to see what you really want to see. Don’t wait for the time that you’re going to lose the very thing your heart desires so much just because you keep a blind eye to what it’s saying in the first place.” she smiled.
The waiter came then with our order and my questions were subdued for the moment by my hunger. The riddles Eunhee keeps on giving me will just have to wait. Besides, with my stomach empty, my brain won’t function the way I want it to, especially with my heart giving me jitters every now and then.
I went to a few more activities with Eunhee but she never mentioned or answered me about what she meant that day. I was so busy trying to impress her to mind anyways so I let it go.
It’s one boring day when Eunhee had to visit her parents that I’ve got nothing to do. I checked my phone, no messages. No message from Sehun, no surprise there since the kid rarely uses his phone but for games. No message from Lia… now that’s a first. She never fails to send me a message everyday, even if was just to annoy the early living daylights out of me.
I sent a message (or 20), and called a couple of times (or just around 40) but she never answered. Of course I got worried.
And I’m pretty sure I’m forgetting something.
Just then a text message arrived. “Yah, Kkamjong! Where the heck are you? The party’s starting!”
Crap. I forgot it’s Baekhyun-hyung and Jongdae-hyung’s congratulatory party! Jongdae-hyung won first place in a TV singing contest and Baekhyun managed to snag a job at a major club after looking for a part-time job for two months.
I immediately changed my clothes and went to Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s place. Everyone was already there when I arrived, and everyone means a whole rowdy group of people who finds it enjoying to shake a whole block of residential buildings with noise, party and… noise.
I was about to open the front door when a familiar sight caught my eyes.
“Eunhee?” I called out.
When the girl turned around, it was ended the girl that I had been missing for the entire day. Well, the other girl that is. Lia is another girl.
“Jongin?” she looked as surprised as I was. “What are you doing here?”
“Two of my friends live here. You?”
“I uh… a friend also lives here. I came to visit.” she replied.
“Well, are you going home now? I thought you were going to visit your parents.”
“I did. I met my friend while I was leaving so we got together to catch up.”
“Oh…” why do I feel as if she was not telling me something. “Well, you want to come with me for a few minutes? You remember Baekhyun and Jongdae? The hyungs from the music club you used to be in in high school? We are having a party for them.” I proceeded to tell her about what happened and she readily agreed to go with me. She wanted to congratulate them personally and also to say hi after a few years of being abroad.
The party was in full swing when we entered the apartment, lots of our close friends were there and they were happy to see Eunhee. They even ignored me, the bastards.
I saw Sehun and Lia near the dining room table, no surprise with that since Sehun can’t help but to stick where the food is. And Lia always fawns over him.
“Hey!” I called out and as soon as I got their attention, they greeted me and Eunhee.
Tao, who was with Sehun and Lia, seemed genuinely happy to see Eunhee. But I could not say the same with Sehun and Lia. Last time I checked, they had got nothing towards Eunhee for breaking up with me.
Sehun greeted Eunhee politely while Lia just seemed to be tired and weary. There were dark circles under her eyes, which were worse than Tao’s, and she looked like she hadn’t got any sleep in past few days.
I took it as just another hectic schedule of projects at school and showed Eunhee around, help her remember names and faces of our old acquaintances who were at the party, and my new set of friends whom I met after she left.
A few minutes into the party I noticed Lia leave. Sehun was following her as if he was trying to stop her but I didn’t know what happened after they closed the door behind them.
“Why don’t you go check them out first, Jongin? I’ll be fine.” Eunhee said near my ear so I could hear her over the loud music.
I gave her a nod and followed Sehun out. Lia had just gone into the elevator with Sehun and Tao hovering over the closed door when I caught up with them.
“Yah, Sehun, what happened? Why did she leave?” I asked as I walked towards them. “Was she sick? She didn’t look good at all.”
Sehun turned towards with a death glare. “It’s all your fault, you ! You just have to bring Eunhee-noona here, don’t you?! Just when Lia started getting herself back up again!”
“Don’t call me names, Oh Sehun. I’m still older than you are! What the heck are you talking about? What happened with Lia?”
Sehun stepped back and pulled me up by the collar, thankfully Tao was there to stop him because even though Sehun and I are of the same height and he‘s a bit skinnier than I am, Sehun’s strength is no joke. I would know since we’ve been in too many fights, and we were not on the same side in all of them.
“Never, ever!, go near her again. If you do, I don’t care even if she loves you so much, I’ll kill you.” Sehun threatened before leaving.
I looked at Tao who called for Sehun to stay at the party but was ignored. “What was he talking about? What did I do?”
Tao just patted me on the shoulder and gave me a somewhat pained look mixed with disbelief, “I thought they were all wrong, but you really are the densest guy I’ve ever met in my whole entire life.”
“You make it sound as if I’ve missed something I shouldn’t in this lifetime.” I frowned at him. Why is everybody talking in puzzles around me these days?
“You are. And you better grab it because you can never be sure if you’ll encounter her again in your next lifetime.” Tao replied before going back to the party.
“What the heck, Tao? Not you too!”
He just gave me a shrug as an answer.
The party went on pretty late that night and I woke up with a huge hangover! Lia would roll her eyes if I tell her (she smacked me the last time I complained about a hangover, she’s vicious I tell you). But no matter how much alcohol I can tolerate or how small amount I drink, the hangover still is as huge as the moon come morning!
And speaking of Lia, I should visit her. She looked so bad yesterday. And Sehun never gives outburst like that just because. Only Lia can calm him down and only her can make him go off like that too.
Sehun was my best friend first, but Lia triggers his protective instinct. He’s an only child and he found a sister in Lia. He won’t think twice in carrying his threats even if they were directed towards me. He’s such a traitor!
I got to Lia’s apartment around 10 in the morning and I’m pretty sure she’s awake since she wasn’t the type to laze around, a total opposite of Kris-hyung.
What greeted me was a shock. Lia looks like she had been turned into those vampires she always read about (definitely not from the Twilight Saga). The bags under her eyes were more noticeable thanks to the red rims on her eyelids. It looks like she had been crying the night out.
“What happened?” I asked.
She didn’t invite me in. And she didn’t answer.
“What’s wrong?” I tried again. No response. “Lia, what happened? Are you okay? And yesterday. You’re lucky Jongdae-hyung and Bacon-hyung were drunk enough that they didn’t realize you were gone so early.”
She keeps her head down.
“Aren’t you letting me in?” I asked. This whole talking in the hallway thing was awkward, and not in the romantic type.
She raised her head a little but didn’t mean my eyes. “You can’t blame me if I don’t. Not again, Jongin. Well, at least not in the near future.” her voice was weak and raspy. “I would appreciate it if you would just leave me alone.”
First Sehun telling me to get away, and now her! What the hell is this? And her words doesn’t seem to just mean I can’t come into her apartment.
“Is this a part of what happened yesterday? Can’t you guys tell me what exactly is happening? I know I’m spending way too much time with Eunhee but you know I just want to… I just want to be on her good side again.”
She just keep silent and it’s really irritating me now. Not because of her, but because I can’t understand the people closest to me right now. And seeing Lia in her current state was just frustrating.
“Why? Why did you suddenly leave?” I asked. Is her sickness worse than what I thought? Why wouldn’t she say something?
She gave me a small smile. It should have made me feel better since smile supposedly means a person feels better. But something in her eyes tells me she’s anything but.
“Why should have I stayed?”
“It’s all your fault you ! You just have to bring Eunhee-noona here, don’t you?! Just when Lia started getting herself back up again!” It’s about Eunhee? Lia… she… she likes me? But that doesn’t make sense! She’s my best friend!
Why should have I stayed? these words doesn’t only mean about staying at the party, don’t they?
“I need you.” I answered. And I really do. With all my heart, I need Lia by my side. She’s always been there. I can’t imagine her not there beside me.
“You have her.”
“You’re not her. You’re different.”
“I know.”
“Then what is this all about?” I asked, frustrated. If she can call out Monster Sehun, then she’s one of the only people who can make me pull at my hair in frustration too.
“Because…” judging by her tone, she’s not going to give me the reason.
“Because?”  I prodded.
“Because… no matter how long I have been staying here and waiting for you, you’ll never see past me as ‘the friend’. And I’m kind of tired. Waiting for you is tiring.”

“You never realized what I meant back then, didn’t you?” Eunhee had asked me.

What did she told me back then before she broke up with me? “You think you do but it’s not me you’re actually looking at. It’s not me that you see. And I can’t replace that person in your heart no matter what. So we better break this up before we hurt too many people.”

Before I can say another word Lia had already closed the door. Somehow, it feels like she had also closed her heart to me. And thinking about what everybody had been telling me, I guess I deserved that.
I have no face to show Lia now. Not after I had ignored her feelings for… years. It may had not been my intention but as a friend, as her best friend, I should have realized how she feels.
Sehun’s right. I’m a dense bastard.
I walked out of Lia’s building with nowhere to go, wandering around and thinking about how a clueless and heartless moron I’ve been towards my best friend.
I thought I heard a familiar laugh, and sure enough, when I look up, I saw a familiar person. Eunhee.
And she was with someone awfully familiar too. Lee Hyukjae. One of the senior dancers at school. One of my seniors I respected most.
I may be dense towards Lia’s feelings, but I’m not stupid enough not to know that the two people I hold near my heart, though for different reasons, are dating.
Hyukjae lives in Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s building. So, that’s why Eunhee was there yesterday in the first place. Now, I see.
Funny. I think I’ve just lost my best friend and the girl I’ve loved, or so I’ve been telling myself (contrary to what everyone seems to think), on the same day.
 

“And you better grab it because you can never be sure if you’ll encounter her again in your next lifetime.” Tao said.
Well, I guess whoever he meant by that, I had just let them slip away…
 

a/n: i don't really get why i LIKE to write angst and HATE(not really) to read them... aish!!

well,, it's another update.... i hope you keep on reading!!! thanks for subscribing and commenting!! i really appreciate it!!!!