“Why? Why did you suddenly disappear?” he asks. Demanded. There’s worry in his eyes, mixed with confusion and hurt, he‘s not a bit angry at all. I always did know how to tell his feelings through his eyes.
I smiled bitterly and looked at him straight in the eyes. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks and I probably look worse than how I feel. I would have been embarrassed… but my heart is breaking and the only thing I could feel is how it’s being torn apart piece by piece.
“Why should have I stayed?” I asked, letting my voice sound numb. I just feel so tired that even if I want to hurt him, physically and emotionally and in all ways I could possibly do, I can’t. Raising my voice, even trying for my true emotions color my words, is so hard. I am tired… and he doesn’t hear what I really want to say anyway… so why bother?
“I need you.” he answered after a moment of staring back at me. I could see that he really does need me.
“You have her.” I replied. He doesn’t need me like how I want him to need me.
“You’re not her. You’re different.”
“I know.”
“Then what is this all about?” he asked exasperatedly, arms flailing in frustration. He’s cute like that when he can’t understand something. I would have about it. But not this time.
“Because…” I sighed, bowing my head. Should I tell him? I got nothing to lose now, right? He has her? He’ll never need me now. It took him a couple of weeks to realize I was gone from his life. If it was him, I would have been looking for him after the first couple of hours.
“Because?” he prodded. I could easily picture his searching gaze, the one when his brows would be almost connected in the middle of his pretty forehead.
I took another deep breath, and then I finally found the courage… no, I think it’s when I finally accepted that since there’s really nowhere for us to go anyways, I better get this out of my system once and for all…, I look at him in the eyes, letting my feelings pour out with every word I say, every breath I take… “Because… no matter how long I have been staying here and waiting for you, you’ll never see past me as ‘the friend’. And I’m kind of tired. Waiting for you is tiring.” I said.
It took him a few more seconds to comprehend the meaning of my words.
Those same seconds, I let myself to finally start moving on. It’s going to be a long way, and I don’t even know how to start… but I have to. I can’t keep on making him the center of the universe. My universe.
He started with a step towards me, clearly trying to say something.
Before he could say anything though, I close the door with a gentle, “Bye.”
I thought it would be easy, and frankly, even if I had closed the door on him, a huge part in my heart that is still waiting for him, wanted to hear bangs on the door. I wanted to hear him say my name and ask for me to please open the door because you’re my best friend and I need you. If he had said that, I know I’d open up for him again. Open my heart again even if I know he’d break it again… just like how he’d always been unconsciously doing. I’m a masochist like that. Just because I love him. Because this love runs deeper than I thought.
But he didn’t.
I heard his footsteps fade away as he walked towards the staircase and left.
Tears fell down from my eyes again, just like how they were doing for the past couple of weeks since he… since he told me that she had said yes to him.
“This…” I said to myself, “This is the last time…” I promised. “Never again…”
I lied. Just like always.