“Ilhoon! Ilhoon! Please wake up!” I cried out. I heard thudding through the apartment before the door burst open and the guys thudded in.

“what happened!” eunkwang said running over and pulling ilhoon’s head into his lap.

“I don’t know! He was sweating and burning with fever! I tried to go get help but….” I froze not knowing if I should say anything about the kiss.

“but what!”

“ he passed out before I could!” I screamed frantically. Eunkwang and the others quickly bustled about grabbing up ilhoon and running him from the apartment. I was shaking not knowing what to do. I felt a calming hand touch my shoulder

“it’ll be ok…we are going to take him to the doctors…come on…lets go.” I looked up into peneil’s eyes mine all blurry filled with tears. My heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest.

“oppa! What if something happens to ilhoon!” I cried hard into his shoulders.

“It’ll be ok…come on.” he said helping me to my feet. Sudden rush of guilt swept over me. I was crying my heart out in my boyfriend’s arms over another man. I pushed those thoughts aside, it wasn’t another man it was Ilhoon. I climbed into the ambulance after they pulled Ilhoon in, hyunsik had called them on the way out, and they had them close by since it was a large idol area. The others filed into the van to follow after. I couldn’t help myself gasping and shaking. I grabbed ilhoon’s hand tightly.

“Please…Ilhoon be alright.” I thought I felt a squeeze in my hand but when I looked up Ilhoon was utterly still, taking in ragged breaths and sweating. He looked so sickly and it hurt my heart. 

“miss…miss! You have to let go of his hand now we have to take him back!” the doctor ordered pushing my hand off ilhoon’s. I watched in horror as they rolled him away from me. as the doors closed in my face I felt like I had just lost him, like ilhoon would be forever out of my reach. I collapsed to my knees and started crying again unable to stop myself. I felt arms around my shoulders after who knows how long, I couldn’t even see who it was through my tears. I let them blindly lead me to a seat somewhere as I sat and cried on their shoulder.

“it’ll be alright…it’ll be ok.” It was changsub’s voice. He was gently patting my shoulder. I looked up at him and wiped away my tears to see his face. His eyes where rimmed red and tears streaked his cheeks. He had been crying as well. Yet he was comforting me.

“c-changsub oppa!” I cried wrapping my arms around him. his voice shook as he said itll be alright and then he broke down and we cried in eachothers arms. A little while later we had stopped crying profusely but tears where still streaming down my cheeks silently as we waited for the doctors. The doors where ilhoon disappeared opened and the doctor walked out removing his mask. Before anyone else moved I was already at the doctor.

“is he alright!” I cried out hopelessly. The doctor gave me a nod.

“he is fine, he had a high spike in fever…im afraid that’s all I can tell you I need to see his manager?” ilhoon’s manager was already on his way over to her and asked me to go back to the others and that he would tell them more later. I hesitated a moment before stumbling back over to the others watching the doctor and the manager for any signs of bad news. The manager seemed to stay calm through the whole thing but it did nothing for my nerves. When the manager was done talking to the doctor he walked back over everyone’s eyes on him.

“ok, ilhoon is fine, he had a high fever and was dehydrated… you guys can go back to see him now…hye mi-ah…you go ahead first you need to get back to your shoot… and guys stay a minute hmmm…I need to talk to you.” They all nodded worriedly and I couldn’t help but feel that they were hiding something from me. I couldn’t stay to dind out though because I wanted… no I needed to see that ilhoon was alright with my own eyes. I ran back to where they said his room was and paused at the door. my hand on the knob. I couldn’t make myself go in… as much as I wanted to see him, as much as I wanted to see if he was alright… I couldn’t face him, if something where wrong with him or if I saw him sicker looking then before I don’t know if I could contain myself. Ilhoon had kissed me before he passed out, withier if was in a fit of fever or he meant I couldn’t be sure, but what I was sure of, was that all those feelings I had for Ilhoon where still there and they burst forward like a broken dam. It over powered anying I had ever felt before, including anything for peniel and I felt like a horrible person for it. I knew if I saw Ilhoon now I would break down and tell him all the feeling I still had for him. I wouldn’t be able to stand it and it would be to much. I dropped my hand from the knob and turned from the door. walking towards the exit at the opposite end so none of the guys saw me. I didn’t deserve to see ilhoon…and I didn’t deserve to see peniel...i needed to make up my mind before I hurt both of them and myself…

“cut…hye-mi-ah? Is something the matter? You haven’t been yourself today… did something happen yesterday?” the director asked softly coming over to me. I felt really apologetic to him because It truly wanst acting the way I usually did.

“im sorry director…im just not feeling well.” He nodded looked at me sadly.

“alright…take a little break today…we have the others hear we can shoot a different scene…but I want you back tomorrow ready ok…” I nodded.

“alright…thank you director…im very sorry.” He pat my head before he went to discuss things with the crew.

“Hey…are you ok?” joo won asked coming over. he placed a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. “do you need to tlak?” I took a deep breath and looked at him.

“since the director isn’t shooting our scenes today because of me…do you think you could drive me somewhere?” he gave me a kind smile and nodded. We arrived into town a little while later after stopping at multiple shops for supplies. Joo won was gracious and helped me to carry everything. “I just wanted to make things look nice for them…it’s the least I could do. I feel so horrible and they’ve been at the hospital since yesterday with ilhoon…he should be released in the morning…” I told the security as they let us in. he knew me well and didn’t think anything of it. I smiled and we walked in. their place was a mess left just like it was from yesterday night, dishes and food strewn everywhere not having cleaned up for dinner so half eaten plates and containers of food still sat out. “you don’t have to stay and help me you’ve done enough driving me around.” I said turning to joo won. He gave me that same kind smile he always did.

“Don’t worry…I don’t want to leave you here all alone. I’ll help you clean up.” I thanked him genoursly and we started to clean. We moved thorugh the house easily cleaning everything together and it was almost four in the morning before we were done though. Joo won collapsed on the couch exaughsted.

“do you know when they are coming back?” he yawned.

“they shouldn’t be back until late afternoon.”

“alright…then im going to take a nap before we drive back, we have to go directly to the shoot.” I nodded.

“thank you joo won…and im sorry about keeping you all night.” He waved me off tiredly before falling asleep on the couch. I grabbed the last bag of supplies and went back to ilhoon’s room. I had seen it was messy when I was in there and I wanted it to be nice and clean for him when he got back. It was good for healing. I moved through his room sluggishly, not having slept much since Ilhoon had been put in the hospital. But I managed to get his room clean within an hour. I moved to straighten up his bed and started straightening out the sheets and pillows when I felt something under one of them. I clutched my hand around it pulling it from under the pillow. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach like lead in water. I collapsed sitting on the edge of his bed to tired and shocked to hold myself up anymore. Tears started streaming down my cheek again. I stared at the anti-depressant pill bottle in my hand. Ilhoon’s name screaming out at me.

“Ilhoon.” I gasped sadly. I clutched the bottle to my chest like I could feel his pain and cried silently until I fell asleep of utter exaughsting on his bed.

I ignored the guys stares as we rode back towards the apartment. Manager hyung had told them about my depression and they have been fussing over me ever since…sadly they were not the ones I wanted fussing over me. I had expected hye mi-ah to have ate last come and seen me once… and the guys seemed completely shocked when I said I hadn’t seen her. Apparently she was the first one supposed to have come back and seen me. sighing I stared out the window.

“yah! Will you guys stop staring at me! im not going to burst into a depressive fit all of the sudden!” I hissed getting irritated with their worried glances. They awkwardly looked away feeling stupid about themselves… finally getting back to the apartment I bolted form the van ready to get away from the sad state of everyone else. I moved quickly to the elevator closing it before the others could catch up. Grateful for the piece for a moment I took a deep breath and waited for it to reach my floor. Opening my door expecting to see a mess in the house I saw nothing…it was spotless. The guys must have cleaned up while I had been sleeping at the hospital. Smirking I moved back excited to be in my own bed once more. the hospital was horrible and their beds where uncomfortable. Smiling I pushed open my door and stopped…the guys had cleaned my room as well? I looked and saw that the only thing out of sorts was the bed. the thing I wanted the most in my room. I dropped my bags on the floor and shut and locked my door so no one would bother me. swiftly moving to my bed I crawled in under the covers. It was surprisingly warm. I just closed my eyes when the sheets and covers beside me shuffled. I jumped up surprised and yanked them back. I gasp escaping my mouth. Hye mi-ah was curled up in a little ball on my bed, her hair a cute mess. She was clutching something in her hand. I gently moved her fingers to see her holding my empty bottle of anti depressants and I thought I might die…she knew now.

“ilhoon.” I jumped at the sound of her sweet voice. Muffled with sleepiness. “im so sorry.” She said looked at me with sadden eyes. “I didn’t know.” Tears had started to spring up in her eyes and I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I just wanted to hold her, to touch her, to kiss hre beautiful lips and tell her everything was ok.

“it’s alright… no one knew.” I said softly looking away from her, I remembered vividly the kiss from the other night and I was forcing myself not to do it again. I felt her hand gently on mine. it was warm and soft. She sat up slowly on my bed I could feel her eyes boring into me.

“I’m so sorry.” She cried. I looked at her, her nose red and her eyes tearing up and spilling over. I reached up and gently wiped them away holding my hand to her cheek longer then I needed. Noticing what I was doing I moved to pull it away, but her hand shot up holding mine to her cheek. I looked at her surprised. “im so sorry, because I cant help myself…my feelings for you from so long ago have never faded or gone away…they have only grown stronger. I had been doing so great to hold them back to burry them deep that I had thought…I had believed that I didn’t have them anymore….but all it took was that once kiss from you and they burst through…and seeing you lying there on the floor so still I thought I was about ot lose you forever…” my heart was racing a million miles per hour…her words where like music to ears, it was like the saving grace, the light htat was pulling me out of my depression. “I know you don’t feel this way about me and you never did, and that’s why im so sorry… for putting this on you…for burdening you with this…even though you have so much to worry about on your-“ I couldn’t take it anymore. The tears on her face, the sond of her voice, the scent of her skin where overwhelming. I couldn’t resist, I moved my hand to the back of her head swiftly and pulled her to me stopping her face less then and inch from mine. she gasped in surprise her eyes widening in surprise. “ilhoon…” she said softly her breath gentle across my lips and that was the final straw.

“shut up will you.” I said my voice horse… and before she could speak again I crushed my lips hard against hers. Reveling in the taste of her lips, the feel of their softness against mine. her kisses where salty from the tears and yet I loved every moment of it. her hands moved gently to wrap around my neck as she let me kiss her, and I felt better in this moment then in any moment I before.