“hye-mi-ah.” Ilhoon’s voice was like a drug I had been addicted to, and it was suddenly taken away, now the drug was back and it was hitting me full force. “h-how have you been?” he asked looking between me and jiyong. I became immensely aware of our intertwined fingers and quickly dropped his hand. “it’s been a long time.” he said continuing on when I didn’t speak.

“four years.” I said without meaning to. Ilhoon chuckled a little and nodded.

“yea…four years.” He seemed to have a fond tone in his voice like he was reminiscing over the times four years ago.

“oppa…we really have to go.” The pretty girl on his arm said sweetly tugging on his sleeve a little. She smiled at me apologetically. I gave her a kind smile and a little nod to show her it wasn’t a problem.

“sorry for keeping you…you must be really busy…well be going now.” I said before ilhoon could excuse himself first. Jiyong followed after me. I glanced towards ilhoon I thought I saw his jaw clenched as he looked after me but I knew It wasn’t true.

“oppa…we need to go come on.” soojin said tugging my sleeve again. I was staring after hye-mi-ah as she retreated. It had been four years since I heard her voice in person…I hadn’t realized how much I had missed it. her voice was like a bell, beautiful and like music to my ears.

“ok… lets go.” I said tearing my eyes away from her. Soojin wrapped her arm in with mine again her grip tight. I could feel her shaking slightly.

“soojin, calm down I think you’ll do fine. Your first photo shoot is something to embrace not fear.” I said trying to calm down soojin. She was a rookie for cube and she was about to debut. The director asked me to her to her first photo shoot since she was comfortable with me. her and my sister where in the training days together so she was comfortable with me by proxy.

“ok oppa.” She said taking a deep breath and calming slightly.

“ok, ill be waiting on the side lines ok… FIGHTING!” I said doing a little fist pump. She did the same back and ran off to greet the crew. I pulled out my phone and dialed peniel.

“hellloooo hooniiee!!” he cooed into the receiver.

“yah! Why didn’t you tell me hye-mi-ah was at the studio I was coming to!” I said angrily.

“wah…oh was she?” he said innocently.

“kiesekke….i know you knew. You’re the one she talks to the most theres no way you didn’t know.”

“yea yea ok I knew, so what it’s a big studio it was a long shot that you would run into her….wait did you see her!” he said getting excited on the last realization.

“mmm…I ran into her in the parking garage.” I said softly.

“did you guys talk!” I sighed pinching the bridge

“no…she was with GD hyung…are….are they going out?” I asked with morbid curiosity…I don’t know why I even bothered.

“hmmm I don’t know… they are together a lot and she talks about him a lot…they got really close after she joined his company…” with every word the whole ive been in for four years seemed to grow even deeper. I sighed again. “ilhoonieeee… why don’t you just talk to her huh…come with us tonight we are throwing her a party dinner thing at the café we used to eat at in school…she leaves tomorrow for the filming of her show.”

“I don’t think she would want me to be there…nor do I think I should go… I don’t think I can see her.” I said the last part as I pulled the phone away from my ear and hung up. I wasn’t even sure he heard. I tucked the phone in my pocket and walked over grabbing a bottle of water off the table of refreshments. Taking it with me I walked into the mens restroom and locked the door. my hands where shaking and I could barley handle the lock. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the anti-depressants I had been prescribed three years ago. After hye mi-ah left the way she did I felt horrible about how I treated her, then when I couldn’t get ahold of her for months as I tried to fix things I felt even worse. Everything grew worse after that, I found that the feelings I had for her where more then I had thought and not having her around left a gaping hole in my heart, I missed bickering with her, I missed us fighting and pulling horrible jokes on each other I missed the way where had been getting closer towards the end… I missed her and that missing and longing threw me into a depression and seeing her once she debuted and not being able to touch her or be close to her made it deeper. I tossed back the pills and swallowed them down with the water my hands steadying. I tucked the bottle of pills back into the inside pocket of my jacket where they were easily hidden. I was told by the company to hide my illness at all costs for sake of my idol image. The only people who knew about it where the director of cube and my manager…not even the guys in my group knew.

“stupid pabo ilhoon… you deserve this.” I mumbled to myself as I looked in the mirror. “you really do.”