Donghae’s P.O.V.

Kiss goodbye

I just had to leave... I couldn’t bear it any longer... My weak heart couldn’t take lying to Siwon anymore. I needed to stop pretending that everything was alright and man up to finally do the right thing.

When I left last night, I felt like every guilt in the world was on my shoulder. I hated leaving Siwon behind. But it was obvious that I wouldn’t be able to do it while I’m with him. Besides, I created this problem. It’s only right that I solve it on my own. I am much aware this whole mess concerns Siwon too, but I don’t want to drag him down way too much. He’s done great things for me and the least I could do for him now is try and save him from the troubles and distress. All he has to do is decide if he still wants to be married to me after I tell him what I’ve done.

I hope he distracts himself with work or by going to the gym while we’re apart. I don’t want him thinking about me all the time. What I am about to tell him is bad enough. Making him worry for me is beyond out of the line.

When I got back to my old apartment, I went to my room right away and let myself collapse on the bed. I stared at the ceiling and I remembered how dull my days were before. Then Siwon came in and changed everything. He ignited a spark in my life and made my heart beat like never before. He simply, made my life better. 

I turned to my side and saw a picture of us on top of the table. We were laying side by side at his old tree house and Siwon was nuzzling his nose on my neck while I was smiling at the camera like an idiot. We really are madly in love with each other... How could I be so horrible and just forget that?! And that second it slipped out of my mind; I immediately took the chance and kissed another man. I really am an awful person... But I sure do hope Siwon settles to forgive me for it.

I took the frame from the table and gazed at it like it holds my entire life. “I’m so sorry”, I whispered then hugged the picture in my arms. Wishing that somehow Siwon would hear me and feel that I’m thinking about him.

I let my mind wander off and replayed my great memories with Siwon. I imagined him by my side, holding me tight while giving me sweet little kisses on my cheek. Then I nestled my head on the pillow and slowly closed my eyes. I wished for luck and a lot of courage, for I, will be needing them in time.

The next morning, I sat alone in the dining area while I urged myself to drink a cup of coffee. My anxiety was too intense so I couldn’t get myself to eat. I know I need food for energy for what about I’m about to do. But coffee was really all I could take.

My phone was sitting in front of me, watching and demanding me to get over with it. So I took a deep breath and finally let my guard down. Don’t be a chicken, Hae. You can do this...

I placed my coffee down and stretched out my hand to get the phone. I stared at it for a moment before I started typing, “Meet me at the basketball court near SMent. Have something to tell you.” 

After hitting the send button, I put the phone down and jugged on my cup. I wasn’t sure if it was the coffee kicking in or just my nerves, but I started to feel really jumpy. I was so anxious to know what his reply was going to be. Our last encounter didn’t come out good in any way so I have no idea what he’s feeling for me now. He’s probably mad at me or something, but who wouldn’t? I practically ran away from him and left him burdened... Why am I so fond of doing that?!

Not a minute longer, my phone vibrated then the tension in my body rose. I picked it up and read his message. It said, “Ok. I’ll be there in an hour.”

I gripped the phone in my hand and closed my eyes. Oh god... This is it. I am finally doing it... For once, I’m a taking a huge step to do the right thing. I know I should feel good but this is more nerve-racking than I thought.

I lifted my coffee again and drank it to the last drop. Then I stood up then headed to the shower. Getting myself armed and ready for a battle. 

It’s been a month since I last went to this basketball court and I’m happy that it still looks the same. It somehow gives me a sense of familiarity and it’s helping me feel at ease. I was glad that the lush wall of vines surrounding the whole court and the smooth concrete floor were exactly how I remembered them.

I took my time walking to the entrance, trying to convince myself that this is just like another basketball game with Minho. Only this time, nobody wins. 

I entered the court and my eyes found him almost instantly. Mario was sitting by the bleachers with his arms crossed in front of his chest and he was wearing the same brown leather jacket he wore the first night I met him. He turned his head and caught me watching him. A smile formed on his face. Though, it wasn’t the same smile that almost got me crazy. It was different and kind of sad, as if he knew what was about to happen.

My heart raced as I continued to walk towards him. Our eyes remained glued to each other like there was an unspoken connection between us. A connection that was coming to an end. This is where I need all the courage. I’m about to cross a dangerous line and I need it so I wouldn’t stumble down and lose my path.

I drew a sharp breath when I got near him and said, “Sorry for asking you to come here in such short notice.”

“No problem. I wasn’t gonna do anything today anyways”. I nodded and made out a small smile. “Oh. I almost forgot!” He shifted and produced a single rose from his jacket pocket. He offered it to me so I reached it out and took it.

“What’s this for?”

He smiled apologetically and said, “Just to say sorry for what happened the other day.” I sat beside him and stared down on the rose between my fingers. “I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. I know I don’t have any right to do that.”

I nodded but kept my eyes on the rose. I just couldn’t look at him; tears will surely flood if I do. Mario had seen me cry way too many times and I willed myself not to break down in front of him again. So I just pretended to study the rose as if I have never seen one my whole life.

“So, is there something you wish to tell me?” he asked, trying to meet my gaze.

This is it... I let out a deep sigh and answered, “Yes.”

He lifted my chin up with his fingers then our eyes met again. “What is it? Are you okay?”

I held his hand and put it down on his lap. I exhaled then forced the words out of my mouth. “I can’t see you anymore, Mario.”

He looked away in exasperation and grimly said, “Let’s not go through to that again, Donghae.”

I shook my head. “I mean it.” I focused on his face, finding all the strength before finally saying, “Whatever we have... is over.”

He whipped his head back to me. “Don’t say that”, he uttered. Like a warning.

“No, Mario. I have to say it.” I knew I was starting to piss him off but I wasn’t going to back down. I need to stop this affair as soon as possible... before it’s too late. “We really can’t see each other anymore. We need to end this.”

His face softened and took both my hands in his. He took them to his lips and kissed them. He looked at me like a lost child with his tear-filled eyes and said, “That’s not true. We cannot stop seeing each other! We can work this out, Donghae.”

I pulled away and shook my head at him. “We are not working anything out, Mario. I love Siwon and we promised to stand by each other ‘til the day that we die. And I was insane to forget that.” Then I bowed my head and stared on my intertwined fingers to control the impending tears. “The moment we... kissed, the first thing that came into my mind was Siwon. I thought of all the good times we shared together and... I realized how much I treasure them. That I would never want to replace them and... that I’m looking forward to remember them for the rest of my life.”

I looked up as soon as I finished talking and saw a tear roll down from Mario’s eye. He got this pained expression that pushed me to cry with him.

He shook his head then got on his feet. He gazed through the vine walls as if he was watching his fate unfold before him. “So you’re asking me to just forget about you? You want me to move on just like that?!” Then he did an annoyed laugh. “You’re crazy, Donghae... ” He turned to me again and exclaimed, “You are one messed up person, you know that?!”

“I know... that’s why you should stay away from me.” Mario turned his gaze away again and sighed heavily. “I never wanted to hurt you, Mario.”

He sat back beside me and whispered, “Well you just did”. His dropped his head and held on to his knees tightly.

“I’m sorry... I never wanted this to happen.” I waited for him to say something but he didn’t. So I just placed the rose next to him and stood up to leave. I walked away, controlling myself from looking back and check if he was alright. But I thought it would be better if I just let him be. 

I reached my car and was about to go in when I heard Mario yelling behind me. “Donghae, wait!” I turned around and saw him running towards the parking lot.

He stopped in front of me and while trying to catch his breath, he said, “If this is the last time I’m going to see you then... then at least let me do this.” He took a step closer and held my face. I was stunned and couldn’t think to stop him. Without pausing, he leaned forward and touched his lips to mine.

He pulled away after a couple of seconds. Our faces still inches from each other. I cleared my throat and whispered, “I... I have to go.” We faced each other for a moment then I said, “Goodbye, Mario.” I got inside the car then drove away from the handsome pauper yet again. But it wasn’t somber like before. This time, it was rather... bittersweet. 

“I did it, Eunhyuk. I just let Mario go.”

Hyukkie gave me sympathetic look then opened his arms and hugged me. “I’m proud of you, Hae.”

He pulled me inside his house then led me to the kitchen. “Sit down”, he commanded. I yanked a chair out then sat on it.

Hyuk went around the kitchen then came back carrying a tray with two cups of tea and plate of biscuits. He placed in front of me then offered me one. I took it and said, “Thanks.”

Hyuk took the chair in front of me then sat down. He drank on his tea and leaned back. “So, what made you choose Siwon?”

I frowned at him. “What do you mean? Siwon has always been my only option.”

He sighed quietly then he told me, “Well, honestly Hae, when you came here last time I kinda felt that you have feelings for Mario.” I stared down on my cup and pretended to play with the tea bag hanging from it. “C’mon, Hae. It’s okay. I’m your best friend. You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you.”

I looked up at him again and said, “I... guess I can’t deny that what Mario and I had wasn’t just friendship. But I’m sure it wasn’t love either.”

“And why is that?”

I exhaled and shrugged at him. “Because Mario doesn’t make my heart beat like Siwon does”, I said matter-of-factly.

We both sipped from our teas then I continued, “Whenever I’m with Siwon, I always see the future. I always see myself growing old with him.” I looked down and smiled. “I imagine us walking by our lake, hand in hand, with our old grey hairs and just enjoying every moment of our lives.” I paused to let out a sigh. “Siwon opened my eyes to see how wonderful life is. He makes me feel that nothing is impossible as long as we’re together. As if all the good things in life are nothing compared to what we have. He gives me this... this special feeling I want to keep forever. Words can’t simply describe it... it’s like... I feel braver, more confident, and cherished.”

Proclaiming what I feel for Siwon came out easy in my mouth. It’s as if those words had been hanging in my mind and I was just waiting to speak it out. My mood just suddenly went lighter and somehow I don’t feel that bad anymore. Because I know he feels the same for me too.

Hyuk nodded at me then asked, “And with Mario?”

I glanced away. I knew Hyuk would ask that... “Mario makes me feel young, wild, and free. He’s the only person who gives me this rush of emotions that make me forget everything. He makes me feel like we’re the only two persons in the world” I turned to Hyuk and he was listening attentively, so I carried on. “But with him, everything feels temporary. Like any minute we would wake up and...” I pulled my brows together as I try to make out the words, “get sick of each other.”

Hyuk smiled at me and I wondered why. “What are you smiling about?”

He shrugged then answered, “I’m just glad you made the right decision.” He sat up and continued, “What you did was just a really brave thing and I’m just so proud of you.”

“Thanks, Hyukkie.”

He raised his cup then I did the same to mine. We clinged them together and laughed at ourselves.

I felt good. I was starting to believe that everything was going to be fine. But then I remembered I’d still have to face Siwon sooner or later. And that’s where the pieces would fall together, and it would either form into a great picture or one huge mess.

After Hyuk and I had ramyeon for dinner I figure to go home and get some rest. I drove back to my old apartment thinking that one of my dilemmas is over and I was feeling slightly relieved. But that feeling washed away the second I reached the lobby of my home.

The front desk lady ran up to me the moment I stepped inside then she called out, “Mr. Donghae! Mr. Donghae!”, in a very frantic manner.  I stopped and watched her come by to me. “Oh, Mr. Donghae, thank god you are back.”

Her worried expression sent chills on spine and I started to get nervous. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Mr. Siwon came by not long ago and we’ve been getting complains from the other tenants, saying that they’ve been hearing noises coming from your apartment.”

Why is Siwon here?! I looked at the frazzled lady trying to hide my own fear. “What kind of noises?”

“We are not really sure, but your neighbor said there was like a riot going on in there.”

“What?!” I rushed to the elevator then the young lady caught up to me and stopped it.

“Mr. Donghae, wait! Should we call the police?”

“No.” I shook my head at her. “I can handle this.”

She gave me a slow nod then the elevator door closed after her. My heart started to race. I was terrified to see what Siwon could’ve done.

When I reached my floor, I quickly ran to my front door and opened it quietly. I was surprised to see that all the lights we’re on. Then I noticed the familiar Eiffel Tower and Statue of Liberty key chain with Siwon’s keys placed over an envelope at the foyer. I picked it up and opened it. I took the contents out and they turned out to be pictures of Mario and I at the basketball court this afternoon.

The first one showed Mario handing me the rose, next was Mario and I talking, then Mario holding my hands, and the last was Mario and I kissing by the parking lot.

I felt the blood drain out of my face after seeing the pictures. He knows... Siwon knows what I have done. I can’t believe he found out before I could tell him. I have no idea how he got these pictures, but the shots appeared to be taken somewhere between the vines because every picture had twigs and leaves on its edges.

I let the pictures slip out of my hand then slowly, I walked to the living room to look for Siwon. Only to the find the whole apartment completely trashed. There were bits of shattered glass everywhere. And everything was just a mess. I saw a picture frame on the floor and picked it up. It was smashed and all its romance was gone. The picture didn’t look so happy anymore as Siwon and I appeared on it.

I felt the tears flowing from cheeks so I put the frame on a table and wiped my face.

“Siwon?” I called out. No one answered. But I’m sure he’s still here. He never leaves without his keys.

I checked the kitchen which thankfully, remained unharmed. I went to my room and saw the door was wide open. “Siwon?”

I found Siwon sitting on the floor with his back leaning on the side of my bed. His right hand was resting on his propped leg. He was staring at a blank wall with lucid anger in his eyes. Then my jaws dropped when I noticed his knuckles dripping with blood.

Then the broken pieces of mirror all over the carpet caught my attention. My eyes trailed to the bed and saw my laptop wrecked in half. “Oh my god”, I whispered.

I turned to Siwon again but he seemed as if he didn’t even know I was there. Or maybe he just didn’t care.

“Siwon... What have you done?”

He huffed and said, “Now you want answers from me.” He shook his head as if in disbelief.

“What... what you saw in the pictures is not what it looks like.”

He snapped his head and finally looked at me. His eyebrows furrowed and he looked furious. “I’m not stupid, Donghae! I know everything now! You can’t fool me anymore!”

“Siwon, I’m sorry...”

Then he moved and tried to get on to his feet but he seemed drunk. He held on to the side table for support before he finally managed to stand up and his posture scared me. He looked menacing as if he was ready to lunge at me.

“Why did you do it?” he asked with voice so quiet but chilling. “Am I not enough? Was he better than me? Did he you harder than I did?”

 “Siwon, nothing like that happened... Just please let me explain.”

“Oh wait. Maybe he was richer that me?” I looked away. I know it was probably the alcohol talking for him, but I couldn’t believe he was saying these words. They felt like knives stabbing me in the heart. “That’s it, huh? Maybe he offered you an island? Or did you let him pay you a million bucks to get in your pants?”

I shook my head and took a step closer to him. “Siwon, please don’t say that...”

His body tensed. “Don’t. Come. Near. Me.”

I ignored him and took another step. “Siwon, please.” I want to hug him and kiss him and just prove him that he’s the one I love.”

I reached out to touch his arm then he froze. He closed his eyes and said, “Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry, Siwon. I was stupid. Please forgive me.” We were standing foot to foot and I placed a hand on his cheek. Then he winced as if he’s in pain.

“Forgive me, Siwon.” He shook his head. “I love you so much.” Tears falling continuously. I leaned forward to kiss him but he pulled away.

He growled, “I SAID DON’T TOUCH ME!”

He hit my face with the back of his hand so I stumbled backwards and fell on the bed. I placed a hand over the spot where his hand landed and looked at him in horror. He stood before me, his stern expression gone and replaced by sadness and worry.

“I... I didn’t mean to.” His soft gaze made me think that he’d pick me up and hug me but instead he turned to the door and walked out.

I was in complete shock. I didn’t think he’d hit me but I felt that I deserved more than that. I didn’t expect that our confrontation would end up like this. But I’m not giving up.

I stood up from the bed and followed him. I promised him that I would fix this mess and I’m not backing out.

He walked to the hallway and I tried to catch up on him. He stepped inside the elevator and I screamed out to call him. “Siwon, wait!” But the doors closed before I got to it.

I hit the button with the arrow pointing down and waited for the next elevator. Luckily, it was empty. I pressed on the big ‘G’ repeatedly, hoping that doing so would make it go faster.  

Siwon was already making his way out when I reached the lobby. His steps were grim and dangerous, but it didn’t scare me. I will do whatever it takes. I’m not losing my husband.  “Siwon!” I yelled out and ran after him. Ignoring the jaded looks from the front desk lady and bellhops.

Siwon stepped outside and I finally caught up to him. I pulled on to his arm and said, “Siwon. Let’s talk, please.”

He wriggled his arm away and continued walking. I grabbed the back of his shirt and used all my strength to stop him. “Siwon, you have to forgive me. Please!”

He yanked my hands away then he looked straight into my eyes and said, “We’re done.”

I was frozen for a moment and then he turned around and got inside his car. “No... No!” I ran towards it and pounded in his window. “Don’t leave me, Siwon! Please! I’m sorry!”

I saw him insert the key in the ignition and I cried harder. He wasn’t even listening to me. “Talk to me, Siwon. I’m begging you, please! Let me explain!”

The car’s engine roared to life then it started to move forward, but I didn’t stop pounding even though my palms started to red and soar.

Siwon paused and rolled his window down. “It’s over, Donghae.” He pulled his wedding ring from his finger and threw it at me. It landed on the ground in front of me and I looked at it like my life was just thrown away with it. His windows went up again then Siwon sped off.

I picked the golden ring from the ground and held it next to my heart. I ruined everything...  I screwed up my marriage, Siwon’s heart, and my life. I committed a sin and now I’m paying for it. Karma has hit me more than twice as hard as I thought. But I will never give up. I am not losing Siwon because of this stupid mistake.

I will prove to him that I’m worth for his love. That he’s been the one for me and me the one for him all this time. Always and forever.