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Sometimes I wonder, is it even possible for hearts to be made out of pieces of papers?

It’s like a single cut and you’re out there, bleeding with a pain that you don’t even understand.

Do you believe in paper hearts?

Sometimes, I do.

<<>>

It was one of those days where Changsub and I decided to stay a little longer at the playground. As it began to darken, we were both busy counting stars – and those who got the numbers first, would win the bet and the loser had to spend the winner an ice-cream. An expensive one, of course.

We were lying down on the grass, with our heads resting on our respective arms. The night was as silent as a lullaby, one that I appreciated the most.

“Changsub-ah, how does it feel to have a father?”

I asked him, my eyes were still looking up at the vast night skies, counting stars in my mind.

“It feels as if you have a father.”

As if that would have explained it to me.

“Well, it’s just that you have someone who is reliable enough to catch you when you fall.”

I guess my father – no, I mean, my estranged father wasn’t a reliable person at all.

“Hoya?”

“Hmm?” I murmured in between air. Only loud enough to be heard by both of us.

“Do you miss your father?”

I chuckled at that. I had never even once seen that person, so how was I even supposed to miss him?

“I don’t.”

<<>>

I was fourteen when I realized the true meaning of friendship and brotherhood.

I was fourteen when I realized that my heart was as fragile as papers.

I was sketching the kind of home that I would someday build for my mom when I grew older. I’ve always promised myself that I would build a comfortable home for her with my own sweats and hard-earned money, and if I could – I would even buy the whole world for her, well if that made sense in a way.

Changsub said he was going to visit me at my home, like he would always do sometimes, if we got a little bored with the playground.

It was almost five o’clock in the evening, when I heard a knock on my room’s door – and as I’ve expected, it was Changsub.

But Changsub didn’t look like the usual Changsub. I mean, he wasn’t as cheerful and giddy as he would always be. He, somehow, looked pale and sort of disappointed.

“Hoya-ah…” He muttered, as he took a seat next to me, on my bed.

I slung my arm over his shoulder, and ruffled his hair. “What is up, Changsubie?”

“I’m…. moving back to Seoul.”

That time, how I wished that Seoul did not exist.

<<>>

I had never once been to the airport. I’ve never went anywhere out from Busan. Busan was my life, my soul and the place where my heart belonged; even if I sometimes did hate the life it gave me.

That day, mother and I went to send Changsub’s family to the airport. That was also the first time, I stepped my foot into the airport. The place was big – big enough and it was almost, felt like a dream to me.

Changsub stayed quiet for the whole entire moment. He was quiet too during the drive to the airport. I guess he was sad about leaving. I was too – but I decided to not show it. I had always been good at being oblivious, aren’t we all good at that?

I bought a can of latte drink for Changsub, and offered it to him, as we sat side by side at some of the hidden benches at the airport. My mother and his parents were busy talking about something. I guess, grown ups have their own little way to bid their farewells.

“My one last treat for you.” I said, as I scooted over to sit next to him.

“Thanks.” He replied with a chuckle.

Then, it was silence again, for both of us. A heart-wrenching one, I must say.

“Do you think we can still be friends after this?”

“Of course, we would! There’s always Internet, and you can always call me when you wanted to.” I assured him – although to be quite honest, I didn’t really know. The future has always been one scary topic for me.

“What if we become distant and before we even know it, we become strangers, instead?”

You see, I’ve always hated what ifs.

“That wouldn’t happen.” I was certain with my answer. I then looked at him and squeezed his shoulder, to reassure him once more.

“You know why? It’s because we’re brothers for life.”

<<>>

I bade Changsub with a goodbye and a hug.

I hugged auntie and uncle. It was my last time, calling him appa.

I waved Changsub goodbye and he wasn’t out of my sight, until his very last steps towards the boarding gate.

I was doing just fine – holding my feelings until I’ve realized that I was going to live my life without my best friend, without a brother that meant so much to my dull life.

I told mom that I was going to get myself something to eat – but instead, I went running to an empty hallway.

I curled myself into a ball and cried.

I stopped crying when I realized that a small figure was standing right in front of me.

She offered me a lollipop candy with a smile on her face.

“Oppa, don’t cry.”

I was comforted by a stranger.

And this isn’t what a real man does.