|019|

Sometimes, I wonder, why do people want things they can’t never have? Why do they wish for impossible things to happen and why do they even hopelessly entertain their preposterous thoughts?

Mom?

Yes, son?

Why do people want things they couldn’t have?

Because those things are that little desires that our fragile hearts longed for.

Mom?

Yes, Hoya?

Do you have things that you’d wish for, but you knew you simply couldn’t have?

I wish that you’d grew up with a person you can proudly call your father.

Then, it hit me hard. I too, have always yearned for someone to pick me up when I fell to pieces, someone who would hold me when I broke down and someone who would always have faith in me, even when I failed. 

That someone, I called a father.

<<>> 

That very next morning, Nicole and I tagged along with Sunggyu-senior to an abandon house property, situated somewhere around the hidden, suburban area of Seoul. After almost forty minutes of a car ride, we had finally reached the place and for one, deserted house, to me, the house still looked beautiful in its own unique ways, with the little pebbles on the pavement; strangely it was nostalgic for a walk down the memory lane.

Oddly, I think I was in love with the place, well if that made sense in any possible ways.

When we finally entered the house, and stepped our careful footings into the dejected place, I noticed some network of dusty threads hanging at the corner of the grayish, and blackened spot of ceilings; the tiny cracks in the aged walls were rather visible in my sight too and the strong scent of the musty odor overwhelmed our breathing. Nicole had her nose covered with the white handkerchief that I offered her, as I noticed that she was coughing every now and then. I guess, she must had not used to the unfamiliar odor.

“Hey, Howon and Nicole?” The senior’s hoarse voice awakened both of us from our long train of thoughts, as we were both engrossed in trying to unearth the essential features of the house.

“Yes?” We both responded at the same time, almost in a chorus.

“I want you both to start detecting on the problems of this house, like this crack on the wall,” He explained, as he pointed his index finger towards the visible cracks on the white walls, before resuming, “I want the outline of the problems, the solutions and your particular suggestions on how do we overcome it.”

Nicole and I both nodded our heads, succumbing to his orders. 

“Don’t miss out on the tiniest details, alright?” He futher more said, furrowing his eyebrow, “Both of you have at least two hours to befriend with this house, inside and out,”

The senior then left both of us in the huge house, as he walked out together with the land owner, looking somewhat busy in their serious-looking discussions. Nicole and I gawked at each other in perplexity, as we both shrugged our shoulders and chuckled out loudly that our voice echoed in the house.

<<>> 

At almost an hour and half, I had already listed down all of the potential problems of the abandon house, and with a slight cracking of the nerves in the brain, I should be able to comprise my own suggestions on how to handle the predicaments. I guess, learning to scrutinize the littlest things made me realized that I might have overlooked on certain things in a broader perspective and in a way, I was glad that Sunggyu-senior taught us to begin from the very basic.

I was squatting down on the floor, as I swiped the dust of the floor with my index finger. There was a cloud of finely powdered substance on my fingertip; and it was a rather thick one. I made a guess; the place must have been deserted for a long, long while, considering the volume of the filth thickness stretching on the floor. I shook my head, how could they abandon such mesmerizing place like this?

“Lee Howon!”

The abrupt voice startled me. I could feel a pair of hands, placed on my shoulders, as the familiar voice entered my hearing. I got up from my two feet and turned around, and of course, I saw Nicole standing in front of me, with a sheepish grin on her face. She had a pencil tucked behind her ear, and a notebook clutched in her left hand. She broke into giggles afterwards, and I only shook my head, smiling too.

“Finish yours?” I asked.

“U-hum,” She replied, nodding her head. “You?”

“Mine too,”

“Any plans afterwards for a busy, busy guy like you?”

I chuckled lightly at her remark, “Well, lucky you this busy guy does not have a plan,”

Nicole then gave me a knowing, mischievous look as I could only smile in return.

<<>> 

Nicole took me to a little restaurant, situated somewhere in the neighborhood. We were seated at a small table, outside of the restaurant, with the thin layer of fabric, shielding us from the shimmering sun as the fondling wind accompanying our late lunch.

I fished out my phone from the side pocket of my pants, and steadily typed out a text message for Bomi, with the swift movements of my thumb, pressing the touch screen buttons of my phone. 

Don’t forget to take your lunch, Bbom.

Then, a few seconds later, my phone vibrated, signaling a text,

Fineee, Ho to the Ya ㅜㅜㅜ

Ho to the Ya? You rudeee.

Whatever, blerkkk!

Rudeeee. Btw, I’m having my lunch now.

Umm, with who?

Just a friend. Why?

Nahh, nothing. Enjoy your lunch then ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

I was going to compose another text reply when I suddenly heard Nicole clearing , waving her two fingers at me, as she clicked at her tongue. I guess I was too occupied with exchanging text messages with Bomi that I had almost forgotten that I was supposed to enjoy my lunch with Nicole.

OK. Take care ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

I sent my last text message before I shoved back the phone into my pocket, and shifted my attention towards Nicole, who seemed a little jaded, as she let her fingers played with the thin tube of the straw of her orange juice drink. When our eyes met, she then kept staring at me, as she placed both of her arms on the table. 

“How is it possible for a guy to be this ignorant?" She muttered, as her eyes were still fixed on mine.

“What guy?” I asked, scratching my forehead.

She then shook her head hopelessly, as she continued to sip on her drink. I looked at her, perplexed as ever. Like what I had always said, peculiar Nicole is peculiar.

“Isn't it obvious that when a girl gives a guy a hug, it means that the girl likes him?” She mumbled on her words, however with the sound of the grating car engines passing through the roads made it harder for me to grasp on what she had said. Or perhaps, I wasn't paying enough attention.

“Come again?” I asked, chewing on my lower lip.

She heaved out a sigh, “Nothing. I just said that a candy a day keeps the sadness away, that’s all.”

Nicole didn’t say anything else afterwards, albeit we still had a hearty lunch. 

<<>> 

It was one night, like what I always did, to drop by Bomi’s flower shop, and helped her to arrange things inside the shop before she closed it. I couldn’t recall of how many nights had I spend my time to help her or of how many weekends, had I spent my free times with her. Like I’ve said, I made it my routine; and I made it my full responsibility to take care of her as foolish as I could be.

As I pushed the entrance door opened, and expected for the usual, cheery welcoming greeting from Bomi, however, on that night, instead, I was greeted with a tranquil silence, and only the scrooping noise of the ceiling fan. I cocked my head to right, and then left, searching for her possible silhouette, but then I found nothing in my sight. Only green leaves were dispersed on the wooden-tiled floor, and some flower branches left on the counter. 

"Bbom?"

I called out her name. Nothing replied me. But I could hear a slight brush of movement against the wall, behind that, one wooden cabinet across me. So, with my instinct, I walked towards the cabinet, and saw a helpless figure, sitting quietly alone as she hid herself in the corner of the shop. A phone lay on the floor, next to her left barefoot.

I had no idea what had happened before, but I knew she was struggling and perhaps, she had been crying for a little while, considering the wilted soaked collars of her shirt. So, I crouched down and sat quietly next to her, as I too, leaned myself against the wall and hugged my knees, tightly together. Our shoulders touched a little, but neither of us stirred away.

“I tried to call Changsub-oppa just now,” She whispered, "But then I remember, the place he's at now is unreachable. Silly me. But still, everyday, I found myself dialling his number, you know, just in case if I'll hear his voice again,"

Her soft voice was cracking all over the place, I could sense. So, I reached out for her hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze to comfort her.

“Bbom-ah,”

“How much longer do I have to wait for him?”

I paused, letting the silence passed us by. When I finally found my words, I let out a deep breath. “Just hang in there; for a little more. I promise you, he’ll be back to you, safe and sound,”

She then looked at me, with her swollen eyes, and dark shadows under her disappearing eyes, when she smiled. I should have scrutinized her face earlier, as betimes as the first time that destiny let us met. That selfish side of me; I wished I was the first one to meet her.

I wished, I wished that I would be born again in the next life, as Changsub, though as pathetic as I sounded.

"Hoya-oppa?" She murmured my name, "Can we just stay like this a little longer?"

She then leaned her head closer, and rested it on top of my left shoulder. Her gloomy tears spilled onto my arm, as I pressed down the elevating pain of my chest. The deafening silence of the night, how I wished it was able to conceal the sound of my pounding broken heartbeat, of the shattering sound of paper hearts. 

That night, the melancholy of my unrequited love sunk in, deep through the ocean of tears of my broken heart.