Begin With Kiss
S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R
Credits:[email protected]
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He contemplated before entering one of the doors he had been entering and exiting for more than a thousand or two times. For some reason, he felt nervous and sick to walk past the door today when all along he had managed just fine. Even when he had to limp and struggle each steps in crutches, or worse, simply holding onto the walls he could reach, which happened quite a number of times for as long as he had experienced for the past almost three years, he would walk in bravely, and confidently, being on his comfortable, unrivaled throne as the leader of an idol group composed of eight other kids with so many different colours. Walking through these doors had never been a troubling thought. If he could handle them, nothing could be a bigger challenge.
Saying the whole time being on the leader seat as comfortable though, would be too much of an exaggeration to him. Nobody would know that better than him, or he could be wrong. Sometimes, it scared his wits to no end whenever any of those eight express their admiration and love for him, while candidly listing out some of his deep secret thoughts he never wanted to share with anyone. Maybe, he was more readable than he wanted to be. He hated when they see his weakness, not merely weakness he's willing to share with others, but also the ones he's unwilling to. That's not what a good leader do. A good leader is supposed to be the strong, invincible force that pulls s forward no matter what, for the sake of the whole team, not just them, but also including the people behind them - the managers, staffs, CEO, fans, families, and each and every one that are connected to them, directly or not.
'Good leader, huh? If I ever was one, then today wouldn't have turn out this way. If I'm a good leader, I'd have seen it coming long ago and prevent it. Could've done so much better when I had the chance to.'
He knocked twice on the door, firmly, and dragged himself in, once permission was given.
"Oh, Junyoung-ah, you're here. But...isn't this so late? Why didn't you go back? Where are the others?"
"They've gone back to rest. Don't worry Sajangnim. I'm just...checking out on preparations for tomorrow."
"Don't worry too much. The staffs will take care of it. Just go home and sleep."
"Eh...I thought you were looking for me?"
"That was a few hours ago. Nothing serious anyway. Just want to ask about your ankle. But looks fine."
"Yes, I'm alright. Thank you for the concern."
"Just go back and sleep. Tomorrow will be a busy day."
He bowed, unwillingly turned his back from the old man. For some reason, everytime any of them - be it his group or their labelmates are having comebacks, the company would be opened and operate like daytime, even up until late midnight, well, often not only until midnight, but the whole night until the next morning. Comeback times are always nerve-wracking for everyone. Oddly though, even when they were the ones having comeback and needed to rest early, he had always enjoy spending time inside the company building the night before comeback stage. The aggravating shoutings of the staffs at each other as they organize what needed to be organized; the fast hand movements they would have while working on props; costumes or other promotional materials; the tension, most of s hated the frenzy, but he loved it. It thrilled him - to blend himself in this hardworking crowd. Nothing is too hard for him. Because when the challenges becomes tougher and the workload becomes heavier, the outcome will be sweeter than anything that comes easy. He didn't mind if people find his way of thinking too countrified or unrealistically idealistic. He was brought up to appreciate hardships and he would continue to do that for as long as he could.
But today, he wasn't sure if anything going on and about in the company, the usual frenzy, is warming his heart in the usual way. He wasn't sure if he was still thinking the same way as he always does. In fact, there's only one thing lingering in his head. One thing he couldn't quite get off his mind.
"Sajangnim."
The old man looked up from his files as the kid stood on the other side of his table while holding onto it for support, looking hesitant to leave.
"I'm just wondering...if our comeback don't go well this time...do you...I mean, just, every time we have comebacks, and didn't do well...have you...have you ever thought of giving up on us?" It wasn't exactly what he wanted to ask, but he consoled himself, that he at least, tried.
The elder frowned. That wasn't something he quite expect from the calm, level headed Junyoung that he had seen growing up before his eyes for so many years. The Junyoung he knew doesn't waste time thinking about failures, but strive to do whatever he could to get over it and charge forward. Maybe the injury weighed down on his confidence.
"Yah, what nonsense are you talking? Moon Junyoung, get your act together. People here may be harsh, they may scold you even when you're injured, they don't always tell you sweet things you want to hear. But thinking of giving up? Do you know what is children of empire? This, Star Empire is the company, proudly calling you kids the children of this company, the first idol group released in a long time, our first male idol group. Everyone is watching over you, like a child, our child, my children. Does a parent give up on his children no matter how bad they did in school? Does a child have the right to give up? Pabo. Think of everything the people in this building is doing for you and don't ever think of giving up until everyone really give up on you."
It might sound like scolding. Even the tone was devoid of any warmth. But he knew, and he knew that the old man was well aware that he knew, that those words weren't scolding. It's just a normal way of expressing affection between two strong men. Or supposedly strong. The leaders. Leader of the company, and leader of the group. The old man would have so much more aegyo and emotions with his other members, but not with him. And they both knew it was for the best. But being a person who has more weaknessess than strength, it took him less than a few seconds to struggle with himself to not break down in tears. Not here in front of this man who sees himself as their parent. A man should not cry in front of his parent, his father especially.
"I'm sorry." He quickly threw out a rushing apology and bowed, wanted nothing more than to rush out of the room now.
"Junyoung-ah. Don't worry. This comeback will be successful. Even if it doesn't, it will still be better than the previous one. And the upcoming one will be better than this one. That's how you grow."
He nodded, without a single word anymore, and only let out the breathing he had been holding back inside the room. In the end, he didn't have the heart to ask what he really wanted to ask. But at least he survived from crying again for the millionth of time perhaps.
---
When he finally tore his eyes off the moving car of the manager who dropped him home and helped him out of the vehicle with his crutch, he noticed how empty the surrounding was. Of course, it was already three o'clock in the morning.
But he didn't expect to see the person seated down, legs crossed on the floor outside their home.
"Kwanghee-ya, why aren't you inside sleeping? What are you doing here?"
"And what about you? Coming home this late?"
"Were you waiting for me?" He almost joined to sit next to the elder, until he realized, his injury wouldn't let him do so. Kwanghee who noticed it, stood up instead and helped him to go inside the dorm towards their shared room.
"Well...that and...Kevin also hadn't come back."
"What? Really? Where did he went to? Did you try to call him?"
They reached the room and he slowly sat on his bed.
"Junyoung-ah...I think...everyone knew already. I had a small argument with Kevin because of it, and he's angry at me so he went off." He sighed. When Kwanghee said a 'small argument', he knew it's not as small as it was made to sound. Simultaneously, they both casted a glance at another of their room mate, the catalyst of all their conflicts today, who was soundly asleep on his own bed. His hand, clutching on the corner of the pillow hiding the stack of valuable papers offering a guarantee to make all his dreams come to life.
"Let's talk outside."
"Don't worry. He's already sleeping like elephant. He was even snoring so noisily just now. That drove me out actually. I think he's drunk."
There was a tinge of bitterness in the way he talked, straight and missing emotions that would be a rare occassion for him, but Junyoung knew, Kwanghee couldn't remain angry towards anyone for so long, especially not towards this person - his closest buddy for the past few years. He too, could not be angry towards Siwan no matter how much this issue had been troubling him, ever since the contract under the pillow was discovered. The contents were surprisingly a really attractive deal, one he wouldn't expect to encounter, one he wouldn't expect to be offered to anyone who's not on the level of superstar like Won Bin, or at the very least...perhaps, Lee Seunggi? Yes, Siwan received an offer that was as good or not impossible could have surpassed his own role model he aspire to emulate success from. How could they not be happy for him? How could they not want him to pluck his dreams hanging on the sky, when they themselves wouldn't be able to resist such a desire for success? Such opportunity that doesn't come even in a lifetime for many. How could they not be shameful to hold onto him now, seeing how far their status had crakced and broken apart? Even to live in the same house and breathe the same air felt weird, ever since the discovery of that damn contract made in heaven.
But if anyone, he would know how torn Siwan must've been feeling at the moment. It was his responsibility after all, to really get to know and understand s' state of mind. Just seeing the way Siwan's hand holding onto the pillow like his dear life depended on it, he knew that the elder man with baby face was probably feeling like he had nobody now, and wanted to be hold and be assured on the path he should take. Of course, he could be wrong. It was just his own observation after knowing Siwan these past few years. He still remembered the day Siwan first came into the company. Siwan was a late comer, together with Dongjun, who joined them from the merit they achieved on their own after getting through competitions. Unlike most of them, who came in through connection and friendship with each other, or through his own effort or the President to scout them from wherever they were. He would admit that he did feel good about forming his own team, compared to other idol groups out there who simply accepted what the company gave them. Maybe it was because like what their President said, they're the children of the company. He would want to work, sing, dance, sweat, laugh, cry and succeed together with people he sees potential in building a lifelong companionship with, not just anyone the company deem as having talents or look good enough. But people who would be there for each other till the end. That was his goal. And when Siwan first came in, he didn't feel anything strange until they stood eye to eye to greet each other. He thought the smaller but surprisingly older boy looked so delicate he wondered if the new kid could survive the hardships of being an idol trainee, especially at their not-so-established company, where even the reward they would reap if they become successful, would not be half as great as those in big, prominent agencies, it's a fact that all but the naive would be aware of the moment they came in. But he realized he had underestimated the innocent boyish smile and soft features when the handshake returned to him turned out to be much firmer than he would ever imagine. Even more than his own or the other members he had shook hands with. And as their eyes met, there was a twitch in the way Siwan's lips curved upwards, one that suggested something he couldn't tell at that moment, but manage to made him uneasy that the new boy might have read his mind and was aware that he was being judged, underestimated by the senior trainee, an embarrassing thing to be caught about. But he managed to held his own.
Later on he learnt that indeed he had miscalculated Siwan's strength, which came to be superior in almost every aspect. When there were things he wasn't so good at, like dancing, he would spend even more hours to perfect his skills. In making descisions, he would always let his voice and opinion heard, not one to just stroll along with majority's opinion or decision. In simple words, Siwan has always been hardworking and smart, most importantly, ambitious. He was intimidated by Siwan at first, before started seeing the latter as a rival later on, especially when they were pitted against each other for the leader spot even though at the beginning they told him he would be the leader. He was suspicious of Siwan's courteous manners that only suggested manners but not exactly genuine friendliness. Maybe it was just him, but still, he tried to get along with Siwan. Not just Siwan, but everyone with their own brand of personalities. And it just happened. He didn't know when he started feeling comfortable, but between the rigorous routines they went through as trainees, the delayed debuts, and their exhausting life as unsuccessful rookie idols later on, any intimidation or indifference towards that one elder member who was obsessed with his own self-appearance had completely diminished. And he didn't think much of it anymore. Siwan had become one of the members he admired, for the former's wisdom, responsible and matured nature and attitude that helped him manage the whole group. He felt like he wasn't carrying the burden alone anymore because there's someone so dependable that always offered help. It was a good feeling.
But he forgot, that Siwan has always been an ambitious boy with facade that can never be easily read. He had forgot all of it, and now...it all came back to hit him. Like a tornado, whipping him back, wrapped in the past, once again. Of reality they live in, and the dreams they were trapped in.
Years they tried and struggled. It may not seem so long. No, to him, it wasn't that long. It wasn't even a quarter of Shinhwa's longevity, a veteran idolgroup all other idolgroups wanted to end up like. Together, forever, just like one of their song lyrics suggested. A bond so enviable, build upon loyalty that breeds from genuine love, understanding and friendship. But then again, Shinhwa debuted in SM Entertainment. No matter how hard their past was, it was definitely different than what they went through. And for idolgroups, hitting your third year while still being called a nugu - an unknown or rather, an irrelevant name, is rare. Because usually, they would be ended, terminated, exterminated even before they could reach such age without any success to boast about. To remain nugu for so long is too much risk to be taken by any company set to make a mark. Time runs faster in the small, confined world they're living in, in comparison to the outside world. Yet, they survived, for some miracles and determination, and of course, their company and President, who didn't give up on them. It was a blessing, really. But as their leader, who could only helplessly watch as Kwanghee go selling his soul, pride, feelings and body to the rats of entertainment industry- letting them ridicule and hurt him just to make space to let them know of their existence, and Dongjun, their youngest who had to go through so much physical pain and exhaustion and taking up every other work opportunity that came endlessly his way, without even time to rest, he felt pained. Why was he so useless when he's the leader? Why couldn't he contribute something to lessen their burden? Why couldn't he do anything to make Taeheon, their most unappreciated member to be seen as the person worth as much as he really is rather than only watch his school friend turned bandmate be called with bad names by people who doesn't deserve to say anything? Why couldn't he do anything to let Kevin go back to his hometown to visit his sick family member he was so worried about when they had to fulfill every single schedule without a miss for fear they wouldn't be called again if they didn't do it right? Why couldn't he work out something to provide a more comfortable life and home necessities for members like Hyungsik and probably Heecheol too, who's so used to being spoilt back at home but lived like dirt now with them that he couldn't even face their parents without all the guilt and shame? Why couldn't he fulfill his promise to Minwoo whom he persuaded to join them despite knowing the boy would have a bright future if he scored a place in JYP entertainment where he auditioned earlier? They were still losers of the industry. And the only thing he was good at, was stressing himself over it, losing focus and ended up injuring himself at every other chance. And then getting all emotional tearing up for every little thing when he had no rights to cry for his inability as a leader who should've protected s better. Who should've done something instead of just feeling sorry all the time. Was that something to be admired as a good leader?
'Not even worth to be called one.' He scolded.
They longed and pined to taste this kind of success for so long. So long...until they've forgotten the desire was even there, once upon a time ago. Maybe, they weren't meant to achieve success together afterall, maybe dreaming of becoming Shinhwa really was too much. They were young and silly back then too. But now, they're growing up, forced to grow up even if they still act the same silly way as ever. This may be his only chance to be a good leader, for once.
"Yah, Junyoung-ah...I'm calling you. Are you even listening?"
"Huh?...Yeah...what were you saying again?" He stared at Kwanghee, but struggled to see what he was looking at, and to pull his mind away from all the looming thoughts of their past, present and future.
"So, what should we do about this? I mean...what do you want to do?"
That's right. They always depended on him, like that. No matter how much they had grown, they still depended on his decision. Because he's their leader. Moon leader. A flash of thought suddenly rushed through and out of his mind. A thought of how he would spend his days and life, as a normal non-idol guy, after everything ended for them. Surprisingly, the thought didn't frighten him the way it used to. Maybe this is the right thing to do afterall.
"What about you?" Nevertheless, he still ended up asking back for others' opinion, collecting their voices before making a collective decision that would make everyone happy. He's used to it. Even if he thought he now need to learn to live without it and just think on his own, for his own life. Without their presence.
He found himself staring for real at the glower on Kwanghee's face, before the latter finally sighed, resigned and said the words he expected Kwanghee to say.
"If it makes him happy...maybe it's for the best."
He nodded, barely could smile as remorse and disappointment strangely lurched into his lungs. Strangely, because despite knowing that that's the vote Kwanghee would cast and that's what he should do, there was a glimpse of remaining hope, that somebody, just somebody would tell him to not do the right thing, but do the thing that felt right for their own sake, not merely for Siwan. Maybe it's bound to be this way. This was his opportunity to repay Siwan's perserverance, hardwork and all he had done - always silently helping and supporting him to lead ZE:A without taking away his undeserved role as a leader. This illusion of achieving success as a group someday, far far away from now, should end already, and if this wasn't the perfect time.
He just felt a little heavy hearted, a little more worried, of how all of them would be affected. It is going to be a gamble to take up on this decision. Anything could happen from here. It could flourish for some of them, it could turn worse for some of them, it could even be the end for the rest of them. Where would he stand within such options? And what about everything they've went through thus far? Will they all become dusts blown by the wind, forgotten like ghost, because it's too embarrassing to keep the memories of your years remaining as failures without moving on and finally did it, only when chances to actually rise up appear, just because of the dreams of one member who probably wouldn't even remember your name a year after? Would he still remember them after a year, building his busier than ever career and footing in the industry as A-class actor and singer? Would Siwan?
"But we can still remain friends, right? I mean...I might be angry at him for a little while but still...he's a part of us. Will always be, right?"
He nodded, with that weak, reassuring smile again. The only kind he could perform now.
Of course, Kwanghee doesn't know what he was planning to do, when this valuable friend of his casted that vote to support Siwan. Kwanghee probably thought he was thinking of letting Siwan go. Just that. If only he knew...
'Maybe now, I will finally be able to do something a good leader should do. Finally. Siwan-ah, don't blame yourself. This is the right thing to do. It's not just because of you. If it was another member, I'd want to do the same too. Rise up above and make us proud.'
He found solace in the finality of his thoughts and was determined not to fall asleep. Because he could never wake up early even when he sleep early, and tomorrow is going to be a long day. As much as he needed strength, he's more worried about changing what had been decided. What he needed to do now is to explain to the members and let them know why this decision would be the best. He was sure they would understand. They always do. Their President would be disappointed too, but he would understand as well, a father always forgive their children in the end, why wouldn't he?
The pain might be difficult to bear now, but he prayed that time would heal everything. All they need to do now, is to take this as a wake up call, to find their own future and calling, making the first step forward, begin with kissing the reality, the reality that was so far different from the pretty colours of dream they used to paint together in the skies.
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ranting:
wow guys...i'm just so dizzy now...i'm totally drained out now but at least i'm happy i achieved my goal of not-quitting-until-i-write-at-least-all-members side of the story. since Junyoung is the last n he's the leader...this was extra hard on me. again, sorry for making him so pessimist n insecure of his own worth n if his character annoyed you. i had to though i don't find him a hopeless leader at all ok. tbh i wanted to write their darker side...but then ZE:A feels gotten over me n in the end, Siwan was probly the baddest one probly cuz he's more fictional-this feel so outdated considering the hot stuff now is hyungsik..but i can't touch anything on it since hyungsik popularity wasn't present at this timeframe...oh well..., n i'm still not satisfied that heecheol chap didn't really talk much on him...but yeah well...too lazy to edit anything...even editing for this chap took over 3 hours. n outcome is still kinda....underwhelming(?)...n sorry for the winding sentences...i really have a problem with keeping the sentences short. lol. any question pls just ask n i'll try my best to answer. whew...not sure when i'll be able to update again. but i just wanna say i'm happy to have completed for all members...we're nearing the end^^. probly gonna take some break again n go write other fics. btw, Begin with Kiss is actually my fav song in Spectacular. it's so clean cut classic style that can't be found easily anymore in kpop...loveloveloveit.n kwanghee has part...loveitmore...n minu.....haa. n siwannn...but just notice junyoung's part so damn small.... though other songs in the album are so awesome as well...the simplicity of this song endeared it to me. amiwritingasongreviewhere? (though Begin with Kiss is so not fitting for this angsty fic that i had to listen to step by step instead while writing this chap...xD) lol. kbye.overranted again. and i'm so honoured n overwhelmed by your feedbacks. thanks much. <3
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