Love is Gone
S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R
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'Kwanghee hyung, please.'
Heecheol's haunting pleas rang in his ears, still. In fact, he had thought of doing the same to Siwan, the member he had considered as one of his closest friend, despite the latter always have only negative things to say about him and hardly treated him with decent respect. He knew Siwan never meant any harm. He knew Siwan always apologized when it was just the two of them. And he knew he never took that much offense as much as it sometimes did hurt him, because it was he himself who always told the members to just talk bad about him in interviews and variety shows if they're nervous, because he would know how to bounce back and buy more airtime for their group from the insults thrown at him. He believed he just had that talents to turn lemons into lemonades, and they didn't even need any sugar for that.
He did everything for the group. Well, it was for himself as well. He wouldn't deny that he enjoyed seeing his name making the headlines, though most of the time, it would be for hurtful reasons. Which is also the reason he had plead to his family members to not read any news about him and avoid watching him on TV because 'he's so awesome they'd be jealous.' He knew that they knew he was just making up a crappy lie, he knew it from the way they eyed him with looks filled with sympathy whenever he came back home, which is why he'd rather kept himself busy and avoid having any day off to reconnect with people in his life, apart from 'them'-s, his managers, his staffs, his life.
He didn't want people to feel sorry for him, because the sacrifices he made were worth all the pain. Not only he helped his group became more well known and at least become a little more respected, he also elevated his status to be warranted the permission to sat on the same level and mingle around with the 'A list' idols. Yes, A listers; the ones who never had to work as hard or sacrifice as much as them to achieve even a quarter success than what they've achieved, which isn't much. Nobody ever said life is going to be fair, and that's what he kept telling himself whenever he was made into a joke. And that was also how he console his self whenever people noted how he was far more relevant than his group members. Or far less talented than them at everything apart from making embarassing jokes on himself. That , was also what he told himself when he first got an offer to have his contract with his company terminated.
He never even thought of leaving. The moment he received the offer that actually came from a better-off company, he knew it was just a piece of recognition of his worth. But s didn't need to know about it. And he rejected the offer there and then. He knew he didn't need to run away to make it big. He knew he could be the key to help ZE:A gain success-even if everyone said they had no chance, no future. He had been with the company longer than any of s, longer than even their leader, Junyoung. And he had just as much confidence as he did when he first signed with the company. He refused to call it love or loyalty, because that'd give him too much of a burden of being the perfect, noble, pure hearted soul- that would not fit with his image, and his image is all he had to hold on to, in order to remain important and relevant in his group, as well as to the entertainment business.
Loyalty is something he secretly regard high upon though. And after Siwan's new unsigned contract offer with another company was found, he did try to seek for consolation by confirming that Siwan too, would definitely need not think twice to stay, like himself. He was jealous of Siwan's success. He wouldn't deny that. He was jealous of the offer too. But at the same time, he was damn proud of his friend, who once was just considered a forgettable pretty face no matter how hard Siwan tried. This new success had made Siwan happier, at least in the first few months, before he gradually changed, little by litte, most probably against Siwan's own realization.
When he finally found the courage to ask what would Siwan do if being offered something better, Siwan did not answer. And that's enough of an answer to him. He never felt as much betrayed as this. It felt like all his sacrifices were just a waste. He thought Siwan would take the baton from him and continue to grace their position in the entertainment industry map. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe it was just he and Dongjun that were stupid enough to hold on so hard onto something that isn't going to be booming big. Maybe that's what Siwan now thought of them for not leaving when they're at their peak. Just plain idiots.
On their comeback stage today, he saw Siwan again not smiling on stage, unlike the way he used to be. And immediately went away to be by himself after they reached their apartment. He knew what was on Siwan's mind. The contract- he had seen that tomorrow is the last day for Siwan to sign it, if he wanted to fled away. And he knew Siwan's giving a really serious thought about it that it distracted him from everything else, even their long-awaited comeback. The comeback they had put their lives on, working so hard, harder than any idols had ever worked. They had always savour each and every of their comeback stages, being completely aware that it might be their last comeback before disbandments upon their failure to shine brightly. Yet, they survived every trials and tribulations. They kept getting chances to work harder, shine brighter than before. That alone, is enough to help them maintain the passion on stage. Each time, giving all they had for the comeback stages, pouring all the deepest desire and dreams that still hadn't come true. Everything they had. Only to be met with disappointment time and again. But they never lost hope or faith. None of them, until the stage just now, where Siwan evidently had lost his portion of that undying spirit they had all tried to preserve all this while.
"Damnit Siwan!" He clenched his teeth, trying not to let the words be loud enough to be heard by another person other than himself.
'He didn't need us anymore. His love is gone for ZE:A, for us.'
It made him wondered now, how would his life had change if he had accept his own contract offer. A thought he never thought of wasting his time to ponder on, but now, had tainted his mind and seeped through all over him until it was the only thing he could think of.
'Do I have a better shot out of this group? But I can't imagine not being a part of this...no matter how insignificant I am in the songs and stages. I had no courage to stand and sing alone as a singer. But eventually they will leave when better opportunities arise. Why didn't I, when I had the chance? Because I was a fool?'
He himself were hardly significant in their songs. He was aware of it, nobody couldn't possibly be. He was just there to be the comedian. The 'plastic surgery', embarrassing chatterbox icon. To get people talking about ZE:A for stupid reasons. He was hardly considered a singer, unlike his other members. Though he had never forgotten that his dream was originally to be a singer. That reminiscence prompted him to enter the unlit instrument room, where a grand piano was located, alongside a few other musical instruments.
The room held so many memories of their training days.
He glanced at the piano briefly from the door with the help of the dim lights from the corridor outside the room. Siwan used to say he wanted to learn piano. They both used to violate the piano with their rhythmless, horrendous random hits on the keys. They both shared big dreams, had great ambitions and insatiable desire to come on top. That was how they bonded in the first place. The point of similarity and understanding. Before success really shoved itself onto their faces at a different time and situation, and made him now questioning if this is what he really wanted, because he didn't feel the least good about it now. Everything just felt too bitter.
Before he could further replay the dusty, forgotten moments, a very familiar tune broke him off his thoughts. There was actually somebody playing the piano. Well, there wasn't, moments ago, but there is now. The tune of the song they had always sing and dance to on stage, back when they were all totally nobodies, before they even debut. Their very first song, New Star. The song that reminded him further of all the sweat and tears and laughters and fights and compromises they went through at that time, just to get the chance to stand on official stage as idols.
It was unbelievable.
The piano sound suddenly came to a halt. And he frantically tried to brush off his nostalgic feelings and leave the room, unnoticed. He didn't need any confrontation now. He hated the feelings looming over all of them tonight. All no thanks to Siwan.
"What are you doing here?"
He was caught, obviously failed to leave without being noticed. The person who asked that question probably had noticed him even before started playing the piano, as he was too busy with his own pointless thoughts.
"Leaving." He answered truthfully, not seeing the need to sugarcoat anything.
"Kwanghee, ...do you hate me?"
"What?" He couldn't believe the randomness of the question that popped up and made him forget about his earlier resolution to leave without confrontation. Instead, he entered further into the room, just two steps inside, but no further than that.
"Yah, Kevin...what is wrong with you?"
"Just wondering...do you hate me?"
He scoffed at how the other person daringly asked him the question again, despite his annoyance at its ridiculousness.
"What do you expect me to say? I love you? I can't live without you? What's with the strange question?" His voice grew louder at every question that followed. He was bothered enough by Siwan, he didn't need extra burden for the night.
"You've been worrying about Siwan, don't you? You're always worrying about him." Kevin started to play the piano again, turning his back from Kwanghee again, and continued from the line he stopped just now from their pre-debut song, New Star.
He had no idea how much that song add to Kwanghee's irritation and turmoil. Kwanghee pondered over the statement he had just heard. 'But why is he complaining if I care about Siwan? Doesn't he? He's always with Hyungsik. Did I complain?'
"He's leaving." He didn't know what made him uttered that. But he did. And with bated breath, he waited, hoping for some consoling words of wisdom from their eldest member, whom he had always admired silently. If anything, Kevin is the epitome of comfort, peace, perfection, charisma, talents, kindness and insert all good adjectives. Even when they went through tough times, he always try to console himself that they had Kevin, their own secret weapon. One day, Kevin too would shine. And nobody would say ZE:A is talentless anymore then. Because they had a very impressive representative of perfection. Kevin not only can sing perfectly, he also could play music perfectly, write songs, dance perfectly, cook perfectly and to top it all were his perfect manners and heart. Even though his own inferiority towards Kevin often made it hard for him to display his real feelings of pride and admiration, it didn't change the unseen fact.
"So?"
Kwanghee couldn't believe his ears. He froze, unable to process the two letters he just heard.
"You know eventually it'd end. Siwan has found his opportunity to fly high. Let him go. You might be next, anyway."
Kwanghee tried to replay the words again and again, but still he failed to find any sadness, wistful, remorse, in the tone. Kevin sounded rational and that was it. There was no hints of emotions he was expecting. But why? Where had the caring, concerned Kevin who always take care of them and never showed second thought on displaying his love and support for all the members, gone? What happened to the Kevin he know, or the one he thought he knew all these while? Who is this man who can still play the piano, as beautifully as Kevin, while everything else about him rings strange, un-Kevin-like?
Or maybe he's still the same person.
Maybe it's just his feelings that changed. Maybe it's his love that had faded with time. Just like Siwan.
Maybe it's just that...the love that used to be engraved in their young and innocent, struggling selves,...maybe that love is gone.
All of them.
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author's ranting
finally updated!!! sorry if this is the lamest piece of crappy writing you've ever seen. so it took me so long to update cuz as u can see...this fic is all moody n angsty somewhat....and i can't write it when my mood is good...and lately..my mood is great seeing ZE:A's comeback n all...though i must say this fic is really inspired by my observation n worries of their real situation....but of course, it's fictionized since i don't read their minds(i wish i could)...and noticed the Kwanghee pic i used here is from Phoenix n not Spectacular....well, screw it...i really love this pic of him much better than his Spectacular pics so....haha...and thank you so much for the comments n subscribes. <3 'ya~
ps: hey, i tried to reply to comments using the new AFF feature..not sure if it worked....ugh..how confusing.
so...how'd you like the song Love is Gone? any idea for what song should be used for next chap...?
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