후유증 (Aftermath)
S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R
Credits: thesuitelife765@youtube + zea2011@youtube
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The morning had come, after a long night. The boys all slept with different thoughts occupying their heads, their minds, their dreams, for those who slept that is. But no matter how different their thoughts were, strangely that night, all of the different thoughts were somehow connected in a way or the other, with a string that could never be seen nor felt. But was there.
"Hyung...Junyoung hyung...why are you sleeping like this? Isn't it uncomfortable?"
Junyoung squinted as he opened his eyes in the bright daylight. A concerned pair of eyes boring into his face. The face and clothing told him that the boy had taken his shower.
He was late, again. Some things were just hard to change. Habits. He sighed.
"Where's everyone?"
"Having breakfast. Hyung, let's go eat."
He was relieved to hear the answer...until the taller boy continued.
"But Siwan hyung had went out for his sitcom filming. And Kevin hyung is nowhere to be found. Does he have schedule too, hyung?"
When they reached the dining table and his younger group member carefully helped him to sit down comfortably on the chair, he noticed how empty the table looked even though it wasn't deprived in human presence, though not everyone were there. Seeing Hyungsik hurriedly scooped porridge into a bowl and ready to fled, he realized he hadn't even started on what he planned to do, and already he was shaking inside, not knowing a single thing to do or say when he was sure he had made the best decision he could, just a few hours back.
"Hyungsik-ah, where are you going?"
"Taking porridge and medicine to Dongjun. He had been sick since last night. But he will be fine after eating."
'Sick?' The words died inside his lungs.
Then he noticed the other three people at the dining table. Minwoo and Taeheon looking as tensed as he had ever seen them. In fact Minwoo looked like he could just throw a punch at anyone who pisses him off, which was, something he had never seen on Minwoo. Taeheon was just quiet. Too quiet that he didn't even bother brightening up his morning by at least greeting him, saying hi or at least a smile, like he always does. Heecheol looked sick. His face was pale, his eyes darker than usual.
"Where's Kwanghee?"
Nobody at the table answered him. Luckily Hyungsik still hadn't gone into the room and heard the question.
"Kwanghee hyung went outside. He injured himself while helping cook the porridge just now."
And then Hyungsik disappeared behind his room's door, without sparing anymore time to answer anymore questions, leaving him in silence.
Of course.
Of course, Kwanghee would injured himself. He was never that expert at handling the kitchen. Kevin is. They need Kevin for that.
Of course Dongjun would fell sick. The young boy with aged mentality worked endlessly without complaining or taking a rest at all, foolishly thinking it's the youngest responsibility to endure as much burden as possible and that taking a rest would be a sin, for him. But not for the others. How silly. He wouldn't even allow anyone to lend a shoulder for him to lean on. But at least Hyungsik managed to do just that from what he's seeing.
Of course Hyungsik would be the one Dongjun allowed himself to rest on. Hyungsik, with all his cuteness innocence but brave enough to be a hyung when situations call for it.
Of course the breakfast itself lacked warmth. They need Taeheon for that. To check whether everyone got their food, and helped to feed the sleepy ones or cheer the grumpy ones.
Of course Minwoo was grumpy for once. His Kwanghee hyung who always crack up jokes to make his contagious laugh echoes throughout the house was not there doing what only he does best.
Of course Heecheol was lost. He was afraid to see Siwan leaving. Afraid to see everything crumbling. Probably, afraid seeing how everything wasn't the way they had always been in the past. Afraid, because even their leader was doing nothing to stop whatever that made them rolling down the hill out of a sudden when it was supposed to be the time they've been waiting for - to climb up, rise to the sky.
Of course, he could do nothing. What else could he do? Pretend that everything was alright? Or beg Siwan to not leave them? And then tell the others who had seen the contract to just act like they never saw it? And then continue living the rest of his life in guilt whenever he sees Siwan who's dragged down in slump with them when he could've escaped? Continue living the rest of his life swallowing the gaze of the other members who probably would always be doubtful and insecure, of what their future holds, considering their leader had begged a member who was to achieve success on his own to be tied down. They would think 'What would happen when I get popular?'. No matter what the decision would be, everyone would be hurt anyway. There's nothing they could do but face up to whatever's unfolding from the fragments of their past dreams. They hadn't even end it, and already everyone seemed to have drowned in the aftermath. Will they be able to make it out of it, alive? He wasn't sure. How would he know about the others when he's completely unsure about his own self?
"M...Minwoo-ya." His voice quivered even as he struggled to maintain his calm pretense.
Minwoo heard his group leader called for him. The man he respected and obeyed the most in their group, all these while. The man they all obeyed the most, and trusted the most. Especially the kids. His kids. He may seem like the cheerful kid his hyungs see as cute and need to be protected from the evils of the world at all cost. Of course he was grateful for it, but at the same time he found it silly. From all the scratches he had to gather himself, something was happening to them, something that wasn't just the kind of frictions they're used to - like arguing over frustratingly unfair distribution of song parts or payment for their equally draining hardwork for their group activities, or the lack of popularity and individual schedules for some of them, or biased screentime on their tv appearances, or Sajangnim's and other people in the industry's blatant favoritism for some of them, even down to little things like jealousy over each others' hair styles and outfits, fighting over food or bathroom, and how some would skip doing house chores with excuse of being busy and tired. They're just ordinary people, not angels. They've gone through all those petty fights, jealousy and trading poisonous words when things got out of hand. But in the end, they knew as a team, where their career depend on each other and not individually like other jobs out there, he knew that everyone knew how to sweep their dissatisfaction for each other to the side and look to the bright side to survive the coming days in the company of each other without carrying the ill feelings along. Junyoung especially, always knew what to say to make everyone at ease, to make everyone realize how stupid they were for fighting with each other instead of loving each other. Because why shouldn't they? They've lived with each other for so many years. Practiced with each other, shared silly jokes, pranks and heartfelt conversations about their dreams of the future and even trashtalk about the company together, cooked, ate, bathed, cleaned, slept together, whined about the hot, sleepless nights and mosquitoes due to Sajangnim's stinginess to give them an air conditioner or at least decently working fans at home. They had other friends out there, but none that shared even a quarter of what they shared with each other for the past few years. Even if the years after they had debuted went by so fast once their jobs picked up, those few years they spent together as trainees felt like a lifetime, and with almost every second spent together, in everything, naturally, they became as close as it could get. Like siblings. Or...even closer than siblings. Not because they wanted to, but simply because of their life situations that matched perfectly with nobody else but each other. They had become that close. The messy bonding that caused them to know every inch of each other inside out. They had become that close that not even intense fights and flaring temper could change the core of their co-existence. And even if such thing threatened when they broke down, there's always Junyoung to keep everything in place and remind them of the simple fact that even the idea of fighting each other is stupid.
But clearly, that wasn't the case this time. Even as their respected leader called his name, from the corner of his eyes, he could see that Junyoung couldn't even plant a firm gaze on him, even the voice was filled with uncertainty. Even Taeheon refused to say anything. Taeheon, who would never have the heart seeing s tortured or even being in the slightest pain or tiredness and would rather volunteer himself to do anything he could to ease the burden and pain of s even though they never asked for it, even that Taeheon coldly remained silent and unaffected at his pleas.
This wasn't one of those silly fights. There was not even a fight. This was something worse. Somebody is leaving - that's what he heard, but if that was so, why had no one confessed about it yet? This was something bad. And judging by the way Junyoung and Taeheon acted, it's something that would affect all of them. And yet those two hyungs still tried to hid it from him. He wondered who else knew about it? But he could bet Hyungsik and Dongjun weren't informed too, just like himself. Because they're the maknaes that needed to be sheltered, so called. But those hyungs failed to see that this would only hurt them all the more, and they forgot that he too, is a hyung, an elder brother, to Hyungsik and Dongjun. And he wouldn't let his younger brothers be hurt from all this. He just didn't know how to stop this silent madness when he was denied of any information.
"Minwoo-ya, call for Hyungsik and Dongjun to come out. Taeheon-ah, call Kevin to get home and tell Kwanghee to come here as well."
He took a deep breath. Could this be it?
"But Dongjunie is sick."
"Junyoung hyung asked for everyone to gather in the kitchen. Seems like he want to drop a bomb."
He studied the elder's face carefully. Considering Minwoo's usually playful words and carefree nature and his love to trick the members, Hyungsik had mastered the elder's expressions when Minwoo's serious and not playing around as he often did. Because if they don't learn to understand each other without exchanging words, there would probably be more bottled up conflicts, because nobody would initiate to express their own feelings when it concerns negativity of serious nature. Like now. Not that he usually had many things to talk over with his hyungs anyway, so he just observed them, and he was glad he did. Because now he knew that Minwoo's irritated over something serious, he just didn't know what.
"Bomb?" Nevertheless, he still could not control his cluelessness that came naturally, causing Minwoo's rough mood to soften as he chuckled and muttered 'pabo'. And even though Hyungsik never liked to be called that, (who would?), he was glad if that could make Minwoo lighten up. Minwoo had always been a hyung filled with positive energy that it scared him to see the anger in the former's eyes just a couple of seconds ago.
"Is Kevin hyung back?"
They both turned to the voice. And both shook their head, after hesitating. Even if they wanted to hid the truth from Dongjun, they knew the youngest is too smart for that.
Dongjun sighed.
"Yah, don't worry about Kevin hyung, he's an adult. He can take care of himself." Hyungsik spoke out, trying to calm the maknae who really shouldn't worry himself over someone else's condition when he himself was down with sickness, looking vulnerable than they had ever seen of him. Minwoo looked on, glad that Hyungsik was never a fool when it comes to important matters that requires quick thinking, though he would never tell that to the latter.
"Let's go."
"To where?"
"I heard you two talking just now...Junyoung hyung wanted us in the kitchen, right?"
"But you're..."
"Can you walk? Or do you need any help?"
"I can." He struggled a grin to Minwoo, who understood him better than to persuade and insist for him to stay in bed when it obviously would not work, unlike Hyungsik, who's slower at understanding his determination, yet he knew, cared for him in the way that nobody else could, in the way that didn't require much understanding of what he say he wants.
Because not everything he says, is always what he really wants.
He knew something was coming up, or Junyoung hyung wouldn't tell them all to gather when he knew someone was sick. It must be something that really bothered the hyungs to ask for them to be included. Even though he's not feeling well, they knew he would be strong enough. And even if he's not, he had to be. They needed his strength more than ever, now. He had to be strong.
He just hoped Kevin too, would be strong enough, wherever he had disappeared to. He's the eldest, the coolest, and to him, the strongest, if even Kevin lost his strength now, what about the rest of them? Dongjun didn't think his own strength would be enough to be transferred to all of them, not now when he felt so fragile.
He sighed.
Another message came in, just as he walked into their shared house's compound. It was cowardly of him to run away, like what he did last night. But it was all he needed at the time. All he needed to survive. He needed to be away from them. To clear his head, the mess in his conscience that used to be clearer than crystal, glass, water. Always clear. But had unknowingly grew murky that it frightened him, to the point that he was too afraid to face them. What if they saw right through his tainted mind, like Kwanghee did?
But after the long night had passed, as he sat by a roadside, watching nothing changed but the colours of the sky, he was able to grasp on something, even amidst the murkiness of his mind. Something very simple yet he had failed to see earlier.
That nothing would change or be cleared again, until he face the music, or in this case, his group members. The people he had let himself depend on for over five years. Physically, it was ridiculous to think that he depended on them, he never did. Being alone without anyone by his side was something he had gotten used to the moment he stepped off the airplane to begin his life as a trainee, after Junyoung and the kids succesfully persuaded him to leave the comfort of his family and management in Australia, for an idol dream that honestly didn't sound all that convincing to him at first. But it was their earnestness that made him wanted to try and see where this could lead him. He wasn't one to shy from challenges and difficulties. He believed that. So, why now did he ran away when faced with just another adversity? Sure, Siwan, leaving them isn't 'just another small problem'. But in the past, every time they were faced with something that threatened their existence as a group, none of the problems felt small either, until they overcame it and things just gradually mend itself with time and spirit, together with their trust and dependence on each other, to keep going, to not crumble.
He had always depended on them, emotionally. If he hadn't, he wouldn't still be there with them. He would've ran away, or he would've gone out of his mind. It was because they were there, he survived. Why then should he be scared now? They would make through this, as long as they're together. They'd be able to think of something, eventually. As they always did. All he need is to regain that fading faith.
"Did he reply?" He heard the voice that still made him uneasy, for pointing out his flawed, sickly side he never thought existed, but he didn't want to be scared of it any longer. He wanted to make things right. Even if they had to get into physical fight in the process, which he doubt they would, considering they're both matured adults, if that would help their defiled path to be cleaned and mend the broken pieces, he would be up for it. Even though he still felt uneasy after all said and done last night.
"Kwanghee hyung, just go in first. I'll wait for him here."
"He must really hate me now. You know I don't mean all those stupid things I say, right, Taeheonie? What if he went...suicide?"
"Hyung...Kevin hyung isn't stupid to do that. You should worry about yourself first. How's your injured hand? Will you...be able to perform?"
He raised an eyebrow. Kwanghee was injured? Why? How? Was it because of him? And why did Taeheon sounded so listless?
"Yah! Kim Taeheon! Now only you're asking!"
He heard Taeheon laughed, lightly. And simultaneously, a smile formed on his own face, a smile that had felt so stiff and foreign after the distressing night. He was relieved.
Of course, Kwanghee would be able to turn the gloomiest day into laughter.
"No, I'm not going in until Kevin gets home safely. Or I can't face Junyoung and all of them. It's all my fault. You go in first, Taeheonie."
Of course, why would he even think that his stubborn Kwanghee hyung would listen to him? According to Kwanghee, the youngers must listen to the elders, even if he meant it as a joke, but still...he made a valid point.
There's nothing he could say to stop Siwan, nothing any of them could. Because Siwan is older than most of them. They were just to wait for the elder ones to make decisions and accept their fates. But the more time passed, the deeper his hollowness grew.
The unselfish part of him wanted to see Siwan, who had always been so considerate and matured and dependable for all of them, to be able to reach something for his own self and future. He always thought that someone as good looking and intelligent, and witty and confident and talented and kind as Siwan should have made it big long ago, and now that the opportunity finally came, he was surprised and bothered that he wasn't as happy as he should be.
Because the other selfish part of him had grown so fond of Siwan's calm yet funny and casually caring nature to see him leaving them. That selfish part of him had grown so fond of Kwanghee's hyperness and cheerfulness whenever he's chatting with Siwan or mostly just irritating the latter to be able to imagine how would he adapt with the Kwanghee that had no Siwan to keep him energized. That selfish part of him didn't want to see the maknaes sad because Siwan's leaving them. Having to steel himself to deal with Minwoo's cries and pleadings the night before and his hurt-filled glare this very morning was torturous enough. That selfish part of him didn't want to see Heecheol turning into a lost ghost because that kid was so sure Siwan would always be there to take care of him forever and defending him or helped soften the situation with his wisdom whenever Heecheol got in fight with other members, or help Heecheol apply medicine whenever he injured himself during practices because he couldn't be bothered doing it himself. That selfish part of him didn't want to see Junyoung in such a troubled condition, because Junyoung always wouldn't eat when he's troubled, and he had gotten skinny enough lately that it pained him to see his friend that was already worried and apologetic about his own injuries to have to be worried about Siwan leaving them now. That selfish part of him didn't want Kevin to leave them too, just because he sees that Siwan is leaving them as well, and lost faith in their future because he knew Kevin had endured so much just to stay with them, and it would be unfair for him to let go of everything now.
That selfish part of him just didn't want to see Siwan leave. Because it made him felt lost, weak, sad, just like the others. And he had promised himself that the next time he cried, he wanted it to be when they won a first place in music show, in front of their fans who had loyally cheered them on, despite all the years of having no such victory. He had been shedding tears too easily all these while, and he wanted to become strong.
So, as the eldest ones, couldn't Kevin or Kwanghee at least do something to stop Siwan from leaving them? Because he knew none of the rest of them had a say. And because his selfish side is telling him that nobody is willing to let Siwan go even if they wanted to. Couldn't anyone save them from the hurt? Couldn't he be selfish for once?
"Let's go in. It's cold outside here."
He stared at the beholder of the voice that suddenly appeared, the one he had been waiting for, yet found himself unprepared to even greet naturally now when he had already perfectly rehearsed his apology lines countless of times in his head throughout the night.
"Kevin hyung, you're back?"
He saw a nodding gesture even without looking straight at the owner of the aforementioned name.
"Let's go in for breakfast, Junyoung is waiting inside."
He wanted to yell at Taeheon and stopped him from leaving them, but deep down he knew that Taeheon always knew the right timing to appear or leave s to settle their conflicts. It amazed him that even without getting into any verbal nor physical disagreement himself, Taeheon always knew. And now, Taeheon left them so they could clear off their argument, as always, before going inside to meet the rest. They didn't need a third party of course, they shouldn't need one. Because they're the eldest. The one everyone else depend on to lead the maturity of the group. Yet, remembering the past, even when they got into petty arguments, Siwan would always be the middle man, because both him and Kevin had always been too different in expressing themselves. But Siwan was unlike them. He had the smarts to reach out to anyone without offending them. He had a way of putting together the most difficult puzzles, and he had a way of gluing together the most unattachable pieces of personalities.
And what would happen when he's no longer around?
Even if he had decided to let Siwan go for everyone's sake, he wondered how would they handle it the next time they have a fight, with no Siwan to be the amiable spokesperson? Should he call Siwan to ask for advice? But would Siwan still have the time to answer his calls then? Why would Siwan even care about their fights anymore when he's no longer part of them?
Nevertheless, it's something they need to learn to get used to, and now would be the right time to start facing what they'd be living with in the next months and years without Siwan, as prickly painful as that idea stabbed him.
"Let's go inside."
"Wait." He fidgeted but reminded himself that it's time to grow up and stop depending on Siwan everytime he messed up.
"I'm...sorry for last night...you...of course you'll become popular. It's just a...matter of time." He thought his voice almost disappeared, and the apology fell short than all his rehearsals of it, but at least it was a decent first step rather than brushing it off and pretending everything's alright when they weren't.
"I should be the one to apologize, because I pushed you...and I am...uhh, well...can we just drop it and forget it?"
"If that means you forgive me."
"Duh...what else would it mean? Silly. Let's go."
"But something feels off...don't you think?"
"I know what." Kevin grinned and extended a handshake. "Friends?"
He laughed. No wonder. All these while, whenever anyone fought and if Junyoung was not around to tell them off, Siwan would always be the one to guide them to untangle their discords and ended with making them shake hands. It had always been that school teacher method with Siwan. He had made fun of that method in the past, but silently they had all accepted it as the best way.
"Friends." He took the hand and smiled.
"Are you...are you going to talk about Siwan hyung l...leaving?"
He waited and waited but Junyoung remained unresponsive.
"Did Siwan hyung told you of his decision already? Huh? Junyoung...is he going to sign the contract?"
"Heecheol-ah, let's wait for the others." He tore his eyes away from the gaze and voice that was completely devoid of any warmth. So unlike their leader he had been used to. He was scared. Scared that he was the reason Siwan would leave them-his loud mouth and unfiltered words that could've hurt Siwan. Scared that Junyoung is mad at him now. Scared of how the others will react. Scared of having no one to care about him anymore. Even in the past, Siwan had always been the one who cared the most for him, and yet, how did he return the love? By bringing up about how Siwan had changed in the press conference for their comeback? If only he knew better, he wished he could turn back time and be as obedient as Hyungsik, or as quiet as Taeheon or as hardworking as Dongjun, so that he could contribute more to the group and help them become popular instead of pissing the hyung he adored the most, so that Siwan wouldn't have to leave them because they're popular enough to deserve him and his newfound fame and status.
The sad thing is, he couldn't. And to think of how Siwan always chose him as the funniest member when the others would choose Hyungsik if not Kwanghee, it pained him even more. What kind of sick sense of humour does he own to offend the very person who always stood by him and made him feel that he's not completely worthless as he often believed himself to be? He never felt as ashamed of himself as now.
"Oh, everyone's here already?"
They nodded, except for Kevin.
"Siwan's not here."
"He has schedule."
"Then, why are we having meeting without him? Something important? Is it about the comeback stage this evening?"
Junyoung took a deep breath. He was about to break the news nobody was expecting. He knew he should've tried to eat something to get energy to put everything in place and calm them down when they go berserk on him the moment they hear what he had to say, but he had no appetite for even a spoonful. He could no longer bear the burden on his own.
"Let's end it. For Siwan and for each of us. For everyone's sake."
"End what?" Hyungsik questioned, looking genuinely confused, adding guilt that had been eating inside the group's leader.
"Let's break up...disband. Let's end 제국의 아이들, ZE:A. Tonight."
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ranting: hey~ so anyone miss this story/waiting for this update? no? nah....thought so. heh. sorry, again...i took hiatus due to concentrating on floral rain. sorry if the writing or felt off or overdramatic. i'm always bad at continuing when i've stopped for awhile....T^T...n i hope the mixed pov sort of, didn't confused you....><...anyway, would you vote for them to disband or not in this fic?(not that it'll affect my decision><) or what do you think will happen? lol...if you've read my finished fic before...you'll know that i don't always write fanservice/selfservice happy endings...so don't put your expectations high...keep it low for my fics, thanks~ i'm just curious about your thoughts...anyway, yay...i'm back...spent sleepless night for this so you better leave a comment or something if you had read up to this part :p
ok, i'm tired...see 'ya when i see 'ya~
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