Something.in.A.Dream (S.A.D)
S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R
Credits: EmpireKidLovee@youtube
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"Hyung! Tell me...what is happening?"
He thought the skinny boy was on the verge of tears and almost slumped down onto the floor. Maybe he was overthinking what he saw but he couldn't remain there any longer. Seeing Minwoo ignoring his own shivering with fear splattered all over his face made him wanted to put on thick comfortable clothes over the younger boy's bared body and place him under the blanket. The sight he saw made him sad.
Yet he knew, if he interfered, he would be the target of Minwoo's unending interrogation. He wasn't sure if their leader would want the maknaes to be burdened by the issue they were facing. The issue that wasn't supposed to be an issue, since it was never addressed between any of them. Not that he knew. And even if he knew, he was well aware that there was nothing he could do about it. It has always been that way. He has always been on the sideline, observing every ups and downs s went through in their solo endeavours and their struggles to build their own individual career and find a place to latch onto in the industry. He himself, never knew how it felt, though he often sympathized with the difficulties they went through, just as they often sympathized what he never went through. He was always there watching over them. Therefore, he knew almost everything they experienced. Because when any of them had problems or was stressed out, and needed somebody to talk to, he would always be there. Not to say he was a superhero or a charming prince who's always there to extend a hand to whoever in need of it. It was just that, he has always been there. He never had anywhere else to go to. The other members, no matter how unpopular they were, would still have at least one solo activity for every few months. While he, had none. And that made him always available for anybody who stomped home, all depressed or frustrated or tired, of how the vicious world battered their soul and spirit, and needed to let out. They knew he wouldn't say no, and they were right. He wouldn't. He never did. He never even thought of changing anything about that.
Everything has its timing and reasons. There had to be a good reason that he was only on the sideline, instead of running around to fulfill his own individual schedule which he had none, but craved to undergo at times, just to know how it felt. He simply knew he didn't possess what his more successful members do. He simply wasn't visually appealing as the lack of reactions from the crowd towards him compared to the rest often hinted at him. Well, he never thought much of it, until he saw the comments on an online site regarding his much less than stellar visual and appearance, or any sort of charms that could replace the lack of visual advantage, compared to his bandmates who were either strikingly handsome, or exceptionally good at something else, like being funny or sports or acting or dancing, or acting cute. When he thought of it, he didn't quite agree with the accusing comments regarding his abilities. He was well aware that he could never compete with his handsome members. But he was confident that he too had his exceptional qualities. He had his athletics side too. Only that, he had been so used to giving up for the others, that he forgot how to fight to win, how to fight for his own survival. He always ended up hesitating whenever fighting against other idols in sports events, afraid of hurting them with his reserved strength, afraid of what would happen to them if he wins. Would he be loved and celebrated? Would his opponent or their fans hate him? Would it make him a bad guy? So many possibilities of what would happen...that he ended up losing focus and losing each of the matches in the end, feeling relieved instead of disappointed. Because s' complaints afterwards would always be there to comfort him. They would say that he's just too kind and he shouldn't even compete in such competitions. They never blamed or accused him for lack of ability. He knew he disappointed them. But he also knew that they had accepted and made peace with who he is, who he wants to be. Just the way he had made peace with himself, and where he stood.
Other than that, he could act cute too. In fact, he never hesitated to display it. But nobody seemed to notice. So he stopped doing it. The hosts in every interviews still referred to him as the quiet, tough rapper. So he complied. If being tough and quiet would satisfy their expectation of him, he didn't mind to play his role.
He is kind. s always told him that, and that was one thing about him they couldn't compete. They often told him how sorry they felt for him, and that he shouldn't be that nice. So, he does have a strong, unrivaled point in that. But how would kindness be a skill to be displayed to be able to land him a solo work opportunity? There wasn't any kind of show that ever required it. Especially not from someone as unknown as himself, who could only remain on the sideline in his own group that wasn't even doing too well. But his kindness could be useful to ease the burden of s. They always said they felt better after talking to him and that he took good care of them, like a mother. So, he wasn't useless afterall. That made him happy. At least, he had something to do. He could take care of them when they couldn't do it for themselves, while being so busy with their schedules.
He's a rapper. He tried to practice and improved his rapping and singing skills as much as possible. It was the only other thing that he's confident to showcase to people. But unfortunately, people get bored easily of such display of talent too. Whenever he introduced himself by throwing his rap lines, he noticed the audience applause gets less and less excited with each event. Finally he stopped that too and would just give a simple greeting, before stepping back into the shadows. It was where he belong, at least for now. The time for him to shine hasn't come, he believed. It was painful, he would admit that, to accept that he had nothing to be bragged around. And he didn't think of himself as someone who's a coward or lazy to chase his dreams. To him, he was just a realist. Someone who could easily accept his fate and where he stand. He believed that some things are just meant to be beyond his power and control. And in those things, he shouldn't fight. That would be akin to fighting against nature, which is a definite losing battle.
He believed in this situation, it was no different. It would be a lie to say he didn't feel disappointed and scared. Disappointed at Siwan for being the cause of a conflict that makes everything and everyone and their state of mind now seem haywired and not flowing according to how it had always flowed. It would've been a lot easier for everyone if only Siwan had just calmly confronted them before the comeback, and explain that he needed to leave them so they could think of a better way out together. They would be angry, they would be sad, some of them might cry, some of them might try to hold onto Siwan and beg him not to leave, some of them might be angry and yell at Siwan, but in the end, they all would understand and let him go. Even if the others couldn't accept it, he knew he would be able to make them think more rationally and let Siwan go. Because that was his dream - Siwan's dream. It would be despicable for any of them to held back each others' dreams. All of them began with big dreams higher than the sky. And now, one of them is just one step away from it. Why should they not let him go? Everyone would eventually find their timing for a success story of their own. Even he, himself. It's a matter of timing. He might have to wait in the shadow for each of s to become big before finally reaching his turn. But that's just the way things are. Not everyone would reach their dream so early in life.
He's not a loser. He just happen to believe that patience is virtue. He believed in teamwork...and if that means he had to step back time and again, for s to be able to step ahead, one by one, then so be it. He's not afraid to wait patiently until his turn comes up. Some things shouldn't be forced before its time comes up naturally.
But now, no thanks to Siwan's contract that they found neatly under his pillow-a place where Siwan always place things he regarded as important, he felt scared. He felt that everything was quickly crumbling into pieces. Their team, s' mental state, his beliefs and dreams. What else then, would he have to hold on to if they really were to end for Siwan's sake? The only logical way out was for them to disband, in order to save Siwan's budding reputation. Either that, or try to persuade Siwan to stay with them at least for a couple months more-which means in that period, the contract offer might not be there anymore since the industry moves too fast to wait for any 'trivial' issues like intergroup conflicts, to be solved. He knew that Junyoung knew too, that those were the only choices they're left with. Either be selfish and clip Siwan's wings from spreading his wings to fly high, or support his dreams and find their own way. He was certain of which should be their choice, but he wasn't sure he's ready to accept the consequences. He wasn't sure if he's ready to crush the dreams of his other members and himself just to save Siwan. But he wasn't sure if Siwan would be happy to force himself to remain with them either, when he clearly had something better waiting for him now.
He didn't know what he would do with his life if this is really the end. He had always been confused about what he wanted to do with his life, when Junyoung found him and asked him to join as a trainee. They were high school friends. Not too close, and because of that, he was even more gratified at the offer. He had always like music, but he never really thought of pursuing it. He didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, to be honest. He had no particularly strong dream. But because of Junyoung, he grew to have one. There was something in this dream, that made him felt that he had found the right direction to his life, that he never want to change. He had grown comfortable around them, spending time alone practicing his rap and singing and composing after making sure the members had eaten and went out of the dorm with smiles on their faces, or at least, without any scowl or dread. There's something in keeping his faith and waiting for his turn to come, no matter how empty he felt sometimes.
But who was he and where does he stand to decide on whether he would be able to keep his dream, and their dreams. Deep down, he knew he's powerless and at times, just at times, it irritated him at how easy he accepted everything that was unfair. Was he such a pushover? Or was he just so wrapped up and gloated by the kind image and praises they often gave him? He wanted to break free. He wanted to be someone other than the kind Taeheon he had wasted all the years on perfecting. He wanted to be selfish for once and make them listen and do as he says just for this once at least. He wanted to be a real fighter and a hero who saves the day when everyone else stuck in the state of confusion. But then again, what would he do even if he got the opportunity? What would he say if they would listen? Tell Siwan to let go of the great opportunity for success that was so hard for any of them to achieve, and remain with them, even if such chances never come again? Tell his other members to stop worrying because they're just having a comeback and Junyoung is injured again and couldn't join them, and Siwan couldn't join them too, for good since he's moving on to something better than them, and that's nothing to be sad or worried about? Or tell Siwan to just leave now if he really wants to, bear all the 'traitor' accusations and disappointment of their fans on his own, and never come back again?
None of it sounded like something he wanted to say. What else then, could he say other than remaining quiet and only watch from the sideline, and only catching them when they're falling down? That was the only thing he's good at after all. It was the only role he's used to.
"Taeheon hyung! Tell me!"
He didn't notice that the now fully clothed Minwoo had given up demanding answer from Junyoung and went after him instead, the easier target, the softer one who would always give in to everyone.
But as much as it hurt him seeing how broken and scared the poor boy before him, he could not think of any answer to comfort him. He couldn't even think of anything to say, other than patting their group's main dancer's shoulder, before turning his back on him and laid on his bed, hoping his silence would be good enough an answer.
"Hyung..." He felt the pair of thin arms wrapped loosely around his body from the back, trying to persuade him in its own silent language. He knew the boy just wanted an answer that would comfort him and ease his fear, but he's tired of lying, tired of pretending that everything is alright when none is. Tired of pretending to be convinced and positive of something even he, had no clue of and dared not predict nor expect anything - the future.
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ranting.
hello. sorry for making Taeheon so pathetic like this. i had to work with angle which i can see potential to breed conflict..whatever the crap that means. please don't hate me for it. many other members have their own patheticness as well. the song S.A.D imo, is one of the strongest track in the album, if not the strongest...heck it's amazing. so if you never listen to it, you should give it a try. though i won't say it's my ultimate fav. too depressing. >< but awesome nevertheless. Thanks for giving me feedbacks. n anyone excited for ZE:A comeback?! i'm a bag of mixed feelings...mostly worried if the song don't hit my expectation. for some reason...i'm always worrying for ZE:A.....*kicks self*...i just want them to get a song n comeback that will make them totally standout. ;/ they deserved it, with their awesomeness and all. sigh...ok, i'ma stop adding angst here. lol. see 'ya^^~
ps: can't believe i still haven't complete this fic even after a year...sobs. so incompetent.
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