Body to Body
S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R
credit: Yonichan88@youtube
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'Even if we could remain connected, hand to hand, body to body, can the same be said about our minds, our hearts, our goals, our destinations, our core of existence?'
Everyone was busy. Steps shuffling back and forth, bodies brushing past one another and at times colliding in the stuffy room that had to accommodate more people than it could, as they always went through during promotion periods. Slurred, incohesive orders and remarks exchanged between the performers, stylists, staffs and managers. Everyone was just too busy. None would stop to talk or even look for more than a second. Not to him. Except for one.
"Junyoung, are you sure you're going to perform? I thought we've agreed that for the comeback stages you're just going to rest and only perform on goodbye stages? I mean...yesterday's stage was already tiring."
"Don't worry. I want to. I missed the stage already." The smile looked so plastic to him, even more plastic than Kwanghee, as he always teased. He would never have expected to ever associate plastic with Junyoung. Even though he had to admit, much like himself, Junyoung's a little stiff and shy. While he himself was never shy in front of the cameras and crowds and only became awkward once he's out of spotlight, Junyoung had always been the opposite. Painfully awkward in front of the cameras, but someone everyone can connect with and turn to in everyday life, someone everyone's comfortable with enough to trust, maybe that was the reason he's their leader. Even though Kevin came close, Junyoung just understand everyone better since he had been here before almost all of them, naturally.
"But,...aren't we performing Body to Body today? How are you going to dance like this?"
"Painkillers. Besides, I think I'm getting better. Hey, I need practice too."
"Junyoung-ah..."
"You should get some rest now. Tonight is a very important night. Don't worry about me."
His mouth gaped open, most probably to protest, but he closed it back without a word and simply nodded, before patting Junyoung's shoulder and left. Junyoung could only watch, the plastic smile on his face, remain untouched.
If anything, if it had been the old Siwan, he would never let Junyoung or even anyone to take such crazy, dangerous risk. Siwan is a perfectionist. At least on matters that he considers crucial. And s' condition is definitely included in what was deemed crucial. Used to.
'Siwan-ah...right, maybe it's better this way. It'll be easier.'
"Minwoo...hey, are you listening to me?"
"Get your hands off...just...I'm sorry. I'm...busy."
"Busy?"
He was shocked. Still shocked. Not in a thousand years would he expect sweet, silly, cheerful Minwoo to suddenly yell at him and pushed his hand with such vigor...or rather, was it hatred? Was Minwoo aware it was him, or who was he upset at? Who could have made him so mad?
He smiled. But the smile wasn't returned. Minwoo simply looked away, back to the direction he was looking at.
Something was definitely wrong. And the boy wouldn't tell him. Why? Was he...the one Minwoo's upset at?
"Hey, Kwanghee."
"Oh...Siwan-ah. What do you want?"
'What do I want? Did he seriously just asked me what I want? Kwanghee? Why? Why is everyone acting strangely? Even Kwanghee.'
"What do you mean what I want?"
"Exactly that. What else does it mean?"
"But...why? Why are you suddenly asking such question?"
"Yah, pabo! Why are you being weird? Usually you don't come to me, so of course there's something you want. Aish." Kwanghee slapped his cheek. Just like the usual Kwanghee. At least somebody still behaved normal. But even then, something about his voice and expression felt restrained. He wasn't sure if it was just his self conscious acting up, or if he was thinking too much. He liked to think it was the latter. People always say he thinks too much. Maybe that was the reason he was still deliberating over the contract even though the deadline for his answer was getting so near and the party that offered him the contract had gotten restless and had called him twice to 'talk about it' or rather, convince him, which to him, was not needed. It wasn't like he's unable to make his own judgment. There was nothing wrong with the contract afterall, he had gone through it over twenty times. The only reason he had a hard time to make a final decision was these very people who were now behaving strangely towards himself for reason he knew not.
"Did you notice anyone being weird?"
Kwanghee blinked a few times and looked around before giving him a deadpan look.
"Yeah. You."
"Kwanghee, I'm serious."
"Me too. Stop asking me weird things."
"But just now...Minwoo..."
"I...I need to go ...fix my makeup. Jihye noona will be angry."
He wasn't even allowed to say out another one word. Something definitely was wrong. He was completely certain now that something was indeed wrong, and that something was directly related to himself. In any normal situations, Kwanghee would never leave him alone, let alone avoid having a conversation with him, even if he begged to be left alone. Kwanghee would in fact, chase after him. He's the one who's supposed to be running away. Not the other way round, like now. But the question was, why were they avoiding him. Why were they avoiding whatever issue they're holding up against him like a bunch of cowards? What had he done wrong? Was it because of his newfound fame again? He was tired of having to deal with his never-ending schedules that started to make him confused of what's happening around him, weaved with his internal conflicts he never thought would ever caused by something he had always wanted; to become relevant, popular for his own worth, without being just one of those nameless members in the group. And now, the tiredness was topped with his bandmates indifference when he had tried his best to not let his successes cracks a gap that make them feel any more inferior. Did he not try hard enough? He thought he did. He really thought he did, considering his body and strength to carry on already felt like they'd rip apart any second, and it was only his strong determination and mind control that held the pieces together from falling apart. How harder could he try when he had given his all and only had that remaining energy to maintain his sanity?
Never it crossed his mind that the fame he craved for, the opportunities he longed for, the burning jealousy of seeing his more successful members all these while that was finally washed down with what he had always wanted, the determination to make it big, could ever lead to this. It irritated him so much. What wrong had he done to them to deserve this kind of treatment?
No, he couldn't accept this, and he wouldn't. He would find out what problem they had with him and thrash it all out before their comeback stage that would happen in just less than a couple of hours away.
"Hey, we need to talk."
Minwoo gave him a complicated gaze he was expecting but not the answer he expected.
"What's wrong, hyung? Did I make mistake in the practice?"
Minwoo was controlling his reaction, his temper, his words. And Siwan knew. He didn't call himself the brains for nothing. Even if he always pretend to act clueless, he would know the best when they're lying or hiding something. And he prided himself for that. But pride wasn't what he felt now.
"Stop pretending and just tell me what's your problem with me."
"Hyung...what are you saying..."
"I said...why the fcuk were you being angry at me and now pretending to act like nothing's wrong?"
He didn't need to increase the volume of his voice. In fact, he never really felt the need to yell anyway. Because he knew that they would know when he's being serious compared to when he's playing around. And this instance, was definitely not the latter.
But Minwoo laughed in return. A mocking laughter that challenged his waning self control, his clobbered pride.
"You asked why the fcuk I'm pretending to act like there's nothing wrong? You ask yourself, you..."
"Minwoo Hyung, don't. Siwan Hyung, there's nothing wrong. I made Minwoo Hyung angry and he's being angry at everyone. I said I'm sorry." The boy tried to pull Minwoo away, his hand covering Minwoo's mouth so that the latter could not utter any response. But Siwan didn't just met and gotten to know Dongjun nor Minwoo for a few days. Another mistake was done in underestimating Siwan's judgment and wisdom.
"Stop it."
But they didn't stop. Minwoo wanted to speak, but Dongjun insisted him to do the otherwise. In Siwan's eyes, it was almost like Dongjun's pleading to Minwoo. And it irritated him all the more. What the hell was happening and why were they treating him as an outsider? Who did Dongjun think he was to stop the elders from discussing their problems. He marched forward and jerked Dongjun's hands away from Minwoo and almost pushed Dongjun if Taeheon didn't appear out of nowhere and pulled him away, telling Dongjun and Minwoo to just go somewhere else.
"Yah, not you too! Stay out of this!"
"Siwan Hyung, you should rest. Our comeback stage will begin soon."
"Oh, so you're taking me as a crazy person now? What is wrong with you all?!" He didn't take much effort to release himself. And against his better judgment, he rose his voice. They're just lucky, no reporters were allowed anywhere near practice rooms at the broadcast station without any special passes that are only issued on special occassions. And their other staffs happened to not be around either at the moment or they could get in trouble.
"Huh...you're asking what's wrong?" Minwoo pushed Dongjun's hands away and marched back towards the elder who was equally angry as himself. "I'll tell you what's wrong."
"Hyung, don't!"
"Dongjun, shut up and get out!"
"Yah, Siwan Hyung, don't yell at Dongjun like that! Siwan Hyung, if you want to leave just leave. Do you have to hurt us like this?" The words stabbed him like no other words. Yet he remained composed, and stern, turning his head to the person who had just appeared at the door.
"Yah, Park Hyungsik...you...telling me to leave?"
"Yeah. Just...leave quietly. And don't hurt us anymore."
---
"Kevin, I don't know what else to say. I'm so ashamed to say this but I'm really, really sorry that...it had to end like this."
"You wanted to see me just to say that?"
Kevin waited for an answer, patiently as he had always been without giving any pressure for a quicker response. Yet the only answer he received was in the form of silent, deep nod, almost like the younger man was searching for something on his own chest. The patience, instead of making him relieved, had made him all the more burdened with guilt, that he couldn't even raise his head, let alone meet the elder's eyes.
"Well, you already said it a million times at our dorm, you know?"
'Even a million times wouldn't be enough.' The younger man's inside screamed to himself.
"I remembered that I promised you that we'd take at most a year to make it big and after that we will propose to sajangnim to launch your solo singing career because you're so good..."
"...Wow...you remembered that...it felt just like yesterday. I was still a teenager back then. I was so surprised there was a call from Korea asking for me to become a singer here. I thought it was a fraud at first, because the person who called was a kid, even younger than I was. Haha."
The recollection of his embarrassing passionate and confident youth made Junyoung smiled to himself. But it didn't take him more than a second to realize he shouldn't be smiling anymore, because nothing was quite like the shining past that seemed like it would never end, at least not in despair, back then when they were young and stupid, he thought.
"But now, I've wasted five years of your life. I failed. As a leader I've failed to lead our team towards success. And as a person, I've failed to keep my words. Failed to take responsibilities for the promise I made with your futures at stakes, every one of you."
"Well...we make our own decisions and lead our own lives. You don't have to take responsibilities for our lives you know. At least we learnt a lot of things. And besides...these past five years...it had been fun."
"Yes, it was." Junyoung felt his eyes gotten misty. Kevin always had a way with words, even if they're just simple words, he reasoned to himself.
"Remember the time we first went to Japan, and you got stomach ache because you couldn't get used to the food there, and then Kwanghee kept trying to feed you and you got angry but couldn't release it because he made sure the camera's always with him?"
"Yeah. That bastard. And everytime we go on trips outside the country, everyone get so excited practicing English but then everyone would fight to sit and be roomates with you because they need Kevin hyung to speak for them."
"Speaking of trips...I still remember when Hyungsikie almost died on that one trip. Dongjun was so brave and quick at reacting."
"He is brave. Really brave."
"And remember everytime after performing Mazeltov we would be all over the floor laughing because that song is just too funny?"
"Yeah, it was so hard when we shared the waiting room with senior because we couldn't go crazy like that. We hated that song so much because people made fun of us, my mother even called and asked what the hell did we sang after our first broadcast, because she couldn't understand it. It was so hard for me to make up a story."
"She did?"
Junyoung smiled. "Yeah. And remember the time everyone was so happy when we got Haru Jongil to promote. It's like, yeah, now everyone would see how cool we are. But it was surprising that it was during Here I Am that people start paying attention to us."
"You're right. Everyone said they couldn't do cute and kept saying they hated the song, but when the time came, it's like everyone competed to be the cutest."
"Yeah, Siwan kept making fun of the cute dances and expression, but look at him on stage."
"Siwan's a true professional. He can easily change personality and get into character the moment he gets on stage."
"He does."
Silence filled the air again as Kevin realized he had brought up a sore topic for his soon to be ex-bandmate. It was too late to be sorry anyway. Or even to pretend like the recent conversation did not happen.
"So, have you, told him? Siwan."
Junyoung shook his head, much like Kevin expected him to do.
"I...couldn't. Siwan is a responsible person. He wouldn't agree to this if I tell him."
Kevin nodded. He could imagine Siwan's reaction himself. And he was sure it was no different than what made Junyoung worried.
"So, what are you planning to do?"
"Just like we had agreed...I mean...what I made you guys agreed, I will just announce it after our performance."
"Siwan would get mad, you know?"
"I know. That's why I hope you could...hold him and calm him down. He would listen to you. Everyone listens to you."
"Excuse me. Here are the revised performance details for tonight."
"Revised?" Junyoung raised an eyebrow and read the details aloud. "Four minutes and fifty five seconds. Huyujeung full, Byeolie Doe-eo short version."
"But...we're supposed to perform Body to Body, aren't we?"
"Im Siwan met the Assistant PD earlier and told that you couldn't perform Body to Body because it required dance and there's an injured member joining the performance." The production assistant gave a curt bow and excused himself to continue his job.
"That's so like Siwan. Well, good thing we had practiced this song too." He could hear the smile in Kevin's voice as he slowly nodded.
So, Siwan still cared.
"Yah, Moon Junyoung, what are you two doing here dating at times like this?"
"Yah, Kwanghee, what nonsense are you talking?" He wanted to add affectionate scolding words to tease his best friend from the beginning that had continue to support his decisions even after he dropped the bomb that had caused the unbearable guilt towards everyone else upon seeing the betrayed looks on their faces even after he managed to persuaded them with backup from Kwanghee, Kevin and Taeheon, the matured ones who always stood by his decisions even if he knew they're no less hurt. But the panic look on Kwanghee's face made him stopped short.
"The kids...Siwanie, they're fighting."
"Fighting like...physical?" Kevin asked dumbly.
"No! Not yet. Hurry up stop them!"
"Help me up quick." And the other two elders listened to their leader's order, perhaps for the final time if not one of the final ones.
"Hey Kwanghee, why didn't you stop them?"
"Yah, Kevin! Do they ever listen to me? They only listen to you two. Tch."
"How bad was it?" Junyoung cut off the nagging that could potentially erupt.
"Dongjun cried I think. And Taeheon was involved too."
"Even Taeheonnie?" Kevin asked, surprised and received a nod in response, one he didn't even looked at.
Junyoung sighed. He thought he could at least ended everything with a clean slate, if that was possible. A fight was not what he wanted to remember for his last day as a member of idol group, Children of Empire. It wasn't the memory he wanted anyone to have for their final souvenir.
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ranting: We've been waiting for Siwan. so, Siwan's here xD. waaargh, *flailing* another chapter...whew...it's getting harder n harder to write this...eventhough i don't lose passion to write this fic. not yet(though it's giving me some serious headache now!). in fact i'm quite proud of myself for managing to *ahem*...set aside my uncontrollable feels n make this fic totally romance-free.lol.considering there are some couples that i ship hard in this group it's not easy at all ok. *ahemlol*...this was supposed to be last chapter since it's the last song...but then i decide to break it down. so uhhh...wonder what's the next chapter will be :p....anyway, omg....6 comments!!! that's the most i've ever got for a chapter in any fic...lol..(let's not count my annoyingly overrated fic) Thank you! <3 n sorry if this chap came out just lame...i tried >< (n btw, i can't guarantee any ending,but you know that i'm capable of cruel/nonstandard-happy endings rite?so don't lose hope but also be prepared for the worst...i guess...ok that doesn't explain anything lol *runs*)
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