Hunter
S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R
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"Oh, Dongjun-ah, you're home?"
He nodded, mind still flooded with disturbing thoughts he couldn't share with the one who spoke to him. Even though he's the youngest, he always felt that he needed to protect the other boy. Maybe it was Hyungsik's clueless little boy's face and expressions that made him felt that Hyungsik needed to be protected at all cost, even though he himself, as the youngest who couldn't easily share his feelings with any of his hyungs had to swallow whatever pain, difficulties, tiredness and dissatisfaction to himself. He's used to it. He preferred to have it that way. Being seen as strong and capable made him feel good about himself. He never knew when, but he started to think of himself as one of the hyungs too, maybe it's because his group members liked to act immatured, especially the three eldest - Kevin, Kwanghee, and Siwan who would always create amusing petty argument scenes and make fun of everything. There were times they would appear so matured and charismatic, but moments later they would broke into childish arguments with Siwan scolding Kwanghee for keep violating him with his loving nature, as he claimed. And then Kwanghee would scold Kevin for talking too much to him or trying to violate him, and Kevin would rebut that Kwanghee did the same to Siwan, and Kwanghee is friendly to everyone but him. Such were their immatured antics - his eldest hyungs. And then, the moment they all see new target to be made fun of, which often end up to be their leader Junyoung, and sometimes Minwoo or Hyungsik, they would forget about their earlier silly banters and join heads to make fun of their leader. Being huge supporter and ardent fans of Junyoung's amazing leadership and lovable caringness, the maknaes, led by Minwoo and including himself and Hyungsik too would joint forces to protect their respected leader and take revenge on the big three hyungs in the form of pranks if they're captured making fun of Junyoung, their prime role model.
Such were the memories of happy times that never failed to make him smile, even today, as he was dead tired to have just completed his individual schedule that didn't decrease despite them having just finished their comeback showcase and going to have their official comeback stages very soon. And even today, when nothing seemed the same as the bittersweet memories they shared. Everyone had changed. Everything had changed. He didn't even noticed when or how it happened. He was too busy fulfilling schedules and trying to gain as much opportunities as he could, for himself and for the group. He had set his goal from the beginning, and he stayed true to it. He vowed to not even think of anything besides the goal he had set, because successes and failures, both could change people. He was too afraid of it to hit him too. He never thought that he wasn't the only one to be worried about. He miscalculated that even if he doesn't change, everyone else would still do. Maybe he was childish afterall. He should've cared more for the others. He should make sure they would not slip away and changed. But he was too busy worrying of himself to ignore what the others had been going through.
If only he wasn't too selfish, he would've been able to save the group from breaking apart. If only he wasn't so selfish, he wouldn't have encountered and witnessed what he just did.
When he arrived, he happened to catch glimpse of somebody going out of the music room in a hurry. And he had memorized all s' figures by heart, even down to their shadows. It was Kevin. But why was Kevin in such a hurry? He pushed open the door with much hesitation, afraid to find what he wasn't and would never be ready to face. The truth.
And that was what he found. In the form of Kwanghee, still sprawled on the floor, not even trying to got up and just remained without moving even a bit, though he could see the breathing movements and how the elder one was shaking slightly.
"Kwanghee hyung!" He tried to help the elder member up, but his hand was pushed away harshly, to his shock. Something bad must've had happened between Kevin and Kwanghee, but what was it? They would argue and fight on daily basis, but Kevin would never ever left Kwanghee on the floor without extending a hand until it's accepted. His imaginations ran wild while slowly it started sinking in him, a thought he was terrified to even think of. But his curiosity got the better of him and it slipped off his lips.
"K...Kwanghee hyung, who...pushed you?" It was all he dared to ask.
"Hu...huh?" As if snapped out of being possessed, Kwanghee suddenly stared straight into his eyes and shook his head animatedly. "It was...I fell down. It...it was dark. I'll stand up on my own."
He nodded and silently walked out, softly closing the door behind him. Knowing full well how big of a lie that was, and willing to accept it, and pretend to believe it. He had been too used to concentrate on working hard, and not intruding into s' personal issues or any internal turmoils. He knew something was wrong from the way they laughed, the way they interacted with each other on stage with sudden unfamiliar distant politeness, he could even tell it from the way they moved together on stage, dancing synchronizedly but not connected.
He might seem like he didn't want to bother anything else besides doing his best. No, that was indeed, the truth. But he knew all of it even if he didn't want to. He had lived the past few years perfecting his skills. His skills as the youngest; the maknae - to listen to the hyungs and never do what they hated, to run errands as a means of respect to them who had the age and wisdom presumably, to always be aware of their needs and everything. Those weren't burdens, they were just natural responsibilities of a gratified maknae.
'What actually happened that could lead to something like that?' He asked himself, having a guess on what the big issue could be but afraid to admit to himself that he might know more than he wanted to know. As long as he didn't know, everything would be fine. Nothing would change. He was just thinking too much because he was tired of his never ending schedules. Everything would be good after he get some sleep. There couldn't be any big problem.
And so he texted Kevin to find comfort in the latter's reply.
But something did change. Today really wasn't like any other day. As much as he wanted to deny it, something had change. Kevin didn't immediately reply to his text message for the first time, even after he waited ten, twenty minutes, and still waiting now in futile. Maybe, everything is going to change after all, once he wakes up the next morning. He never thought that day would come. The day the fearless Kim Dongjun who always take pride in having no fears for any challenges, to cower at the thought of sleeping. He had always been comfortable in his own skin, being his self, accepting his advantages and flaws in stride with wide, confident smile. Next to Kwanghee, he had always been the one with the most individual works, from singing shows to drama acting to sports shows and random entertainment show, numerous photoshoots, solo singing projects and collaborations with other singers, he had done it all by himself, like a hunter set to get all his preys down in his claws and emerge as the invincible, unbeatable one. So, why would he feel afraid of waking up with possibilities of something happening to the group that was never even quite as successful as his own solo resume? Why?
He doesn't know. Why would there need to be a reason for his fears? Is it too late that only now it occured to him that perhaps all his fearless bravado and courage wasn't because of the reasons he always believed all these while? That he's young and full of curiosity, energy and vitality? Maybe...the real reason was because he knew, that no matter how hard he was hit while putting his life on the line for all his vigorous physically exerting activities, at the end of the day, if he did take a wrong step and fall, he wouldn't be hurt. Because he had a sanctuary, shelter, comfort, protection, them. They would protect him, and take care of him. He never wanted to admit it, but that was the truth.
"Hey, Dongjun, why didn't you answer me? Is something wrong? Are you tired?"
He slowly moved his gaze towards Hyungsik who had been eyeing him, puzzled at his lack of physical reactions, while his mind was thinking thousand and more thoughts that were rattling him.
"Yeah...I guess." He slowly nodded, not caring how his face appeared to Hyungsik who's staring at him.
"Then, go to sleep. Tomorrow is our comeback stage...right?"
Why the questioning tone? Hasn't their comeback been confirmed? Didn't they just completed their comeback showcase, less than three-four hours ago, successfully? Isn't this what they've been waiting for? The cheers were louder than ever. This is their time to shine and they would show it tomorrow. Isn't that what's going to happen? Why the uncertainty?
"Hyung!" Finally the voice successfully made it out of his throat, sounding louder than he meant to, due to the inner struggling.
By then, Hyungsik was already at the doorway, ready to leave the kitchen where he had been sitting alone.
"You calling me? Hyung? That's rare. I thought we're kinda like...same aged friends?"
Indeed it was rare. Right at this moment when he felt so frail out of a sudden, it seemed to him as though he couldn't even make one more step forward without leaning onto someone, something he had always refused to do. Now, it had become the thing he needed the most. So, things could really changed within a blink of an eye, he silently acknowledged.
"Why? What's wrong?" By then, he could already felt the heat emitted from the tall body, stood next to his seated small, strong built yet frail figure. The warmth travelled through his whole being, when a palm plastered itself on his forehead.
"Yah, Dongjun-ah, you're shivering and cold. Are you sick? Let's go to your room and get under your blanket to rest." He only followed as the warm long fingers pulled and led him to leave the kitchen and without realizing, soon he was already under his blanket, inside his room, with his head leaning against the headboard.
"C...can you, accompany me until I fall asleep?" He surprised himself yet again. And Hyungsik was more than happy to comply, approaching and wrapping Dongjun's shoulders in his arms.
"It's good that you fall sick, or it'd be impossible to hear you calling me Hyung. Haha." He smiled slightly at Hyungsik's bad attempt to joke, despite the insufferable prickly cold, against his skin, and his mind. A rush of emotions overwhelmed him. He never knew it would feel so comfortable to allow himself to be weak and dependant on his eight hyungs. He had always wanted to be the strongest so he could take care of them. But now, he wanted to feel and experience more of this. He wanted to gather more experiences on how it feels to be babied, to allow himself to feel how it's like to be a spoilt maknae, like now. Hyungsik had started to pat his arm lightly while singing songs- lullabies to help him sleep. Why did he never treasure all he could have all these while, and only realize it now? Is it too late? He swallowed a sob that almost came out, not realizing his freezing cheeks already warmed by tears that escaped his eyes anyway. The regrets embracing him were too suffocating, of what he could've done differently when things hadn't become what they're now.
"Yah, pabo, why are you crying? Is it too painful? You'll be alright tomorrow. I promise." He nodded weakly as he felt gentle of fingers brushed his cheeks.
"Everything will be just fine."
It was all he needed to hear, the one thing. Hyungsik smiled and nodded at him, reassuringly, and his hair as he slowly drifted to sleep, praying that tomorrow they'd be back to who they were three years ago, despite knowing his thoughts were just childish. He silently thanked Hyungsik, for giving him the chance to take the opportunity he never appreciated-to act like a maknae. If all else would change and end soon, he was thankful for this opportunity. A single tear of resignation escaped his eyes again before he fell asleep.
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ranting: sorry for y chap...i tried...it was pretty good in my head but when i wrote....it turned out this...somewhat overdramatic huh?...*bows*
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