Dirty Cat
S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R
credit:[email protected]
-----------
'I lied again.'
"Everything will be fine, tomorrow"
His own words rang like bells chimed by roughly blowing winds as he shut the door slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible. Dongjun clearly has had a difficult time that night, and the last thing he would want to do now is to wake the younger man who had such difficulty to stop crying and falling asleep.
How would he know what would happen tomorrow? He's not a fortune teller. He knew things always eventually worked out in the end. But lately he kept feeling tired over nothing. It couldn't be the practices; he's used to that. It couldn't be his drama shooting schedule since his role was small and didn't require much time nor energy, furthermore, it was an opportunity that came out of the blue, a of luck that started hitting them one by one after Siwan hit jackpot. He had always wanted to try his hands at acting, but he never knew the chance would come this early. He actually thought he'd try find an opportunity in his thirties maybe, when ZE:A probably would no longer be around or had slowed down their activities as a group as they aged and couldn't compete with the younger fresher groups anymore. But life is full of surprises and unexpectedness. And he wouldn't complaint about his early luck for sure.
As for the reason he felt so drained out though, he wondered if it was for the same reason Dongjun looked so frail before him just now. Dongjun, who had always been their pillar of strength. Well, the kid was definitely his pillar of strength. Whenever he felt tired, he would look at Dongjun and scolded himself.
'That small punk is doing every other tiring thing in the world and he never got tired. He still smiled brightly, danced and sing like he had all the energy to carry the burdens of the world on his back. So why should you? Even Kwanghee hyung, and lately, Siwan hyung too, had been working non stop. Well, Kwanghee hyung gets moody sometimes, but only when he went through a really tough day at work and it's understandable since he's always the one with the most jampacked schedule. And Siwan hyung is diligent as always, looking even happier than before. So, wake up and start contributing something instead of feeling tired.'
But seeing Dongjun like that, somehow it felt like time really moved too fast, and everyone had changed. Even Dongjun could appear so tired, he never thought that day would come. And lately, with everyone busy with their own personal schedules, there's hardly time for them to gather for a meal together, let alone have any time to be spent together on activities like...cleaning the company's territory, or even their dorm, together.
Strangely, it was those cleaning activities he remembered the most. Working together aimlessly and unwillingly to clean up the place that meant a lot to them. The only time when they wouldn't be bothered to talk about anything work nor dream related. The only time when they would instead have small talks about themselves, their lives after spending minutes to curse their fate having to resort to cleaning the company when all they wanted to be were singers and dancers, stars on stage. At those time, he would feel that these people weren't just his co-workers, but people who shared his feelings, people who care about him, and people whom he cared about. People he let in to know a bit about his life. How he missed those time when they would keep complaining in between their small talks about having to clean the place, and afterwards complain about the tasteless meal they're given as reward for their hardwork. He even missed the bland meal surprisingly.
There's nothing he didn't missed, after thinking long and hard. Not even the fights and arguments they got into back when they were younger and reckless. Most of the time, he would just stand at the back and take instructions from his hyungs. Both he and Dongjun wouldn't show any opinion and if they did, they would stop when the hyungs showed disagreement. To lead and decide, those were the roles of the elder members. They may appear strong or charming in front of the fans. But in front of the people who really knew them, in front of the hyungs, they were just kids, maknaes. Kids that needed to be led. Kids that needed protection. Kids that needed to do the petty daily chores for the elders, but when it comes to crucial issues, only needed to stay behind and let the elders shoulder all the burdens, troubles and consequences. It has always been such a fair deal that they're willing to remain that way. If Junyoung prepared clothes for him or bought food for them, even if he didn't like the clothes, he would wear them. Even if he thought Junyoung could've bought something better once in awhile and not be too concerned about their tight budget all the freaking time, he'd eat the food happily with other members without showing any sign of rebelling. Kevin has always been in charge of planning their music direction in performances along with the other elder member, even if Kevin would always just tell him what he should do instead of asking for his input when he had a lot in mind, he would just listen and follow. Siwan would always make sure they weren't even burdened about any problems with authorities and would insist on paying for everything whenever they go out and eat together without company's allowance even if they both knew most part of the bill could be credited to Hyungsik's great appetite and boundless hunger. And even if they knew, he's more than able to afford paying for everything himself. He would just accept the ego of the elder, thankfully and consider it his fortune. Even Kwanghee, the one who appeared least matured in the eldest line, but not exactly any different than the others would scold them when they did wrong but then always try to bail them out from punishment with the management, saying they're just kids and shouldn't be treated too harshly. And even if both of them believed they're no longer kids, they'd just remain quiet and accept the words graciously. Even Minwoo who's merely a year older than himself would treat himself like the big, dependable elder brother sometimes. There were so much pouring love from everyone that they never thought of growing up and stepping out of that comfortable protected area.
Well, he didn't know about Dongjun, but he could say so for himself. It wasn't that he didn't want to grow up, it was just that it never crossed his mind that he would need to do so. Change and grow up, like everyone else.
His parents called two days ago, checking on him whether he was doing well and being healthy, and cheered for their comeback. Everything was going right. Unlike some of s, he's among the lucky ones to get support and blessing from everyone to achieve his dream. His parents supported him, even if they weren't all that keen on the idea at first and thought he had brighter future if he just focused on his studies and follow the footsteps of his father. Yet they understood his passion and willing to cheer for him. s have always make sure he's not deprived of food and they took care of him all these while, his labelmates and staffs were all great too even though the ride had always been bumpy for them, because of their harmony and team spirit, and all the strength he received from people around him and people who supported them from front stage-their fans, he felt all the hardships weren't just a waste, and weren't enough to bring him down. Sure they would fight at times, but he believed that at the end, it was those fights that made them stronger.
Even when sometimes, just sometimes...he would hear things that stir his beliefs that everything was going great. Although they had suffered failure after failure, despite the fact that no matter how hard Kwanghee tried to make them more known by talking about them all the time after achieving some popularity for his shameless loud mouth personality, everyone else besides their handful of loyal fans simply turned a blind eye on them. And then, when sometimes people around him would say he'd probably do better on his own than being overshadowed, he would feel upset without giving it a second thought. He thought everything was fine with him. He's not a greedy person to begin with. Sure, he might not have the star value like Kwanghee, or even Dongjun. But he had his own fans. He's pretty popular with their fans in fact. It's just that the public doesn't know. That itself, felt marvellous. Though sometimes when he overheard Kwanghee complaining about how tired he was, he would wonder what it felt to be in such a position.
But then something happened. Something unexpected. Siwan became superstar overnight just after getting through an audition for a small role in a drama that became a nation buzz. Suddenly, everything wasn't the same as before anymore. Minwoo too, received an opportunity to participate in a separate group in Japan without having to leave them. Things started to look up for s, and Siwan's success led the public, mainly the insiders and producers to take interest in them. And the unexpected continued when members who had been focused on singing alone, namely Kevin and himself, were both offered drama roles as well. All of this happened in just a few months back. They were showered with luck. It could only mean good thing, right? Even if he suspected that people only started to take notice in himself after Kwanghee revealed about his parents' wealth in a show, which wasn't something he's happy to share, but regardless, he respected and trusted the latter's confidence and determination to make him and other members popular, after Siwan.
Things weren't always smooth sailing for all of them when Junyoung injured himself while fulfilling his own show guesting, but the morale was so good that they vowed to make their leader proud of them while taking time off from the stages to recover. Nothing could bring them down. This was the time for them to only climb up, he could feel it. He knew that they all could feel it too no matter how tired some of them might be, especially Siwan. He could see the spark and energy just by glancing at Siwan on stage when the latter barely had time to sleep now, as he would spend the sleeping hours to make up for the practices he missed for his now endless dramas and CFs filming.
So, now that everything was going so well, why were things starting to look different the past few days? It was like, the lights on everybody's faces started to dim just as they're nearing the comeback. And nobody even cared to reassure him and Dongjun anymore like they used to do. Or else, why did Dongjun looked so sad just now? Where had the hyungs gone and what was really happening that he wasn't aware of?
The day before, while he was attending an event, he came upon a drama PD who stirred his heart again, when the man told him something he never thought he would be hearing. That the PD had watched his small drama appearance and found him having great potential to make it big in acting, and that he's even better looking than Siwan and deserved more attention and opportunities. He had to admit that it horrified him that he actually let himself entertained the evil ideas slipped in by the PD. Especially since he had always dreamed of becoming a cool actor, even before he discovered the passion for singing. What disturbed him the most was when the PD left him with advice that he should consider becoming a serious actor too since even Siwan would leave them very soon and so, he too should start preparing for his own future.
What?
Did he missed something he was supposed to know? Siwan hyung...leaving them to become full time actor? Was the PD just making own assumptions like what normal netizens do every day, or was it really the reason s suddenly started to look different the moment he reached back at their house? He never noticed any changes in himself nor the other members. But now he does. The practice room and the house suddenly appeared much more quieter even though he tried to liven things up with his antics and jokes. Some would still entertain and joke around with him. But most just couldn't be bothered anymore. And whenever he glanced at Siwan during practices whenever Siwan was able to attend, the elder was always deep in thoughts and seemingly not there with the rest of them. Could Siwan be thinking about what the PD told him?
No. Of course Siwan hyung wouldn't change and leave them just like that. That isn't even like Siwan to do something of that sort. That's not the Siwan who took care of them silently, and would rather let them eat and rest while going around, settling problems on his own. That doesn't sound like the Siwan who would take out his own money to be spent on them to get on a comfortable cab to rush back in time when they got too tired to run around back then during the time they weren't even provided with decent amount of money by the company to get a proper meal. Not like the Siwan who cared so much for them that when they're assigned to make videos in groups, Siwan used the assignment as excuse to invite his parents over to cheer him up, being the sulky spoilt rich boy that Park Hyungsik was. Siwan was so independant that he wouldn't need them to make it big in the first place. So why would he chose to be with them only to leave them merely after a few years, right? Or...was that really just Siwan... before he grew matured and started thinking of his own life, own future?
He didn't know, honestly. He didn't want to try to know. It's not like he's a mind reader to be able to know anyway.
They were used to hard life, but now that he thought of it again, there really were many happy times too, especially when they would clean the company's compartment together, starting in silence and later on one of them would randomly talk about his life back at home, and they would all join in and talk about how good things were at home compared to their trainee life, and how they missed home so much. Sometimes he even cried while working, thinking of his parents all while feeling embarrassed and guilty towards s like Kevin who would be so calm despite having the least opportunity to meet up with his family often. Or Heecheol, who would just put on his poker face and pretended to not care about his life back in Jeju. Or Taeheon who didn't even have his parents anymore to begin with. Sometimes Junyoung cried too, and Minwoo, and Dongjun. But at the end of the chores, after sweating like crazy and any one of them would start doing crazy thing like splashing everyone with water to 'cool down', they would all be happy again. Such was the simple bliss they used to cherish. And they would admit that despite the lack of comfort they would have gotten at home, life with the members were pretty good and not all that bad. They would then talk about the future, the future that would be bright. And Siwan once joked that he would leave them and become successful solo artiste when he got popular.
It was a joke. But what if the first half of it came true? Would Siwan really follow up with the second half of his unfunny joke? Then...does it mean he should think of his own future too, as the PD told him to? No...that's not how it should be. How could he even think of...
"Yah, Hyungsik...what are you doing here in the dark? You almost scared me."
"Huh?...just...thinking."
"Yah, I need to go shower. Have you eaten?"
He nodded solemnly, remembering his meal consisted of the only piece of bread he found in the kitchen.
"But I'm still so hungry. Hyung, no need to shower, let's just eat."
"Yah, Hyungsik, you're like a cat...always asking for food from your hyungs. And such a dirty one at that...always lazy to get cleaned until somebody chase you into the washroom. Aish...just like our new song huh, haha. All you can think of is really just eat, huh? Okay...come on, I'll cook instant noodles for you."
He trailed along behind the older boy, obediently. Siwan wasn't the only one who cared for them. A realization that should've knocked sense into his mind long ago. It's just that he kept forgetting. Just like he kept forgetting how much he depended on them for the past three-four years. It had always been this way. Fine, if a member thought of leaving them, it's up to that member. But how could he harbour such thought when he couldn't even survive a day without them, their care, their existence? But... what if the others decided to leave one by one too? What would his future be then? The conflicting thoughts hurt his head.
"Yah, Hyungsik! Ppali. Take my bag inside or I'm not cooking for you."
The thinking could be resumed later, he assured himself. Besides, everything would still be fine and they would still be together, at least for this comeback, or...at least until the next day, wouldn't it? If he could choose, he'd rather not have to think at all, and just enjoy the bowl of instant noodles he couldn't even cook for himself without depending on them - s.
----------
ranting!!!
aaaarrgghhhhhhhhh.......guyzzzz....i think you already noticed it....but this chapter as dbfhjdbafhjbafhjbf i'm really sorry.....i've been trying n trying to write this since a month ago....but i just couldn't click with hyungsik feels...especially concerning angst maybe cuz hyungsik's recent popularity n you know...i just naturally tend to get indifferent n trying to look for any changes when members become wildly popular...which happened to siwan too n it's the time siwan became crazy popular that i started opening my eyes more to other members...yeah i'm weird...but eventually...i realized i'm not one who easily change fav member especially if i didn't find anything bad enough abt him to change my initial impression. aanyway, i'm sooo sorry for this chapter's failure....to give any feels...i don't want to write all members having same kind of angst...n i know hyungsik really love s...i just wanted to show another side of his possible mental state. actually i want to write about hyungsik's conflict after getting popular himself...but it doesn't fit the timeline in this fic....that's probly the most challenging thing....cuz all members' pov will be from the same night or something...n it's hard trying to not sound repetitive...n like i said again...it ended this bad...long n winding n repetitive. argh. i'm sorry if it's severely disappointing.
to make up for it...watch for yourself what Hyungsik feel about s.
Credit: [email protected]
Thanks for bearing with me, my inconsistent writing and my unstopabble ranting.
any guesses which song/member next? xD
anyway, two good news.
ZE:A is coming back in August.
ZE:A is having their first concert(in Korea) ever in October.
aaaaaaaaahhhhhh....yes, excuse my spazzing.
Comments