Coy Girl
S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R
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"So? What do you mean, so?"
He looked up from the piano in the barely lighted room, his fingers stopped pressing on the keys.
"Simply what I said. Or are you gonna be selfish and hold him back from finding his own path to get better success just because you're so obsessed with him?" After finishing words he had been wanting to say, he finally mustered enough courage to cast a glance towards Kwanghee who still had the shocked, disbelief, anger all over his face.
"You're just jealous, weren't you? Because you think life is unfair because you never got popular despite always getting praised as the best during our trainee days? You're happy that your biggest competitor are backing down and leaving, aren't you? So, who do you want to see leaving next, Dongjunnie? Or...Hyungsikkie? Can't be me, right? You've always looked down on me and thinking how I could even be a singer. You think I didn't know what you're thinking?"
He didn't thought Kwanghee would put a fight. In fact, he didn't know Kwanghee would even have such thoughts about himself. Had he been such a lowly person to be thought of that badly? Had he? He asked himself, and he never once thought of being a bad person, but what frightened him was, he couldn't even deny Kwanghee's cruel accusations on him. The latter wasn't entirely wrong. Actually, thinking from an objective point of view, yes- Siwan had always been a competitor, a fierce one, right from their before debuting era. And yes, it occured to him more than a few times, of how unfair life is, seeing Kwanghee who, to put nicely...isn't as good as himself as a singer, to make it big right from the start while he went unnoticed all the time even after belting his heart out time and again until his throat went sore from all the efforts to be heard, to be noticed. All his hardwork would be washed down the moment Kwanghee opened his mouth, and that means immediately, all the time.
But did he really want to see the ones he consider his competitors to leave them? Would it make any difference to the group? Yes, it definitely would. And it would also affect him as a person, but maybe...in a positive light. Afterall, in their original dreams to become stars, it never included the members, they started their dreams even before they met each other. Thus, why should their dreams be glued together without given an opportunity to live, think and feel as individuals? Why?
Do these thoughts make him the bad guy Kwanghee called him to be? He scowled.
"It's the truth, isn't it?" Kwanghee jeered as he came closer, as if challenging Kevin's limit. Yes, he has always been the good guy, the perfectly nice, understanding, quiet, smiley guy with almost no opinion, not because he didn't have any, but because he held them back. He tried to be tolerant, but there come times, when too much is too much.
They always talked about how perfect he is in front of the press and audience. But maybe, this is what they really thought of him. He could've left them long ago if he wanted more success. He could've gone back to his motherland, forget about the time he wasted here with no desired results and accept it as his youth's stupid mistake, and started working towards his own dreams. Instead of being stuck here as a part of loser bunch for three damn years.
He pushed Kwanghee, with all the anger force building up inside him. Enough to make the latter landed sprawled on the floor, shocked and pained a little by the fall, and a lot more by Kevin's unexpected reaction. Kevin had always been the one who would help him up when he fell but this time, he was the one to push him and simply walked out of the door, slamming it shut, leaving his bandmate alone in the dark and horror, completely sinking in remorse as Kevin didn't even try to ease his fears by denying any of the words he blurted. Kevin didn't try to prove him wrong, Kevin didn't try to defend himself as he always would when he's not guilty of something.
Maybe it really was the end.
A straight-faced bartender placed the drink before him, even without him having to place his order. For the few recent months, he had been frequenting the bar for comfort , or in more details - alcoholic beverages that would help him drown away and forget his frustrations with the recent happenings, or maybe his recent outbreak of emotions that couldn't be concealed anymore as his limit of endurance had been reached and he could no longer smile, and step back, lying to himself that 'it's alright, maybe next time.' as he had always tirelessly chanted to himself religiously.
When they were told of the comeback, they were elated, of course. It was about time. Their fans might not be even one percent of what top tier groups born with major fandoms from big companies would have. They all knew it, but they had fans too. It was a fact. They received love too. They get jealous too, seeing other groups growing their fanbase with promotions and being on various shows. Why couldn't they get the same opportunity? Because their company had less influence in the industry? Because they're not marketable enough to be pimped for guaranteed popularity? No, correct that, he was thankful they didn't have to resort to that, even if they had less popularity. The last thing he would want is to be ed under the pretense of a singer, a star.
He was happy when they received green light for a full album release. They began working on it, and then Siwan's name broke into an unexpected fireworks of fame and interest from the entire public of Korea for a mere short appearance on a national drama. That only meant, more interest and attention on ZE:A. He was thankful. His once rival, back in the training days, had brought luck to their group. There was nothing to be jealous of. There really was nothing.
And then his life started to go down into a puddle of slump.
When he received a drama offer, he couldn't believe his ears. Acting had never been his thing. Well, he did have some tiny opportunities to act in musicals back then. But a drama...it was a shock. He had never seen it coming. He was just delivering his rejection, when Siwan came in with the brightest proud smile and good news that he got another drama offer, and as Siwan worded it, another opportunity to promote their group.
His rejection died in his throat before making its way to be heard by everyone. And he accepted the offer. A stupid decision, happened on impulse, because of his sudden competitive instinct. Siwan paraded himself as a hero for the group, when he knew Siwan would be more than happy to make name for himself. So, why would he let go the opportunity to also show what he could do for the group? He was told that the role is one of the main character. He even marveled at how his character was described on the drama website. Everyone shared his excitement and wished him well. He felt good. Things were starting to look up for them. Even Hyungsik got a drama offer around the same time as himself. They call the sudden flow of luck as 'the Siwan effect'. It didn't bother him so much. Because he knew it was the truth, and he was glad that the effect benefited everyone. After all, aren't they a team? Aren't they one?
Then he learnt the bitter truth that acting, really wasn't his thing. He had always been the one who would rather stay out of the spotlight for anything other than singing. He had always remain faithful to singing. He should remain that way. His role, he then learnt, was much smaller than it was publicized as. In fact, out of the eight supporting roles for the idol trainee roles in which he was casted as, he had the least scenes and appearance. He was told that his acting was too awkward so his role and scenes were cut down drastically. He was ashamed. He didn't know how to respond to people who kept asking him about his miniscule appearance in the show, he felt exposed; stripped to shame whenever he read comments at the drama board of people scrutinizing and lashing out at his horrible awkward acting. He felt hurt especially when he was compared to his successful bandmate turned actor, especially hurtful because of the old rivalry where he was the winner had taken the flip to the other side of the coin, where he could now understood what his bandmates probably felt whenever he kept coming on top whereas the others only get continous scolding, during their trainee days.
Quietly he admit defeat, agreeing that acting would be Siwan's field, and he wouldn't ever interfere there again. He could be satisfied with singing. There was no need for any rivalry anymore since they've found their respective fields to concentrate on.
He was wrong.
A blow came, from the direction he never would have guessed, when they received their title song, Aftermath. And then he was fed another spoonful of poisonous fate. He only had one solo line in the song. Same amount as the one known by the whole country as their worst singer, Kwanghee. Dongjun, the maknae who used to adored him with shining eyes, saying he wanted to be like his cool and awesome and perfect Kevin hyung, had taken over all the lines that would be his, back when he was the most prominent figure in the group's songs. Hyungsik's huge chunk of lines maintained. Heck, even Siwan, the actor, had more singing parts than him.
What happened? What went wrong? What was his fault, to be downgraded to that extent? The worst was yet to come, when it was decided that Kwanghee would be singing Junyoung's parts, since their leader injured himself not long before the comeback and couldn't join their promotion, unsurprisingly. It wasn't the first time Junyoung got injured and had to step back from performing with them.
So now, his status as a singer, is even below Kwanghee? How could he fathom that? It was sometime during the failure of his acting venture and the shocks that came along their album preparation that he began frequenting the bar not far from their company with cheap appearance. He couldn't care less about how his reputation would be affected by visiting such a place almost every night. It was a common knowledge that alcohol could help to erase unhappy, distressing thoughts off one's mind.
He wondered who created that lie. Perhaps some alcoholic drink company. He would go out late enough at night when he was sure nobody would be around to question his new midnight pastime. He would drank and drank just enough before he got too drunk, knowing he had to drag his body back home before he fell unconscious inside the bar. He is afterall an organized person. Every time, he made it back to his bed before losing consciousness.
The moment he woke up, he would felt nothing but the hangover pain in his head, but as the day progressed, all the suffocating frustrations would only come back. Whoever said alcohol could solve your problem, making you forget it all, lied. Yet, he would find himself going back to the bar, time and again. Maybe it had become a habit. Maybe he was just desperate for any sort of simple escapism, even if it never really worked.
"Hey, handsome, don't you ever get tired drinking the same thing everyday? Why don't you go for something different for once? Maybe a Soju Bomb or you know...you can buy me a wine or something."
He turned at the woman next to him at the bar. He hadn't noticed when she arrived or set herself there. Not that he wanted to care. She was scantily dressed with heavy eye makeups, just like any other women you'd expect to find at places like this. She wasn't worth his time. He had bigger problems to dwell over. What if Kwanghee made a scene after he pushed him. He regretted it a bit. What if he injured Kwanghee? They've just commenced their comeback promotions. What if Siwan really had left them the moment he wake up tomorrow morning? Would that mean, it'd be alright for him to leave and go back to his family and start planning for his own future too, then? The rest would do well, even without him, right?
"Well, you don't have to act so coy and noble. You're all the same anyway. Pretending to be pure and goody two shoes, hiding your dirty thoughts, but jumping at any free opportunities for one night stands. You guys are just cheap." The lady kept rambling, obviously at him, since there was no one else near herself. He would love to knock some sense into the lady's head to get a grip on herself and stop blaming her miseries on other people through her own assumptions. But then again, he couldn't care less. He shouldn't. He couldn't even find any light in his own pitch black situation.
"You see that girl over there? Look at how she pretends to be all respectable and modest. Trying to attract attention. But in the end, she would walk out linking arms with a stranger anyway, and we all know where that would lead to, so why pretend something you're not?"
Somehow, her last question struck a chord with him, though not for the situation she was referring to. He had lived all those years from the moment he stepped into the company as a foreign trainee, up until today, under a polite, well mannered, caring, and mature pretense. He had never once let his guard down in front of them. Even when he's angry, dissatisfied, disagree, he held it back in. He felt extremely tired of it, all of a sudden.
The moment he noticed the peculiar silence surrounding him, he realized the drunk ranting woman next to him had left. He glanced towards the other, more respectable looking woman pointed to him before, and true to his unknown drink-mate accusation, the woman then went up and walked out with a man he was oddly convinced, not someone she really knew. The frustrated scantily dressed drunk girl was right. Nothing was as it seemed, or what it supposed to be. Including himself. He was just like that coy girl. Fake, full of pretense. He didn't like what he has become, not anymore. He didn't like what they've become. Heck, nobody even cared anymore. Nobody. Everyone was just trying to hold onto a sinking boat for as long as possible, when obviously they all would drown along with the boat.
Just as he was about to make his way out of the bar, his phone buzzed.
'Hyung, where have you been? Are you alright?' sent by Dongjun.
He flipped back the phone into his pocket. Maybe he wouldn't arrive home too soon. He sighed, as the endless wrecking train of incohesive thoughts continues.
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ranting
Guyz, i need to apologize for a few things...
1. for not updating this fic this damn long.
2. the discord between this chapter n previous ones...because it's been a long time...i'm sure it's a bit off than earlier chaps...esp in length....oh....i couldn't do anything abt it...maybe i'm too lazy...
3. if any of the members' thoughts in this fic makes you uncomfortable...i'm sorry...i think i've a thing on mixing facts/real events with my common sense sick imagination. i hope your view on them doesn't change cuz of what you read n tbh, i don't even know how this will end yet...xD
anyway, i'm just freaking happy i finally crack my dormant cocoon n manage to update. i feel great. yay~ xD again, sorry if the chap , to those still reading this, thanks for sticking around. <3 n boy was it hard writing angst for a random song like Coy Girl....uhm...yeah. lol. i had to listen to other band's angsty songs to get in the mood. xDDD
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