_let's not

 

“No... No, it's okay... No, I understand, baby... I guess... I just hoped that you could manage to fit it in this time... No, trust me, I'm fine. I'll talk to you later, okay? ...Yeah... I love you, too.”

 

He wanted to throw the phone across the room. Instead, all he could manage was to slam it down on the table. He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head.

 

“Yoseob-ie? You okay?”

 

“Yeah, I'm...” He broke off, not really sure if the lie was sufficient this time. “I'll be fine.”

 

“So... she can't make it, huh?”

 

“No.” He shook his head, teeth gritted. “No, she can't.”

 

---

 

“I don't want to do this right now, Yoseob, okay?”

 

A grunt sounded on the other end of the line, and you flinched. “Sorry, I guess you're too busy, right? Okay. When do you think you can fit in some time for your boyfriend?”

 

“It's not like that, Yoseob. Please...”

 

“No, don't worry about it. Not like I'm not busy. Bye, ___.”

 

“I love you...” you whispered.

 

“Yeah.” Click.

 

---

 

“I'm sorry...” You stared solemnly at the laptop screen, your hand closed over your mouth to hide the deep frown you couldn't seem to get rid of. “I'm really sorry, Yoseob. I know it sounds like I'm just making excuses, but they've been giving me so much grief at work, and I've been so swamped at school. I haven't had much chance for personal time that isn't taken up by sleeping and eating... and sometimes not even those.”

 

His eyes were clearly focused on your image and not his own camera, but the way his fists were clenched in front of his mouth made you want to sob in frustration. “Yeah, I understand.”

 

“I-I'm...”

 

“No, ___, it's okay. I'm sorry for yelling.” He sighed, inching as close to the camera as he could and staring straight at it. Like he wanted to stare a hole right through it and to you. “I guess I've just been missing you a lot. And it doesn't help that we're both so busy.”

 

The urge to cry returned full-force, except now out of relief. You hated fighting with him. It was already bad enough that you barely saw his face, except through the other end of a screen. No matter how advanced technology got, there would never be a way to replace the comfort that contact could provide, especially when a couple was fighting. And with the two of you and the rough stage your relationship seemed to be hitting, it was even more crucial. What with Yoseob being so busy with their tour and everything, it was getting harder and harder to keep in contact, much less patch up the rips that kept popping up.

 

“I know, but it's no excuse for me. I'll try to manage a little better and make time, I swear.” You buried your face in your hands, hiccuping with the effort to keep the tears at bay. “I'm sorry I missed this concert.”

 

He let out a weak, quiet chuckle. “It's okay, baby... You're being too hard on yourself. You can only be so magical.” The teasing in his tone had you raising your head, furrowing your eyebrows. “Right?”

 

You couldn't hold back the reluctant, crooked smile. “Right.”

 

---

 

“Baby, I... I don't even know what to say...”

 

“It's okay. There's no need.”

 

“A-are you mad? I'm sorry. I'll keep trying, okay? I swear, I'll-”

 

“Don't even worry about it, Yoseob. I'm fine, okay?” You couldn't seem to keep the resentment from your voice. No matter how much you tried to convince him, to convince yourself, there was no denying that everything about the situation made you want to curse everything – especially the rotten circumstances of your relationship. “I'm fine. Don't keep trying. You might just make it worse.”

 

“You're mad.”

 

“No, I'm not mad.”

 

“Baby...”

 

“I said I'm fine, Yoseob, okay? Go to the event. I know how important it is. I can just... wait. The only thing I can do.”

 

“God, baby, if I could change it-”

 

“It doesn't matter.” You were on the verge of breaking again. It hurt too much. What's worse, you knew it wasn't his fault and yet you couldn't help but direct the anger at the only one accessible. “I'll talk to you later, alright?” The attempt to soften your tone failed miserably.

 

“A-alright, fine. I'll call you when I get home.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“I love you, baby.”

 

“I... I love you too, Yoseob.” Click.

 

---

 

“No...” The tired, broken moan on the other end of the line made his stomach drop. “I'm tired, Yoseob. I'm just so... tired.”

 

“Not like I'm not, ___. What do you think, I want to stay away from you for so long?” , that was not the answer he had planned in his head.

 

“No, that's not what I'm saying.” She paused, and the static made everything feel even more surreal. More horrifying. “But maybe we should just stop pretending like there's nothing wrong.”

 

“I'm not pretending, ___!” His voice was rising. It was like the reasonable voice in his brain was bound and gagged. “I'm trying hard to make this work! I don't like fighting with you practically every time we talk, especially since half the time I don't understand why. But don't make it sound like I'm the one pretending.”

 

The breath that sounded from the receiver made his chest hurt; it was shaky, like she was fighting tears. If she wasn't crying already. But of course, he'd just thrown a groundless accusation her way, so who could blame her. “I know, Yoseob. And I want to keep trying, I do, but-”

 

“But what?” Jaw clenching, he his lips before scoffing bitterly. “You know what, nevermind. If you feel the need to add anything to that at all, then maybe we're just doing the wrong things.”

 

“Yoseob, please, don't say that...” She was definitely crying.

 

Oh, God. It was out of control. It was getting wildly out of control. He could feel it slipping right between his fingers, and yet he couldn't seem to find a way to stop it.

 

“I don't think we have anything left to talk about, ___. Goodbye.”

 

“No-”

 

---

 

“How are you?”

 

“I'm not really sure how to answer that,” you admitted softly. “It hurts a lot, so at least I still have a gauge.”

 

“That's... understandable. It doesn't make me feel any safer about your health, but I'll take what I can get.”

 

“Is he...” You drifted off, not really sure how to ask. “How is he?”

 

From the opposite end of the line, Doojoon just sighed. “He's not doing well, ___... I can't see you right now, so I can't really compare, but he said he made a huge mistake. He feels horrible about it, ___. He won't eat. I can barely get him up for all our schedules... Would you...”

 

Before he could even finish, you interrupted with a bark of laughter – completely devoid of amusement. “No, oppa. If you know that he feels bad, then you know what he said. And I'm hoping that you can also understand how I feel about it. I won't force myself where I'm not wanted, Doojoon.”

 

He started to argue, but then seemed to think twice. “R-right. Well, I get it. I can't say I'm okay with it, but I get it.” He huffed loudly. “So I'll be over tomorrow to bring all your stuff? Does that sound okay?”

 

No, it didn't sound okay at all. “Y-yeah, that's fine. Thanks, Doojoon-oppa.”

 

“Sure, ___. Take care of yourself, okay? Call any of us if you need anything.”

 

“Just please take good care of him, oppa.” It was all you could manage before you doubled over, weeping silently.

 

---

 

Hi, you've reached ___. I can't get to the phone right now, so please-

 

He tossed the cell phone across the room, and it slammed heavily into the wall before landing on the carpeted floor in several pieces. Angry – and mostly at himself – he hopped up on his feet, stomping to grab the keys off the hook by the front door.

 

“Yoseob!”

 

He whipped around, nearly snarling in frustration. “I'm not gonna kill myself, Doojoon!”

 

“Then what the hell do you think you're doing? You haven't eaten or slept right for days and you expect me to let you get behind the wheel in rush hour traffic? Are you insane?”

 

He wanted to argue, but it felt useless considering it was taking all his effort to keep his grip on the keys and remain upright. “Then what do you expect me to do?” His hoarse voice sounded dismal, but he still forced the hard tone. “I'm done sitting here when I can go fix things with her! I don't care if she doesn't wanna see me. I can at least sit in front of her door and explain. And maybe if I beg enough, she'll give me another chance.”

 

“That's pathetic.”

 

Yoseob shook his head and scoffed. “Do I look like I give a right now?”

 

Doojoon seemed surprised at that, which made no sense considering everything that had come out of his mouth in the past few days. He was amazed s hadn't threatened to tape his mouth shut or throw him out of the dorm completely. Suddenly, Doojoon was coming at him full-speed, his arm outstretched. Yoseob didn't even have the energy left to flinch, much less to dodge whatever was coming. Thankfully, all Doojoon did was snatch the keys out of his hand with a roll of his eyes. “Good. I'm glad to hear it. I was getting close to beating both of you for being so stubborn.” He slung a heavy arm around Yoseob's shoulders, dragging him towards the door. “Come on, you lovesick bastard, I'll take you to your partner.”

 

---

 

You slipped the lock from the door, wiping viciously at your raw eyes with one hand, even though it didn't really matter. It had to be Doojoon with your things, just as he'd promised. But when the barest crack revealed Yoseob's sullen face, your muscles moved instantly to slam the door shut. Catching the reflex, a large palm slammed against the white wood of your front door. The force of it vibrated across your arms, and you didn't even get the chance to react before he was already pushing it wide open and stepping across the threshold.

 

“Wh-what do you want?” Your voice sounded frantic, defiant despite the rasp left behind by your tears.

 

“Baby...” His arm moved to push the door shut behind him. “Please...”

 

“No, Yoseob. You were right, okay? We have nothing left to talk about.”

 

His face contorted, like it pained him to hear it, and you were shocked to realize that for the first time in almost two months, you were seeing your boyfriend's face. Right in front of you. No screens between the two of you, no cameras. His face was free of all make-up, and you were able to discern, with heartbreaking clarity, how tired and stressed he was. It was there in the way his eyes were constantly narrowed and red from lack of sleep. It was there in the bags under his eyes and the crinkles of his forehead. It was there on the deep, broken frown on those usually smiling lips. The way he looked at you – with distressed, almost pleading gaze that was stark on the pale skin of his young face – made something in your chest clench painfully.

 

When he took the steps toward you, looking frighteningly like nothing – not even a nuclear bomb – would stop him, all you could do was follow that strong gaze. His hands came up to cup your face, guiding it up until you were close enough to feel his breath brushing over your cheeks. “Please, we have to stop. I need this to stop.”

 

Your eyes slid shut, and you moved to pull away from his hold. “Need what to stop? You were right, Yoseob. About everything. We're too angry, and we're hardly ever close enough to each other to fix it. Half the time, we don't even know why anymore.”

 

He scoffed. “It doesn't matter. None of that matters...”

 

“It does matter!” You yanked yourself away with a sob, slapping his arms away when he tried to reach for you. “How could you even say that? Of course it matters! I don't want to be in a relationship where all we do is fight!”

 

“I do!” His strained yell echoed off the silent walls. “I don't care if we fight! I want to be with you! I don't care if you hate me! I still want to be with you because I love you! And I know that's selfish, but I don't care! Because I don't know what I would do if you weren't in my life anymore, ___. I just... I just don't.” You watched through blurred vision as his hand extended weakly. “Please, ___. I need to know how to make it up to you. I need to know how to make this stop. I can't lose you.”

 

All you could do was stare at his outstretched hand. It was shaking. Even through the haze of your overflowing tears, you could see it. His whole body, no matter how much you could see him fighting to keep still, was trembling. “Yoseob...” Your throat was tight, closing in on the sobs that you couldn't seem to swallow. “I-”

 

“I know...” His words were startlingly clear, no matter how soft and cracked his voice was. “I know that... that it's hard to love me. That it's hard to stay strong in our situation. But I will try harder, ___. I will work hard to deserve your love and make you happy. I swear to you. Please, just give me another chance.” He held his hand out further, as if trying to bridge the space between the two of you. “Please...”

 

Before you could even fully process his words, you already saw your hand reaching out to take his. As soon as his warm palm met yours, you were yanked into a fierce embrace, his arms coming around you with vice-like grip. Your arms slid around his neck, squeezing just as tight, until you could barely breathe from the constriction on your lungs. Your pulse was pounding in your ears, tears still flowing down your bright red cheeks.

 

“God, I've missed you so much,” he whispered in your ear, kissing your neck lightly. “I'm sorry, ___. I really am. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it. I was just caught up in the moment. I was feeling so stressed out from everything, and I was missing you so bad. And then I realized that maybe-”

 

You silenced the rest of his rambling apology with a kiss, holding his face between your hands and pressing your lips squarely on his. “It's okay. And I'm sorry too. We both messed up, okay?”

 

“Baby, no.” His hands slid up to cup your chin as he shook his head. “No, please. Don't apologize for this. You didn't- I was unreasonable. I never-” He broke off, teeth gritted. “I was way out of line, talking to you like I did. And I can never take that back.”

 

You didn't bother arguing with that. It wasn't like he would listen anyway, judging from the set line of his jaw.

 

“I don't know how I can ever earn your trust again, ___. I don't know how I can ever deserve it again.”

 

You shook your head at the ridiculous notion. He was being too hard on himself now. Of course, it hurt. You could, on a single hand, count the times when he even raised his voice with you. But the tensions had been running high for far too long. The two of you handled it wrong. Neither one should take the blame all alone. You silenced his self-berating with a soft kiss. “Stop it. We're both guilty. We can't fix this if we're gonna base anything on blame.”

 

He just stared down at you for a long, quiet moment, his forehead creasing. “R-right... God, baby... I love you so much. Please, let's not do this again.”

 

All you could do was nod in agreement. “Let's not.”

 

---

 

end note: My feelings were running high for Yoseob. So this was borne from that. Hope you liked. (: