Teukie hyung’s words kept echoing my mind. I couldn’t even concentrate doing the shoot, I couldn’t memorize my lines either.

The director told me to have a break, and if I was still feeling unwell, I would be allowed to reschedule my shooting part. I sighed deeply, this was so not me for not being professional and messing my work with my own problem.

I chose to wander around the shooting place to refresh my mind. Suddenly my eyes caught someone who looked so familiar.

“Siwon-ssi,” that tall man greeted me.

“Changmin-ssi,” I greeted him back as I recognized he was Changmin, the member of DBSK, a friend of mine and indeed a very close friend of Kyu. “what brings you here, Changmin-ssi?” he smiled at me as he answered that he would be one of the cast who would appeared in the drama I was taking part. He would play as a guest star. We were at the same management, and DBSK had debuted before Super Junior did. Yes we knew each other but we weren’t that close.

We talked from one subject to another, about the pressure of being an entertainer, the endless tight schedule we had to face everyday which leaving no space for ourselves nonetheless. We always stuck every time we tried to bring out a new topic, it was so funny that we forced ourselves to spend time together, talking anything that didn’t work out.

But there was one thing in common we could share the same interest, it was Kyu. How he would pout every time he lose, how he would eat anything but he despised vegetable as if it was poisonous, how he would be that snarky and had a sharp tongue if he was in the bad mood. How Kyu tried his best to improve his dancing skills, how he forced himself until his limit for everything he did. And  many more.

I envied them for their close relationship. It was like Changmin-ah knew Kyu better than I did and it was so uncomfortable for me to notice the glowing eyes Changmin had every time he said something about Kyu. What happened to me exactly? Was it jealousy?

I was brought down to earth again when I heard Changmin’s high pitch tone calling my name. He said he had to take his leave because his manager called him to go to their next destination.

The rest of the day was not good either, my mind was so full of Kyu. i listened to all his songs from my IPOD and I found myself smiling, I always loved his voice, it made my heart warm. Then I didn’t even know how but I asked manager hyung to buy me bubble tea just like what Kyu always ordered-‘no ice, half sugar, more pearls’-just to remember the taste he always liked. I thought I was going to crazy over this.

No, this is wrong. This is so damn wrong for God’s sake! Maybe I was just being dragged by my own thought and mislead me. I couldn’t feel like this to my own dongsaeng. This isn’t right. I couldn’t like him more that I should. I am a straight guy and will always be like that as it’s the normal people should be. Maybe Kyuhyun was just exaggerating things, wasn’t he? Maybe he didn’t love me in that way. Maybe he was just respecting me and leaning on me so much and he thought that it was love.

I took my mobile phone from my bag and looked at the pictures I saved there. There were many pictures of me and the members, also me and Kyuhyun. There was when Kyu was wearing wig and he was so cute and beautiful.

No, I couldn’t have this kind of thought.

Then I just picked some pictures with someone, a girl still from the same management.

And, I uploaded it on my social network account still not just that picture but also many pictures when I was attending a music show with all the members. But I included the picture of me hugging that certain girl, the girl that was always being rumored with me, Stella. 

I didn’t know what I was doing and how the reaction would be. 

(Skip time)

It was pretty late when I arrived at the dorm. I was so spacing out when my manager and Teukie hyung stood there with an unreadable expression. I knew that I just made a huge mistake.

“Explain yourself Siwon!” Teukie hyung said to me sternly, he was so upset, I could see that from his face.

“I just wanted to post some selcas but I wasn’t really aware that Stella’s pic is uploaded too.” I knew it was a lame excuse. But surely I didn’t know how to explain as I had nothing to say. Manager hyung just said that I should’ve be more careful and that the company would do something to cut off the rumor.

The manager already left and Teukie hyung looked me angrily. Teukie hyung didn’t say anything when manager hyung was here. I could guess what he wanted to say though. All the members rose up from their seats, minus Kyu. I didn’t even see him since I entered this building.

“Why I don’t see Kyu? Where is he?” I asked Kibummie who stood next to me.

“You don’t need to bother yourself asking about Kyu. You are such a contradiction. For someone who’s not even trying, you did a pretty good job to hurt other’s feeling. You do have talent for that Siwon.” Chullie hyung replied coldly.

“Oh, and one more, you do this because you don’t accept that Kyu is a homoual, don’t you? If you do hate homoual or gay, I’d like to tell you that I am one of them. So you better hate me too.” Chullie hyung’s words shocked me. I didn’t hate him, I didn’t hate Kyuhyun for heaven’s sake. I couldn’t hate Kyu. I cared of him so much comparing to other members honestly.

“Kim Heechul!” Teukie hyung warned. “It’s not the right time to fight, we have to find Kyunnie. I am afraid he is nowhere to find and he’s not fully recovering too. Chullie and Hanggeng, go to TVXQ and Shinee’s dorm, ask them if they know where’s Kyu. Donghae and Hyukkie, go to the SM building and try to find him there. Sungmin and Shindong, call his family and his friends from college, Siwon and Kibum, go search around the dorm and the rest waits here. If anyone of you got any news, tell me and manager hyung directly, you got it?” Teukie hyung ordered us.

I eyed Teukie hyung, so Kyu disappeared and that was my fault. I wasn’t thinking. I gulped down. Why I always hurt him. Why I always did that? Kyu was never ever hurting me in any possible way.

Changmin POV

I was so shocked when Yunho hyung told me about that rumor, about Siwon-ssi posted some pictures of Super Junior members and there was a picture of him and Stella-ssi too which blazed out and be the hottest issue people kept discussing on the internet.

What I didn’t understand was what was he up to? I met him just a few moments ago. I could swear for all the food I’ve eaten that Siwon-ssi liked Kyu too. The way he talked about Kyu was different. Might be he was too confused over this. Might be he was not ready to admit that everything turned out like this. I understood it well. But I couldn’t see Kyu suffering like this.

My phone rang. It’s Teukie hyung from Super Junior.

“yobosseyo Teukie hyung. What’s up?”

“yobosseyo Changmin-ah, is Kyu with you now?” I frowned at the question. Kyu? I didn’t see him today after we parted last night.

“He is not with me hyung. What happens with Kyu?”

“Kyu disappears, Minnie-ah. We are still trying to find him. if he calls you or you meet him, please tell us, okay? “ Teukie hyung sounded so worry.

“Ne hyung. I will.” Teukie hyung hang up the call. I grabbed my coat and. There was one place I could think of where Kyu might be. The rooftop of the building.

There he was. Curling himself like a ball in the corner. The wind was breezing and it was so damn cold. Kyu didn’t wear a coat, sweater or jacket, he was just wearing a thin t-shirt. I felt so useless looking at someone I loved turned into such a mess and I couldn’t do anything. If I could, I would steal away his pain and kidnapped him from all his sorrow. But I couldn’t.

I hugged him from the back, held him tightly and rested my arms, covering him so he would feel the warmth I had. He rested his head on my shoulder, leaned back on me.

“I couldn’t bear it any longer Min..” he whispered.

“I know.” We were in silent for minutes when suddenly he turned his body and faced me.

“Minnie-ah,, do you love me?” I widen my eyes. Where did this question come from?? I waited him to continue because I didn’t know what Kyu was up to.

“I love Siwon hyung, but on the other side I’m tired of loving him. It is really painful to love him. I know you love me, don’t you? Don’t say that you don’t. Because somehow, I’ve known it. I’m sorry if I was pretending not to know that. cuz I don’t want this friendship changed. You are my bestfriend.” Kyuhyun began to sob as he gripped my shirt tightly. His face was buried completely on my chest.

“But now, please make me to love you. Make me to love you so I don’t get hurt from loving Siwon hyung, Minnie… sarangheyo, sarangheyo…”

Siwon POV

Kibummie and I were in front of the rooftop door when we heard voice. It sounded like Kyu’s voice, and I believed I wouldn’t have mistaken that.

“Minnie… sarangheyo.. sarangheyo..”

I was frozen to hear that. Without I even realized what on earth I did, I turned over and walked away, leaving Kibum there. My mind was blank as I couldn’t think about anything but Kyu’s word. “Minnie… sarangheyo…saranheyo..”

 I was in my car, sitting down behind the stir wheel. I found it hard to breath while Kyuhyun’s voice kept haunting me.

“DAMN IT” I banged the stir wheel to release my anger. ‘why on earth I had to be this angry?’ I gripped the wheel till my knuckles turned white. I couldn’t be careless about that. what I was feeling now was that there was something on my cheek.

I, Choi Siwon, was crying…