eleven

We stayed silent and still for a long time after the Queen's departure. It was almost like the sound of nature had swallowed us entirely. I couldn’t muster up the courage to look at Baekhyun’s face but I had the urge to speak up from the embarrassment bubbling inside me.

“She is right,” I gulped, the knot tightening around my throat, “You’re on the track to getting married and I... I shouldn't be getting swept away with the past. We can’t act like we were when we were children. Things have changed, haven’t they? This is not how one should be acting when you are looking for a wife.”

Baekhyun, in shock, casted his gaze towards me with his eyes full of betrayal. It stung how hurt he looked. I instantly regretted being so harsh with my words but our rejection to what is expected wouldn't change the outlook of our paths. 

“You said so yourself,” I inhaled, torn from that frown etched on his mouth, “You need to think of who the best match for your Kingdom. It is what’s written in your fate as a Son of Hanseong.”

He looked away hiding the pang of pain that flashed across his face. He paced around, unsure of what to do with his body, as he managed the words to put together. He finally opened his mouth once he abruptly stopped his pacing and turned to me, “I rather you tell me you were getting married to someone you fell in love with instead of agreeing with my mother. Then, at least, I would know you were following your heart than following her orders.”

“Love?” I repeated, my voice void of control, “What position do I have to freely choose love? What freedom do I posses to disobey Her Majesty?”

“I don’t know!” Baekhyun raised his voice, seeming more panicked than I had ever seen him. It was the first time he had shouted at me and every syllable had stung right through my soul. I gritted my teeth to stop me from spilling tears. I wasn't sure what was stirring my emotions. Perhaps the embarrassment or the uncertainty of my own future that was now playing in my mind. Perhaps it was something else...

“What are we doing?” I whispered out.

“Nothing, we are doing nothing,” He forcefully said to convince himself of his lie. I didn’t know exactly the intentions hidden away in my heart, but it was certainly something. Nothing wouldn't sting like this.

Baekhyun cleared his throat, “We are simply getting acquainted again. That is all.”

He was unconvinced of his own word and it was written all over his face.

“Then perhaps we should stay as such.” I recommended, “As acquaintances.”

He closed his eyes painfully regretting what he had said.

He buckled, “Kaira-”

“Maybe,” I felt my voice shake, “If you look a bit deeper into the eligible women here, and yes, even Duchess Binna, you could find someone who will fit the role. Perhaps you could convince yourself that her status is enough... suitable even.”

And with that I began to turn away, pressing my lips together to keep my chin from quivering. I wish I could say I escaped before the Prince saw me crying but I didn’t. It was enough humiliation for one night.

I was pulled back and wheeled around as big fat hot tears rolled down my cheeks. My vision had been watery and blurred but I could clearly see his face twisted in pain to see me in such distress, especially knowing it came from him. He cupped my face with his hesitant hands and with his gentle thumbs, wiped the tears off my cheeks.

“Whatever are you crying for Miss Kaira?” He whispered; brows knitted in concerned. I longed to share it with him but I couldn't.

I gritted my teeth and sniffed, “I don’t even know, Your Highness, truly. I don’t know why I’m upset.”

He gulped, standing still for a moment before bringing me in close for an embrace. His warmth set my skin on fire and I melted into his form. My discomfort was slowly soothed as I felt a final shaky breath rattled within my lungs. I let out a small hiccup which cause him to chuckle. Feeling the rumble of his laugh on the side of my face sent me in a bit of a daze.

“You will always be Cherished Kaira to me,” He softly said, “I don’t care who I’m forced to marry.”

Just as I was comforted by the simple pleasure of his arms, there was a knot that twisted violently in my throat. I almost felt like I couldn’t breathe and it reminded me of the reality.

I sniffed, “I should go.”

“Is it the same feeling I get?” He said tightening his embrace to stop me from leaving, “When I think of you and your prospects?”

I let out a dry laugh. I wiggled out of his arms when he was sure I wouldn't run off. I wiped my own tears ungracefully with the palm of my hands, “My Prince, I doubt I would have any prospects if they ever knew who I truly was. Their interest is blinded by the mystery of this myth. I have nothing to offer other than the possibility of a earnest stubborn wife.”

Baekhyun smiled warmly at me, “So you see my concern.”

I squeezed my eyes in a slight frustration, “No, I don’t.”

“You don’t see what everyone else sees,” He pointed out circling around me as he mused out his thoughts, “And you certainly haven’t considered how I see you.”

I crossed my arms, sending him a light glare, “How do you see me?”

His mouth parted and then shut... and then parted again as he tried to look for the words to say. Even in the night, with only the moon as cool light, I was able to see the warm pink dot at Prince Baekhyun's cheeks. I waited for a moment for his response until my own insecurities shut my hopes down. I would never be able to land myself a great man like my mother is wishing for and, even if I did, I would have to give up all of what I loved to do.

“You are like sparks.” He simply said.

My thoughts of my unsettling future were interupted, “What?”

Baekhyun blinked rapidly as he bashfully looked down and tried to make sense of his thoughts.

“You are like sparks,” He said again as if that made more sense, “Every time I see you, there are sparks.”

I shook my head, “I don’t follow.”

“You know how sparks are tiny bits of hot ember,” He explained using his fingers to show how tiny sparks were, “But they’re super bright and dangerous?”

“I’m dangerous?” I questioned, unsure if I was following his logic correctly.

Baekhyun scrunched his nose, “I feel like you would be quite dangerous if I don’t explain quickly."

I sent him another well deserved glare for even suggesting I was some dangerous woman when angry. 
 

Unaffected, Baekhyun continued, "Sparks have the potential to turn into fire for guidance in the dark, for warmth in the coldest nights and sparks have so much to offer if they can wield their power.”

I cocked my head, “I'm dangerous and powerful? Me? A simple common woman?”

Baekhyun smiled, “And it’s hard to look away.”

“You know, Your Highness,” I mused, feeling a bit better from crying, “You do have a way with words. I could see why you are so popular amongst the court ladies.”

Baekhyun lowered his lids, “You like to bring them up a lot, are you perhaps jealous?”

My mouth dropped, “No, why would I be?”

He narrowed his eyes playfully, “Well there must be a reason why you mention them unprovoked...twice may I add.”

It felt like he was putting all the pieces together that I couldn’t solve for myself because I was too busy cherishing how each of his eyelashes and skin glistened in the moonlight or how his smile was as perfect as the creation of earth.

“Perhaps the same reason why I feel this vexation when you mention your prospects and a future without me?” He egged on.

There was a weakness that wavered down to my knees, nearly buckling under my weight. It was like my body understood whole heartedly before I was able to resgister. When the realization sunk, I nodded in understanding accepting the unspoken feelings that were undeniably there. 

“I suppose your mother was wrong in separating us,” I inhaled, “We could have naturally grown apart with time but now-”

"All I want to do is spend every waking moment with you," Baekhyun interrupted, pausing for a moment, “While I'm expected to find a wife... the timing couldn't be worse.”

I paused but then nodded, “It’s quite a shame, isn’t it? All these years wasted.”

“Yes and no,” He responded, “I can only speak on my truth. I was not happy when you were taken from me, but now, I can confirm that my affection for you was pure and true… and unwavering.”

I gulped, finally hearing the confirmation that I was just understanding, “Unwavering? As in…”

He nodded shyly but took my hands to ground himself before he got carried away, “You don’t need to respond, I simply want to speak my feelings out of me. I don’t know what I would do if I spent another day without telling you.”

“Your Highness,” I said, my voice cracking at the prospect of Prince Baekhyun being in love with me, out of all the eligible women at his request. All he had to do his place my hand on his firm chest and I could feel a defined thudding against his chest that was far faster than I thought possible. It was elating and worrisome at the same time. “Is it not concerning you that this would never work? Your mother’s disapproval would possibly separate us more if she was a witness to your confessions.”

Baekhyun frowned, “How could I be happy with another when I can't imagine a future without you in it. I wouldn’t imagine keeping you as a secret either. How could I hide the source of my pleasures?”

As flattered as I was, I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to be anything more to Prince Baekhyun than a mistress and that’s not a position I wanted to be in. I had my freedom for now and life as a royal seemed too constricting. I could never ask him to give up his title for me.

“You know what would make me happy?” I asked trying to steer the conversation somewhere else, “I would like to live once more in a home like my childhood home. It would be wonderfully cozy in the forest where I could get lost collecting herbs and plants to make my own soaps. A simple kind of life… would you like that?”

Baekhyun became quiet as he thought of my own life passions. Perhaps they didn’t align with his expectations but even if they had, he was still a Son of Hanseong, and there was much to give up for someone he felt unwavering feelings for.

“Perhaps it would be easier to stay as good friends,” He offered sadly and I nodded to agree. A hairline fracture cracked through my heart and I winced at the pain when we agreed on the boundaries of this relationship. He gave me a curt smile and hugged me once more.

“Don’t you leave me then Kaira,” He mumbled, “No matter who you choose to marry promise, you won't stray too far away from my sights.”

With that, he took his leave, leaving my heart bleeding out as that anxious thudding replicated his own.

I had returned to my mundane life. I spent the following days sneaking out of the house before anyone woke up. I organized orders early in the morning for Madam Min, I helped her clean, and greet customers who knew me only by Miss Kim.

It had been quite a dive into work but it had been necessary. If I hadn’t drown myself in tasks, I would let my mind wander and dwell on the night that made my heart soar and shatter it as well. It was better to keep busy. Also, it was best to avoid my family at the moment who have been accepting the company of interested men in my absence.
 

I feared that by one look at me they would figure out how tormented I was with the Prince's affections. However, they couldn’t quite figure out what was going on with my lack of appearance.

If I had to guess, I would place my hard-earned money on my brother to find out that I had been scolded by the Queen. I wasn’t sure if the Queen had silenced all of those who had witnessed Baekhyun and I reprimands but it seems that piece of juicy gossip that would be hard to not pass on.

I impressively was able to stamp him out of most of my day thoughts surrounding Baekhyun, but it was impossible at night. His face haunted my dreams that twisted my fate a million different ways and none of them helped me fix my worries. I’d often shake myself out of a painful dream, gasping for air from a sob that escaped my lips when I couldn’t find him in my dreams. It was a fear that had been speared by the Queen herself. 

I didn’t know why I was so hurt from defining what was right and what lines should be made in order to remain in each other's lives. It was a simple and clear resolution but I buried deeply my wish for an answer that was unattainable to me.  

One morning, a week after the Fete, I came down exhausted from the terrible sleep I had been getting when I saw my family at the table eating. They all gave me a long look as I stood there caught in an off day. I rubbed my eyes and approached them tiredly.

“You are up early,” I pouted, knowing my mother will foreseeably stop me from going to work today, especially since I hadn’t seen her at all these past few days and judging from the bouquet of flowers that adorn the sun room, I'm sure she was waiting to introduce me to some prospects.

Jongdae snorted, “Early? Is she mad?”

“Dear,” My mother hummed out, “Why don’t you join us for lunch. You look awfully tired.”

“Have you ever seen a panda in person?” Jongdae asked me with a giant smirk on his face. I scowled at him and inhaled.

“I think I rather sleep a bit more.” I confessed which brough about another round of curious looks of my family. My father turned to my mother and nodded.

“Shall we call for a doctor?” He suggested.

I waved them off, “I’m fine, I just haven’t had the best sleep.”

My mother pursed her lips, “Are you sure that Madam Min isn’t laboring you too much? You work all day until night and there are some guest we've had that would have love to be introduced to you, Kaira.”

 

I stood there unmoving and accepting the concerns of my family without much of a fight. I nodded and repeated that I needed more sleep. Perhaps, a nice afternoon nap would help me regain some strength to meet perhaps one prospect if the faceless stranger was keen.

I dragged myself away for another sleep. Luckily this time, I dreamt of nothing. I suppose I had tortured myself so much even my mind was tired of creating dreams. When I woke up later on, I could smell it was supper. Although I still was a bit tired, I felt the hunger pains. I quickly dressed myself in a simple dress and rushed down, in hopes that I could grab something warm to eat.

I had found my mother in the middle of her meal with Jongdae seated next to her. I greeted her with a bit more energy as I sat down. A plate was placed in front of me and I quickly thanked my mother and the servants for a delicious looking plate of food.

“So I suppose you won’t be attending tomorrow’s event?” My mother asked.

I took a long look at her for a moment, blank in the face. She huffed and tapped with her napkin, “My dear it is the Honoring of Prince Junmyeon. Surely you were invited. Jongdae, were you not just telling me that the invitation was extended to your sister." "

"Unfortunately," Jongdae grumbled. 

I shrugged, “Even if I was, I’m not required to go.”

My mother gasped as if it had been the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard, “What makes you think you could refuse an invitation straight from the palace? Lay sent a message to confirm the delivery of your next dress this morning.”

I shook my head, “I don’t even want to think about any more parties.”
 

Jongdae twisted his face in pain, as he was not happy to admit it himself, “The Crowned Prince also is requesting you to perform a tea ceremony tonight for his private pre-function. Considering that their family has done so much for us, we should repay them in any way we can.”



I blinked at my mother in shock of the news as well as how Jongdae was not arguing with vigor, “You promised that I would only attend two functions this year. I’ve fulfilled my duties that we agreed on. I want to go back to work.”

“Kaira,” My mother snapped, “You cannot stop your appearances now! Jongdae has already gathered enough information of the prospects that your failed to host this past week. We can have a possible match if you continue to attend the functions as well as be present for their visits.”

“Yes,” Jongdae’s voice drawled as he slouched into his chair, looking rather annoyed, “It’s best you don’t skip out, sister. As much as it pains me to admit, your attendance at these events, let’s just say, have garnered a lot of interest. There are a few men that have requested for a dance tomorrow. I’ve promised about six men…”

Suddenly the thoughts of sparks and being fizzled out by an unsuitable prospect filled me with dread. Could I really go through a proper courtship with the Prince constantly on my mind?

Maybe this will be a lot more difficult than I hoped for.

Ah, the trials of love. I'll be taking a moment for the next days to add some decorations and photos to the past chapters so please just give me a moment before I update the next chapter. I cross my fingers that it will be soon!