Few minutes have passed since Eric walked away and Hyesung is still on the top of the tower. He stared at the lock and the words engraved on it.

‘Eric ♡ Hyesung’

Another teardrop fell from his eyes. Why are those words so easy to be engraved, so easy to say but so hard to turn into reality? He asked himself before putting the lock into the tower’s railings. He locked it in a place where it could be easily seen.

Why is it so hard to get inside of Eric’s hard-locked heart?

Hyesung let himself calm down first before wiping his tears away and started walking.

He felt so embarrassed after crying in a public place. He can even hear people talking about him.

“Mom, why is that guy who looks like a prince crying?” said by a little girl while pointing at Hyesung.

“They just have a lovers' quarrel. You’ll understand it when you grow up. Or rather, when you grow up don’t find a guy who is like the man earlier okay? Handsome guys would only cause you headaches.”

Lovers' quarrel? Hyesung can’t help but to scoffed at those words. If only they would pass as lovers. The only foundation of their ‘relationship’ is a love that will never be reciprocated.

The child nods and replied, “I’ll grow up fast so that I will marry the prince and save him from the scary dragon earlier.”

How can the child still thinks of me as a prince when I look so pathetic right now?

If only Hyesung was with his usual awkward and shy self then he would already hide himself with his hoodie then run away. But today, he was just walking casually as if he didn’t cried like a fool earlier. He was in so much pain that he cannot bother the stares of other people.

As he went down from the tower alone, he realized something.

Oh right. Shin Hyesung you have to take the public transportation to go back home.

Hyesung started walking and with a heavy sigh, he just accepted his fate that he will go to back to their apartment alone.

Few seconds later, he noticed something... a familiar car was following behind him and Hyesung became aware of the situation. So he waited for me? Is he worried?

Hyesung shook his head like a madman. Wake up Shin Hyesung and stop getting your hopes up. Of course he is worried that you will go home alone. You are friends for twelve years after all.

He was scolding his self for so long that he didn’t notice that the car was already beside him. The only time that he became aware with the presence of the car beside was when he heard a loud honking.

Hyesung almost cursed from the loud noise. It was not his first time today that he got shocked from that honking.

“Get in.” Eric said. It’s getting dark and he can’t let Hyesung walk on his own.

Hyesung’s heart aches as he glanced at the driver. Their eyes met. He can’t help but ask himself. What if I’ll run away? What if I’ll get out of his life even for a day? Will he look for me like a crazy man? Will he miss me? Will he cry like he did when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend?

He sighed before opening the car door and get inside. The answer is no obviously. So sad but it’s true. Eric only cared for him as a friend and the only person who could affect Eric so much is his ex-girlfriend.

“Waahhh. It’s a good thing that you waited for me. Although, I think that it’s good to have a night walk once in a while.” Hyesung said awkwardly as he put on his seat belt with trembling hands.

Hyesung pretend as if nothing happened. As if he didn’t cried so hard a while ago. He decided not to make a big deal about it. In the end, he will be the only one who will get hurt. After all he is just Shin Hyesung who loves Eric so endlessly but receives nothing in return.

Eric glanced at him, he was wondering what Hyesung was thinking. Meanwhile, Hyesung closed his eyes to avoid Eric’s gaze. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

It seems like Eric had read Hyesung’s mind so he just turned the steering wheel and head home with the torturing silence.

Thirty minutes have passed and they finally arrived their own apartment. They took their shoes off and hang their jackets in the coat rack to make it a bit comfortable despite the suffocating atmosphere between them.

Hyesung headed at the kitchen, he noticed that Eric is heading to their bedroom so he asked him. “Hey, aren’t you going to eat anything?”

To which Eric coldly replied, “I’m tired.” He entered the bedroom and shut the door.

Are you tired from the long walk or just tired of me? Hyesung sighed then turned back to their refrigerator. He was so hungry but had no energy to cook for a proper meal. So, he’s just looking for a decent food to fill his stomach. To his frustration, he cannot find anything in their fridge so he just grabbed a can of beer and a lonely triangle kimbap in the food cabinet.

He sat in the chair and placed the beer and triangle kimbap on the table. He removed the plastic wrap and took a small bite on the triangle kimbap.

Triangle kimbap for dinner. That’s great. He laughs sarcastically.

After that, he grabbed the beer with his free hand but his other hand slipped. The next thing he knew is that... the triangle kimbap slash his only dinner is now on the floor.

He picked it up and blow off some dirt as if it works. And like an idiot, he sobbed once again. Nothing was working according to plans.

“I just wanted to be happy. Is it bad?” He turned his attention to his now unappetising dinner then eat it once again. I looked so pathetic right now. He hissed. Why do I always force myself to this kind of situation.

It seems like Hyesung got mad as he starts talking to the kimbap. “This kimbap doesn’t like me so it fell on the floor. But here I am pathetically tricking myself as if it’s still fine when it’s actually not.” He glanced towards their bedroom and asked himself, is it still about the kimbap?

He grabbed the beer and drank the bitter fluid. Another trail of tears fall from his eyes as he remembered the conversation with his little brother.

***

FEW MONTHS AGO...

Hyesung’s frown instantly turned into a smile when he heard a knock from their apartment’s door. As soon as the door opened he threw his arms around his little brother.

“Jinnie!”

“Ah hyung!” His little brother hugged him back. “I miss you.”

Hyesung’s smile got even wider when his brother aka baby bird kissed his cheeks.

“How are you?” Hyesung asked as he lead his brother to the couch.

Junjin’s eyebrows furrowed then he pinched his nose bridge. Hyesung got a bit worried but it all turned into a hiss when his brother continued, “Still as handsome as ever.”

Jinnie laughed then asked his older brother the same question. Hyesung replied, “Here. I feel better ‘cause you’re here.”

“Better?” Jinnie raised his eyebrow. Hyesung gulped at the slip of his tongue. “Oh no... nothing. Let’s sit.” He pats the couch to divert his brother’s attention.

Junjin looked around as he sat down to the couch. “Where’s Eric hyung?” He asked.

“Oh he went outside to buy some food.”

As Junjin heard the word ‘outside’, he grinned then took the opportunity to tease his older brother. “Ey hyung! How it feels like to live with the person you love?” He hits his brother’s shoulder as he bombards him with questions. “So, when are you going to get married? Are you going to adopt a child or perhaps use science?”

“Science? Jinnie, whatever you are thinking please stop.” With his hands up motioning to stop his brother.

But it didn’t affect Junjin. Instead he wiggled his eyebrows and continued. “Like... artificial insemination? Have you ever talked about finding a surrogate mother?”

“JINNIE!” Hyesung screamed at the top of his lungs. He face turned so hot and he know for sure that he is already blushing so much.

“Oh sorry hyung, I’m so excited to become an uncle. Am I thinking too forward?” Junjin laughs, he really like it when two red dots starts to form from his brother’s puffy cheeks. “But the both of you are already in your early 30’s, you’re in the right age to talk about those kind of things.” Hyesung’s face got even redder than before... to Junjin’s amusement.

“Okay, anyway let’s change topic.” Junjin grinned once again. “Yesterday was your anniversary... tell me what happened. You even reserved a seat in a restaurant in your first monthsary. It’s such a shame that you had a stomach ache that time. But for sure, your anniversary is something grand. So... tell me.”

Hyesung looked down, he knows that the things he’s about to say will disappoint his little brother. His brother will be even more frustrated if he will know the fact that he just lied having a stomach ache in their monthsary. The truth behind it was Eric doesn’t want to go out that time. So Hyesung just asked Andy and Junjin to eat in the restaurant.

Hyesung forced a smile. “Jinnie, we decided not to celebrate anniversaries.”

“But why?” Junjin had a bad feeling about this. He knows how Eric likes celebrating anniversaries. Eric would always ask them to help him in surprising his girlfriend.

“What did you do then?” Junjin became serious.

“Sleep” Hyesung looked at him in the eye.

“Slept together?”

“No, he worked overtime.” Hyesung smiled bitterly.

This made Junjin so agitated. He actually waited for Eric to ask him in surprising his hyung. When he didn’t get any call from Eric, he thought that Eric just want to celebrate their anniversary in an intimate way. Unless...

“He doesn’t love you Hyung?” Junjin needs a direct answer. Although, the only thing he received is silence.

“What is this living together scheme then? Just a joke?” Junjin started to get angry. He tried calm himself down and said, “Don’t tell me you became like those female side character in a cheesy drama who will beg the male protagonist to love them. The one who will say, ‘use me as much as you want just forget about her’. Tell me hyung, you aren’t like that right? Right?” Junjin remembered the drama he recently watched. He tried to imitate the female character to lighten up the atmosphere. He only said that as a joke... but he was so shocked to see how his brother took it seriously.

“HYUNG!” Junjin shouted which made Hyesung’s shoulders to twitch. “So it’s true?” The younger brother kicked the table in front of him. He brushed his hair with his hands and furiously asked, “Where’s Eric hyung?”

“Jinnie, please calm down” Hyesung’s hands is on his brother’s shoulder, trying hard to stop him. “It’s my idea in the first place.”

“That’s what made me furious! You are an intelligent person hyung. Why would you make a fool on yourself?!” Junjin stood up.

“Jinnie, he will... he might... learn to love me.” Hyesung’s voice became more and more inaudible as he speak. He is losing confidence.

“Hyung! Can you even hear what you are saying? Have you lost your mind?” Junjin cannot believe what he is hearing right now. He took a deep breath and stood up. “Hyung, pack your things now. We’ll go somewhere... far away from here.”

“Jinnie, please...” Tears were starting to form from Hyesung’s eyes. He feels so stupid in front of his brother. He knows for sure that he became a big disappointment. But he doesn’t know what to do, we lost his sense to rationalise. “One way or another... it will work.”

“What if it don’t?” Junjin fiercely asked his brother. The question had made Hyesung stop. He doesn’t know what to reply.

“I’ll make sure that you will leave him when it happened.” Junjin said in a serious tone, more like a threat.

***

Getting married... adopting a child... having a nice future together...

It may sound pathetic but it could only happen to Hyesung’s wildest dreams. He starts sobbing once again, he feels so small and stupid for thinking that could actually work out when it’s already clear that won’t happen.

He cried so hard. He let out all of the emotions that he couldn’t pour out earlier.

It took him a few seconds to get a grip on himself. He tried to stop himself from crying but failed. He covered his mouth with his hand, he shouldn’t let his sobs be heard through the bedroom. But it only made him much harder to breathe. It’s literally and figuratively suffocating.

He is sobbing nonstop until he heard the sound of the door of the bedroom opening. He hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes when Eric came out of the bedroom. “Aren’t you going to sleep?” he asked.

“You can’t sleep? Sorry.” Hyesung said while shifting his gaze away from Eric.

Hyesung cleaned the table and prepared himself to go to the bed. Once he entered the bedroom, he saw Eric lying into their bed. Probably sleeping. Hyesung lie down beside Eric. He pulls the corner of the blanket and covers himself. He even fixed the blanket so that Eric would be able to sleep so warmly. The skinny man turned around but only sees Eric’s back. He scooted closer and slid his arms around Eric’s waist. “I love you, Eric-ah.” He said before shifting into dreamland, not waiting for a reply. He will never hear that ‘I love you, too’ anyway.

The living epitome of the quote by William Shakespeare...

If you love and get hurt, love more. If you love more and hurt more, love even more. If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more.